Dear Mr. Reed,
It has come to the attention of the Demosthenian Literary Society that there is a wide array of aesthetically pleasing digital media to be found on the internet. These quote unquote “boobies” have been known to please and amaze literally every generation of mankind.
Ok, not really. Last week was that time of year we know as the All Night Meeting. A twelve hour affair of debate interspersed with random violence and alumni saying to themselves, “In my day the snow walked miles through you.”
Somehow, the meeting was called to order and we had eleven first time guests and two second time guests. We also had 12 Alumni, of whom 9 were apparently former presidents.
Ms. Wilkinson presented Mr. Porter, a DA from Gwinett Georgia who spoke to us about how his job makes him view the human condition.
Ms. Koval presented Dr. Katherine Jones, a professor of French Literature who spoke to us about the timelessness of Arthurian legends and myths.
Mr. D. Weiss presented Dr. Acosta-Alzura, a professor from Venezuela. The opinion of most alumni and members was that she totally rocked the house by talking about the influence and form of the Telenova in Latin American culture.
We then had a fifteen minute recess to thank the speakers. After resuming, Ms. Pearl absentmindedly asked if there were any petitions to reinstate membership, and Mr. Head stood up, whom, back in graduate school, now qualifies for membership. After giving a brief but heartfelt address and after we briefly deliberated, Mr. Head was re-accepted into membership.
We then moved into Committee Reports where Mr. Vick announced a post party orgy and Ms. Koval was healed by the lord and thanked the Alunni for showing up.
We then moved into New Business which began with the Alumni Debate.
Mrs. Mary Webb-Pyrdum spoke of how she used to watch educational videos at school about how America is so awesome. The key was rugged individualism, however this rugged individualism also encourages us to not help others, so she presented: BIR, Rugged Individualism is Ruining America.
Another Alumna whose name I didn't catch then rose to point out that European countries and Canada don't really have money to take care of citizens. Her sister needed two years to get a diagnosis of MS in Canada, although it would take about a week in the US.
Mr. Furr, yet another Alumnus, rose to dispute the notion that Americans aren't interested in taking care of one another-- the only reason his church group has not gone to Mississippi to help out with the Katrina relief yet is because there is a waiting list.
Another Alumna rose to mention her work for Keep Georgia Beautiful. Although we may be rugged individuals from time to time, we're also focused on building and maintaining social capital.
Mr. Pyrdum, an Alumnus (I'm sensing a pattern) pointed out that as a rugged individualist, he needs no help to get his breakfast from the fridge, get his coffee from starbucks, and that he drives the biggest SUV he could forage before he meets with his cabal. He then asked what Rugged Individualism really meant; is it rugged individualism to help build a church with your own money?
Another alumnus rose to speak of the omnibus bill of 1985 which stipulates that regardless of your ability to pay, a hospital must be available to you in an emergency. We don't mean forget everyone when we say be an individual.
Ms. Aaron, an alumna, rose to point out that America was founded as a religious colony and Australia was founded as a penal colony, ergo, Aussies are cooler. She then suggested that the problem with America is not rugged individualism but bureaucracy.
Mr. Earl, not an alumnus, pointed out that if you don't look at the most efficient way to do things without relying on others, you have no way of gaging what is and isn't really your fault.
Mr. Misztal said that the debate boils down to charity. He cited a study that showed church attendence and libertarian leanings are positively correlated to charitable giving. More specifically, people are more likely to give to people who are more like themselves. He pointed out that he is more likely to lend money to a Demosthenian, for instance. Maciej, can I borrow five bucks?
Mr. Vick disputed the existence of Rugged Individuals; Instead of community, we have a common culture. Apathy is the real problem-- if people felt like their actions made a difference, they'd try.
Mr. Theiss asked why exactly we were thought to be helping one another less? When people offhandedly cross themselves off as the problem they fail to look at what the problem might be. The idea that we ought to have government watch over us is bad. Individualism is a good thing and we ought not to look at others before ourselves.
Mr. P. Weiss spoke of the transcendentalists and pointed out that they sometimes had to borrow an axe. Individualism won't hurt America because we still help each other.
Ms. Meek felt like individualism had gotten a bad rap in the debate and said that choosing who we give our money to is not rugged individualism. She claimed that Capitalist systems are superior to socialists because they are more efficient.
An older alumnus who happened to be a Superior court judge said that we were witnessing the destruction of an issue by charactere. A real rugged individualist simply knows who they are, what they are about, and that they are equal in rights to others.
Mr. Hansen said that the resolution was based on a falsehood. If we look into ourselves as wrong we will see nothing at all wrong with the outside world. The first people to come to America tried to make it into their image, as if they were Gods.
An older almuna rose, who I believe was the first female member of Demosthenian, but don't quote me on that since I didn't manage to catch her name. She said that the epitome of a rugged individualist is George Washington, leading other rugged individualists to build the greatest country we could expect to live in.
Mr. Ballard told us that his grandfather got into UGA by running a paper route against the backdrop of the new deal. He wanted to believe that personal responsibility is not dead in such an era, and is a critical part of the American experience.
The question was then called and an Alumnus, the president of fall 1969, spoke briefly to us before he had to take his leave-- thankfully before Mr. D. Weiss could ask him if he knew where to locate those minutes. He told us that the hall appeared in excellent shape, that the admission of women turned out to be a really good idea, and he quoted Einstein as saying “If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.”
Among members the resolution failed 6 to 15. Among Alumni the resolution failed two to ten. Among guests the resolution failed two to nine.
Ms. Bell, an alumna, noted she was too much of an individual to be bound by voting.
Mr. Cohoon, an alumnus, rose to talk about his average day in law school and how he has to give his wife a little pop if she doesn't have dinner on the table when he's home; but not really. He pointed out that most rationales permitting the beating of children would also apply to spousal abuse and they don't make sense. Thus: BIR, Corporal punishment of children is immoral.
Mr. Gallagher, an alumus, rose to express outrage that his resolution was not about wife beating. For example, he often has to tell his girlfriend where she can go, what she can eat, and who she can associate with; again, but not really. Nevertheless, those arguments would apply to children since you're working in their best interests.
Mr. Dowell said it wasn't necessary to beat children; the sheer intensity and tone of his mother's voice got the desired effect.
Mrs. Webb-Pyrdum said that Mr. Cohoon's wife is a teacher, which is why the food isn't always ready. When you're in Wal-mart and your child starts crying, what are your options? Then again, she was spanked once when she was six but never really got over it, and still mentions the unfairness of that act to her parents to this day.
Ms. Servidio opposed. You have to teach children the proper way to act in public. “Just wait till your father gets home” works. She works at Gamestop and is constantly frustrated by people who cannot keep their kids in check.
Ms. Brown supported the resolution, but at the same time, corporal punishment worked out for her.
Ms. Crawford pointed out that corporal punishment does not work for all children. Some children have contrary, rebellious personalities which are not amenable to corporal punishment.
An Alumnus stated that he was torn by the issue. In his family it was probably a good thing. That said, having a knowledge of child psychology helps a parent a lot.
Ms. Bernhard said that spanking can teach children that violence is a useful way of solving problems. There are ways of punishing children that aren't corporal punishment but are more than just words. Not using corporal punishment results in having a different relationship with your children.
Ms. Davis, still a guest at this point in the minutes, said that every job she's had has dealt with younger children. When instructing them it is almost impossible to keep them under control. She has no way of disciplining trouble makers and cannot even really verbally reproach them.
Mr. Williamson did not rise to tell us how serial killers are created. Instead, he told us he was spanked a lot, but doesn't really remember it so well. Maybe you ought to spank kids a lot so they wont remember it. Spaking your kids, so long as you love them, hurts you too, and it can be effective for a lot of individuals.
Ms. Sush pointed out that Asian parents do not spank, they use belts and canes. Corporal punishment also worked for her. A child who puts a cookie in the VCR is not rational. “Pain beautiful pain” can re-enforce things very well.
The question was called and failed six to fourteen members, love to five alumni, two to three guests.
Ms. Bell then rose to answer the question of why the internet was created. The answer? Porn.
Be it resolved, the internet is for porn, RS Deborah Benton and Jennifer Bell.
Mr. Furr then rose to point out that as pornography increases, birthrates decrease, which is pretty awesome. Just a little porn can make the world a better place. Ms. Koval was upset that she can't look at porn on the job. Mr. Morgan spoke of the primitive times of scrambled channel 97 and his friend bill, definitely not him, no sir. Mr. Chiego pointed out that there is a long history of using pornography to promote technology. Mr. Williamson spoke based off his extensive experience and how porn just sort of magically finds a way to his computer, Mr. Blangero, an alumnus, called shame on us yet said the resolution doesn't go far enough. To this end it was amended: That a letter expressing the sense of this resolution be mailed to Demosthenian alumnus Ralph Reed. Mr. Pyrdum was glad that his wife went to the bars so he could speak of porn. Mr. Earl then rose to break my life, but his safety was not guaranteed. Ms. Bernhyard pointed out that the Internet is actually for stalking. Ms. Meek spoke of trying to investigate the Moral Islamic Liberation Front which on the internets actually means “Mother i'd like to AHEM”
The question was called and passed sixteen to nine among members three to nothing among alumni and fie to one among guests. Mr. Patrick Wailliams noted that some abstained because they could not lift their right hands at the time, and Mr. Earl has only done this once before.
Mr. Ballard then rose to celebrate our starting a new tradition with the DLS Classic and presented a resolution to extend it. Ms. Wilkinson then rose to thank Radhika and David for their awesome work and presented Ms. Prabahkar with a trophy and Mr. Ballard with a horses ass, thereby making Ms. Wilkinson the UNDISPUTED QUEEN of prop comedy in the upper chamber.
We then tabled the resolution and Ms. Koval gave the historians address. She noted in what ways this year has been particularly historic for Demosthenian, especially in terms of the number of new members. Compared to other places in the US, what we do is relatively rare, and we ought to be excited about that.
We then had a petition for membership from Ms. Anna-Claire Davis, who gave a maiden address on the subject of her hometown of Madison, Georgia.
After accepting her into the membership, we then had the impeachment trial, which I like to think of as “random violence.” Ms. Wilkinson used a total of twenty-eight exclamation marks, which should show you just what a bad person Ms. Pearl really is. At one point Ms. Keyes-Bloomer attempted to strangle Mr. Morgan to death with a piece of cloth in retaliation for attempting to tape Ms. Pearl to the comfortable chair, the resulting brawl leading to nothing more than her hair being messed up. Regarding that, Mr. Morgan, you might want to move your chair off that gigantic X marked TRAP DOOR. Either way the trial went the way you might expect it to and the end result was that we established a Gavel Kleptocracy.
Mr. Theiss then presented BIR: For their shallow “guerrilla marxism” and trivializing violence and terrorism, the clothier “fighters and lovers” will receive the Brickheap award.
Mr. Misztal said that the fashion world will always push it to the limit and that anything goes. Sending a Brick would legitimize their message. If we send a Brick, the joke is on us.
Mr. D. Weiss said that sending the BHA is akin to saying to terrorists “come target us.” We might as well put a big target on the hall. Terrorists don't think logically.
The quesiton was then called and tabled.
Mr. Miller then presented BIR, Ralph Reed should get the BHA.
Mr. Theiss then rose to ask us to table the resolution, which we did.
Mr. Chiego then rose to point out that he feels ignored by his friends who value technology over him and presented BIR, devices such as Ipods and cell phones are destroying normal social skills.
Mr. Misztal said they drown out excess noise, like SGA people, and are just another method of ignoring people. Ms. Herschman said that she needs a cell phone to keep in touch with her northern cohorts. Mr. Morgan said that normal social skills are bad, and that cell phones can be useful to alleviate awkward situations. Ms. Buhlig dumped out the contents of her purse and said that her ipod broke last week. She had a panic attack from the human noise that was not drowned out. Ms. David said that the ipod is beneficial intellectually, Mr. Steinberg doesn't have an ipod but didn't get hit with an east west bus like that guy who was litening to an ipod. Ms. Bernhard said that supports of the resolution are just jealous; she likes having a soundtrack to her life. Mr. Richards said he needs new friends. Cell phones are useful tools to dodge awkward social situations. Mr. Theiss said he likes Japanese culture of not talking, and lo he said unto us, the Ipod worked, and the tate preacher said not a word. Mr. Duffy said we ought to see how girls survive without their ipods or cell phones, and that torture is fun.
The question was called and failed 7 to 10 among members 1 to 1 among alumni and 1 to 1 among guests.
Mr. Theiss then presented
BIR, because separate but equal is inherently unjust, the US Shall institute mandatory unisex bathrooms.
It's only fair, women ought to have urinals too, and it would average out the dirtiness. Mr. Morgan said we shouldn't subject girls to the horror of a male bathroom, Mr. Richards said he's scared of unisex bathrooms, Mr. D. Weiss said that we ought to abolish bathrooms and the question was called. It failed four to eleven among members, passed two to nothing among alumni, and failed one to one among guests. It was then noted that the two guests who stayed until four fourty five just plain rock. It was noted that John Henry Theiss is obsessed with bathrooms, so even if you're blind and deaf, the braille edition of these minutes should make that clear.
The Kleptocracy showed some signs of weakening as Ms. Myers survived a vote of no confidence by a mere fourteen votes.
Mr. Hansen then asked who owns him? Well, him. He presented BIR, there should be no legal obstacles against a free agent selling himself into slavery.
Mr. Dowell said that your duties to America come before your rights to yourself and that you cannot be a slave unless you renounce your citizenship. Mr. Theiss asked what would happen to the children of said slaves, and said that you can do more good free than as a slave. Mr. Ballard gave a drunken speech in which he propositioned a member of the society and said that the weakest and most helpless will be the most affected. Mr. Misztal said it is important to distinguish between property rights and human rights, and that we can't take inherent and inalienable rights away from ourselves. Mr. Richards said that smart people wont sell themselves into slavery. MS. Davis said that slavery is selling, not renting, and individualism goes to die in slavery. Mr. Miller said that at this moment, right now, someone is committing suicide and selling your body is a choice. The question was called and failed zero to 11 for members, zero to 2 for guests, and zero to 1 for Mr. Duffy. Mr. Theiss noted he was pleased that the society had finally taken a stand against slavery.
Mr. Duffy then rose to say he knows a lot of porn stars, if you know what I mean. Jenna Jameson is a role model who has done extraordinary things. Ergo,
BIR, Jenna Jameson is the greatest role model any young female could have.
Mr. Theiss said that she's a semi-functioning human being with a lot of money, and that being rich is not a good criterion for a role model. Mr. Miller said that role models can have their flaws too, and that Paris Hilton is even worse. Mr. P. Weiss said he doesn't know a lot about her work, but being the best is always good, plus she has names that are similar to his. Ms. Bernhard said that opera would make a better role model, but that Jenna does have great porn acting skills. Mr. Misztal said that the porn industry is like the drug dealing industry or the sports industry, and the best rise to the top of the pyramid. Mr. Chiego said that pornstars mutilate the most sacred of human acts, i.e. Sex. Mr. Hansen called us hypocrites because we love porn but hate pornographers. Mr. Furr said emulating role models can have a huge effect on your life course. The question was called and fialed four to eight among members, one to one among alumni, and one to one among guests.
Mr. Morgan then presented
BIR, Jack Bauer could kill anyone.
Mr. Dowell said he wasn't as rad as Chuck Norris, then there was a friendly amendment added saying that Jack Bauer could kill chuck norris. Then there was a vote in which the resolution passed five to three among members, failed nothing to one among alumni and nothing to one among guests, while Mr. Duffy abstained because he does not believe in incest.
Mr. Furr then presented a resolution on behalf of Mr. Head:
BIR, Rick and Roll will never die, hey hey, my my,
however, on the card someone wrote Hearby, so someone needs to either tell Mr. Head or Mr. Furr why we don't do that anymore.
Mr. Dowell then subjected us to a horribly off key melody leading to his ejection. Mr. P. Weiss recounted a bunch of stuff that had no relevance to his speech. Ms. Crawford said rock and roll as referenced in the resolution is dead and that it can only be found in cheezy fifties resturants. Mr. Steinberg loves him some jelly beans and then we ejected him. The question was called and passed eleven to four among members while failing one to one among alumni and one to one among guests.
At this point Ms. Pearl lead the Demosthenian Liberation Front and a battle ensued. The only one left standing was Ms. Servidio, who detailed her experiences and critics report with Urban Hieroglyphs. |
University of Georgia 