| I have often wondered many things. I have not, however, often
wondered of what I would do if Athens was pillaged by killer
bees.
When I picked up a copy of the Red and Black this morning,
I was met with a startling picture showing said bees swarming
from Mexico directly towards my beloved Arches in Athens. I
carefully considered for the rest of the afternoon what I would
do if I was faced with these angry Mexican bees. The article
said to run, which I haven’t done in years. I decided that I
should make a plan to shield myself from the creatures to start
with, thus eliminating the chance for any dangerous encounters.
I first thought that I would need a place to go that is within
walking distance of everything, so that I can sneak out in the
cover of night to get nourishment and to somehow continue to
make an income. This place would have to be comfortable, yet
utilitarian. This place is obviously Demosthenian Hall.
I then thought that I should have a plan in case the world
ends due to killer bees. I would have to stockpile massive quantities
of food and alcohol in the upper chamber so that I would be
able to survive until the entire human race was eliminated and
the bees had to turn to cannibalism to survive.
If the entire human race is destroyed, then I would naturally
have to seek a mate with whom to repopulate the Earth. After
careful consideration of available male specimens in Athens,
I decided it would be much nobler to die and to allow the bees
to inherit the Earth. It’s called natural selection, guys.
The meeting was called to order and 7, and Mr. Brettschneider
was appointed critic. There were 10 first time guests and 11
returners.
We gained one new member, Mr. Weeks, who let us know that he
had decided against attempting the longest maiden address in
the history of the Society. He told us a touching story about
his father’s death, and how we should all consider what will
happen with the memories of deceased loved ones. He was gladly
welcomed to the Society.
In committee reports, Mr. Williamson showed us the flyer from
the Society across the way. It had upside down writing in it.
Miss Keyes-Blumer announced the Toombs Trip, sadly for the
last time, and we moved into Programs.
We all moved a little downward in our seats as the first participant
went to draw for the Hat Debate.
Miss Keyes-Blumer spoke about her personal views on religion
and presented:
BIR President Bush receives divine guidance from God.
Mr. Dowell presented:
BIR The Hitler mustache was unduly made taboo by society at
large and therefore should be brought back into fashion.
Miss Servidio drew:
BIR Steve Dowell is Robert Toombs incarnate,
…Ironically just after Steve left the building.
Mr. Pearl presented:
BIR Ninety percent of male fetuses should be aborted.
He was jeered at, then put on the no sex list.
Miss Barnett spoke on:
BIR Demosthenian should abandon Little Italy in favor of a new
post meeting hangout.
She exposed our scandalous addiction to meth pizza and told
us that it has to stop.
Miss Koval drew:
BIR Scotch should replace wine as a generic dinner drink.
It was noted that this does not include Manischewitz.
Mr. Broach talked a lot about his masturbation habits and presented:
BIR The individual right to privacy should be valued above societal
welfare.
Mr. Sharp presented:
BIR Children who grow up in a religious environment are guaranteed
better morals.
He agreed, and explained why.
Miss Malik was out of breath after she drew:
BIR The DLS should sponsor someone to go back in time; be it
also resolved that this is not a joke and that they will get
paid when they get back; be it further resolved that they must
bring their own weapon and that safety is not guaranteed. The
DLS has done this only once before.
Miss Johnson told us why:
BIR The dildo changed my life.
It especially changed her life when her boyfriend was gone for
an extended period of time.
Mr. Webber shocked us with a stream of obscenities with:
BIR Charlie the Unicorn should not have gone into Candy Mountain.
It is obviously a hide out for kidney bandits.
Mr. Morgan presented:
BIR Children born to immigrants in the US should not be granted
citizenship.
A Guest presented:
BIR There ain’t no sex like robot sex.
…because there isn’t.
Mr. Dutta spoke on:
BIR An oppressive government is better than no government.
Mr. O’Donnell presented:
BIR George Washington is overrated.
He told us that this is why Ronald Regan should be put on the
dollar bill.
Miss Turlington drew:
BIR Scientology is no less absurd than Christianity.
A Guest presented:
BIR George W. Bush is the antichrist.
Mr. Brettschneider presented:
BIR Women are the bane of our existence.
He was added to the no sex list.
Miss Meyers drew:
BIR My God! What is that thing?
And promptly left the lectern.
Mr. Addison presented:
BIR The South shall rise again.
He had a very coherent plan prepared to share with us.
Mr. Weeks spoke on:
BIR Abortions make me smile.
He advised us to “Get your babies on, then get them gone.”
Mr. Hansen presented:
BIR Originality and uniqueness no longer exist.
Mr. Darise drew:
BIR A nation advanced in civilization is justified in the interest
of humanity at large in enforcing its authority upon an inferior
people.
He agreed wholeheartedly.
Mr. Chiego presented:
BIR Never let your sense of morals keep you from doing what’s
right.
Mr. Williamson discussed:
BIR The US should invade Thailand in order to restore democracy.
Miss Smith unfortunately drew:
BIR: Jerry Falwell is the sexiest man alive.
Carrot Top and Richard Simmons don’t even come close.
Miss Wilkinson laughed and presented:
BIR Boo!
Mr. D. Weiss drew:
BIR Everything in Australia is far superior to anything in America.
He then tried to convince us that Australians actually drink
Foster’s. He did not discuss the relatively superiority of Australian
drive-thrus and self checkout lines.
Mr. Ballard discussed:
BIR Tom Cruise should be put on a rocket and shot into outer
space forever.
He said we should make a movie about this, starring Tom Cruise
and David Bowie.
A guest was unfortunately humiliated by chance and presented:
BIR The University of Florida is the best school ever!
We forgave him, and he drew:
BIR (pick one) Jesus Christ, boxers or briefs?
Jesus would totally wear boxers, because he was free like that.
Another guest addressed:
BIR Friends don’t let friends carry fake designer bags.
He really thought that the vast numbers of fake Coach and Louis
Vuitton bags around Athens was completely atrocious.
An additional guest presented:
BIR UGA should abolish the family friendly tailgate zones on
gamedays.
Our last speaking guest of the night presented:
BIR The squishy factor should be taught in secondary schooling.
Mr. Steinberg was our last presenter of the night, with:
BIR North Campus squirrel hunting should satisfy the physically
education requirement.
The program was ended, and the meeting was adjourned.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
|
University of Georgia 