Minutes of the DLS: November 4, 1999

"Welcome to Celebrity Death Match! I’m your host Kelly Frawley, and we’re on location in Athens, GA as members of the DLS get down ‘n’ dirty in the ring.

Let’s get right into our first match… its "Nightmare Nylons" where the drag queens throw down. On one side – he’s just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania, its Mr. Frank N. Furter himself, Reid "Rocky Horror" Ramsay. His opponent this week has the sexiest legs in the society and the girlish giggle to match, its Miss Goodhew.

Now before the ref gets things started, I have with me Coach Kravig, who’s been working hard on her protegee Miss Goodhew. Coach, any last minute tips for him/her?

"Well, we’ve focused on makeup techniques and I’ve told her over and over to shake those buns more when he/she walks. Strut it baby!"

Alright then. Well, we’ve brought in a special guest referee – the Reverend Mr. Wells, so let’s cut to him and get this match started.

"Okay you two, I want a good, clean fight. Remember that I have a hotline to heaven, so no funny business or you’re going to Hell. Now let’s get it on!!"

The meeting was called to order at 7:27 p.m. The society welcomed four first time guests and two second and third time guests, and alumn Mr. Wells. Mr. Wells was then appointed critic.

In committee reports, Ms. Bennewitz rose to remind the society to stay away from the hall on Tuesday, her report was accepted.

In new business, Mr. Morgan took the floor to explain how the gun lobby uses the 2nd amendment as a shield against the gun control a majority of Americans support, and that the reasons for the amendment are already served. He suggested,

Be it resolved: The second Amendment of the United States Constitution should be repealed.

Respectfully,

Baxter Morgan

Mr. Childs refuted the resolution, explaining that he enjoys guns while hunting and referring to the movie "Red Dawn" as an ominous warning about the need for guns.

Mr. Cureton pointed out that the courts have interpreted the amendment to refer to the individual gun owner, and said that the idea of a means to protect oneself was not to be laughed at.

Ms. Yarber suggested that while repealing the second amendment would not immediately end our gun rights, it could be the first step on a slippery slope to government oppression.

Ms. Frawley said she did not wish to live in a society of fear. She supported the resolution, and suggested the US adopt an amendment protecting rights while allowing for rational gun control.

Mr. Cohoon asked what has changed over the past two centuries. Changing the laws is pointless because it will simply not work.

Mr. Rivner conceded that it is difficult to take away rights and suggested alternatives such as incredibly expensive bullets or only selling ineffective weapons.

Ms. Kravig approached the resolution through her background in film, and deconstructed the myth of the Western created by directors like Ford.

Mr. Kennedy, guest, reminded that Constitutional interpretation can change with a changed Supreme Court; politicians would listen better if money did not control influence and speech.

Mr. Callahan said that changing the Constitution is extremely difficult; he also said that no right is absolute, including this one.

Ms. Moultrie reflected that members of the NRA are normal people who wish to hold on to a right; you cannot give something and then take it away.

Mr. Slone described a disturbing scene in "Grand Canyon" where a gun equaled power and respect; he also related his childhood experience of almost being shot by a handgun.

Mr. Crouse explained historical examples proving that even smaller guns can be militarily important; while we are not going to be attacked, we should still be ready.

Ms. Arnold, guest, believed that there is another arms race -- the one taking place on the streets; guns have gone from a means of protection to status symbols.

Mr. Cooper felt divided on the resolution and suggested that society look for other solutions to these problems.

The question was called, passing 4 to 3 with the guests and losing 8 to 9 among the membership.

Mr. Crouse, looking at legal records, questioned why marijuana is illegal and found no good reason. He presented,

BIR: Marijuana should be legalized.

Respectfully submitted,

Michael Crouse

Mr. Goodhew, the Britboy who was badmouthing America again, informed the audience that no one knows exactly what this drug does to your body long term; only doctors should potentially have access.

Mr. Roca, guest, refuted the resolution because it marijuana is very dangerous, particularly as a gateway to more hard-core drugs.

Mr. Oudi, guest, felt we shouldn’t waste resources going after users of the drug, these resources can be put to better use.

Mr. Brown, guest, pointed out that smoking pot is a victimless crime, and that whether it is legal or not does not affect whether people are going to smoke it.

Ms. Kravig reflected watching her older sisters suffer from using the drug as well as her own brief personal experience with it.

Mr. Morgan, hair disheveled, supported the resolution by examining the economics of the issue.

Ms. Moultrie offered a wealth of arguments for the resolution, and stated that prohibition of the drug causes many of the problems associated with it.

Mr. Rivner questioned the decisions that have made marijuana illegal and demonized in people’s minds.

Mr. Slone told the story of a family friend who is barely able to function due to his many years of smoking the drug.

The question was called, failing 3 to 4 among the guests and passing 8 to five with the members.

Mr. Pyrdum presented the society with another parliamentary treat. He described the wisdom of Meatloaf, explained how he would be unable to function without video games, and presented,

BIR: The DLS would do anything for love, but we won’t do _________.

Respectfully,

Carl S Pyrdum III

Kimberly Wilson

Baxter Morgan

Mr. Cohoon referred to a previous debate and suggested "folk dancing and incest" as things he would not do for love, challenging anyone in the audience to contradict him.

Mr. Patton referred to his maiden address about revolution in plant rights, and suggested "plants" to fill the blank.

Mr. Goodhew rose to suggest one thing the entire DLS should agree with, that we won’t do "them."

Mr. Morgan demanded that the body be as arrogant and offensive as possible, urged that we fill it in with "a Brickheaper." When asked whether he would give up his hair care products for love, Mr. Morgan was forced to ponder the question for quite some time.

Ms. Kravig reflected that the society needed to look to the content of the song and video to find the answer. She suggested, "not cooling off with holy water when I get too hot and floating beds and lesbian acts and riding off on motorcycles from Gothic castles."

Mr. Rivner decided that Meatloaf isn’t quite the person the society should be taking romantic advice from. His suggestion for the black was "Republicans"

Mr. Cureton rose to refute the travesty of speaking against plantiphilia and informed the audience that there are different types of plants just like there are different types of girls.

Ms. Arnold, guest, discussed Meatloaf’s complete inability to write intelligible lyrics, and suggested "Meatloaf" go in the blank.

Mr. Slone spoke of the greatness of Demosthenian, and thought that the DLS won’t do "bad poetry oration."

The question was called, and after the votes were in, Ms. Kravig’s suggestion won, and the resolution was passed as

BIR: The DLS would do anything for love, but we won’t do not cooling off with holy water when I get too hot and floating beds and lesbian acts and riding off on motorcycles from Gothic castles.

Mr. Rivner took the floor to discuss the traditions that make our society and university great, particularly the old freshman ritual of wearing a rat cap. Having not guarded pumpkins the previous week, certain members were still freshmen. He presented,

BIR: Ms. Rhen and Mr. Morgan, for failing to guard the pumpkins, must procure rat caps and wear them, until they guard the pumpkins next October, whenever they are within Demosthenian Hall.

Respectfully submitted,

Asher Rivner

The society adjourned at 11:04 subject to Mr. Wells’ critic’s report.

Ooh, that was a nasty rockette style kick to the head by Miss Goodhew...

"Rocky Horror" Ramsay is now time-warping his way across the ring in some sort of attack, oops, now it seems he stumbled, darn broken heel.

Miss Goodhew’s taken advantage of the weakness and it looks like she’s moved in for the kill. That’s quite a beating Ramsay’s taking, I think this might be the end of our match.

Wait! Someone’s climbing into the ring, looks like Rocky Horror has a secret weapon. It appears he’s made himself a man, with blond hair and a tan, and his name’s Patton.

Ramsay’s crawled over to the side to recoup while Patton beats the crap out of Goodhew. Coach Kravig, any words of advice for Miss G?

"Fight back! You have stiletto heels, use them, spike to the head! Pull some hair! Fight like a girl!"

Oh, now Coach Kravig is running down to get in the ring. And wow, this has just turned into a cat fighting, free for all bloodbath, where is ref Reverend, at the bars again? This has just gotten ugly, and we’re out of time. It looks like everyone’s lying there unconscious, so I’ll declare the winner -- its "Rocky Horror" Ramsay for the best fishnets. Tune in next week for another DLS Celebrity Death Match!

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawley