| Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society for September 7,
2006
I’d like to begin by saying that this monologue is in no way,
shape, or form affiliated with the Demosthenian Literary Society.
This week, I was reflecting on great triumphs of intoxication
after glancing at the Robert Toombs’ biographical video on my
kitchen table. Just wait until the rest of you see this wonderful
film. If you played a drinking game with it, even the most devout
of us would be three sheets to the wind.
This week, my second favorite contemporary author, Chuck Palahniuk,
came to speak at the Tate Center. He was pretty much as I expected,
darkly witty, and he definitely knows how to work a crowd. He
tossed rubber disembodied arms, legs, and oversized rats from
boxes that he had shipped to himself here into the audience,
just for kicks. I watched in awe as he read the terribly grotesque
story, Guts, to a sold out Georgia Hall. Two people passed out,
and several stepped out of the room. I was impressed, as no
one fainted when I read that same story here last spring. He
answered questions, and then retired to the reception hall for
a 3 ½ hour book signing. I, unfortunately was too far
back in line to myself get a book signed (and to ask him what
I should write my minutes about this week), so I handed it over
to Miss Wilkinson, who I trusted had the inside track to my
own personal autographed copy of Survivor. She was able to get
the signature and 9 mini bottles of Wild Turkey from Mr. Palahniuk
himself.
You see, he had brought 300 plastic mini bottles of liquor
to distribute to the crowd. University regulations did not allow
him to do so. These are regulations that I can truly understand,
as some hapless 18 year old freshman could have possibly ended
up with a handful of whiskey and vodka, and even more scandalously
taken them back to the dorms to share with his equally underage
hall mates. At any rate, the whiskey landed in the right hands,
and is now sitting on a windowsill like an exhibit, with a sign
on it making known who we got it from.
I emailed my father to tell him of our glorious gift, and he
had a story to share with me. My grandfather turned 75 on Monday,
which, given how many heart surgeries he’s had, is pretty impressive.
My family threw a massive barn party for him that had about
80 attendees, many of them fellow war veterans and friends from
church. They had a keg.
And those approximately 80 family members, veterans, and faithful
church goers floated that keg in that barn in that beautiful
countryside of central Virginia. And I smiled at the notion
that I had, in the span of one week, learned of and partially
experienced a couple of great legends of drinking.
The meeting was called to order around 7 with 12 newcomers and
17 returning guests. Miss Servidio was appointed critic. We
gained four new members:
Mr. O’Donnell spoke on making Japanese the official language
of the United States.
Miss Malik pondered a hypothetical absence of magical creatures
in life and encouraged us to actively use our imaginations.
Miss Turlington preemptively apologized for complaining, then
told us about her car accident and how the other people involved
are jerks.
Mr. Sharp expressed his concept of God and how he feels like
a Christian without a culture.
All were enthusiastically welcomed to the society. Congratulations!
In new business:
Mr. Darsie presented
Be it Resolved, George W. Bush should dismiss
Donald Rumsfeld.
RS Michael Darsie
Mr. Darsie said that Secretary Rumsfeld did not do what he
should have about Abu Gharib and is rude and stubborn to everyone,
including the press. He has no place in a position of power.
Mr. Pearl rose and asked what good it would do to get rid of
him. Bush would inevitably appoint someone equally as obnoxious.
Mr. McGuire pointed out that all of our leaders dismiss criticism,
and that there is no apparent plan that we could go with that
would do any better than what Rumsfeld is doing.
Mr. Williamson said that the cabinet gets shifted all of the
time because it brings out new opinions and fresher ideas. Because
of this, Rumsfeld leaving would not be unusual.
Mr. Dowell does not think that this would be a good idea. Bush
knows that Rumsfeld will do what he wants him to do. He pulled
people out of the Pentagon after the 9/11 crash. By getting
rid of Rumsfeld, he would be giving Democrats fuel for their
fire.
Mr. Addison said that everyone should focus on who the next
Secretary of Defense will be. This way, the government will
make no progression on other issues.
President Weiss insisted that Rumsfeld can not continue shirking
his duty and should be removed.
The debate was called to question and failed among members
6-8 and among guests 4-9.
Mr. Williamson rose and presented:
Be it Resolved, Georgia should recognize
and encourage sustainable agriculture.
RS Matt Williamson
In his experience as a ‘pseudovegetarian,’ Mr. Williamson found
out that big juicy things tear up his stomach. He said that
we all should be suspicious of where our food comes from and
support the sustainable agriculture movement.
Mr. Addison rose and indicated that people’s morals are not
so high that they would pay so much more for food from sustainable
agriculture. Supporting this resolution is supporting hippies.
Miss Barnett spoke from the perspective of a farming family.
One of her friends who grew up on a family farm was completely
horrified by how commercial farms treat their animals.
Mr. Hansen stated that we should use the system that we have
in place, although he is not in favor of it. Researchers are
currently working to find systems of farming that minimize harm,
but in order to do this now we would have to increase land used
for agriculture and man hours substantially.
Miss Meek was once a vegetarian, but no longer is because she
was exiled to the south by her father. Cruelty to animals is
largely an illusion created by PETA. In the long run, sustainable
agriculture will maximize our land space, which would otherwise
be lost to sprawl.
Mr. Steinberg once took a class about food and power. Chickens
don’t need to be free range because they do not walk down the
street. Roosters, however, do. Land is money and should be used
as such.
The debate was called to question and the resolution passed
10-7 among members and failed 2-6 among guests.
Mr. Dowell abstained because he does not care what hick Georgians
do. Mr. Addison noted that those in favor of this resolution
are Birkenstock wearing pot smoking hippies. Mr. Hansen pointed
out that Birkenstocks are made out of leather, and real hippies
wear tevas.
Mr. Broach approached the lectern and started talking about
how members of a prestigious literary society should not smear
their boogers on the bathroom wall. He was ejected, and so was
Mr. Addison, for some reason.
Mr. P. Weiss rose and presented:
BIR, If time travel to 1909 was possible,
I would not kill Hitler.
RS Josh P. Weiss
He spoke about the possibility of meeting a young artist named
Adolf at a bar and having the opportunity to stop the future
Holocaust in its tracks.
Mr. Dowell said that he would not kill Hitler, but rather buy
some of his paintings. If Hitler’s self esteem was bolstered
by an interested buyer, he may be deterred from becoming Der
Fuhrer.
A guest stated that he would kill Adolf. Anyone would have
a moral obligation to kill Hitler.
Miss Smith rose and said that history should take its course,
since killing Hitler may enable another dictator to become more
powerful without the Nazi competition for world domination.
Miss Malik stated that the atrocities that occurred under Hitler
would not happen if he were dead, and we should kill him to
prevent them.
Mr. Miller suggested that instead of killing Adolf, we bring
him to the United States, where we could use his talents to
better ends.
Miss Herschman would not let Hitler live because of all of
the horrible things that he did.
Mr. Morgan would kill Hitler because it would preemptively
stop a genocide.
Mr. McGuire suggested to kill or not to kill, that was the
question. The method of time travel was irrelevant. He suggested
some positive and negative consequences of killing Hitler, a
positive one being the existence of Israel.
Mr. Miller asked if we should kill Christ since so many wars
have been fought in his name. Miss Wilkinson reminded him that
someone has already taken care of that.
Mr. Pearl would not kill Hitler because then his family would
not have moved to America. We gained much medical knowledge
from Hitler’s medical experience, and America asserted their
status as a superpower in World War II.
The debate was called to question and failed 7-10 among members
and tied 3-3 among guests.
Mr. Broach reminded us that just because you don’t talk about
boogers doesn’t mean that they are not there.
Mr. Dowell rose and presented:
BIR, The DLS should finance Stephen Dowell
in his quest to destroy the other Classics/Mathematics majors.
RS. The One, Stephen B. Dowell III
He let us know that he was one of three Classics and Math majors
to ever exist at the University, but that he should be the only
one.
Mr. P. Weiss pointed out that all Classics and Math majors
should be wiped out.
The debate was called to question and the resolution failed
4-12 among members and 0-4 among guests.
Mr. Sharp noted that Highlander is the best worst movie ever.
The meeting was adjourned subject to Miss Servidio’s critic’s
report in plus minus format.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
|
University of Georgia 