| We left our heroes Robert Toombs and Crawford Long in a phone
booth with Steve Dowell, en route to the early 1980s.
The time machine came crashing down in the middle of the North
Campus quad. Toombs took a swig from his flask and grumbled
unintelligibly at the windowless brick building. The trio headed
into Demosthenian Hall.
Now, you may be wondering how the time travelers blended in
with the Demosthenians of the 1980s. I will have you know that
peculiar dress is somewhat a tradition in this organization.
They chatted it up with the members, and then Toombs pulled
Dowell aside.
“What is our mission, Mr. Dowell? The society appears to be
functioning at a commendable capacity,”
Mr. Dowell lowered his voice to a whisper, “You see that man
over there?” He motioned to a finely clad but smarmy man with
dark hair and a ridiculously sleazy smile. He appeared to not
surpass the age of 13. “Mr. Toombs, you must prevent this man,
Ralph Reed, from joining tonight. This will be his second attempt,
and you must bend the will of the members to humiliate him so
much that he will not return to this hall.”
Toombs took about 2 or 3 swigs from his flask and pondered
this mission. He considered his perception of Demosthenian,
and then searched the childish man’s face for any sign of compassion.
Seeing none, he decided that taking preventative measures would
be necessary.
As the house was being called, Crawford stumbled up the stairs
having sampled the finest of contemporary downtown Athens. Toombs
knew that he would not be helpful of executing his solution.
He poured himself a shot and headed upstairs.
During the debate on the petitioner, Toombs took the floor
as an alumnus. The members listened to an enthralling speech
about how in the future, Ralph Reed would damage the credibility
of the Society. The members, thinking Toombs was a kook, voted
him in anyways.
As Mr. Reed climbed the stairs to the upper chamber, delighted
at being a new member, he caught the steely gaze of the more-than-tipsy
Toombs. As Reed stepped through the parted doors, Toombs paused,
mid-clap, and hurled his still partially full flask at him.
Reed was clocked in the forehead, then fell to the floor. He
began to mumble something about a plot for a casino scandal,
then Crawford Long stood over him with a wet rag, placing it
over his nose and mouth. Reed completely passed out, and when
he woke up, he was barred from membership for doing drugs in
the upper chamber and divulging his evil scheme.
Mr. Dowell profusely thanked the two heroes and after returning
to 2006, wished them luck on their journey back to the 1800s.
Their instructions were to burn the phone booth, so as not to
be conspicuous.
As they departed, Long handed Dowell and rag soaked in ether.
Dowell accepted unconditionally, because there is nothing more
awesome than a man in the depths of an ether binge.
The meeting was called to order around 7, and Mr. Hansen was
appointed critic. There were 6 newcomers and 11 returning guests.
In programs, President Adams rose and presented:
BIR: The Electoral College should be abolished and the President
of the United States should be elected by popular vote.
RS Michael Adams
He indicated that we would have a different President now if
we used this system, and also that this resolution would allow
territories to vote.
Mr Dowell spoke in favor of the Electoral College, and that
many times direct democracy has failed. He was interrupted by
the sound of a helicopter flying over, which curiously occurred
shortly after President Adams left. Dowell finished by stating
that we are a democratic republic.
Mr. Williamson claimed that the Electoral College has never
failed in its function. Changing how we calculate votes will
not eliminate fraud.
Mr. Addison said that the Electoral College is essential with
moderation of the system. If we use a direct democracy, the
cities with the largest populations would determine the Presidency.
Our current system offers stability.
Mr. Ballard pointed out that this resolution undermines the
basis for democracy. With the Electoral College, we avoid large
scale debacles in vote counting.
Miss Keyes-Blumer said that the current system is not proportional,
but getting rid of the current system will not change anything.
Mr. Broach pointed out that the vast majority of electors do
elect by popular vote. Most people are too stupid to vote, and
our society depends on the moderation and compromise that the
Electoral College provides. He also thinks that an intellectual
oligarchy would be awesome.
Mr. McGuire indicated that he has never seen such contempt
for democracy. Our current voting systems are insecure, and
if we can use high technology to protect machines like ATMs,
this same technology could be applied to voting.
A guest expressed their view that America is an anti-intellectual
country and that people will vote for those that they know,
regardless of what system they use.
Mr. P. Weiss said that the original intellectuals established
a ‘we the people’ precedent, and we should abide by that.
The debate was called to question and passed among members
12-8 and failed among guests 8-18. It was noted that President
Adams did not stay to hear his own debate. Mr. Broach abstained
because he is too stupid to make informed decisions.
After programs, we moved into petitions for membership. We
gained two new members:
Mr. Brettschneider once got hit by a vehicle while on his bike.
He explained the relative ‘squishy factor,’ in which he placed
pedestrians next to snails in relative squishiness. He also
explained that Chuck Norris has a superior immunity to squishiness.
Miss Pasmanick presented her abstract for a sociology paper
that she presented at Emory. She went on to explain why we don’t
have Jetson cars, one of the reasons being that all of the poor
people would still be on the ground. She continued by telling
us that octopi and spiders are aliens that wait in the ocean.
They are complete opposites of each other, even though they
may not seem as such.
Both were heartily welcomed to the Society.
In new business, Mr. P Weiss rose and presented:
BIR: There is no such thing as a selfless
act.
RS Josh P. Weiss
He claimed that we do generous things because they make us feel
good or boost our resumes.
Mr. Pearl disagreed with this, citing that soldiers unselfishly
give their lives for little or no thanks.
Mr. Sharp also disagreed, saying that if we were not able to
be selfless, then we would cease to be human.
A guest rose and said that it is innate to seek satisfaction
through what we do.
President Weiss wasn’t feeling well, and stepped down for the
evening.
Mr. Williamson started a disagreement among the classics majors
while telling a story from Plato’s Republic. The moral of the
story was that humans seek gratification in everything that
they do.
Miss Buhlig said that there is a degree of satisfaction that
we get when performing what is deemed a selfless act. She feels
regret at paying mind to her own self interest while working
with Americorps.
A guest once took the hit for his friend during a knife fight.
It is human nature to perform selfless acts when faced with
a split second decision.
Another guest rose and stated that reaction is not a decision,
and that few things are done without some form of self interest.
Miss Herschman stated that if given more time to consider split
second decisions, self interest would come into play and a decision
might reverse itself.
Miss Wilkinson stepped off the bench, thus facilitating the
Dowell reign of terror. She told a story of her grandfather,
who was somewhat racist. In the Korean War, an African American
soldier jumped on a grenade to save her grandfather, which was
obviously a selfless act, given that they were constantly at
odds.
Miss Barnett said that it should be a reflex to be selfless.
Mr. Williams informed us that humans are driven by psychology.
Everything we do makes us feel good in some way. It is amazing
that some people can overcome this and perform truly selfless
acts.
The debate was called to question and passed 9-8 in the third
tiebreaker of the semester among members, and failed 5-3 among
guests.
Mr. Williamson presented:
BIR: ________________ is the best superpower.
RS Matt Williamson
He chose flying, because it is sexy.
Mr. P. Weiss would like mind control to be his superpower.
This would allow him to more easily sell the paper.
Mr. Dowell admires Aquaman’s superpowers, and would like to
breathe underwater and communicate with fish.
Miss Barnett would like to read minds to detect lies, and because
people think funny things.
Miss Smith would like the ability to attract only those members
of the opposite sex that she likes, thus eliminating her clingy
ex boyfriend problem.
Mr. Ballard chose teleportation as his superpower.
A guest would like to be a living ghost, which would allow
for powers of flying and invisibility.
Miss Youngblood wants the power of time travel.
A guest expressed his desire for complete mastery of the dark
side of the force.
Another guest would like the ability to point to anything you
want to get done, I. E. the magic finger power.
Mr. Sharp would like the power of super memory.
The debate was called to question and there was a tie between
the magic finger and the Dark Side. Mr. Broach imagined a green,
glowing magic finger, and proceeded to laugh for approximately
10 minutes straight.
It was noted that the kid with the heart power from Captain
Planet sucks.
The meeting was adjourned, subject to Mr. Hansen’s critic’s
report.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
|
University of Georgia 