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Ever since I moved back to Athens from New Jersey about a year
ago, I’ve had a much different view of the South from before
I left Athens in the first place. Although I spent a good part
of my life visiting my relatives in the DC area, which I’d like
to think makes me more of a northerner than anything else, only
in New Jersey and New York did I learn how to grasp fashion
better than any episode of Project Runway could facilitate.
I’m not saying that the South is aesthetically backwards or
anything, but I do notice a higher instance of mom jeans, excessive
makeup, and fake designer bags in Georgia than I encountered
while above the Mason-Dixon Line. Since being back and developing
this perceived sense of fashion superiority towards Georgia
women, I’ve gotten a lot of nasty glares after proclaiming that
a passer by’s bag is fake to a friend in a public place.
So I’ve been thinking of my view of the south in the context
of last week’s debate about Sherman’s march. Ever since before
the Civil War, the north and the south have found reasons to
hate on each other: they with their industry and their blue
collar factories, and us with our pickup trucks, alcoholism,
and confederate flags. Today, that translates into academic,
artistic, musical, and fashion oriented differences. In the
midst of my musings on this divisive thought, a single event
brought my negative karma for all of those handbags I’ve made
fun of full circle.
As some of you well know, I’m recovering from a pretty awful
sinus infection. Tuesday I went to the doctor to see if they
could help me with it. Miss Koval drove out to the middle of
nowhere because I refuse to go to the health center for my own
reasons. What we saw in that office was an interesting cross
section of southern life, complete with hypochondriac Blanche
DuBois types. My nurse was your typical southern nurse, hard
traveled and firm, with an excessive amount of eye makeup. While
she was taking my blood pressure, I noticed that her name was
Chastity. My visit culminated in being sentenced to getting
a shot of steroids to diminish the swelling of my sinuses. I
rolled up my sleeve, prepared for the prick, and was informed
to change positions, after which time the genteel southern Nurse
Chastity nailed me in the pretentious, disdainful, faux northern
lower hip with a very sharp needle. The resulting pain was worse
than being in a room of 10 million horrendously fake Louis Vuitton
bags.
The meeting was called to order a little after 7, and Mr. Ballard
was appointed critic. There were 25 newcomers, and 14 returning
guests. Apparently we’re doing something right. In Committee
reports, Miss Bernhard talked about fixing chairs and admitted
that it is allowable for the College Republicans to rent the
hall, but not if I have anything to do about it. Miss Buhlig
reminded us of the now ill fated street painting and the student
activity fair, Mr. Darsie presented President Weiss with a trophy,
reminding him that he will always be 3rd place, Miss Keyes-Blumer
told of Toombs trips, a visit from President Adams, and Kirbo
plaques, and Mr. Dowell was talking about that dastardly unaffiliated
party that went down last week.
In new business, Mr. Chiego rose and gave the resolution,
Be it Resolved, Sherman’s march was ultimately
good for Georgia.
He cited that we have demonized Sherman and romanticized the
Civil War. He claims that Sherman successfully eliminated resistance
by destroying everything in sight.
Mr. Broach rose and made fun of his own accent. He brought
attention to the fact that citizens were part of Sherman’s causalities,
and how fried chicken eaters are vilified when it comes to common
perception of the war. He then compared the idea of destroying
the country through its people to castration.
Mr. Williamson cited Uncle Tom’s Cabin as an example of a good
picture of the war and its actual causalities. He questioned
when desperate measures are necessary to provoke political change,
and reminded us of the substantial change in the south following
desegregation.
Miss Servidio enlightened us to some Vermont history, and expressed
her utmost admiration for Sherman’s march pattern. She accused
southerners of burning more of Atlanta than Sherman did, at
which time Mr. Ballard rose to inform her that his great great
great, etc, grandmother was shot in the knee by Sherman.
Miss Keyes-Blumer talked about urban sprawl, which is mostly
from Northerners. The majority of people in the south are not
actually rural. She affirmed that Sherman’s march was not a
good thing.
Mr. Hansen brought up how Sherman was responsible for the demise
of several Native American cultures, including the Cherokee.
We owe them a debt of gratitude for also fighting for our land.
Mr. P. Weiss spoke from an economic perspective, saying that
if Sherman burned down schools, then that was why we are 49th
in education. He mentioned that to make a more perfect union,
we should try to mend things, not destroy them
Miss Meek thinks the north sucks. They did not step in when
necessary for reconstruction.
Miss Johnson said that we can never say that atrocity is good.
She then postulated on why southern literature is almost deemed
as its own genre.
A guest rose and stated that the southern states were merely
fighting for their rights.
Mr. Ballard informed us that the South will rise again, and
then regaled us with a story of epic Ballard glory. In the style
of William Wallace and his vagabond troops, the Ballards of
the Civil war fought Sherman’s troops from their land with pitchforks
and stones. He concluded that Sherman’s march forced the South
to submit, and that the current South was not complete until
the passage of the Voting Rights Act.
A guest rose and said that there was no compelling argument
for the resolution. The outcome does not make the actions right.
Miss Buhlig threw some ‘big ups’ to her hometown of St. Louis,
home of General Sherman himself, and Nelly. Her family believed
he was great, but told her to keep it under wraps when she moved
to Georgia. She informed us that conflict breeds unity, and
without Sherman’s march, there would be no great legacy of SEC
football, and even worse, a complete lack of tailgating as we
know it.
Mr. Morgan gloated that Savannah was not burned down because
it is better than Atlanta, which he sees as the ashtray of the
South. He says that we should burn Atlanta, especially Georgia
Tech.
Mr Miller warned us that he was going to get all existential,
and then started talking about Red Alert: Command and Conquer.
He mentioned a documentary that presents the hypothetical ‘what
if the south won the war’ scenario, and then said that those
who favor the resolution have history behind them. Those that
don’t reside in alternate dimensions.
A guest rose and presented the idea that the Civil War was
not against slavery, but to keep our country together. Sherman’s
march was necessary to do this, and he should be regarded as
a patriot.
Miss Smith just wanted to let everyone know that she is definitely
of more bourgeois Southern roots than all of you Georgians are.
Sherman’s march came at a huge cost of life, but there is nothing
that we can do about that now. We must look to the tactics that
we’re currently in the war, as well as wars in our recent past.
If we look hard, we can see pillaging of a similar nature going
on overseas as we speak.
The resolution was called to question and passed 9-6 among
members, and 10-7 among guests. It is noted that Mr. Williamson
is the product of Georgia schools. Mr. Ballard noted that Robert
Toombs is rollinin his grave, and Mr. Broach informed us that
his room at his apartment has yet to join the Union.
Miss Wilkinson rose with
Be it Resolved, the President of the United
States must believe in God.
She stated that it would be in the best interest of America,
since all presidents have said that they believe in God anyways.
Mr. Hansen protested this resolution on the grounds that he
is an atheist. Statistics say that Americans find the thought
of their children marrying an atheist more daunting than their
children marrying a minority. He cited apathy as the root of
goodness, and said we must base our morality on interactions
between living things, not religion.
Mr. Dowell questioned what god we would choose to base our
leadership on. In order to remain a melting pot, we must stay
secular.
Mr. Pearl expressed his desire for empirical evidence of God
before he would accept this resolution. He asked why we would
deny office to someone who is moral. He then brought up a slippery
slope.
Miss Barnett cited lots of secular philosophies. As humans,
we have a responsibility to be kind and good to others, and
we must learn equality.
Mr. P. Weiss started waving money around and saying that because
most of America believes in God, our leader should too.
A guest rose and thankfully pointed out that ‘In God We Trust’
was added to the currency during McCarthyism. They then stated
that the president should represent Americans in a secular way.
Miss Meek pointed out that Americans wear God on their sleeves,
and to expect to move from our current leadership to an atheist
president is impossible.
A guest informed us that he practices abstinence, which is
a personal measure he takes to hold to a higher moral standard.
He said we should not force believes on others because what
is right for one person is not for everyone.
Miss Keyes-Blumer asserted that if things continue as they
are, no minority will ever be president. There should be a low
against religious beliefs being involved in political campaigns.
She then told us that no matter how many degrees we have, none
of us will ever be president because we don’t have the money.
A guest rose and announced an atheist barbeque. He said that
the worst thing America could do would be to elect an atheist
because they will destroy Christianity.
Mr. McGuire enlightened us that many Americans believe that
the Rapture will occur soon. He questioned how we can have rational
leaders if such leaders are highly concerned with the next life.
Mr. Miller stated that God will come when he chooses to come,
and that we should be morally upright in anticipation of this
event. The president should not be the one to issue divine authority.
A guest rose and questioned how many wars have been started
in the name of God. The word most used in the Bible to describe
God is ‘love’. Believing in God is not necessarily moral.
The debate was called to question and the resolution failed
among members 2-16 and 1-10 among guests. Miss Keyes-Blumer
let us know that she is not out to hate anyone.
Mr. P. Weiss rose to present a serious resolution, was nearly
ejected, then verified that he was just kidding. He spoke about
addiction, and presented,
Be it Resolved, the Trix rabbit should
be forbidden from ever having Trix, yogurt or cereal.
The resolution was amended at the suggestion of Mr. Ballard
to include that Josh P. Weiss should go to remedial school.
The Trix Rabbit is an addict that is out of control. He dresses
in trench coats and harasses kids for their cereal and yogurt,
and that’s just creepy.
Mr. Miller affirmed that the trench coats are creepy and suggested
that we send the rabbit to a methadone clinic. He proposes the
setup for a school for Josh in which Miss Smith would teach
ethics and Miss Koval would teach sex ed.
Mr. Dowell sang a song about killing and eating a rabbit. Mr.
Broach was fined for expressing his love of milk and rabbit
together; because he felt a love so strong it required an expletive.
Mr. Broach then rose to tell us about his cokehead neighbors,
who just so happened to be addicted to Trix as well. He suggested
that there must be some sort of cokehead addiction chart at
Trix to track sales.
A guest boiled it all down to racism. If the rabbit got a job,
he could buy his own Trix. We should charge him a sin tax for
his addiction.
Mr. Williamson saw the E! True Hollywood Story about the rabbit.
He revealed that the rabbit has diabetes.
A guest rose and proclaimed the rabbit as a modern day Robin
Hood. He is merely a communist trying to spread Trix evenly
among his people. He used the phrase ‘white and pure’ to describe
the rabbit, which is the first time such a phrase has been uttered
in the upper chamber since the 1800s.
Miss Koval works at a pharmacy, in case you did not know. She
believes the rabbit should get his Trix in the legal way, by
getting a prescription.
A guest said that the rabbit is anatomically imperfect. We
are starving his children by depriving them of Trix.
A guest rose and said that if the rabbit had a constant supply
of Trix, it would turn into something worse than Communism.
It would turn into him building a nuclear arsenal, much like
Kim Jong Il’s. We should incarcerate the rabbit to avoid this.
Mr Steinberg said it is humanity’s fault that the rabbit is
addicted. Sugar may be sweet, but it is a sour vein of human
existence. He was ejected, just for kicks.
The debate was called to question and the resolution passed
13-4 among members and 7-4 among guests. Mr. Dowell wanted it
noted that Mr. Williamson did the whistling thing.
At around 11:30 PM, Mr. Hansen rose to present
Be it Resolved, upon deciding to carry
a child, a woman should have an inalienable right and absolute
duty to gnaw off her choice of the father’s major appendages.
Slugs do it, why shouldn’t we?
Mr. Williamson rose in huge opposition. He admitted he’d rather
be a woman than have any of his appendages gnawed off.
Miss Smith thought this a truly divine route of retribution.
Men should sport their gnawed off stumps like a red badge of
courage.
Mr. Pearl found this to be an undue burden on men and society.
A woman may miscarry, and what happens then? A man can get prosthesis,
for anything, much to Miss Wilkinson’s chagrin.
Mr. Ballard wanted to amend the resolution to include only
China and India. It failed, and he fled.
Mr. Dowell warned us that the combination of procreating and
having prostheses would make us more robot than man, thus giving
rise to a race of cyborg ninjas, which we should all panic about.
The debate was called to question and the resolution failed
among members 5-8, 2-9 among guests. Mr. P. Weiss noted that
he abstained due to a lack of major appendages. Additions to
the no sex list were suggested for those in favor of the resolution,
but ignored because the holder of the list is in full favor
of the gnawing off of appendages.
The meeting was adjourned after midnight, subject to Mr. Ballard’s
critic’s report.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
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University of Georgia 