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Minutes of The Demosthenian Literary Society
September 18th, 1997
Seeing that I am this whole Secretary
person, I hereby decree that I can change my artistic perspective at
any time. Subject to this new law, as submitted to you all as fact,
law, truth, etc., I will now take the form of a narrator to tell you
about the fascinating story of our fearless superhero's origins;
that's right, THE ORIGINS OF THE HORTMAN.
Once upon a time, in a county
completely foreign and strange to us, two proud parents gave birth
to a bubbly and precocious baby boy. Straight from the womb, the
HortMan's amazing powers were evidenced in that, shortly following
the cutting of the umbilical cord, and the usual slap on the rear
that all newborns get, our faithful leader cleared his throat, and
proceeded to shake each of his tired parents' hands, smiled, and
said, "Hi, I'm Jason Hortman." His stunned parents were at a loss
for words because even in Ben Hill County it is customary for the
parents to name the child, not the other way around. However, the
warm handshake allayed all of their fears, and gave them the idea
that there was something special about this kid.
Years passed, and both the size and
the extent of the HortMan's powers became known. These gifts
shocked the townspeople in his native Fitzgerald: the HortMan was
capable of, though not apt to, begin a sentence with a word other
than "Dude." Not only that, he could count his chickens before they
hatched, play the banjo, and pack a dip better than anyone in the
surrounding counties. It was clear to the townspeople that this
HortMan was more than just your average country music loving,
tobacco spitting redneck; he was the apotheosis of what was right
and good in Fitzgerald. In his honor, people all started to shake
hands and introduce themselves to each other, all the while eating
voraciously anything that called itself barbecue.
All was, as the locals put it, "hunky
dory, dude," until the sheer cosmopolitan nature of our lovable hero
broke through, and allowed him to say, "There's only us chickens
around here...I need some excitement." Though reluctant to see
their prodigy go, HortMan's proud parents shipped him off to that
mecca of culture and civilized living: Athens. And with a tearful
calling of the Dawg, the HortMan began his journey.
The meeting was called to order at
7:30. There were no first time guests, and James McNaughton was
present for his thrid time. Prominent alumni were in the hay-ous,
with Mr. Scott Wells and Mr. Ryan Van Meter revisiting the site of
their lost youth. Ms. McKinney served as critic for the evening.
For our Program, Mr. Hortman rose and
gave his "Start of the Quarter Goals," speech, and detailed to the
Society why we were in Caldwell having a meeting, as opposed to some
whole other better place. Mr. Hortman then moved into his goals for
the quarter which centered around having the Thursday meetings
center more on debate than business. To help to keep business
"downstairs," our President suggested that committees should and
will become more active in hashing out divisive issues in a
less-formal, more-accessible forum. Committees will also be called
upon to begin some preliminary planning for this year's All-Night
Meeting, which will serve as a re-dedication of our fixed up Hall.
Mr. Hortman, in addition to the goals listed and submitted along
with these minutes, called upon the Society to recruit at least 10
new members during the quarter. By having lively and invigorating
meetings, all of the goals can be met.
Following this Program, the Society
moved into Committee Reports, where
Ms. Visser rose and began to pass around the
committee sign-up sheet, calling upon all members to help out this
very crucial quarter. She also thanked all of the people who helped
out over the summer with the move, and other Restoration-related
activities.
Ms. McKinney rose next, and gave the details
of the aforementioned move. Due to a lack of notice from those
lovely bureaucrats in the Academic Building, the Society was forced
to have a "rush" move done in order to have work completed as soon
as possible. Subject to this need, the Society moved out with
Langley Moving, and our stuff is in air-conditioned storage near
Gainesville.
Mr. Bowman, our beloved man with the
checkbook, gave the costs of the move detailed by Ms. McKinney, and
told of the $10,000 over-run that the Society is responsible for
paying. Also, he mentioned that dues were due, and then his
committee report was approved.
Ms. Shillington spoke of Tuesday's
Activities Fair, and that she needed help staffing and making the
Demosthenian booth for this fair.
Ms. Mingledorff told the Society of the
display case in the library that currently features Demosthenian.
She thanked all that helped out in making the case look as good as
it does, and chastised the Society for not turning in more stuff to
the archives.
Ms. Cunningham defined Fall Quarter as a
planning quarter for the Alumni Relations Committee and the pending
re-dedication of the Hall.
The Society moved into Old Business,
and Mr. Weaver rose to tell the Society that this last summer was a
summer of loss, with the deaths of many humanitarians. To make up
for the loss of Princess Diana and Mother Theresa, everyone should
help others to make a small dent in the overwhelming loss left in
the wake of these people's passing. A brief moment of silence was
held in their honor.
Next, the Society moved into New
Business, where Mr. Weaver rose, and presented the following
resolution:
Be it Resolved: The Oslo Agreement
for Middle East Peace should be nullified.
Respectfully
submitted,
Jeffrey
Weaver
Mr. Weaver explained that the agreement was
bankrupt because of the inherent unfairness of the "supposed
peace:" outlaws deserve anothers land, and will take it with a mere
promise of peace. Mr. Weaver posed the real question of the
debate: How long does it take for a group of people to rightfully
say that a piece of land is owned by them?
Mr. Pyrdum felt that to sucessfully argue
this resolution, one had to justify current ownership of land with a
statement more than "We own this land." Basically, there is no real
claim on ownership besides force, and in this paradigm, the dilemma
that is the Middle East is summed up.
Mr. Wells (alum) stated that the problem of
Middle East peace is a political one; the reason why we Americans
focus on the problem is the same reason that there is a problem at
all. In short, Israel and Palestine are fearful of what would
happen if there was peace, and this fear is the reason for the
failure of the accord.
Mr. Van Meter (alum) said that the main
problem with the Oslo accord was the trading of the tangible for the
intangible. In essence, Israel must give up land for a promise, and
that, historically, this peace means nothing more than a timeout.
He concluded by stating that this type of gradualist approach will
not work.
The question was called, and passed by
a vote of 8-1.
Mr. Pyrdum rose next, and presented the
folowing resolution:
Be it Resolved: Divisional
realignment and inter-league play are destroying the heart and soul
of baseball, and America.
Respectfully,
Carl S.
Pyrdum
Mr. Pyrdum explained that the world is a
much colder place than it used to be, and that to explain this shift
in the world and America, one must look at something close to both:
Major League Baseball. Baseball was asserted to follow the same
historical trends as the U.S., and thus, the bad ideas voiced
concerning baseball now will strike at the very fiber of America.
Mr. Weaver was amazed that after two years,
he finally agreed with Mr. Pyrdum. Baseball acts as a good
integrator, and acts as a predecessor for what is to come in the
United States. Also, in a fit of self-delusion, Mr. Weaver stated
that both American League baseball and American League cities
"suck."
Mr. Shumaker stormed to the floor, and
stated that the proposed realignment is a sign of the times: a
growing efficiency in the country's economy. He continued by making
baseball responsible for all of the good things that happen in the
U.S., and that the combination of the leagues is good for all.
Mr. Slone stated that he was not going to
speak on the resolution, and instead on the dfact that everyone who
spoke before him was wrong in assuming that the country's greatness
has nothing to do with baseball. Attention: All Demosthenians that
are communist, please sit in that chair over by the door.
Ms. Moultrie stated that people were
contradicting themselves, for baseball was not the larger issue.
Ms. Cunningham felt that the decline of Rome
had nothing to do with baseball. She added that it was a low point
in life when Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium was demolished; however,
Wall Street will not crash because of realignment.
Mr. Bowman rose and spoke to the point that
the real question of the resolution was in that whether baseball was
a reflection or cause of things in the United States. He felt that,
in addition to media and literature, baseball was a reflection of
the society that created it, and that baseball then transforms the
way the society perceives it.
Mr. McNaughton (guest) stated that the heart
and soul of America was destroyed when baseball was invented; the
beginning of baseball occurred simultaneously with the beginning of
industrialization.
The question was called, and it failed
8-5.
Mr. Lowe rose, and then quickly yielded the
floor to Ms. Brignac.
Ms. Brignac stated that we should treat this
Caldwell Hall classroom the same as the Upper Chamber: with
respect.
Mr. Lowe then retook the higher ground from
our very lovable blond Chief Justice, and presented the following
resolution:
Be it Resolved: Munchies, the best
bar in Athens, shall be named the official unofficial after-meeting
meeting place for the Demosthenian Literary Society.
Travis Lowe
Jennifer
Yarber
Adam Smiley
Becky Anne
Brignac
He added that Stuart beers were the reason
for that "swirly look" in his eyes.
Ms. Brignac, who consistently proved this
evening how much she enjoyed Munchies the night before, stated that
the move would be great, and that it would be nice to support other
Demosthenians.
Mr. Weaver said that this resolution was a
travesty for the Society was moving from one dive to another. He
continued that he would not be forced into going there, because
though he feels that Mr. Stuart is a brother to him, he wouldn't go
to visit his brother in jail very often.
Mr. Pyrdum stated that the Society should
never go because it is "the best bar in Athens." The Society should
never make such a drastic change from the following principles: 1)
It should be an Italian eatery, 2) Must end in "O's", and 3) Must be
a major dive. We shouldn't go to the best bar because conversations
would suffer, however, he promised that he'd make the switch if the
name was switched to "Munchino's."
Ms. Moultrie agreed with Mr. Pyrdum, and
stated that the notion of going to a dive was essential to the
post-meeting gathering. Also, not all members could be admitted
into 21 bars, a problem that will never be evidenced at Munchies.
Ms. Brignac rose in her capacity as "The
High Priestess of Porcelain" to repeat a resolution that passed
last year: "Life is too short to drink cheap beer."
Mr. McNaughton (guest) found a flaw in the
resolution due to the word "best." If we are to vote for the
resolution, we'd actually be voting against it because the "best" is
sarcastic, and if we vote against the resolution, we are actually
voting for it, as a vote for sincerity. Or somethin' like that.
Ms. Visser differentiated between Munchies
and Peppino's: Munchies=Dive, Peppino's = hellhole. She added that
Demosthenians should be in a dive, and not in a hellhole.
Mr. Shumaker reminded the Society of a large
oversight it was making: The Society was underestimating the Mama
Peppino effect.
Mr. Bowman stated that the reason for having
an after-meeting meeting place was for the camaraderie that went
along with being together. Regardless of where we went, all of us
needed to go.
Mr. Weaver stated that due to his lung
disorder, he was physically unable to go to Peppino's, and that
Munchies provided an atmosphere that was healthier for all members.
We should go to Mr. Stuart's place because we are all family.
The question was called, and passed
10-3, with five abstentions.
Mr. Bowman rose, and presented the following
resolution:
Be it Resolved: The tobacco industry
should not be forced to pay settlements to the federal governments,
state governments or individuals for costs associated with tobacco
related illness.
Respectfully
submitted,
Derek Bowman
Mr. Bowman explained the situation
surrounding the "tobacco suits," and stated that the companies did
make money off of others' suffering. However, he asked the Society
where the line should be drawn between liability and free choice.
He felt that there needed to be an emphasis on individual
responsibility.
Ms. Moultrie agreed with the resolution, for
she felt that we couldn't place all of the blame on the companies.
These organizations shouldn't be backed up against a wall.
Mr. Weaver described his change from "far,
far right" to more moderate. As a result of this shift in politics,
he felt that some retribution needs to be made by the tobacco
companies that "pimped out kids as addicts." The corporation is
responsible for the harms it causes on others.
Ms. Yarber rose, and stated that she agreed
with the resolution because she thinks that people can control
themselves enough to stop smoking. In short, individual choice
determines and gives responsibility.
Ms. McKinney brought up the infamous
McDonald's coffee escapade, and described how the government sets
levels of appropriate temperature for all types of food service
machinery, and that the woman in question was scalded by coffee that
was over 100 degrees hotter than the FDA limit. By this analogy,
the tobacco companies were liable due to their tweaking of the
nicotine levels in the cigarettes.
Ms. Visser described attitudes toward
smoking from the 1940's that are substantially different from those
espoused today; back then, smoking was said to be good for you.
Because the companies knew that smoking was dangerous and addictive,
and manipulated nicotine levels, they are 100% liable for all
claims.
Ms. Brignac stated that suing has become the
most popular sport in the U. S. She feels that smoking is not
addictive, and that those that smoke are being irresponsible.
Mr. Pyrdum rose to put aside some
misconceptions brought up in the debate. He began by stating that
different levels of information bring about a kind of arrogance; it
is easy to judge the past on what we know now. He felt that the
companies should have printed more honest labels on their products
much earlier, for these warnings may now decrease smoking in younger
people. In short, because the companies did not completely "'fess
up," they are still somewhat liable.
Ms. Brignac rose again, much to the delight
of your Secretary, and continued her speech from earlier, stating
that any sort of compensation is ridiculous.
Mr. Weaver stated that this compensatory act
was paying a debt owed to those harmed by cigarettes, and that the
cigarette companies were liable for dishonest manipulations of
nicotine levels.
The question was called and failed, on
a vote of 3-8.
The Society then adjourned at 11:05, subject
to Ms. McKinney's Critic's Report.
The transition from country living to
the hustle and bustle of the big city was at first overwhelming to
the boyish HortMan. Never in his life did he see so many people,
all of whom were wearing shoes!! This type of sophistication
puzzled and excited our great leader, so he went to a fellow
Fitzgeraldian, Lisa Lane. After the usual greeting, the HortMan had
to ask his confidant from the Deep South what she thought of
Athens. She responded, "It's like soooo enlightening. There are
all these people...I feel my mind expanding all of the time." The
HortMan understood what she was talking about, for he had recently
visited Demosthenian, and was enthralled by all of the thinking that
went on in that funny little building up by the Chapel. After
bidding a farewell to his pal, the HortMan remembered that all of
the Demsothenians were going out for liquid refreshment that
evening, and that he was invited to go along. It was at this point
that HortMan decided that he was going to try that whole
mind-enlarging thing, and go out with the Demsothenians that
evening.
Little did the naïve HortMan know that
out there, lurking amongst the noble Demsothenians was his
soon-to-be arch-enemy, Lex Stuart. It was with him that HortMan's
weakness was first seen during that fateful night at Munchie's.
Stay tuned viewers, for lurid tales of
debauchery and excess will follow in the next weeks.
Respectfully submitted,
September 25th, 1997
Michael J. Shumaker
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