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Demosthenians, this summer you told me wonderful tales of your adventurous vacations and studies abroad. Be thankful someone as vigilant as I paid attention to the news while many of you enjoyed exotic locales.
I would like to inform you of an appalling story that involves one of the most horrendous violations of copyright law in American history. While all of you were enjoying the jet set way of life, two musicians held their own against the unstoppable force of a popular comedian. I stumbled across the article on cnn.com, and did extensive research on what went down, so you wouldn’t have to do it.
You see, while you Demosthenians were cruising around the world, dirtbag comedian Owen Wilson starred in the movie ‘You, Me, and Dupree’, featuring him crashing on his best friend’s couch and being totally obnoxious. It just so happens that the prolific 70s yacht rock band Steely Dan had a song entitled ‘Cousin Dupree’ that appeared on their 2001 comeback album, Two Against Nature. It also just so happens that this song features a dude who crashes on his aunt’s couch for an extended period of time. Obviously, Steely’s only recourse was to write a very angry letter.
So on a day off from their tour at the Residential Suites at Longworth in Corpus Christi, Texas, they wrote this very angry letter to Luke Wilson, asking him to set his ‘bro straight. They informed him of how ‘uncool’ this whole situation was; especially given the fact that both Luke and Owen have taken some ‘pretty bogus parts in bad movies sometimes.’ They let Luke know that that the writers of the movie didn’t even send them a muffin basket or any free merchandise. They then clarified their thoughts on the movie, saying that it was a ‘pathetic, way-unfunny debacle’. All they wanted was for Owen to come to their concert and apologize to the fans, who I’m sure were very upset about this. They even told him he could bring his bongos and party with the band. If Owen chose not to show to apologize, though, they promised to rain their ultimate rage upon him, in the form of an ‘extremely retrograde reality matrix with his whole sellout moviestar game with some righteous dues to pay, amen’. Not only did they threaten him with legal action, but also with a dude ‘who’s like a navy seal, but russian’, who will ‘do something unspeakable to him with his bare hands.’ But they don’t want to create bad blood. They told Luke that upon Owen’s apology, they would load him up with some ‘groovy new tees and hoodies, perhaps a keyring’. They indicated in the postscript that they incorrectly assumed that Owen was the younger, but wikipedia set them straight.
In situations like these, we must think first of the preservation of intellectual property. Steely Dan was done a great wrong with the release of such a cliché, mediocre film that stole the concept from one of their songs. America and the world must work to make sure that something similar does not happen to other great artists. It is so sad that we will never be able to respect ‘You, Me, and Dupree’ as a classic because of this scandal…
…but at least tomorrow we will have Snakes on a Plane.
The meeting was called to order sometime around 7. During committee reports, Mr. Theiss accused various Demosthenians of being scalawags, carpetbaggers, communists, prostitutes, and, worst of all, pacifists…Miss Myers was appointed critic, and we moved into programs, where several Demosthenians expressed their heartfelt farewells.
Mr. Butt, in his sophomoric clumsiness, chose to discuss how he abhors women reaching elevated levels of responsibility in the workplace, among other stations in life. He cited an issue of The Economist that he had found downstairs in the library about 5 minutes before giving his speech.
Miss Hoekstra promises to give back to the society by establishing a recycling program for the hall. She affirmed that we have helped her greatly improved her speaking skills and passed the ‘quiet girl’ key to Miss Barnett. She also gave mad props to Miss Johnson and Miss Wilkinson.
Mr. Burkhart regaled us with the story of his passing from high school into college and how he met a few Demosthenians before he reached the University. He thought that we were nerds, but decided to join when a few other student organizations didn’t suit his fancy. He advised us to each seek a greater understanding of ourselves, and then passed the Scottish key for sheep, profanity, and violence to sheep to Mr. Dowell. He also contributed a Vonnegut novel.
Miss Pearl began by donating the books Elements of Style, Fascism, All the King’s Men, and 100 Years of Solitude to the society, each with a strong recommendation. She expressed how the society has helped her improve her speaking, and encouraged the rest of us to take risks and to not take ourselves so seriously. She presented the ‘getting to know you’ key to Mr. Darsie, and the ‘please come back’ key to Mr. Richards, who will be abroad this semester. She also presented the ‘some key Billy Miller gave me and I don’t know why’ key to Miss Brown, the ‘logic’ key to Miss Barnett, and the ‘integrity’ key to Mr. Miller.
Mr. Mizstal had a box of stuff to present us with, but not until after he spoke for how Demosthenian improved his speaking, which was especially helpful for his thesis defense. He first came to demosthenian in response to an angry atheists flyer that he came across while joint enrolled. He advised us to have a welcoming feel to us, gave some advice about dating within the society, discouraged favoritism, and commented on resolution writing and meeting behavior, the diplomacy game, and how to get good professors and exploring various offerings at the University. He also let us know that rivalry with the clove smokers from across the way is somewhat beneficial. He donated Frisbees, country music, and some books. He presented the ‘your failures are greater than others’ successes’ key to Mr. Ballard, the ‘economic arguments’ key to Mr. Chiego, the ‘polish person’ key to Miss. Bernhard, and the ‘develop potential’ key to Miss Hirschman. He also gave Miss Smith the ‘messy breakup key’, which she promptly cashed in at the beginning of July.
Mr. Theiss presented us the book ‘we did nothing’ about the failures of the United Nations. He then presented the ‘golden god’ key to Miss Bernhard, although Ballard insisted on rightful ownership. He presented the ‘red key’ for compassionate conservatives to Mr. Williamson, the ‘PR key’ to Miss Wilkinson and the ‘life of Brian mistaken messiah’ key to Mr. Hansen. Miss Brown received the ‘somebody needs a hug’ key, Mr. Chiego got the ‘nice guy’ key, and Mr. Ballard got the ‘crazy devotion’ key. Miss Barnett earned the ‘pimpin purple dye’ key, Miss Keyes-Blumer received the ‘shit never gets done’ key, Mr. Darsie and Mr. Pearl were passed the ‘Key of Justice’, Miss Shah got the ‘don’t lose touch’ key, Mr Dowell was given the ’85 percent’ key, Miss Smith was given the ‘broken home’ key, and Miss Buhlig was given the ‘growing’ key. Mr. Theiss then expressed that he felt as if he was moving one step closer to death, then detailed how everyone has to die for society to progress, and that we should value the time limit that death provides by spending quality time with one another.
Miss Crawford told us about how she had wanted to debate since high school, but how she was really interested in Demosthenian because of a particularly caustic resolution she heard Mr. Addison present. She presented the society with ‘The Orgasm Book’, ‘The Blue Jazz,’ ‘Walk Two Moons’, ‘The Big Bang’, ‘Till We Have Faces’, and ‘She Walks These Hills’. She encouraged us to read the Red and Black and to know our heritage. She then presented the ‘unsung heroes’ key to Miss Myers, the ‘transfer’ key to Mr. Hansen, and the ‘Steel Magnolias’ key to Miss Bernhard.
Miss Prabakar spoke about improving competence and suggested that we focus less on rhetoric and more on debate quality. She advised against allowing rivalries to damage friendships and ego-tripping. She presented the society with a copy of the Bible. She passed the ‘treasurer/hall administrator’ key to Miss Bernhard, the ‘Occasionally surprising political views’ key to Mr. Ballard, the ‘socialist’ key to Mr. Richards, and the ‘german enthusiast’ key to Mr. Weiss (the small one).
Mr Moulds told us how his friend warned him to avoid the emo kids across the way because they are, quote, ‘batshit crazy’. He advised us to not take everything so seriously, and regaled us with tales of debauchery of societies past.. He presented the society with the book ‘Secession Debated’, and then expressed the value of debate skills to cultivate for other applications. He presented Mr. Ballard with the ‘ex president’ key, Mr. Williamson with the ‘chief justice’ key, Mr. Steinburg with the ‘sports’ key, the ‘freshman speaker’ key to Mr. Chiego, and the ‘someone I admire who I want to strangle’ key to Mr. Richards.
Mr Vick donated comic books and ‘Killing the Buddha’ to the society’s library. He then told of how inaccessible the older members of Demosthenian were when he was a new member because they were tall. He told us a fairy tale in which Demosthenians used to eat ice cream and smoke cigars in the upper chamber during meetings, then discussed how we should make the best time of our lives ahead of us and to not believe those who tell us that the future should be frightening. He presented the ‘if I could be someone else’ key to Mr. little Weiss, they ‘I don’t really know your politics’ key to Mr. Pearl,. The ‘don’t waste time’ key to Miss Brown, and the ‘done right’ key to Mr Dowell.
By this time exhausted, we moved into old business, then new business, then the wonderfully brief critic’s report. The meeting was adjourned at 12:00AM.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
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University of Georgia 