Minutes of the DLS: November 11, 1999

"Welcome! We're back at the DLS Celebrity Death Match. I'm your host Kelly Frawley. We're in the middle of another all-out brawl here, and let me update those of you just joining us.

Tonight's been a battle of opposing forces, of darkness and light, the black and the white.

Whitey himself, Adam "the Albino" Cureton, is here this evening. Better watch out, he's prone to blind his opponent (and those in the audience) when the stage lights start reflecting off his skin.

Mr. Superfly, Jeffery "I hate the man" Callahan opposes him. His secret weapon is striking mortal fear into his opponents by wrestling naked. He claims its art -- I just think it's scary.

The match got off to a slow start, since the Albino was less than eager to jump on "I-hate-the-man" once Callahan loosed his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt while singing Marvin Gaye. Thankfully Referee Rev. Mr. Wells stopped him, saving the audience from some bad dreams.

Albino Cureton shortly shed his shirt as well, and pummeled the blinded Callahan. He also wanted to impress all the pretty plants in the audience.

Desperately trying to stay alive, literally, "I-hate-the-man" reached into his pocket and then blew some pixie dust at the Albino to disable him. Of course Callahan fell asleep as well, and that’s where we are right now, waiting for them to wake up. Time for a snack break.

The meeting was called to order at 7:17 p.m. The society recognized six first time guests, including el presidente’s parents: Mr. and Mrs. Slone, as well as five second and third time guest and alum Rev. Mr. Wells. Mr. Pyrdum was appointed critic.

In petitions for membership, Mr. Roca spoke about the rapid pace of technological innovation and the important questions such innovations raise about the future of the human race. He was accepted into membership.

In new business Mr. Pyrdum discussed the controversy of the Southern Baptist Convention's new approach to converting Jews and Hindus, arguing that their effort is a good thing. He presented,

Be it resolved: The Southern Baptist Convention's mission to the Hindus and Jews is an act of kindness.

Respectfully,

Carl Pyrdum

Ms. Mikel described her religion class and the idea that the three great Western faiths all come from the same start. Interpretation beyond that is a personal one.

Mr. Childs was born and raised a Southern Baptist, and felt while no one knows exactly who is right, the audience should consider what it means if the Christians are right.

Mr. Rivner spoke of tolerance and the anti-Semitism in Christian history, tracing the progression of Christian thought towards the Jewish faith.

Mr. Wells said that while this new tactic may initially appear as fulfilling the SBC's historic mission, it is really an attempt to maintain their status and pride.

Mr. Morgan quoted Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, and described what it would mean if we were all wrong, that we would have to face the fear of death and the unknown.

Ms. Frawley said that those trying to spread their faith do not act out of fear but rather out of certainty and love, trying to share their answer with others.

Ms. Arnold, guest, felt that the Southern Baptists' declining numbers is due to many causes and their mission is only an act or pretense of kindness.

Ms. Carr, guest, discussed her personal encounters with religion.

Mr. Ramsay, guest, felt the SBC aren't acting out of kindness and are going about the process the wrong way; their tactics may seem fine to them, but not to those they are trying to reach.

Mr. Edwards, guest, shared that everyone has an opinion of what is right, but we also know about the pain of being told that we are wrong.

Mr. Flis, guest, said that just because you believe something does not mean that you are right and your actions are kind; this is actually an act of conformity.

Mr. Slone stated that religious tolerance is important, but if you believe you are right, then you are acting out of kindness.

Mr. Cureton questioned the capitalist motives of the SBC, for whom increasing converts would mean increasing power and economic resources.

Ms. Wilson questioned why we are so afraid to be told that we are wrong; as long as violence is not involved, this is a kind act because it helps create an open forum.

Mr. Crouse cited other acts of kindness by southern Baptists, and noted that local churches have do not necessarily act in accord with the national convention.

Mr. Miller spoke about his family and felt that all religions are correct; metaphysics is the study of the nature of nature.

Mr. Cohoon felt that evangelism is a complex matter, it may begin as an act of kindness, but those involved should not loose sight of this reason.

Mr. Roca said that there are two types of people – followers and leaders. This is an act of kindness to SBC's followers, but an act of greed by its leaders.

The question was called, failing 2 to 5 among the guests and 8 to 11 among the membership.

Mr. Cohoon discussed a resolution from the society's minutes in 1840, and wondered how the society would feel about the same question now. He presented,

To be resolved, Will the United States of America exist in its present form 100 years from now?

Respectfully,

Jack E. Cohoon

Mr. Morgan said no; history moves in sinusoidal waves, and our country is at a peak and soon to fall, specifically on January 1st due to the Y2K crisis.

Mr. Callahan felt that yes, America would still be a country of individuals valuing freedom and liberty more than anything else.

Ms. Kravig knew how to handle a crisis since she'd seen "The Stand." Describing the origins of the American psyche, she said our nation's values have and will continue to stand even through the movements of history.

Ms. Johnson spoke to the audience as Yeates, explaining that time moves in cycles and we are coming to the close of the two-millenium Christian cycle.

Ms. Frawley rose to address the resolution from a geographer’s perspective; the form of the U.S. has shifted greatly since the 1840s and will do so in the future.

Mr. Miller spoke about what assumptions we can make of the U.S. in 100 years; there has to be change in many different aspects.

Ms. Arnold, guest, said that while 100 years will greatly alter America's laws and constitution, the country will always exist.

Mr. Flis, guest, prophesied America's near downfall because of Canada's plan to systematically eliminate the U.S.

The question was called, guests tied at 3 to 3 and members deciding 6 to 7 nay.

Ms. Johnson referred to TV's "Dharma and Greg," Jane Austen, and moved on to discuss the nature of marriage and companionship. She offered,

Be it resolved: Human nature intended women to be mothers, not companions.

Miss Becky Johnson

Mr. Morgan stated that society has come to nothing if the society supports the resolution, seeing women as procreative dispensive units.

Mr. Miller discussed genetics and evolution, particularly in Pandas and then in humans.

Mr. Crouse informed the society that there are 6 billion people on earth and we do not need more; the other half of the human species should step up to equality.

Mr. Callahan explained that through human history women have enabled the human species to go on, but have also served an important role as companions.

Mr. Rivner said that the marriage was developed on the basis of a differentiation of tasks; the sexes can be different and still equal.

Ms. Wilson rose to express how sick she was of people attempting to categorize exactly what it means

to be a woman.

Mr. Cohoon informed us that the actor playing Greg is his second cousin, became flustered, and left the floor with a face as red as a beet.

Ms. Arnold, guest, understood the reference to human nature as biological, and biologically women are most unique in their nature as companions not just mothers.

The question was called, failing 0 to 3 with guests and 3 to 11 with members.

Mr. Morgan took the floor and a mere sentence into his speech there was a motion to adjourn, and the society did so at 10:45 p.m. subject to Mr. Pyrdum's critic's report.

"Here we go… they’re waking up. Oh! A nasty kick to the head for Callahan, looks like Cureton is taking some revenge for that last little trick. Watch out for that blood!

‘I-hate-the-man’ is down and doesn’t seem to be getting up any time soon. Is this the end of the match already? Cureton seems to think so, the Albino’s going ahead and having a large celebratory lemonade. I wonder at the strategy involved here, he’s making himself awfully vulnerable now.

Uh-oh, Callahan is dragging himself up… looks like he’s still got some fight left in him. Right on man! He’s making his way across the ring to the Albino, who is oblivious, busy singing and laughing at his own drunken jokes. The audience loves the entertainment, but Callahan loves the distraction. Wow, a chair across the back and Cureton’s on the floor and surprised.

Wait! ‘I-hate-the-man’s been distracted by a femme fatale walking by the ring. He seems to be leaving the match to go after her and…oh no! and on his way out of the ring he has tripped and broken his neck. The Albino wins! Join me next week for another round of DLS Celebrity Death Match.

Respectfully submitted,

Kelly Frawley