| Last weekend, some Demosthenians were able to become acquainted
with members of the Dialetic and Philanthropic Societies of
UNC-Chapel Hill. Although they were in town for a competition
of some sort hosted by the Society across the way, they did
decide to grace us with their presence and bestow upon us a
gift of appreciation of interest in their society. Before I
read you the thank you letter I wrote them, I’d like to comment
that I found insane amounts of similarities in some of our members
and some of theirs, including a girl who is a dead ringer (at
least in personality) with Miss Wilkinson.
Dear Members of Di-Phi,
It was truly a pleasure getting to have lunch with you and
to show you around our Demosthenian Literary Society. We truly
enjoyed being able to commiserate with other college students
who share a similar passion. It is quite unfortunate that you
were unable to socialize with us more, as you were attending
an event sponsored by our rival society, but we assure you,
no hard feelings.
We would also like to thank you for coming to party with us.
It was great to see that other college literary societies can
hold it down as well as we can. We hope that the yacht rock
was not too troubling to your ears, and that the company was
at least somewhat enjoyable.
Lastly, we would like to extend our additional thanks for not
only the gift that you brought us at lunch, but also the overflowing
box of PBR that you generously donated to our soirée.
Hopefully we can maintain relations such that perhaps we could
host your Society at a later time for a debate program, and,
of course, a party. Some of us noticed when one of your male
members pole danced on our Fall 2006 President Josh Weiss. Such
intimate personal contact definitely contributes to an inter-collegiate
bond of friendship that should be maintained.
Again, many thanks, and thank you for keeping it real.
Sincerely,
The Demosthenian Literary Society.
The meeting was called to order around 7. There were some guests,
and Mr. Ballard was appointed critic. We had two petitioners:
Mr. Dolan spoke on his intense love of politics.
Mr. Garcia spoke about alcohol and its role in shaping history.
Both were enthusiastically welcomed to the society.
In committee reports, Miss Brown discussed the status of the
scrapbook.
In New business, Mr. Brettschneider presented
BIR: The greatest for of political activism
is conscientious electoral objection.
RS, Daniel Brettschneider.
He explained why he chooses not to vote.
Mr. Dowell spoke on how voting is the only way for the everyman
to get his point across. Although Democracy has proven somewhat
ineffective, voting is the only way that some have to express
their opinion.
Miss Herschman rose and said that although candidates are similar
to one another, it is up to us to make a choice. If you don’t
vote, you have no say in who is running our country.
Mr. Darsie said that none of our votes matter and supported
the resolution. He did, however, vote in the recent election.
Miss Moxley is of the opinion that silence is consent and not
voting is showing acceptance for current government procedures.
____________ suggested that all who do not vote should be executed
for treason. ____ did support voting, but also supported the
resolution.
Mr. Williamson rose to dissect the resolution as a student
would dissect a frog. Following the incisions, he decided that
he disagreed with the resolution.
Miss Brown, a guest, examined the resolution on her own terms,
finding that the resolution refers to candidates in specific,
and not amendments. She agreed with the resolution.
Miss Malik supported voting and the fact that it allows her
voice to be heard.
Mr. Chiego opposed the resolution, and challenged us to present
a better form of government than our current one.
Mr. Hansen supported anarchy and expressed his lack of opinion
on the resolution.
Mr. Vaudo supported the resolution, but does not want other
voters to make decisions for him.
Mr. Garcia spoke about the how the ability to logically make
choices is what sets humans above other animals.
Mr. P. Weiss talked about The Lion King for a moment, then
said that voting is irrational. He never actually stated his
position on the resolution.
The debate was called to question and the resolution failed
7-0 among members and 0-3 among guests. 12 people abstained,
which indicates that they all had an inkling that the same terrible
joke of abstention from a resolution of this nature would be
funny.
Mr. Ballard rose and spoke on the midterm elections. He then
said that Republicans are tools. After everyone gasped, he presented:
BIR: George Allen should be awarded a Brickheap
for running an inept campaign that cost his party control of
the US Senate. Be it further resolved
that the Secretary shall write Mr. Allen a letter informing
him of his honor.
RS, David Ballard
He thinks that Allen is an idiot, and told us why. His incompetence
caused the Republicans to surrender control of the Senate.
Mr. Dowell let us know of Allen’s overall political career,
because given my absence he was the only Virginian member completely
enlightened to Allen’s general stupidity. He expressed that
Allen had the edge in this election, as Webb entered late, had
less funding, and less overall popularity. Allen blew his lead
by his stupidity alone.
Mr. Chiego first saw Allen on “Meet the Press”. He explained
Iraq in football terminology. Mr. Chiego named some other Republicans
who should receive brickheaps, such as Tom DeLay and Mark Foley.
The debate was called to question and passed 22-2 among members
and 2-0 among guests. It was noted that it is a wonderful time
to be a Virginian. I gladly composed the following letter:
Dear Mr. Allen,
It is my pleasure to write to inform you that we at the University
of Georgia’s Demosthenian Literary Society, after careful deliberation,
has decided to bestow upon you the illustrious Brickheap Award.
You perhaps are wary of the clout that such an award may carry;
however, we assure you that it is with the utmost esteem that
our nearly 203 year old Society presents you with this honor.
We thought that it was completely intriguing how you were able
to lose an election against a democratic opponent who used to
work under Reagan. We watched in awe as you used a nonsensical
racial slur against an African-American law student who was
born and raised not only the United States, but also in the
original and finest state in the Union: Virginia. You even denied
the natural religion of your mother, who happens to be Jewish.
Such insecurity with your roots could be the reason that people
did not view you as strong enough to assume the role of a Senator.
Lastly, I believe that you are the only individual in Virginia
who wears cowboy boots on a daily basis. With all due respect,
sir, we can all learn from what Thumper from Bambi said: ‘If
you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’.
Myself a native Virginian, I would like to extend my earnest
apology that you were unable to represent the state that you
hold so dearly in your heart. Perhaps a run for office in your
own home state of California would have suited you better, although
it likely would have called for a bit more multicultural appreciation.
This suggested alteration in your philosophy would probably
include your removal of the noose that hangs from a ficus tree
in your office and any confederate flag paraphernalia that you
choose to display publicly on your lapel or elsewhere, as cited
by Wikipedia. You may also want to peruse your sister’s memoirs,
entitled Fifth Quarter: The Scrimmage of a Football Coach’s
Daughter, which has some fascinating insight on how you used
violence against her and others in your family and your reasoning
behind once aspiring to be a dentist, which she indicates was
an intense want to cause the suffering of others by your own
hands.
With Sincerest Congratulations,
The Demosthenian Literary Society
Kathryn E. Smith, Secretary
Mr. Vaudo rose and presented:
BIR: Dueling should return to the US.
RS, Zak Vaudo
He prefers swords. Duels are more interesting and efficient
than fistfights, and less expensive than lawyers.
Miss Keyes Blumer indicated that duels are usually fought over
women, with the exception of the Hamilton-Burr duel. She also
expressed the foolishness of duels, and questioned why we should
return to such inane stupidity.
Mr Garcia said that duels tap into the primal instincts of
human nature, namely, anger. George W. Bush could have challenged
Saddam Hussein to a ballistic missile duel. It was moved that
Mr. Garcia be added to the no sex list for misogyny, with Mr.
Broach’s congratulations.
The debate was called to question and the resolution passed
among members 15-7, and failed among guests 0-1.
Mr. Vaudo challenged all opponents to a duel. Miss Turlington
only approves of dueling banjos. Mr. Garcia was added to the
no sex list.
The meeting was adjourned subject to Mr. Ballard’s critics
report.
Given that this is the last set of minutes that I will read
to you as Secretary of the DLS, I would like to leave you with
some sage advice from our greatest, most honorable alumnus,
Robert Toombs. When in the face of hardship, or when you’re
too drunk to stand when all of your friends run away because
you are about to get busted by the 5-0 for underage drinking
or public intoxication, remember these words:
“The guilty flee where no man pursueth, but the righteous are
as bold as a lion!”
Respectfully Submitted,
Kathryn E. Smith
|
University of Georgia 