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Minutes of the Demosthenian Society for the meeting of Thursday,
January 12th, 1995
OK, for those of you who weren’t here last week, we’ll recap. I
am the Secretary. You can call me Ishmael, but you can’t call me
Sparky. The man to my lest is the President, and t is my job to
make fun of him, or so they told me at Secretarial boot Camp. This
here is the funny part of the minutes, to be followed later by the
minutes part of the minutes. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Hmmmm....
doesn’t look like that hard a job’, but let me tell you... I mean,
just look at him. Where can you start? Oh yes, I’m supposed to be
doing this in theme.
Second Officer’s Log: Stardate 9501.19
Ever since the being known only as ‘The Minicozzi’ beamed aboard,
the Captain, Forest Glenn Tiberius Morrison the 5th has been acting,
well, a little strange. He’s been running around the decks swatting
people with his cane and singing show tunes, reminiscing about the
good old days. Lt. Cmdr Stapp ignores my pleas for a mutiny, choosing
instead to try to impress the Minicozzi with his extreme buffness.
“Me Jim, you be my woman.” Oddly enough, she actually seems to like
it, which sends the Presiden- um, Captain into fits of jealous rage.
The ship’s Chief Engineer, Lt. Ernie Sutter is no help either.
He spends his days banging pies together and building snowmen out
of his mashed potatoes. I went to him for help, but found him in
a drunken stupor, useless.
After days of searching the crew, I decided there was only one
option available to me. I would have to go see the Ship’s Nurse,
Ms Bethany ‘Hotlips’ Polentz. Where brute force and snowmen made
of mashed potatoes had failed, hopefully feminine wiles could prevail.
And boy did she have some wiles. Somehow, I prayed that she could
break the Minicozzi’s evil spell and free our brave, fearless, courageous...
um, and free our, well, not cowardly... except well, sometimes...
um, and free our Captain from total domination.
We arrived in the Captain’s quarters, the sounds of “I’m just wild
about Harry, and Harry’s wild about me!” echoing through the chamber.
And there was the president, in his soiled Depends, dancing on a
table, clicking his dentures like a set of Davy Jones maracas, entertaining
the Minicozzi. Lt. Cmdr Stapp was outside the hall, smearing muscle
oil all over himself and screaming his undying affections at her.
“Stand aside,” Hotlips said with a smile,” I can handle this one.”
The Meeting was called to order at 7:21 PM.
There were four first time guests and one second or third time
guests.
And there was a Program.
Mr. Morrison, our beloved President rose to address the Society,
naming off his goals for the quarter. And here they are:
Increase Net membership by at least 5. (5 women, hopefully.)
Broaden diversity among the members. (Especially women. Mr. President
was VERY clear about this. MORE WOMEN.)
Increase participation in the meetings by all members. (Especially
the female members. In fact, female members can feel free to participate
after the meeting as well, at Mr. President’s house.)
Update and correct the Constitution. (This would include adding
an office of Mr. President’s personal sex kitten.)
Frame and hang all the remaining Wall of Fame portraits. (Especially
those of women.)
Arrange funding for the Hall restoration. (Bikini carwash, girls?)
Obtain for the Hall a copy of Masefield’s _A Tribute to the English
Universities_. (And if that’s unavailable, Playboy’s Back to Campus
issue will do as well.)
Produce an exciting and memorable All-Night Meeting. (Preferably
one with lots of women.)
The Society moved into Committee reports and Mr. van meter took
the floor.
Mr. Rip van meter rose as Treasurer on behalf of the Financial
committee to advise the Society that no copying will be allowed
on the Bel Jean account without prior consent of the Financial committees.
Dues would be nice and appreciated. He added that the Serber and
Barber bill is paid.
The Committee Report was accepted.
Mr. Barnett rose on behalf of the PR Committee requesting help
with the flyers, and informing the Society of the impending Open
House.
Ms B Polentz arose to inform the Society that she is the Chief
Justice. All key payments should go through her.
The Society then moved into old or unfinished business.
There was a motion made to reconsider Mr. Deriso’s resolution from
the previous meeting.
Then, in defiance of all tradition, the Rip Van meter himself rose
and took the floor (while there was a motion on the floor) to explain
the motion and its intention, which was to allow the Society to
give out a Fall Quarter Brickheap award in Winter Quarter.
Still, with a motion on the floor, Mr. Stuart rose and took the
floor with a rebuttal, enumeration many reasons why it’d be silly
to give out a Fall Quarter Brickheap during Winter Quarter.
The Society then voted on the motion and it failed.
The Society then moved into New Business and Mr. trammel took the
floor to present the following resolution:
Resolved: TV talk shows should be prohibited from being shown
between the hours of 1 am and 8 PM.
Respectfully,
Robert Trammel.
Mr. Trammel presented his case: He only had three channels as a
kid, and look how he turned out. Technology that rules our lives
must be overthrown. TV bad, the revolution must begin.
Mr. Stuart rose, as he always does, and opposed the resolution.
The first amendment, he said, is important. And we can always unplug.
Mr. Shonek rose to say, “I was young once.” Which came as a shock
to us all. He proposed a rating system for TV, just like we have
at the movies.
Mr. Stapp flexed his mighty pecs and took the floor, neither supporting
nor opposing the resolution, saying merely, “TV, man, that’s some
heavy stuff, man.”
Mr. Hunt (Guest) argued the slippery slope. Start limiting TV and
the next thing you know, we will have a police state on our hands.
Geraldo getting hit by a chair is amusing.
Ms Richie rose in opposition to the resolution saying that watching
homosexuals who have sex with black sheep makes her feel all wholesome.
Ms Minni Mouse... er, Minicozzi, rose to concur with her roommate.
Watching talk shows doesn’t make you a freak. She also could not
recall ever killing anyone.
Ms Spornberger rose to say that in Kung Fu movies people die. Jet
Lee kills people. But in China, the family structure is strong enough
to support that. We need stronger families, not stronger TV programs.
Mr. Wright supported the resolution, saying that TV dulls the mind.
He also said that population growth in industrialized countries
is slower than in undeveloped ones, and that they take care of things
very well in Islamic mosques. How that relates to TV is anyone’s
guess.
Mr. ‘Potty Mouth’ Deriso rose to say that talk shows are freak
shows and anyone that takes them seriously is a naughty word fool.
He opposed the resolution.
Ms Townley related the resolution back to that jock movie _The
Program_. Hollywood has an impact on people, she added.
Mr. Watson, just back from his seven state victory tour, rose to
fence straddle, saying that while it might be a good idea, he hesitates
to mandate or prohibit anything.
Ms Sullivan informed the Society that she likes talk shows, Oprah
especially.
Ms Tomlinson thinks TV should be banned because she is addicted.
TV is here to distract us from the imminent collapse of Society.
So, she supported the resolution.
Ms B Polentz supported the resolution, even though it’s aimed at
protecting morons. But at least this way, there will be something
else on TV.
Mr. Sheahan rose in support of the resolution. TV is a drug, and
this a public health matter, and thus should be regulated.
Mr. Barnett rose to oppose the resolution, because talk shows are
great fun when you’re hung over.
Mr. Shonek proposed that the resolution all depends on what your
parents taught you. His taught him that Sex and Nudity are good
and Graphic Violence is Bad. He had no opinion on graphic violent
nude sex.
Ms K Polentz rose to deny the resolution. Talk shows are merely
entertainment. Lighten up already.
Ms Townley rose to support the resolution. Talk shows are bad things
produced by bad people who think bad thoughts.
Mr. Van Meter rose to say that this debate has gone on long enough,
and boy was he right.
Mr. Merritt denied the idea that anything could go on for too long.
He opposed the resolution as a means of thought control and outright
censorship.
Ms Bertlesbeck rose in full agreement with everyone who had come
before her, which was odd, but then so is she.
The question was finally called and the resolution failed on a
vote of 10 to 11.
Mr. Shonek then rose to present the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: All forms of gambling should be legalized
in Georgia.
Respectfully,
Greg Shonek.
Mr. Pyrdum rose to say that he was tired of being on the bench
and needed to take a break. He added that he had never bought a
lottery ticket, and never understood the concept. You give them
a dollar. They take it. End of game. It’s a tax on the stupid.
Mr. “High Roller” Stapp rose to support the resolution, mostly
because he ran a school betting ring as a child and didn’t want
be in any sort of hot water
Mr. Barnett weaved into the upper chamber after a rather lengthy
sojourn to downtown drinking establishments. His comments really
didn’t make much sense.
Mr. Weaver barnetted into the upper chamber after a rather lengthy
trip to the lower chamber. His refrain, ‘It’s time to start the
killing’ really didn’t make much sense here either. He might have
been advocating Legalized Russian Roulette.
Ms Lewis, alumna, apposed any state effort to capitalize on the
laws of probability.
Ms B. Polentz believes that gambling is a disease, and that preying
on the diseased is not the business of the state.
Mr Sheahan supported the resolution. Legalized gambling would be
good for the economy, he said. People would travel to Atlanta and
raise state revenues.
Mr Strong asked the Society to simply name one respectable gambling
institution. You can’t.
Ms K Polentz rose to accept Mr Strong’s challenge. The Mob is a
fairly respectable organization. Don’t they have something to do
with gambling?
A motion was made to adjourn and the resolution was tabled without
a vote.
The meeting adjourned at 10:59PM
Submitted this Thursday, January 19th, 1995,
Carl S Pyrdum III,
Secretary at Large.
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