Minutes of the DLS: October 28, 1999

Cureton and Alsen untied sobbing Slone from the tree, while ashes and cinders from his home finished raining to earth. He looked up just in time to see the hunk of wood that fell on his head.

After regaining consciousness, Slone could see a mysterious, huge, red "X" on the ground where his house formerly stood. Cureton, Alsen, Kravig, Goodhew, and Rivner were just beginning to tear into the ground with their shovels. Dirt began flying -- some of it into Slone’s eyes, temporarily blinding him once again.

Next came a loud crack and some varied cursing... Goodhew yelled, "Rivner! You broke the society’s shovel -- You’ll have to pay for that!"

With hands up and shrugging shoulders, Rivner replied, "Its not my fault -- uh, it was already broken!"

Kravig’s shovel connected with something solid -- Rivner’s head. Not really, she’s in fact hit a box. She and Goodhew promptly cleared away enough much to open it up. Goodhew started to argue that he should get to open it, but gave in when Kravig threatened to post pictures of his transvestitism to the DLS website. She finally pried off the lid, peered in, and saw...

That the meeting was called to order at 7:35 p.m. The society recognized one first time guest, three second and third time guests, and alumn Mr. Hortman. Ms. Kravig was appointed critic.

During petitions for membership, Mr. Kolychev, while tempted to give a speech in Russian, instead discussed the recent Russell Symposium, and his impressions of the influential figures who were there. He was accepted into membership.

In committee reports, Ms. Bennewitz rose for the finance committee, and discussed reimbursements and when to stay away from the hall. Her report was accepted.

During Old Business, Mr. Hortman took the floor, told the audience of the Hall’s condition before the restoration, and presented the Society with a piece that had been cut out of the wall. Mr. Rivner told the Society that Dr. Lindquist greatly enjoyed her visit to the society and remained interested in serving as our faculty advisor.

In new business, Ms. Frawley left the bench to describe trends of social and economic polarization as a threat to our society. She presented,

BIR: The growing divide between the haves and the have-nots is the greatest threat to America’s future.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawley

Mr. Cohoon thought the divide was overstated, that Americans are better off now than ever, and that the divide is necessary for the economy.

Mr. Rivner discussed the continuing problems of colonialism and racism, in America and abroad; America’s prosperity does not extend everywhere.

Mr. Cureton compared America’s position between two social extremes, and suggested that a societal bare minimum is needed.

Ms. Johnson spoke of the Guilded Age and extreme American wealth; she felt poverty is not a threat and will not go away.

Mr. Morgan agreed with the resolution, stated the problem began with the 1990s economic boom, and warned of an economic crash.

Mr. Hortman agreed with the resolution in regards to global matters, but stated that information and technology are available to anyone in America.

Ms. Rehn believed that the US is arrogant in regards to power and wealth, and while America feels invincible, it is not safe from breaking down.

Ms. Kravig felt debate had not focused enough on the words threat and future; she also questioned whether such a divide could actually be a threat.

Mr. Crouse spoke about American history when the rich were few and the poor experienced social contentment.

Mr. Williams, guest, thought education is the greatest class closing program in the United States, and the threat of a class divide has decreased.

Mr. Roca, guest, questioned why the poor cannot get ahead, and felt that many children cannot rise above their class because they are hindered by their surroundings.

Ms. Lane, guest, offered a solution to the threat, a call for community involvement, through this courage and effort we could achieve change.

The question was called, failing 1 to 3 with the guests and 5 to 12 with the membership.

Ms. Baugh rose on behalf of the illiterary society across the way, read a letter of invitation to the intersociety meeting, and presented the first resolution to be debated that night,

Be it hereby resolved: human rights are only political constructs for democracies.

After the Phoo Krappers departed, el presidente had Mr. Morgan lead the society in a rousing Demosthenian cheer to cleanse the hall of the stench of heaper.

Business resuming, Mr. Cohoon discussed the oddities of the English measurement system and the ridiculous conversion mistakes causing an orbitor to crash. He suggested,

Whereas the Mars Orbiter space probe crashed into the atmosphere of Mars wasting $125 million,

Be it resolved, that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) receive the Brickheap Award, an ignoble "honor" for the error worthy of the society across the way.

Be it further resolved, that the secretary write a letter to NASA informing the agency of its dubious distinction.

Respectfully submitted,

Jack Emerson Cohoon

Mr. Morgan, wielding the power of The Brick, explained the story of the Brickheap award to new and old members alike, and encouraged them to support the resolution.

Mr. Wells shared his wisdom on the topic of another time we threw something at Mars; he also wowed the society by proving he knew how many feet are in a mile.

Ms./Mr. Goodhew, receiving many a whistle and howel and being sexually harassed by the president, reminded the audience that it was not NASA’s screw up but Lockheed’s; any scientist knows you must always state your units.

Mr. Rivner didn’t think this was worthy of the award and offered something better, relating to America’s soul -- baseball. He presented a competing resolution,

Be it resolved, that the society give a Brickheap award to Jim Gray, A.K.A. the schmuck who insulted Pete Rose for no apparent reason.

Be it further resolved: that the secretary send him a letter informing of this,

BIFFR: that Demosthenian from here on in, refuse to grant this super-schmuck interviews,

BIFFFR: that the secretary send a letter to major league baseball asking for Pete Rose’s reinstatement,

BIFFFFR: that from here on in Jim Gray simply be known to the society as "the schmuck who insulted Pete Rose, who is one of the greatest to ever play the game, for no apparent reason."

Respectfully submitted,

Asher Louis Rivner

Mr. Childs gave an Amen to the previous speaker, and said we should expect no less from NASA since people working there come from Tech, and people who go to Tech are dumb.

Mr. Hortman felt the baseball resolution more important since Gray’s actions ruined the magic and nostalgia of the night, and were worthy of the Brickheap.

Mr. Callahan, as a lover of baseball, begged to pass the Gray resolution; he felt no other sport can give the kind of moment had when so many great players were together.

Mr. Cohoon said the baseball resolution was a dangerous threat to the freedom of speech and was the beginning of a slippery slope.

Mr. Rivner said NASA’s project was just an excuse to spend money in someone’s district, and urged members to vote for his resolution with their hearts, their soul, and for America.

The question was called, and on a vote of 5 to 11, the Brickheap honor was awarded to "the schmuck who insulted Pete Rose, who is one of the greatest to ever play the game, for no apparent reason." Mr. Cohoon stormed out of the upper chamber in tears upon the vote.

Mr. Pyrdum said there are two types of people in the world, those who like baseball and those who like football, he presented,

Be it Resolved: Baseball is better than football.

Respectfully,

Carl Pyrdum

Ms. Yarber opposed the resolution since hockey, an exciting and fast-paced game, was better than either of the two.

Mr. Hortman did not believe that baseball was better than football; both are games of high strategy, the difference is in the fans.

Ms. Wood offered that baseball players have nicer butts.

Mr. Rivner said that this question has plagued man, but there is heart and soul in baseball, not in

football.

Mr. Callahan supported the resolution since baseball has more heart than football, and anything can

happen in the ninth inning.

Ms. Lee, guest, reflected how she had been raised on baseball by her grandfather, and played the sport for years; baseball brings families together.

Mr. Goodhew rejected the resolution since football, that is real football, which Americans call soccer, is the greatest sport ever.

Mr. Childs discussed the many examples of how there are many more great moments in baseball then there will ever be in football.

Mr. Cureton gave many examples of why football is better than baseball.

Mr. Pyrdum said Cureton had no idea what he was talking about; he pointed out the involvement of fans in baseball versus their discouragement in football.

Ms. Kravig offered that in a debate that had focused on numbers, the obvious choice is to enjoy the ballet of basketball.

Mr. Alsen felt the resolution was an outrage here at UGA, with its divine football team; he asserted that football is a manly sport.

The question was called, passing 2 to 0 with the guests and 10 to 8 with the members.

Mr. Patton took the floor to announce names for the pumpkins. The scary one was Antonio and the nice one was Thelma.

The society adjourned at 11:45p.m., subject to Ms. Kravig’s critic’s report.

The only thing inside (besides more dirt) was a very rusty flask of Maker’s Mark. "Is it safe to drink?" Cureton skeptically asked.

Rivner wasted no time finding out, putting rusty container to lips and gulping.

Blue lights bathed the scene when a patrol car pulled up, no doubt called for by terrified neighbors. The officers questioned whether Rivner was of age, but a crafty fake ID, including a striking stick figure drawn in crayon, convinced them to turn their attention elsewhere.

Slone piped up, "Thank God you guys are here! These people are all crazy... they’ve destroyed my house..."

Alsen rebutted, "I don’t know what this fool is referring to... we are all just innocent bystanders, completely innocent."

"What!? No! Wait, don’t cuff me. I’m going to kill you all when I’m out!" The cuffs went on anyway, the officers shoved him in the back of the car, and drove him off to jail.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawley