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Minutes for 9/4/03
Rachel could not be here tonight, but she left these minutes
for us to enjoy…
Words cannot convey how sorry I am that I am not at Demosthenian
tonight. I truly wish I could be with you all, and I mean this
in a very heartfelt and real “I wish I didn’t have to study
for 2 stupid tests” kind of way. Still, even through this adversity
I managed to get the minutes done, an improvement over the last
meeting. This act of selflessness should prove yet again that
I am the premiere Demosthenian and can therefore be forgiven
1 little absence. Oh wait, I’m the secretary, so you, whoever
you are that’s filling in for me, be a good boy/girl and make
me present. It will be our little secret, and all of you in
the audience can just forget that last bit.
Well, well, my words out of someone else’s mouth, what should
I do? I think I’ll take this opportunity and fulfill my life
long dream of (insert your name here) have a conversation with
themselves.
ME: So, (insert your name here), having a nervous breakdown
yet?
YOU: (use your better judgment here - maybe look at his desperate-plea-for-help
doodles.)
ME: Has Bram learned that if he makes those faces too much,
he’ll freeze that way?
YOU: (look appalled, Bram)
ME: Of everyone in the society, who do you think has the best
shoes?
YOU: (You’d better say Rachel Aaron, or you’ll never work in
this town again.)
May I should just put in a lot of damn yankee dirty words and
have you fined! After all, you’re saying them, not me, I’m just
ink on paper. That will cause a real Judicial crisis! For example,
if I write “Ph* K*pp*” and you say it, then who’s to blame?
Ahh, Mr. Moulds, I think you have a conundrum on your hands…
So, (insert your name here), does it feel weird to talk to
yourself? If you are Matt Lerner, maybe you’re used to it, only
he calls it “practicing Spanish,” him and his devil talk. As
it is, I’ve probably embarrassed you enough already. Take a
moment and look around the upper chamber as you wrap this thing
up. Do you see confused looks? People talking amongst themselves?
Perhaps some guests are inching their way towards the door?
If so, then you did a very bad job on the minutes. How dare
you read such drivel! I’m ashamed of you! But, if people look
enthralled, perhaps Mr. Lewis has lost his look of bored superiority
and is watching you with interest. Maybe there is a horde of
visitors in the doorway, hanging on your every word… then you
should throw up your hands in awe of my superior secretarial
abilities! Go on! Raise them high!
Did you get through that alright, (insert your name here)?
No permanent damage? Good! Then give everyone in the room the
Ms. Aaron “Knowing Mischievous Glance™” and proceed to the minutes,
already in progress.
The meeting of Sept. 4th, 2003 began on an extraordinarily
ghettotacular note with some of the most botched minutes ever
where I tried to improve and died instead. Lesson learned. Putting
that behind, there were 11 first time guests and 13 2nd/3rd
time guests. Hooray!
Mr. Miller opened us up with “BIR: It
is not unethical to download copyrighted music. Respectfully
submitted, Bill Lee Miller.”
Mr. Lewis stood in opposition, pointing out that 15 year olds
are not contributing to our cultural literacy; they just download
music because of marketing. Intellectual property is still property
and, contrary to what you might think, MP3s do not yearn to
be free.
Mr. David Ballard (guest) asked how do we define ethics? If
ethics are not doing something to cause harm to another person,
then downloading music is unethical because it is taking people’s
jobs away.
Ms. Molly Murray (guest) Pointed out that people have been
freely trading music for millennia, and that Intellectual property
laws are a new thing. What ever happened to art for art’s sake?
Mr. Addison asked us who’s not in the music business to make
money? Downloading free music is unethical because it’s devaluing
someone’s labor. It’s this cavalier attitude that’s causing
society to go down hill.
Ms. Hines says that’s downloading is illegal because it’s unethical.
Saying that it is ok to steal is hurting our country, not helping
it.
Mr. Jacob Martinson (guest) pointed out that downloading isn’t
ruining the music industry, bad music is ruining the music industry.
Mr. Stone related that music is property and one of the government’s
main roles is to protect property. Without personal property,
its Communism, so if you download music you’re a communist.
(Good show comrade!)
Ms. Parker enlightened us that the music industry isn’t totally
against MP3s and often uses them to monitor sales. Concerts
are where the real money is at anyway.
Ms. Emily Crawford (guest) said that smaller groups are the
ones that hurt the most from downloading, losing valuable starter
money from pirated albums that otherwise would have been bought.
Mr. Gallagher preached that if you truly believe in your heart
that downloading music is wrong, then it is wrong for you. The
recording industry is full of useless work, bad economics. It
would be best to let the music mingle freely and then make more
money off of bigger concerts fueled by MP3 fans.
The question was called, and the resolution failed 13-10 among
members, 10-14 among guests, and 0-3 among alumni. Mr. Lerner
asked that it be noted at this point that, having voted against
this resolution, he is a big hypocrite. Do not worry, Matt,
I’ve already alerted the FBI, they should be confiscating your
computer as we speak. Rest assured, you can still play Snood
at my house.
Ms. Winchell was late, and so took this opportunity to announce
the importance of the Fall activities fair. We must gather more
impressionable young minds to our cause (insert evil laugh).
Ms. Hines took over after that with “Resolved:
That the US and State Supreme Courts should eliminate the
use of stare decisis in judicial decision making. Respectfully
submitted, Sherri Hines”
Mr. Lerner said that this suggestion would undermine our legal
system. It would not be fair for two people to be treated two
different ways for the same crime.
Mr. Lewis reminded us in his completely nonjudgmental way that
judges are human too and so what do you do when that human court
is wrong? Stare decisis is a sloppy way of avoiding sticky situations
and an excuse for laziness.
Mr. Moulds pointed out that checks and balances keep the court
in line and if you don’t like the court’s decision, write your
congressman.
The question was called and the resolution failed 4-13 among
members and 3-7 among guests.
Mr. Misztal then presented “BIR: The implementation
of the “Clean Money” publicly funded campaigns will fundamentally
improve the democratic process of the United States of America.
Respectfully submitted, Maciej Misztal.”
Mr. Lewis said that we are the least corrupt of any government
in history and anyone who says we are corrupt is a whiny loser.
At this point, Mr. Lewis’s speech veered into raging anti-Semitism,
though he did later apologize for forgetting the other Jewish
congressmen after some firm verbal prodding from Ms. Steinburg.
Mr. Addison blew off the resolution entirely to announce our
party, but that’s a mute point since it’s been moved. More on
that later, see Mr. Addison and Ms. Prabahkar for details. Oh,
and he also pointed out that money does not always win elections,
people who get votes win elections as shown by Georgia’s very
own financial underdog Sonny Perdue.
Ms. Skrmetti really like the readable resolution and reminded
us that it is not the money, but the name recognition that money
pays for that wins elections.
Having come to no real conclusion other than we were hot, the
question was called and the resolution failed 6-7 among members
and passed 7-6 among guests.
Ms. Crawford (guest) brought the following to our attention,
“BIR: Our society should go back to arranged
marriages. Respectfully submitted, Emily Crawford,” and
a very nice first resolution it was, Ms.Crawford.
Ms. Aaron spoke next, pointing out with a speech of great beauty
and power that this would only cause there to be more children.
What a drag.
Ms. Steinburg used her great acting skills to show us that
we need arranged marriages to make good Iranian movies.
Mr. Theiss, showing his loneliness, said that at least a system
of arranged marriages would assure us of a wife/husband – but
which do you want, Mr. Theiss?
Mr. Lerner, in his worldly way, pointed out that if couples
who want to get together can’t stay together then people who
are forced to marry will fall apart even faster.
At this point, Mr. Moulds, the acting secretary, decided he
just didn’t feel like taking notes anymore, so I have no clue
what happened after this. Let’s all hiss at him for his lack
of dedication. (hissss!)
After I returned to the bench and the order of the universe
was restored, Mr. Theiss promptly dislodged it again with some
resolution about breast milking for profit. We ejected him from
the upper chamber again on principal, though for the record,
the resolution was funny weird, not funny ha ha. Since things
could only go up from here, we adjourned following Ms. Steinburg’s
vehement critics report.
Thank you all for your patience, I’ll be back next week. And
to the poor sap who read all this for me, you’ve been a good
sport. Enjoy the fame while it lasts.
These have been your minutes, I’m Rachel Aaron, only I’m not,
I’m (insert your name here), and you’ve all been very patient
with my schizophrenia. Goodnight and thanks for all the fish.
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