|
Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society
for December 9th, 1999
December 31st, 1999 - the last day
of the millennium. Demosthenian members were meeting in the hall
for what some feared to be the last time. Rumors had been spreading
about how Y2K was going to affect everyone more than first promised
and so DLS troops were preparing for a good three months of
underground debate. The President, now fondly named Big
“Swartzcoff” Louie had brought special supplies as most members
had. Among his stash included a litre of JB and 3 cases of PBR.
Ms. Moultrie had brought “medicinal” drugs, while Mr. Ramsay brought
some entertainment in the form of a fog machine and strobe – to
practice those oh-so-loved parties. Mr. Miller was in charge of
training the DLS military. Big Louie and Miller had been doing well
in the afternoon, shooting out the remaining windows in Alpha
Epsilon hall, much to the annoyance of the Brothers and Sisters.
However, it was going to be a hard stint, but hopes were high. Big
Louie called a brief meeting. “Guys” he said. “Whatever happens,
and I mean this, don’t let go of the chess pieces.” The DLS troops
were obviously shaken at the thought that some low,
good-for-nothing, all round bad guy would even consider taking a
chess piece. It was now 11:45. Everyone then decided to share his
or her New Years resolutions to everyone else. Some examples
include Mr. Patton’s and Ms. Kologinczak’s resolution to start
making margarita’s that have a ratio higher than ½ and ½. Ms.
Mendoza resolved to lead America’s women to a better equality, and
Mr. Childs decided that all the Tech Chick jokes finally had to
leave his “small talk.” “Enough of this obviousness” shouted
someone at the top of her lungs. Ms. Kravig was stood at the bottom
of the exclaiming how several writers and poets had persuaded her to
buy a lifetimes supply of toilet paper, when all of a sudden the
room went black…
The meeting was called to order at 7:30 p.m.
The society said a hearty hello to 2 first time guests and Mr. Slone
was appointed critic for the evening.
Mr. Williams began the meeting by petitioning
for membership. A detailed discussion about the importance of green
fuzzy toilet seats and a few bad stick jokes allowed the society to
accept him in with welcoming arms.
Committee reports consisted of a Ms. Bennewitz
asking the society to follow a few basic rules when people rent the
hall, followed by a short list of who, why, and when those people
will be in the hall. The committee report was approved.
A few remarks from the new President were made
regarding couches and good luck wishes to Mr. Morgan and Ms. Rehn
who won’t be able to join us next semester. The duties of Faculty
Advisor and Custodian were then dished out to Dr. Linquist and Ms.
Kravig respectively.
It should be noted at this point that it was
the 13th day of 15 days of Bond, James Bond.
The first resolution began with Mr. Crouse
describing the history of the WTO (World Trade Organization) and how
various dictator-like practices forced trade laws on countries that
didn’t necessarily want them. He presented the resolution: Be it
resolved that the WTO is a threat to representative government.
Mr. Morgan then explained how the WTO was
actually spreading ideas and knowledge and how America thrives with
the protection of trade.
Mr. Callahan stated that he opposed the
resolution as the WTO has to debate issues before anything is
decided upon.
Mr. Cureton informed us that the WTO is just
another stepping-stone in representative government. The example of
McDonalds in Russia was given with over 1 Billion Democracies
served.
Ms. Frawley argued that the WTO only speaks on
behalf of those who stand to gain leaving those on minimum wage and
the environment behind.
Mr. Cahoon pointed out that no-one kills people
that you rely on for products. The WTO also allows for an increase
in efficiency allowing more people to benefit.
Ms. Johnson duly noted that no representative
government holds their meetings in secret. The WTO cannot be strong
and must be a threat to democracy.
Mr. Nicholson argued that there was no argument
in the fact that the WTO facilitates free trade, however, any group
that doesn’t have the same beliefs as the US government shouldn’t be
allowed to influence our rights.
Mr. Miller said that the WTO was both
inefficient and terrible at doing it’s job, but is not a threat to
democratic government.
The question was called and failed 8 to 6.
Mr. Callahan rose to present the second
resolution of the night. He argued that the most influential person
of the second millennium was Roosevelt for helping America out of
the depression, and although he didn’t exist for 90% of the
millennium, he did give us a sense of hope and power. The
resolution presented was worded: Be it resolved, ____ good or bad,
is the most influential person in the 2nd millennium.
Respectfully, Jeffery B. Callahan of Social Circle.
A request was made to allow speakers on the
resolution to modify the resolution orally. The President granted
this request.
Ms. Frawley spoke for Martin Luther and his
work destroying the corruption of the church in Europe with the
reformation.
Mr. Pyrdum put forth the suggestion that
William of Okhan was the most influential person. He gave people
the idea that the simplest solution is probably the correct one, and
that objects had their properties because they were those objects,
not designated properties from a “great” being.
Mr. Slone, limiting himself to the last
century, motioned that Henry Ford of Ford Motor Company fame was the
most influential. The world has been greatly affected by
automobiles, both in good and bad ways.
Mr. Ramsay pointed out that without the
printing press Ford could not have spread his ideas. Yohan
Guttenberg was nominated for the position of most influential.
Mr. Crouse then referred to Edison’s work as
being the most influential as everyone today is influenced by
electricity and it’s abilities
Ms. Mendoza told the society of a great woman,
who was just that – a woman. Mother Theresa with her work in India
and the poor gave her the nomination for most influential.
Mr. Miller suggested that Henry David Thoreau
and his work with civil disobedience and non-violent protest should
rank him as the most influential person of the 2nd
millennium.
Mr. Roca gave Isaac Newton a nomination
stating, “Science has changed the planet”.
Mr. Cohoon, although not a “Pinka”, nominated
Karl Marx as at one point 1 in 4 countries were Marxist influencing
a great many people.
Mr. Patton, Ray Patton, nominated James Bond as
men want to be him, and women want him. There would be no virgins
left if Bond did exist, and this makes him the most influential.
Mr. Morgan, still wearing that outrageous
shirt, rose and spoke on behalf of Albert Einstein. Even though he
didn’t kill 30 million, he did believe that through physics
everything could be connected. It was also noted that Mr. Morgan
was running on more than 35 hours without sleep. Awww.
Mr. Cureton brought up the plant fetish that
this society seems to possess and asked that Charles Darwin be given
credit as most influential as “Evolution does occur and is
provable.” Evolution has been determined to affect everything.
The question was called and after many round of
voting the honour of most influential person of the 2nd
millennium was given to Yohan Guttenberg for the printing press.
Ms. “evil” Frawley then rose to explain to the
society how we were all lied to as children. Continuing a
tradition, she gave a speech about the social construct that is one
big, huge lie stating laws of physics and the fact that no one has
found his home in the North Pole as examples. I’m saddened to say
she presented: Be it resolved, Santa Claus does not exist.
Truthfully, Kelly Frawley.
Mr. Pyrdum was shocked to hear the outrageous
tale and explained that if you don’t believe, you don’t get
presents. He also displaced Ms. Frawley’s theory stating that the
clitoris was found in 1566. If something isn’t discovered, it
doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Mr. Morgan, now legally insane from tiredness,
became dyslexic and moved that Satan and Santa were one in the
same. Both were not mentioned in the Bible, although both are big
in Christian life.
Mr. Miller said that Santa was real, St.
Nicolas, the patron saint of Russia.
Mr. Slone explained the purchase of a really
large, expensive stealth aircraft by congress. If the Department of
Defense has this technology, why can’t Santa?
The question was called and thankfully, it
failed 16 to 2. I knew I was right!
The meeting then adjourned at 11:30 p.m.
subject to Mr. Slone’s very detailed, descriptive, but much needed
critic’s report.
It was pitch black - nobody could see a thing.
Then the lights came on again. It was later found out that everyone
in Athens had picked up the phone right at midnight causing a black
out in a very small section of town about the size of the hall.
“Thank goodness that’s over,” shrieked Ms. Bauhan. It seemed the
only Y2K glitch the DLS members had experienced was a tiny
time-keeping device attached to the wrist of Mr. Pyrdum. Yes, his
watch had crashed causing the loss of several hundred, no,
correction… 17 names and numbers which he knew by heart anyway. Big
Louie thought he had experienced a Y2K phenomenon, but he was
advised by Mr. Oudi that Alien-beam marks also look remarkably
similar to pizza grease stains, just like the ones found on his
shirt. Big Louie wasn’t the only one to be found with stains on his
attire though. The not-so-innocent-anymore Christmas tree managed
get it’s decorations dirty with the help of a certain DLS member.
Please note that that certain member had sweet-talked three other
trees into bed that night alone, not telling the DLS tree about the
others, our tree packed up it’s pines and left town when it heard
through the grape vine (Which had been sexually assaulted by Mr.
Cureton only weeks before) that she had been used. Mr. Cureton, you
should expect a letter from her attorney any day now.
Now that the whole tree incident is explained,
the story of Crisco Twister can begin. The DLS members had calmed
down after the events of the watch and were now ready for fun
again. Several suggestions for games were given, including
spin-the-bottle by an already toasty Ms. Johnson and the all-favourite
Crisco Twister by Mr. Ramsey. A strong second from Ms. Bennewitz
and Ms. Mikel sealed the vote backing Mr. Ramsey and everybody
prepared to be greased up. However it was time to go and Mr.
Callahan had already practiced earlier in the day. This gave
everybody enough mental images to persuade themselves to go home
early.
Respectively Submitted the 13th of
January, 2000
Karl Goodhew
Secretary
|
University of Georgia 