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Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary
Society
April 17, 1997
or, De President Does
Demosthenian, Episode 4: A New Hope
INT.-THE PARTY
- DAY
Scene 1 – It’s
a star-studded, lemon-soaked, X-file-like jamboree at Ms.
Tomlinson’s cathouse heretofore referred to as . . . The Shack! Our
Hero, Mr. Choi, steps in sexy slow-motion from the back bedroom with
Ms. Polentz (alumna) and Chief Van Meter in tow. They all wear
glowing smiles.
Cue bad 70’s
theme music and voice-over
Yeah! Who's that cat who knows
where it’s at, nice and lean like a lovin’ machine, always on the
scene, with Listerine and Charlie Sheen and . . . Maybeline? Mr.
Choi! Can. You dig it?
- Our Hero struts his way to the
kitchen, stopping only for a moment where Ms. Shillington, Ms.
Richie, and other black men are shooting craps in the corner. He
exchanges SOUL taps with Ms. Richie and goes on. He was just about
to clock Mr. Shumaker, reporter for the Daily Morum, when ...
By the refrigerator, what did he
see, but bodacious, beautiful bodies three. Yeah!
Camera pans across the lower backs
of Ms. Brignac (Yeah!), Ms. McKinney (Yeah!) and Mr. Stuart (Oh,
Yeah!) and cuts back to our hero in awed lustification. He snaps
for his trusty side-kick Mr. Bowman who hands him a big black
suitcase and kneels to kiss Our Hero’s platforms. Our Hero opens
the case to reveal his secret weapon, his trusty 20 megaton glasses,
yeah! He closes the case and hands it to Mr. Bowman who genuflects,
Ouch!, and backs away. Ms. McKinney turns and says: boy what you
lookin’ at? Our Hero smiles, adjusts his glasses and says, hey
girl, what's your sign? She is overcome with rapture and falls down
dead on the spot. Mr. Stuart turns around and is stunned by Our
Hero’s groovin’ vibe. Our Hero just points in his direction and Mr.
Stuart is swooning with joy, flies through the ceiling and explodes,
yeah! Then Ms. Brignac turns and says: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, your
my only hope. Can you dig it? Mr. Choi says, girl, hey baby, you
gotta bring me some water, cause you set my SOUL on fire!
Camera slowly zooms on her eyes,
then slow zooms on his eyes
Cue bad 70’s
LOVE theme. Fade.
Scene 2 -- the
next day
The meeting was called to order at
7:35. Three first-time guests and four second or third-time guests
rose and were recognized. Just Call Him LOGUE was appointed critic.
In Committee Reports, Ms. Tomlinson
gave the softball report. Wampum wants You! Mr. Hortman rose to
announce that dues are due. Also, as hall preservation chair to
discuss the color of the hall’s interior. Ms. Shillingron rose as
Programs chair to announce a meeting to discuss the Spring Banquet.
Mr. Gable rose as Publicity chair to announce the speech contest and
the flyers. Mr. Shumaker rose to ask about speakers’ keys.
In Old Business, Mr. Van Meter rose
to argue that the walls look better now than the past white would
look like. Argued, Yellow is just better, and we should not be
blindly devoted to history. (With this, Old Business began to take
on the tune and timbre of New Business, lasting, all told, an hour
and 15 minutes.)
Mr. Stuart rose to agree with Mr.
Van Meter. Changing wall color would ignore 90 years of history in
the yellow walled society. Aesthetically, yellow is better.
Mr. Hortman rose to defend his
position on changing the walls back to their original white. Said
they may not be able to make ANY changes if wall color is not
included.
Mr. Pyrdum rose to clarify the
question, not about history, it's about paint color. Need to choose
expertise over emotion.
Ms. Tomlinson said that if we
restore the hall, we should do it all the way. We can always change
the color of the walls.
Mr. Weaver debated that this debate
is wrong. We are not a museum. Serber and Barber don’t live here
and the building is historic because of us! He doesn't like either
color, but agrees that it is entirely our choice
Dr. Parkes rose and reiterated:
history is now! The color of the walls is a question of taste.
Architects are often wrong and we need to exercise autonomy.
Something lewd about virgin walls.
At this time, the Chief Justice and
other assorted members of the Brickheap society for wayward girls
came over to present an acceptance to our challenge of intersociety
debate. They chose to debate in opposition to our resolution.
As there was, amazingly, no question
to be called and no further old business, the society moved into new
business and, Mr. Van Meter rose to recall the terrible foreign
policy of Neville Chamberlain, and to compare President Clinton’s
policies in China with those of Chamberlain. He presented: Be It
Resolved, Clinton will be remembered as the Neville Chamberlain of
the 90’s for his policy of engagement with China. Respectfully,
Ryan J. Van Meter.
Mr. Hortman rose to say that China
had a divergent history of ... something. Said China is indeed
communist and has a billion citizens. We should stop them before
they become aggressive.
Ms. Tomlinson rose to agree with the
resolution. Said Clinton is trying too hard to make a name for
himself and not hard enough to make human rights an issue in foreign
policy.
Mr. Stuart rose to explain the
threat of China. Also explained the Art of War, by Sun Tsu,
Chinese, deceased. Said we need to actively rearm to protect our
interests in the Pacific.
Mr. Weir rose to disagree with the
previous speaker. The Chinese are NOT imperialistic and have always
been inward-looking. China is not Hitler’s Germany
Mr. de Guzrnan (guest) Said that
China has already taken over. Said that Clinton didn’t have a
choice in the Hong Kong decision.
Mr. Choi (member) reiterated that
China is NOT an imperialistic country, they only defend their
borders. China has no Hitler, not even a Deng Xiao Ping anymore.
Said that the comparison to Chamberlain is not accurate and that
China is indeed moving slowly toward democracy.
Mr. Guy agrees with the resolution.
China violates our copyright laws, and their national gun company
sells to gangs in California. Said we must have trade sanctions
against China.
Mr. Shumaker talks about Most
Favored Nation status as a bargaining chip when dealing with China.
Said we should fight to have people represented in foreign policy.
Ms. Ramirez talked about
Nickelodeon’s green slime as an analogy to China. Said that Supply
and Demand fuels their economy as much as ours, and that if we don't
like China, we should not buy their products.
Mr. Weaver opposed the resolution
for historical reasons. China is nothing like WWII Germany, and the
Hong Kong lease was signed by the UK not the US. Said that it is
not Clinton’s job to interfere in this case and that does not make
him a Chinese puppet.
A motion was made; the question was
called; the resolution passes 8-7
Mr. Shumaker then rose and asked:
Why do we do things? Said that there is no altruism, and presented:
Be It Resolved, Self-Interest is the only interest that determines
human actions. Respectfiilly, Michael J. Shumaker.
Mr. Stuart rose to oppose the
resolution because it is WRONG! Gave two examples of altruism:
Jesus and Ghandi. Altruism does exist.
Mr. Van Meter said that self
interest is not the only motivation, even though is a main one.
Going down with the ship is plain stupidity, not self-interest
Mr. Shockley (guest) said we first
needed to define self-interest, which he though must have meant what
each person thinks is important himself. This cannot be evaluated
universally and is personal to each person.
Mr. Pyrdum said we must define
self-interest in order to clarify resolution: self-gratification vs.
self-preservation argument. Further stated that something must go on
outside of the self.
Mr. Hudson said that he is a
masochist (no big surprise). Agrees with the resolution because we
are acting out of our interest (any conscious, thought-out choice).
except possibly in the case of pathological actions.
Mr. Gable did much train smashing.
Made a distinction between self-interest and perceived self-interest
and said this can change after 4 shots of tequila
Mr. Smith questioned our
perception/definition of altruism. Said altruistic behavior is not
necessarily the abandonment of one’s own interests. Something about
a mass of questions, allusions to Ayn Rand and the Usual
Suspects.
The question was called and the
resolution passed 7-3
The Society adjourned at 10:48 or
possibly 11:15 after a rather thorough critics report from LOGUE,
which included stones, metaphors, and cookie cutters.
INT. - THE
BEDROOM - DAY
Our Hero, Mr. Choi, awakes wearing
nothing but glasses and a smile. Then his head began to pound like
James Brown with a missing gavel. He had strange thoughts, like
where is Mr. Brantley when I need him, and what of Mr. Pyrdum and
the rebel fleet? Was it all a dream? No! He reached over and felt
the nice smooth body next to him. Yeah! he's one bad mother . . .
hush-your-mouth! Just talkin’ bout Mr. Choi.
Cue bad 70’s
sit-corn.
Our Hero snaps for Mr. Bowman, who
runs out of the closet with a mirror. Mr. Choi looks at himself.
Yeah, so bad I should be against the law. When, out of the corner
of the mirror, he spied the face of the girl next to him. Gasp! It
was Mr. Hortman! Our Hero, Mr. Choi, thought: Oh Yeah! If the
College Republicans could see him now. Our Hero girds himself with
a tight green polyester shirt, 5 inch high platforms, and 6 inch
wide bell bottoms; then struts to his 11:05. Yeah, on to the next
conquest.
Cue bad 70’s
make-up and hair design
Fade to black.
Submitted
respectfully on this 24th day of April, Nineteen Hundred and Ninety
Seven,
Leonard D.
Hudson, Secretary.
Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary
Society
April 24, 1997
Ms. Yarber:
Uncle Choi, will you tell us a bed-time story?
Mr.
Miller: Yeah!
Uncle Choi:
OK, OK. Kids, settle down. Hey, what’s the magic word?
Ms.
Moultrie: Please?
Uncle Choi:
Right! OK, Here’s the one about Little Red Uncle Choi and the
big bad Mr. Guy!
Mr.
Miller: Aww! You told that one already!
Uncle Choi:
Alright, then! Here’s the one about Little Uncle Choi and the
3 Demosthenians.
Satisfied?
All
Kids: Yeah!
Uncle Choi:
Well, Once upon a time, there lived, in the valley of North
Campus, a brave,
handsome, talented, intelligent,
virile young man named Little Uncle Choi.
Ms. Yarber:
That’s you, isn't it Uncle Choi?
Uncle Choi:
That’s right! Quit interrupting. Now, this valley was also
full of horrible things,
like Mr. Pyrdum’s Shining Palace of
Pleasure, and Mr. Weir’s Moral Abyss. Not
to mention the big bad Mr. Magda!
Mr.
Miller: Aww! Last time it was Mr. Guy!
Uncle Choi:
Look, what did I say? Do you want to hear the story or not?
Yes? May I
continue? Thank you. So... Where was
I? Oh, Little Uncle Choi had been
wandering the valley looking for a
swank lemonade stand and had lost his way.
He had grown tired and hungry in his
search. In desperation, he stopped by Dr. Parkes’ house and asked
for some food and a warm place to rest. Dr. Parkes said,
“It’s. . . It’s not good really. No
. . . No, not good at all.”
Ms.
Moultrie: That didn’t sound like Dr. Parkes!
Uncle Choi:
Work with me here, alright? Now, Little Uncle Choi, despondant,
goes to local
black man Ms. Shillington’s house
and asks him for some food and a warm place
to rest. He tells Little Uncle Choi
that there is an open house at someplace called
Demosthenian that night, along with
a few other words that Uncle Choi can’t tell
little children.
Mr.
Miller: Aww! Tell us the words!
Uncle Choi:
Aren’t you asleep yet? Now, Little Uncle Choi approached the
strange house by
The Academic Building and slowly
crept inside. Then...
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