Minutes of the DLS: December 4, 2003

Despite the perpetual effervescent activity of Blue Ridge, Georgia, where there is the same southern cooking restaurant five places in town, under five different names, and where when people speak of the nightlife they are referring to raccoons and possums, I came back to Athens quite rapidly after my family had exchanged gifts and gone through all our Christmas traditions.

Yet once back in Athens, I found myself faced with the same mind numbing boredom I experienced in Blue Ridge. So I decided to make use of one of my new Christmas gifts – a handwriting analysis book. Everyone who has signed the guest registry or written minutes (in other words, everyone) has left an ample sample of his or her script, thereby revealing tantalizing tidbits of information about there inner psyches.

For instance, from the scribblings of Mr. Lerner, we can easily deduce that our esteemed president continued bedwetting until age six.

Sherrie Hines, it seems, suffers from a depressing lack of motivation in almost every area of her life – Ms. Hines, please find some organization to become a part of, it might improve your social life and help you become a little more involved on campus.

Amish Trivedi, is apparently paranoid. Amish, relax. Now that the conspiracy to remove you from the bench is forever complete, you have nothing to worry about except those shifty professors who are all out to get you.

And if you think those fire and brimstone speeches by Bram Gallagher are just for humor, think again. He suffers from acute multiple personality disorder – just think about it, his chameleon impersonations during his speeches, and the way he came up with a different getup for every meeting as secretary simply can’t be coincidence.

But on to business.

The last meeting was the final one for fall semester, meaning that it started out with bittersweet farewells from our graduating members. Ms. Bell went first, thanking everyone and advising us to put off the real world and enjoy college.

Next came Ms. Knight, who apologized for leaving and blamed it on the fact that graduate school was making her crazy. She left the Venereal Key to Matt Addison.

After her, Ms. Parker rose and told of how Demosthenian helped her talk about more interesting things to her then-boyfriend-now-fiancé. She left the Arrow Key to Jackson Keenan, the Jewish Mafia Key to Samantha Keyes-Blumer, a notebook for records to Amish Trivedi, and assorted books on practicing voodoo (or on research done in her chosen fields, women’s studies and sociology) to the society.

Ms. Ramsey followed, saying that Demosthenian is like Cheers in that it is where everybody knows your name. She gave the crush key to James Flanagan, the Wish I Got to Know You Better Key to Samantha Keyes-Blumer, the Things Change Key to Amish Trivedi, and the Ambition Key to Sherrie Hines. She also left a CD-Rom workbook for the MCATs, a University Housing shirt, and a red Georgia pom-pom.

Next, we accepted Ms. Prabhakar’s treasurer’s report.

After this, Mr. Lerner rose to give the censor morum’s report, on the moral turpitude’s of the members. We were all appropriately ashamed - - as much as being caught in questionable acts as of the quality of Photoshop doctoring in Mr. Lerner’s photos.

Mr. Addison asked that it be added to the minutes that the books Mr. Lerner brought to his report were actually for him to sit on so he could see over the bench.

Moving on to New Business, Ms. Crawford rose with “Be It Resolved: It is preferable to save sex for marriage.”

Ms. Aaron then rose against the resolution, saying that sex makes relationships awesome, and what’s wrong with releasing primal sexual energy?

Mr. Miller agreed with Ms. Aaron, adding that sex ties us to our heritage and we should all strive harder to drive further, upward and onward!

Ms. Keyes-Blumer rose in support of the resolution even though it is difficult to keep and that there can be regrets even if it is consensual.

Ms. Ballou then spoke, saying that sex is the most vulnerable thing a person can do, and it is safest done in marriage.

Ms. Hines agreed with the resolution, but only for men, who can easily get in a great deal of legal trouble for rape and child molestation for having sex.

Mr. Sparks, a guest, rose saying that the problem with sex is that there is a lack of honesty about it.

Next, Mr. Martinson shared a personal story of a boy who was destroyed after being caught sleeping with a teacher.

Mr. Theiss supported the resolution and added that pleasure alone is never a good reason to have sex. If the only reason you are having sex in marriage is for pleasure, than you are prostituting marriage.

It is then noted that Mr. Theiss really can’t talk, since he is serving two life-terms on the no-sex list.

Finally, Ms. Duncan named some problems with waiting, like the fact that it could lead to people rushing into marriage.

The resolution tied, failing 7 to 8 after a vote by the president.

The meeting was adjourned and we all went to Little Italy.

Respectfully Submitted,
Emily Crawford (acting secretary)