In the twilight of my college career, I've learned that being a jerk is, well, pretty awesome. I wish i'd started in earnest sooner. Of late, here are my exploits:
In the hallway, a perfect stranger turned to me and said, “Hello!” I relished the opportunity to do something I've wanted to do for the past three years when I turned back and asked, “Who the hell are you?!”
In the last few weeks I encountered the notorious Jazzy Jay, homeless rapper extraordinare downtown. After performing one of his classic jams for me, including the timeless line, “Gonna put a baby in your belly.” he asked my entourage what we thought. “Well,” I said, “Nothing personal, but I want my money back.”
“Huh? You didn't give me any money.”
“Well then, I guess we're even.”
Last but not least, probably the most annoying people alive in Athens today are the Tate center preachers. Between the shouting at the top of their lungs, the signs lovingly crafted with a sixth grade reading level, and the enormous crowds generated by their sheer ignorance, I felt it was time to do something from the heart, so to speak.
“Sir, do you have a moment?” I asked. He nodded his head, to which I continued, “In that case, die in a fire.”
So then, the minutes for the sixth of April, two thousand and six.
We had three first time guests and 1 returning guest. Mr. Will Broach delivered a maiden address about idiots and where they come from. Namely, television.
He suggested that we regulate it to those over the age of twenty one. After being accepted into membership, we moved into the magic that is oration declamation.
Mr. Williamson delivered an oration about natural law and the inseparability thesis.
Mr. Misztal delivered a speech on love, lust, infatuation, and disease.
Mr. Ballard gave an oration about Georgia and poverty within it.
Right now, in the past, Mr. Dowell is giving a speech about time travel.
Mr. Pearl gave an oration about where life begins, hearkening all the way back to when he was but a twinkle in his father's underpants.
Ms. Buhlig gave an oration about smart people and how most people aren't, especially where she works.
Ms. Barnett spoke to us of what poetry is. Clearly, not everything.
Ms. Bernhard told us of when she was forced to kill her pet watermelon, having become rabid. She also learned to use a shotgun.
Ms. Hoekstra spoke of the connection between conversation and physical contact. Maybe words can't solve everything, but perhaps a hug can.
Mr. Theiss spoke of persecution and the choices we make as a society with regards to religion.
Mr. D. Weiss read a letter to the PK's and revealed their true name. Apparently they are an S&M club.
Ms. Koval read to us two compositions: Sunday morning wake-up call, and Saturday night sugar, about her experiences as a pharmacist.
Mr. P. Weiss devised a shopping list. He still needs toilet paper.
We then moved into the declamation portion of our evening.
Mr. Williamson gave a declamation from a legal realist entitled “The Bramble Bush.”
Mr. Hansen read a speech about Suria.
Mr. Dowell sang to us. I became depressed.
Mr. Richards gave a declamation that broke it down.
Mr. Darsie gave a speech by William Faulkner.
Ms Wilkinson gave a speech from the temperance era.
Ms. Prabahkar read some poems about a metaphorical lamb.
Ms. Herschman read Atticus Finch's speech to the jury from “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
Mr. Morgan read from the onion anticipating the Gilette five blade future.
Ms. Bernhard read of books and just how friendly you can get with them, although preferably not so friendly you set them on fire.
Mr. Theiss gave the Patton speech.
Mr. P Weiss delivered a song by an Irish Jerk.
Ms. Koval read from Fear of Flying, by Bricka Chung.
Ms. Johnson read from John Irving.
Ms. Hoekstra gave a declamation about her skirt, and about how she is not a hooker.
Mr. D Weiss read to us from the Dillinger Four. Punk much?
Mr. Misztal read to us the speech of the president just in case the moon landing went horribly wrong. I guess the sound stage was dangerous.
Ms. Smith read to us from a short story by Chuck Palahniuk. It was hot.
Mr. Ballard talked about Bollywood and spoke from Pride and Prejudice as a foreigner.
Reality briefly ceased.
Ms. Crawford gave a speech directed to soldiers entering Iraq during WWII from A short guide to Iraq.
Ms. Servidio read us a speech regarding fighting against Britain at independence.
We then adjourned subject to Ms. Servidio's critics report. |
University of Georgia 