Minutes of the DLS: September 23, 1999

"Slone and His Merry Men"

            Since the merry men were again busy banging wenches, Slone sat on the forest floor. Tonight he had tried prancing by himself, but somehow Vogueing to Madonna wasn't the same without the guys singing backup. "Ahh," he thought, "there is always one thing I can do alone..." Revelling in his fantasies of satisfaction through self-love, he failed to notice the rustling underbrush.

            "Slone of Sherwood Forest?" Came the sudden and doubtful question.

            "Huh, what, oh, uh... yes, that's me," he replied to the maiden who had appeared out of the forset to his side. "Sorry, I was just... uh..."

            "I don't want to know. But now that I've found you, the people of town need your help. My name is Maid Bennewitz."

            "You want our help? What's the problem?" he asked cautiously.

            "Crouse of Food Services is oppressing the people. Apparently some band robbed him of food, and now hi is taking his anger out on the helpless through high prices and really bad food. Do you know anything about how this happened?"

            "No. Nothing. Had no dealings with the man," replied Slone defensively (as he is want to do). "Are you sure this is true?"

            "Believe me, I know about price gouging and skimming off the top -- I'm treasurer. Uh, on second thought, forget I said that." she added.

The meeting was called to order at 7:23p.m. The society recognized ten first time guests; as well as twelve second and third time guests. Alumni present included Mr. Derbes c/o ‘94, Mr. Wells c/o ’91, and Mr. Raim c/o ‘87. Mr. Rivner was appointed critic. A motion was accepted to make the minutes subject to adjournment.

During petitions for membership, Mr. Patton rose to describe how our society is on the brink of the "plant revolution," when oppression of plants will end. He added that people have much to learn from plants.

A nervous Ms. Mendoza expressed her interest in the hall and thanked the society for its kind listening. Both were accepted into membership.

In committee reports, Ms. Benewitz rose for the finance committee, her report was accepted. Ms. Wood rose for programs and reminded folks about bringing food for Bullock-night.

Moving through old and into new business, Ms. Rehn took the floor to describe welfare as a self-perpetuating system due to incentives to have children which cannot be adequately cared for. Better birth control access would remedy this problem. She presented:

Be it resolved: The administration of cost-free Depo-Provera (birth control) injections to individuals applying for welfare benefits should be a prerequisite for receiving government aid.

Respectfully submitted,

Megan Rehn

Ms. Webb, guest, informed the society that the governemnt already provides these shots on a voluntary basis to welfare recipients; with better education, more people might take advantage of it.

Ms. Mikel stated that the welfare state is a good thing; the solution to this problem would be for the father to accept his responsibilities.

Mr. Pyrdum said that the danger of the resolution lay in its implication that childbirth is a privelege, not a right; you cannot judge parental fitness by a paycheck.

Ms. Yarber explained the misconception that more children meant more money, since the amount cannot possibly cover the cost to care for them; she supported the resolution.

Ms. Rehn rose to add a friendly amendment, the resolution then stating,

Be it resolved: The administration of cost-free Depo-Provera (birth control) injections to individuals receiving welfare benefits should be a prerequisite for receiving government aid.

Mr. Patton asked the society if it truly realized what the resolution was saying. He saw a danger in having to sell fertility in order to receive benefits to live.

Ms. Johnson saw the resolution as treating people like cattle while ignoring the structural causes of the problem.

Mr. Cureton, guest, saw children as the purpose of life and thought the resolution smacked of Eugenics; he also felt that the resolution was sexist in placing the burden on women.

Ms. Jelic, guest, thought the resolution was an interesting but radical idea; pregnancy is an economic burden for the woman.

Mr. Derbes, alum, disagreed with the resolution on the basic level of questioning what the roles of government truly are; the purpose of governemnt is not to provide charity with other people’s money.

Mr. Cooper, guest, cited his personal experience with adopted foster children; their mothers were often not rational about their ability to care for potential children.

Mr. Childs, guest, thought taht the cost of giving such injections to all women on welfare made the proposition objectionable, and instead proposed a cap on "unreasonable" numbers of children.

Mr. Cohoon saw welfare as the outgrowth of a cultural move to help those struggling in society, however abusers raise the issue of justice and paying for those who will not contribute to society.

Ms. Moultrie had a dirty feeling about the possible motivation for the resolution, the miserly attitude of the haves toward the have-nots; she also pointed out that most of us are supported by some form of welfare.

Mr. Crouse stated that the resolutoin would not hold water in the real world and pointed to the problem of violating the religious practice of those who object to birht control.

Mr. Callahan echoed previous speakers’ point that we benefit from welfare; he said that we would object to our own pursuit of happiness being limited in such a way.

Mr. Rivner drew the society’s attention to the stereotype of welfare mothers and the motivations behind its creation; people’s opposition to welfare system stems from racism.

The question was called; Mr. Rivner broke a seat (which he insisted was already broken); Mr. Pyrdum sprouted wings and flew about the upper chamber, and the resolution failed 1 to 10 among the guests adn 2 to 14 among the membership.

When things settled down, Ms. Frawley left the bench to explain that Americans take freedom for granted because they enjoy it without sacrifice. She offered:

BIR: Upon age 18, all Americans should be required to serve one year military or government service.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawely

Asher Rivner

Mr. Morgan rose and stated that the resolution would benefit the country, as it would force Americans to grow up and take part in civic duty.

Mr. Cohoon thought the resolution would "rock the boat" by instituting too drastic a change, one that would be an interruption in people's lives. It was noted that he also attempted to replace the American flag with a Canadian flag.

Ms. Tsoi, guest, questioned why the government should tell someone how to serve his or her country, and stated she planned to serve the country as a teacher.

Mrs. Jelic, guest, cited her personal experience of taking time off from school and how it allowed her to find out who she was; the resolution followed the same idea.

Mr. Cureton, guest, failed to see the link between serving in the military and becoming a better citizen; required classes are more to the point.

Ms. Rehn felt the resolution a good place to start in motivating people and combating apathy; it would offer invaluable experience.

Mr. Cooper, guest, thought Americans ought to be proud to serve; we must learn responsibility and learn to care.

Ms. Wilson reflected that the resolution's primary flaw was its presumption that we must work for our freedom.

Mr. Miller opposed the resolution and pointed out that individualism is what unites us, as in the motto "E pluribus unum."

Mr. Callahan was afraid of a world where 18 year olds hold military positinos; college is the time for young Americans to find themselves.

Mr. Alsen described the idea of civic duty as nonesense, since we do not owe the government anything; it is there to serve us.

Mr. Rivner defended the resolution, comparing it to the experience of theose working for the WPA in the 1930s; it would give a sense of investment and labor in the country.

The question was called, failing 5 to 8 among the guests and passing 9 to 5 among the members. Mr. Rivner and Ms. Frawley shared a high five upon the news.

Mr. Morgan made his way to the well and explained the primal urge to return to the water, coupled with the human obsession with size. He presented,

BIR: It's not the size of the boat that matters -- its the motion on the ocean.

Humorously submitted,

Baxter Morgan

A brave Mr. Patton followed him, recalling the battle of Trafalgar that witnessed the triumph of the small, well-maneuvered British navy over the massive and bulky Spanish Armada.

The question was called, failing 1 to 9 among guests, and passing 6 to 5 among the members.

Mr. Derbes rose to relate his experience of the news of the Kennedy crash. Reflecting that the cause of the Kennedy clan's rise is our dirty secret, he presented:

Resolved: The nation's reaction to the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrates that we are no longer a rational society.

Respectfully submitted,

Joseph Derbes

In rebuttal, Mr. Rivner stated that our dirty little secret is that we love the Kennedy’s because they get to do all the things we only wish we could.

The question was called, failing 1 to 5 among guests and Patton to 9 among members.

The society adjourned at 11pm, subject to the minutes and Mr. Rivner's critic's report.

            The troops and their scantily clad wenches, clothing in all manner of disarray, had emerged from their huts to find Maid Bennewitz talking with their beloved, well not really beloved, leader. Hearing the story and her mission, the fellows were a bit skeptical.

            "Its not that we want them to suffer," explained Goodhew, "its just that, well, gettin' down to the Immaculate Collection and then shagging are a lot more fun that the hero crap." He shushed wench Kravig, who had begun to sing "Like a Prayer" rather loudly.

            "Where is Little Rivner?" Slone asked.

            "Oh yeah, he went back to town for ale. Come to think of it, he's been gone a couple of days now."

            "I thought your purpose was to rob the rich and help the poor, protect people such as these," Maid Bennewitz appealed nobly.

            "Yeah, yeah, we do that every now and then, its good for the image," Slone replied.

            There came another rustling in the brush, and a crazy-eyed blonde straggled in. "At last! A place to live in harmony with the plants!" he exclaimed. "The name is Patton, let me join your tribe." Slowly caressing the tree next to him, he added, "I love plants...."

            Maid Bennewitz was about to leave in a huff, but instead took a new approach. She rallied the town wenches to the cause, and they left, plotting against Crouse of Food Services. Slone's fellows cried, "Follow the wenches!" Sulking, he followed, thinking he ought to keep up the image, and consoling himself with the thought of finding Little Rivner, and perhaps buying himself something pink and frilly.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawely