Minutes of the DLS: October 7, 1999

"Slone and His Merry Men"

            Back on track the next afternoon, the band crowded into the den of Crouse of Food Services, to confront the fellow for his devious ways. Wench Wilson noted, "Hey, when did they put gumbo on the Bolton menu?"

            Crouse replied, "Oh, I hired Cajunman Miller to help me in back. By the way, that'll be $100."

            "But even I don't cost that much," gasped whore Morgan in wonder.

            "No soup for you!" was the snide reply.

            "But I'm hungry! Give me soup," roared Little Rivner, and he turned the vat of gumbo over on Crouse. General mayhem ensued at this point. In the frenzy of shouts and shoving and flying food, Maid Bennewitz began grabbing fistfuls of cash out of the till since no one was looking.

            Slone directed his men to shoot some arrows and to steal some food -- if there was enough left over they'd share it with the townsfolk. Cajunman Miller stood to the back, shouting to remind everyone that he's a pacifist and fight is bad and blah, blah, blah. At least he did until an arrow hit him in the side. Arrows and food continued to fly around Bolton.

The meeting was called to order at 7:30 p.m. The society recognized 8 first time guests and 4 second and third time guests. A reluctant Mr. Alsen agreed to serve as critic, and we moved into petitions for membership.

Mr. Cooper referred to his experience with foreign policy debate in high school and educated the audience on the reasons for ending the U.S. trade embargo against Cuba.

Ms. Kologinczak rose to spell out the many reasons why Italian men are the best men on the face of the earth; among them that they treat women wonderfully and are just plain gorgeous.

Both were accepted into membership.

In committee reports, Ms. Bennewitz gave a finance committee report, money for the banner and Pandora were allocated, dues are due, and when to stay away from the hall. The report was accepted. Ms. Frawley gave a PR update, questioning the mysterious fate of DLS bus placards. Mr. Morgan rose to add to the report, urging members to catch those doing the damage so that he could exploit his position on student judiciary.

There was no old business, and in new business, Ms. Moultrie left the bench to explain that a new House bill protecting pregnant mothers and their unborn children is in reality an attempt to erode a woman’s right to choice. She proposed:

Be it Resolved: Fetuses should not have rights!

Respectfully,

Lisa Moultrie

Kimberly Wilson

Mr. Crouse took the floor to refute the resolution, stating that fetuses are human and deserve human rights.

Mr. Rivner reflected on the problem of defining when human life begins; the house bill would result in people guilty of breaking laws unaware.

Mr. Childs, guest, cited the story of one of his father’s court cases, when a man in court proved life beginning at conception to the satisfaction of the court.

Ms. Rehn felt that the Republicans’ shady attempt to legislate against women’s choice was sickening.

Mr. Pyrdum explained that science does in fact know when life begins – it begins at conception.

Ms. Wilson was offended by the Republicans’ cheating through their attempt to mask the aims of their legislation.

Mr. Callahan stated that we should protect the fetuses – Congress is acting on society’s wish.

Ms. Frawley explained that the resolution was not about the House Bill. She strongly disagreed with the resolution, and said the abortion question is really when a fetus’s life has value.

Mr. Miller established that he is pro-life but against a prohibition of abortion because life should be valued; living is not the same as surviving.

Mr. Morgan explained that Republicans are hypocrites and could care less about the rights of women; he opposed the resolution because it would set an absolute.

Mr. Cohoon felt that we cannot give and take away rights as humans because rights are natural.

Ms. Bennewitz opposed the resolution, reminding the audience that they were once too fetuses. Unwanted pregnancies are the responsibility of women who didn’t utilize birth control.

The question was called and failed 4 to 5 among the guests and 7 to 11 among the membership.

Mr. Callahan presented his conception of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omnibenevolent God, pointed to the problem of evil, and offered:

Be it Resolved: The concept of God is contradictory.

Respectfully,

Jeffrey Callahan

Mr. Rivner explained that this question arises after horrific events in human history; he asked us to reexamine our view of God and our flawed rationalization of Him.

Mr. Wells spelled out that the resolution’s problem was that it assumed a construct, a definition of God. He stated that the distilliological serd was a problem of any monotheistic religion.

Mr. Cohoon felt the best he could do was question what would exist without God’s creation – the inevitable void would be evil.

Mr. Palsena, guest, rationalized that the entire conception of God arises from a human fear of the unknown.

Mr. Cureton, guest, applied evolution to culture and pointed to belief in God as a cultural trait that has allowed people to survive and reproduce.

Ms. Zinski felt that if the story that we base our religion on is contradictory, then isn’t the conception of God we hold also contradictory.

Ms. Arnold, guest, cited the arrogance of our anthropomorphism of God – we may be made in God’s image, but our image is not God’s.

Mr. Pyrdum gave his St. Augustine speech and explained that evil does not exist.

Mr. Morgan decided that he would prove the resolution contradictory by giving a contradictory speech; he cited St. Augustine’s five arguments for, as well as the ontological argument for God’s existence.

The question was called reaching a 2 to 2 tie with the guests and failing 2 to 11 among the members.

At this point Mr. Morgan moved to have Mr. Rivner ejected from the chamber, but failed and found himself fined.

Mr. Rivner then took the floor and explained that there are many new things to try in life, and we are lesser people for that which we have not done. He presented:

BIR: In the words of Sir Thomas Buchman, "Try everything once except folk dancing and incest."

Asher Louis Rivner

Ms. Bennewitz managed to get the floor by affirmative action, described folk dancing as the greatest PE class ever, and made a vague insinuation of incest in Mr. Goodhew’s family.

Mr. Patton’s very being was torn asunder by the resolution – folk dancing is indeed evil, but don’t knock incest; if its good enough for royalty and Aaron Burr, its good enough for us.

Mr. Cooper thought that if folk dancing involved anything related to Israelis or the name Israel, then it must be good.

Mr. Slone left the cushioned President’s chair to relate running into an incredibly intoxicated Mr. Rivner one summer night in Washington DC; as Mr. Rivner was almost rundown, Mr. Slone reflected that was something he would never want to try.

Ms. Arnold, guest, also rose to defend incest – it’s important to livestock breeding; but reminded the upper chamber that folk dancing is bad.

Mr. Miller began by singing Lionel Richie and insinuated the joys of trying "good stuff" and O.D.ing on information.

Mr. Morgan urged that we must grasp the opportunities we can – but we must not grasp our sister; do not regret what you have done, only regret what you haven’t done.

Mr. Callahan felt one can’t know whether folk dancing and incest are bad until you’ve tried them – "it might bring you closer to your sister"

Mr. Crouse opposed the resolution since there are some things a person shouldn’t try.

Mr. Cohoon opposed the resolution based on his personal encounter with nasty, old food from Peking.

The question was called, reached a 3 to 3 tie with the guests and failed 5 to 9 among the members.

And the society moved back into petitions for membership.

Mr. Cureton related his father’s story of one moonlit night of crazy escapades with his friends while very, very drunk. He was accepted into membership.

The society adjourned at 11:01 p.m. subject to Mr. Alsen’s critic’s report.

            Chaos had engulfed Bolton, den of Crouse.

            A natural coward, Slone turned heels and began running away, shrieking like a woman. Then a stray -- or not so stray -- arrow got him in the back. The fates of the merry men followed likewise. Cohoon, Alsen, and Goodhew attempted to carry off some chickens, and managed to get shot in the leg, the beard, and the head respectively. Little Rivner, mutton leg held high, tried to barrel his way through the mess to the door -- and got shot in the side as well.

            The wenches long since abandoned the fray and joined the townsfolk gathering outside; while they'd been told Slone and his merry men were there to save them, it looked a lot more like they were destroying the food. Enraged, they stormed Bolton, beating and shooting their so-called rescuers. The only one to escape was Maid Bennewitz, who'd stolen enough money to pay them off.

            Okay, besides her, Cajunman Miller was nursed back to health since the townsfolk decided they could deal with the occasional crazy talk as long as the Louisiana cookin' kept flowin'.

            And somewhere in North Campus forest, Patton failed to miss his friends, content to contemplate the peaceful world of plants and to fondle the flora.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawley