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The
All-Night Meeting Minutes of February 19, 2000
All right folks, you've had your
fair share of chances of being nice. Now it's revenge. I have
before me the longest, most drawn-out, strung-together from napkins,
almost tedious minutes ever written by any secretary in Demosthenian
Literary Society. If you want to leave, tough. If you've already
left and you've been told to read them on the web, as you will,
tough. This is my time now so listen up. This is actually the
section where I'm supposed to be funny. However, due to the removal
of my humour gland following my illness, I ask that you bear with my
seriousness and head straight into the real part, even if it does
contradict tradition.
The meeting
began with a welcome from Mr. Rivner followed by the introduction of
the first speaker by the same fellow. Dr. Loch Johnson, the
Regent’s professor with an interest in the CIA, discussed the issues
surrounding assassination attempts. It seems like a perfectly good
solution to many, but as Dr. Johnson pointed out, there can be many
reasons why one wouldn't want to do such a thing, including, but not
limited to the problems with the law, diplomatic problems, and the
idiocy of the CIA.
Ms. Bauhan
introduced our second speaker. Dr. Thomas Slater spoke about
America as a denominational society and how we really need to get
there. We forget that our way of doing things isn't the only way
and in actual fact, we are much of an unusual occurrence, especially
when it comes to the separation of Church and State. We all need to
become more respectful of those with different values otherwise we
will become less tolerant.
Mr. Cohoon
introduced Dr. Jonathan Benjamin-Alvarado, an expert in Cuba.
Benjamin-Alvarado spoke of the US policy towards Cuba with its
successes and failures. We all have to look at Cuba realistically
to gain, but unfortunately this leads to many upset politicians who
would rather use methods like those discussed by Dr. Johnson. Today
we need to formulate an agenda and be weary, but respect the
outcome.
Dr.
Lindquist, our new Faculty Advisor, then gave a speech about legal
urban myths and how we should be weary of information given to us by
questioning conventional wisdom and authority. For example, in the
McDonalds hot coffee case, Dr. Lindquist revealed much to the
surprise of DLS that McDonalds had served the coffee 20 degrees
hotter than the trade standard and had already received 700 claims
about this. The coffee caused $11,000 worth of 3rd
degree burns and the $2.9Million award was reduced to $600,000.
None of this information was ever with the lead story. See; check
into what you read next time.
Finally,
after the amazing speeches, we were about to witness the old alumni
bash it out before us. Most of "us" however were downtown, so as
you all missed it, here are the details:
Ms. Chasan
(alum) spoke about Public Assistance Housing or "ghettos" as she
referred to them. Complaining of bad education systems and poor
policing she asked: Be it Resolved, New housing developments should
contain at least 10% or 3 units, whichever amount is the greater, of
public assistance housing. Respectfully submitted, Laura Chasan.
All Night Meeting 2000.
Mr. Hortman
(alum) said that he lives in Chicago around where they filmed "7".
He described how the city was able to clean it up explaining that
the answer is not to spread the poverty as this would just remove
the social structure of these communities.
Ms. McDonald
(alum), or the "first lady of the society" told us to forget about
projects. People should be given a piece of land and a house. Her
solution: Lower prices and raise income.
Mr.
Van-Meter (alum) said that we should end housing developments as we
know it and change the culture of living. Poor people can't reach
jobs because of transit problems, and this needs to change.
Mr. White
(alum) said that public assistance housing doesn't fit in with
sub-division builder’s plans and are hard to sell.
Mr. Wilds
(alum) said that we shouldn't pay for people to live as they should
take care of themselves. We should let the State decide whether to
be generous or not. Charity should be the answer as the tax system
limits Mr. Wilds' growth.
Ms. Chasan
(alum) then grabbed the floor for a second time and soon after was
fined for inappropriate language. She amended the resolution to
read, after much race based discussion: Be it resolved, In order to
increase racial and economic integration and promote the American
way of equality for all, new housing developments should contain at
least 10% or 3 units, whichever amount is greater, of public
assistance housing. Respectfully submitted, Laura Chasan. ANM2K.
Mr. Roca was
fined for asking a stupid question during the last speech.
Ms.
Anderson-Devla (alum) said that the resolution is irrelevant and
will never happen. Just like in the high school classroom, cliques
develop and no one talks to each other. Save them some self-esteem
and emotional trauma.
Mr. Roca was
fined again for approaching the bench without permission.
Mr. Pyrdum
told us that because the government has infinite debt it should
splice little pieces of different races together and joins them hand
in hand until we have a perfect world with large decahedron houses.
The question
was called and failed 1 to 10 among the alumni and 2 to 6 among the
members. I was asked to note that Mr. Johnson would've voted
opposite 10 years ago and has also aged.
Mr. Hortman
(alum) then took the floor and spoke of the devil, or at least the
spawn of it. The force that this spawn has exuded has integrated
itself into every part of our lives, and we will never escape it.
He presented: Be it resolved, Bill Gates is the spawn of the devil.
Respectfully submitted, Jason C. Hortman.
Mr. Rivner
fined himself 50c for some reason which completely escapes me. With
that, the debate continued.
Mr.
Van-Meter (alum) said that IBM was the anti-Christ and Windows (TM)
is vital to the economy. Microsoft products are good, but they
close the market.
Ms.
Anderson-Devla (alum) said that Bill Gates is the shepherd and all
the windows users were the sheep. Bill is a bad shepherd.
Mr. Trammel
(alum) said that the devil is interested in souls and Gates is
interested in dollars. People love to tear down successful
people... maybe Gates is the selected seed of the devil.
Ms. McDonald
(alum) said that one day Bill Gates will be the ultimate leader and
we will all have Bill one-dollar bills.
Mr. Bowman
(alum) made the obvious observation that Americans are lazy. People
have too much stuff do to in their lives to focus in on computers.
Ms. Viser
(alum) thanked Bill Gates for not having to programme for 4 hours to
get a smiley face.
Mr. Choi
(alum) said that people who demonize Bill Gates are reaping the
benefits.
Mr. Guy
(alum) commented that we have antitrust laws for a reason pointing
out Standard Oil. Bill Gates is just living the American Dream.
Ms.
Tomlinson (alum) said that antitrust laws are setup to protect the
consumer. They don't protect the inventor or producer.
Mr. White
(alum) would rather use a Mac. HA. Microsoft isn't innovative.
HA.
The question
was called and the wise alumni voted 4 to 10, as did the members 5
to 7.
Mr. Trammel
(alum) then brought up the age-old question of Rocker and his foul
mouth. He presented: Be it resolved, due to its recent stance on
the John Rocker incident, Major League baseball should no longer be
considered our NATIONAL past time. Bob Trammel.
Mr. Smiley
(alum) said that MLB is the employer of John Rocker. If he had
spoken as Rocker had in class, he would've been fired. Braves lost
money for what Rocker said, so they had a right.
Reverend Mr.
Wells (alum) said that Americans are very practical and we should be
more tender hearted. Forced sensitivity training is then a bad
idea.
Mr. Pratt
(alum) explained how he learned that the South was bad during the
Civil War. Then he went on to say that baseball is boring and it
should be football in the resolution.
Mr. Gasaway
(alum) said that they were going after Rocker for monetary reasons.
The team will not be a team unless they all give a damn Yankee about
each other, and this is why Rocker needs to be kept off the team.
At this
point a foreign member tried to call the question. He failed.
Miserably.
Ms.
Anderson-Devla (alum) said that the national pastime is the trial of
the media and hypocrisy. If we start to curtail the speech of
idiots it could lead further.
Mr. Rivner
asked if this small violation of freedom of speech warranted the
removal of baseball as the national sport. He noted that it was a
purely American sport filled with foreigners. (One up to
Foreigners!)
Mr. Dirbis
(alum) said that Mr. Rocker should be kicked out for breaking common
courtesy. Class justice is replacing individual justice, just like
what happened in the communist revolution.
Mr. Bowman
(alum) said we should avoid looking at the extremes like the Soviet
Union.
Ms. Viser
(alum) said that MLB isn't the government so it can expel him
whenever they want to. Athletes are on a different level to normal
people and this is unfair.
Mr. Prydum
said that the resolution refers to baseball, not MLB. He explained
a sad story about his family and how baseball allowed him and his
father to sit and be together without having to talk about their
feelings. No one can take away your memories, or your baseball.
Mr. Lowe
(alum) asked how you would remove baseball, and what exactly would
it achieve? America will not listen.
Mr. Hortman
(alum) said that litigation is the national pastime. Rocker is like
most people in America, only he's stupid enough to say it. The
average American likes to place the blame on different races or
cultures, and not on themselves.
The question
was called and failed 4 to 6 among the alumni and 1 to 10 among the
members.
After 2 and
a half-hours it was over, now on to the Historian's address.
Ms.
Bennewitz gave a brief summary of this years "happenings" and "what'stobedones"
she thanked several members and commented on the great PR campaign
and improved speaking.
Somewhere
around here we had a recess and I managed to grab myself a couple of
aspirin and a bathroom break - ahhhh.
We then
resumed. 1 first time guest was present and 1 alum was present.
(There had been a whole room full of them, but now they were all
downtown).
Mr. Crouse
gave a committee report for Alumni-Relations and thanked us all for
the food.
At this
point after many failed attempts by Mr. Asher Louie Rivner we
finally had an attempt to impeach him. Mr. Ramsay as the
prosecution and Mr. Morgan as the defense a battle involving Star
Wars figures, Christmas lights, and a self-spanking Mr. Cohoon
resulted in the successful impeachment of the President. A motion
to reconsider was made and unfortunately passed meaning that Mr.
Rivner could return as President.
The meeting
returned to normal (almost) and Ms. Johnson took the floor. She
explained how she worked in the library and how they had a bulletin
board of Michael Adams pictures. She presented: Be it resolved,
the President of the University of Georgia should be an academic,
not a politician. Respectfully submitted, Becky Johnson.
Mr.
Van-Meter (alum) said that Knapp didn't care about anyone on campus
and Adams has direction. Other presidents have disgraced the
University and so far, Adams is great.
Mr. Morgan
said that man by nature is a political animal. To be the leader of
the University you have to be a politician.
Mr. Rivner
said that the problem is he is a bad politician as everybody can see
he's going to run as Governor. Adams doesn't care.
Mr. Pratt
(alum) said that the President brings lots of money to the
University. Political power is equal to money raised, and vice
versa.
Mr. Cohoon
said the Adams wears the hat of a politician to get money for the
University. He's doing a good job at that.
Ms.
Bennewitz said that the money for his new office renovation had
already been set aside. If Adams wanted to be Governor, he could've
done it already. He gives us a good reputation and is doing a great
job.
Ms. Mikel
said that Adams is a politician and is good at his job. He knows
when to answer people and when to ignore people. That's his job.
Mr. Hortman
(alum) likened the President as academic coach to a coach of the
quarterback. It's noted here in my notebook that "Mr. Morgan failed
to be charming" - I think he fell of his seat.
Mr. Lowe
(alum) said we should have two presidents. One for politics and one
for academics. By the way, Llamas are fun to race.
Mr. Goodhew
gave a spiel on why he doesn't like Dr. Adams. After explaining
he's squandering UGA's good name he ran downstairs and never came
back....
Mr. Choi
(alum) said something. He made some argument about his resolution,
unfortunately the secretary never got it. He presented, on a
napkin: Be it resolved, Capital punishment deters vigilante
justice. Respectfully submitted, S. Cheong Choi.
Mr. Trammel
(alum) said something. Maybe something about failing. Yeah.
Mr. Cohoon
also said something. Maybe something about survival of the
fittest. Oh yeah, and something about Canada.
Mr. Morgan,
"My Hero!" as noted in the notebook, said we are on fire. Vigilante
justice is a perversion of justice. "There are temples in Greece,
and Hussies for Athena. Thinks the Daddy is more important than the
Mommy." - I'm hoping that the acting secretary was not intoxicated
here, what do you say Mr. Patton?
Mr. Pyrdum
said that we would be without superheroes without vigilante
justice. Mr. Pyrdum has never seen a vigilante.
Ms. Wilson
said that without capital punishment people will take the law into
their own hands. Capital punishment justifies murder, and Ms.
Wilson does NOT advocate murder.
Mr.
Van-Meter (alum) went to Wyoming! Something about Buffaloes. Look,
I wasn't there, but there are Buffalo and Bison comments made all
the way through this resolution. What were you all discussing!?!
Mr. Hortman
(alum) "wanted to speak on the resolution". He quoted the
Declaration of Independence because he is educated. You know you
can beat Grandma's brain if you REALLY want to?
Ms. Mikel
said that she didn't like telemarketers and to be careful because
they're prisoners.
Ms. Bauhan
said that once there were real vigilantes. Now all we have is the
A-Team on HOTlanta.
Mr. Lowe
(alum) spoke about something related to Romulus and Remus and how we
could've been named Rome, GA.
The question
was called, but somehow the result was never recorded. If anyone
knows - let me know!
Mr. Pyrdum
then presented the resolution: whereas I'd rather be hot than cold,
be it resolved: As snack foods go, buffalo wings are superior to
Eskimo pies. Respectfully, Bobby T, Ryan Van-Meter and Carl S.
Pyrdum.
Mr. Trammel
(alum) recalled fondly his experience with hot wings and Eskimo
pies. Alcohol plays a role, but hot wings finally triumph.
Ms. Arnold
said we are drawn to the opposite of what we really have. We must
search ourselves for what we desire!
Mr. White
(alum) said something about foreigners destroying America's
heritage. I wasn't there for the speech, but I'm hoping it went on
to say nice things about foreigners.
Mr. Slone
could've said something about wanting Eskimo pies and not hot wings,
but who really knows? The alumni were trying to bamboozle the
members that Eskimo pies are better.
Mr. Cohoon
may have had an intelligent argument, maybe not.
Mr. Roca
forgot his argument. Bye!
Mr. Alsen
asks himself the question every day. He's decided that ice cream is
the best.
Mr. Roca
recovered and said that neither is good because of the cold. Pizza
is best. Cereal is also neat.
The question
was called and passed 7 to 2 and 8 to 3 among the alumni and members
respectively.
There were
then 3 emotional, if not interrupted speeches by alumni followed by
a wonderful 19-second critic's report. The society adjourned at 7am
subject to orange juice, donuts, and the signing of the book.
Now that
that's over I can return to the normal flow of the minutes and make
a couple of observations. Firstly - Mr. Kolychev, do you usually
draw on yourself at night? You should see a psychologist about
that, I believe there's a condition for it. Ms. Moultrie, Ms.
Moultrie! Gee... aghhh... mmmm.... Moving on. Ms. Patton. I
know you have secret feelings for Mr. Morgan and many other members
of the society - but do you REALLY need to cover my notebook from
front to back with little hearts and pictures of his hair? Talking
about my notebook, somebody that was in the chair decided to note
that Mr. Childs looks like Tom Green. I'm still waiting for the
dead cow's head to appear in the upper chamber. Overall, I believe
the opinion of the Society is that alcohol certainly adds pazazz to
the all-night meeting, but somehow – the fact that we made it
through the presidential impeachment without starting World War III
seems strangely refreshing.
Respectfully
submitted the 24th February, 2000.
Karl Goodhew,
Secretary.
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