| The society across the way has been a thorn in our side for
many generations.
When Miss Servidio and I departed from Little Italy last week,
we noticed a collection of oddly dressed goblins walking down
the sidewalk. We figured out that these were actually the ladies
of our rival society. I was surprised by the fact that David
Bowie was not there to wrangle them all in and control them
from his MC Escher castle.
You see, there’s a lot wrong with those people over there,
but the thing that is most wrong is the fact that their girls
have no idea how to dress. We may weekly see fashion disasters
that grace our own hall, but their ill fitting skirts and mismatched
shirts, with thick glasses and poorly styled hair is far worse.
This is in addition to their intense lack of debate skills.
I am not entirely sure if their noxious body odor prevents people
from having the ability to tolerate listening to them speak,
or if their deficient logic keeps us from wanting to ever try
to follow their arguments.
Tonight is the Intersociety Meeting. THOSE people are coming
over here. Shield your eyes and plug your noses, Demosthenians.
The meeting was called to order around 7, and Mr. Williamson
was appointed critic. We had 1 new visitor, 8 returning guests,
and 1 alumna. The Chief Justice from across the way informed
us that they accepted our invitation to tonight’s intersociety
meeting.
We had 4 petitioners:
Miss Moxley spoke on the details of her life. She detailed her
journey into adulthood, from listening to Montell Williams “This
is How We Do It” in high school to her more refined current
interest in Spanish pop music on satellite radio.
Mr. Shoun spoke on beer. He told us the history of beer, which
first appeared in Mesopotamia, and described the high standards
of brewing that should be followed according to the purity law
of 1560.
Mr. O’Brien suggested that we should genetically engineer mammals
so that they all produce eggs. This way, to perform an abortion,
all we would have to do is poke holes in both ends and blow.
Also, this would allow us to make more quiche.
Mr. Vaudo talked abut motivation and the importance of forming
opinions. He warned us to fight against apathy.
All we welcomed into the Society.
It was noted that Miss Johnson is 2 legit 2 quit.
In new business,
Mr. Miller rose and presented:
BIR: It is always better to choose the
devil you don’t know than the devil you do.
RS Blake Miller.
Mr. P. Weiss advised us that if we don’t explore new options,
it would be detrimental to ourselves.
Mr. Ballard commented that it is always better to choose the
right option, and in many causes this particular quandary is
not applicable.
Miss Meek admitted that if she did not take risks, she would
have not gotten anywhere.
Mr. Chiego delighted us with his story of the all-male Deep
Springs College, which has a very select group of 26 men going
to college on a ranch. Enchanted by the prospect of going to
a place that would give him a guaranteed acceptance into an
Ivy League, he visited the campus and found Brokeback Mountain,
complete with skinny dipping and an all male dance.
Miss Pearl pointed out that the war in Iraq was the devil we
did know, and that now we are fighting a devil that we did not
expect.
Mr. Dutta said that the model is too simple, and it is never
as simple as to choose one evil or another.
Mr. Weeks expressed his distaste at the wording of the resolution,
stating that the words ‘always’ and ‘no’ make it too definitive.
The debate was called to question and the resolution failed
5-16 among members, 0-9 among guests, and passed 1-0 among alumni.
Mr. Williamson rose and presented:
Be it Hereby Resolved: Whereas the night
of All Hallows Eve is approaching, and whereas the ghosts and
spirits of old are swiftly on their way to livelihood, among
whom are the ghosts of the Damn Yankee troops, which pilfered
and plundered the South and linger to remind us of their Damn
Yankee ways of unsweetened tea and sweetened cornbread, we must
protect our hall from said unwelcome spirits, and whereas the
ghost of Robert Toombs is hearty and can defend the hall against
a few attackers at a time, against the angry horde of Damn Yankee
troops, the ghost of Robert Toombs requires some assistance
from us, the living.
Be it Further Resolved: Whereas traditions
have long been an integral part of the society, and seeing that
those traditions carry on through the years insures that the
society will have a degree of continuity, it is in the society’s
best interest to carry out traditions even if those traditions
be somewhat hazardous to the spiritual well-being.
Be it Further, Further Resolved: Whereas
the pumpkin has been empirically shown to ward off unwelcome
spirits better than any other vegetable, a committee consisting
of all new members (that is, members who have been admitted
to the society after the final Thursday meeting of October,
2005) shall be established for the purpose of carving pumpkins
to place before the hall during the Thursday meeting closest
to All Hallows Eve (October 19, 2006).
Be it Further, Further, Further Resolved:
Whereas we are a society of order, the committee aforementioned
will be chaired by the most senior new member (that is, the
member who was admitted to the society the soonest Thursday
after the final Thursday meeting of October, 2005) who will
be responsible for organizing the activities of the committee.
Be it Further, Further, Furtherly, Further Resolved:
Whereas we are a society steeped in traditions of zeal and watchfulness,
the aforementioned committee shall have the responsibility for
guarding our beloved hall and said carved pumpkins using whatever
legal tools they see fit during the meeting closest to All Hallows
Eve (October 19th, 2006)
RS Matt Williamson, Chief Justice of the Demosthenian Literary
Society
The resolution passed 26-0 among members.
Mr. Addison rose and presented:
BIR: As long as there is a death penalty,
it should be expedited and very public.
RS, Matt Addison.
Mr. Pearl said that execution should not be so publicized.
The current penal system is based on rehabilitation and rehabilitation,
and we must realize how inhumane public executions would be.
Mr. Morgan drew us in with a quote from Samuel L. Jackson.
He then said that keeping an inmate on death row for 25 years
is a parade in and of itself. Public executions would bring
the faults of the current system to light, as some may argue
that we have been disillusioned about death by its constant
presence in the media.
Mr. Vaudo urged us to think of foreign opinion. Public executions
of murderers would give other countries more reason to attack
us.
Mr. Williamson reminded us that the Constitution requires us
to use due process to give everyone a fair trial. We should
trust juries to decide guilt beyond reasonable doubt, and let
the death penalty happen with out much opposition.
Mr. Darsie gave us a quote from the great Tobias Keith, probably
about supporting the death penalty.
Mr. Miller shed some light on how prisoners enjoy themselves
in prison. He suggests that we bring back crucifixion.
Mr Weeks said that if we started hanging everyone who steals,
we could be very safe, and it would drive crime rates down.
Miss Pearl cited her Model UN experience to decide that shortening
the appeals process would circumvent the Constitution.
Mr. Dutta rose in opposition of the resolution, because the
appeals process keeps us safe.
The debate was called to question and failed 7-10 among members,
tied 4-4 among guests, and failed 0-1 among alumni.
Mr. Addison again rose and presented:
BIR: It is in fact the size of the boat.
RS, Matt Addison.
He cited the example of an aircraft carrier, such as the Ronald
Regan, carrying semen, crushing a dinghy in its wake.
Mr. Darsie said that he does not want a boat named after the
Ronald Reagan.
Miss. Smith let us know that she has two pairs of topsiders.
She then enlightened us to the fact that although the boat needs
to be well-sized, it also needs to travel at a smooth and consistent
speed for long periods of time. The perfect boat for this type
of travel is a yacht. She has not yet seen or ridden on a black
yacht, but would not be opposed to it.
Mr. Hansen said that smaller vessels are more pleasurable to
handle, while larger vessels could cause a bacterial outbreak.
A guessed stated that the speed of the boat is important.
Mr. Steinberg cited the quality of seamen as important.
Mr. Broach told us that he hasn’t taken his boat out lately,
but he does wax it frequently.
Miss Pearl noticed that those who speak most about sea-faring
have the least experience with it. She pondered why we the bodies
of water should not come first in consideration.
Mr. Brettschneider said that we must make sure that the seamen
in the boats be put to good use.
Mr. Weeks said that some boats do not come back in the condition
in which they left. Because he has sea sickness, seamen would
jump overboard before he gets into the ocean.
Miss Wilkinson subscribes to the UGA sailing club listserv.
If you want to sail frequently, you have to pay a fee. You should
not sail during a red tide.
Miss Turlington said that large boat owners think that size
is most important. Small boat owners find it more prideful to
have a quality journey and a vessel that will take multiple
voyages in a short amount of time. The yacht is the ideal vehicle
for this outcome.
Mr. O’Brien gave us some reasons not to take a boat out.
The debate was called to question and failed among members
3-11, and also among guests 1-5.
It was noticed that every female voted against resolution.
It was also noted that the men who voted against the resolution
have yachts, and that Mr. Addison has ridden the Ronald Reagan.
The meeting was adjourned subject to Mr. Williamson’s critic’s
report.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
|
University of Georgia 