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Minutes of the Demosthenian Society for the meeting of January
19, 1995
Second Officer’s Log: Stardate 952601
Things grow progressively worse for the crew of the NCC 1995-A,
the Demosthenian. Our Captain, Captain Forest Glenn Tiberius Morrison
the 5th’s mental condition is degrading rapidly, and only I seem
to be aware. The crew is of no help. Fear for the worst. Take yesterday,
for instance. The captain put the ship on red alter, calling us
to the holodeck. I was shocked by the spectacle before me.
“Arrrrrrr, Avast ye laddie. Ye be ailing with LongJohn Pegleg Patcheye
Redbeard Forest Glenn Tiberius Morrison the 5th, the scourge of
the seven seas, the blood thirstiest pirate captain ever to set
sail with a group of scurvy landlubbers,” came the cry from above.
I covered my eyes and looked up, peeking at what I saw. It was
terrifying, the captain was decked out in full regalia, two peg
legs, a hook, and a parrot on his shoulder he affectionately referred
to as Mr. Deriso. The works.
“Give me a Damn Yankee cracker,” came the squawk from the captain’s
shoulder. “Number One wants a Damn Yankee cracker. And a better
part. Why do I always get the bit parts? Mr. Stapp gets better parts
than me. I’m buff! Look at these wing feathers!”
I saluted and took my place among the crew, when the distinct smell
of muscle oil and sweat hit my senses. Lt. Cmdr Buff stood at the
captain’s right hand, shirtless and smiling a Technicolor smile
at the swooning miscellaneous female types. Women dig a man with
mutton chop sideburns.
“Now there, me hardies, we have a quest before us. No lootin’ or
pillagin’ or wenchin’ or” the captain barked out, only to be interrupted
by Lieutenant JG Stuart.
“No wenching?” he asked, unbelieving.
“Oh, go stroke your ego. Better yet, get that Minicozzi chick to
stroke it for you. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
The old man’s eyes misted over as he looked to the sky. “Yes, me
laddies, we be a huntin’ more than just a fair maid. This is it,
the big time.”
“What? What?” came the excited cries of the crew.
“We seek,” he ran a hook through his two remaining strands of hair,
“The sacred hairpiece of Shatner. With that toupee’... with that
toupee’ I could RULE the world!” He smiled, “And get a date with
Ms Handler over there.”
The Meeting was called to order at 7:16 PM.
The Society recognized two first time guests and one second or
third time guest.
Mr. Wright was appointed Critic for the evening.
Ms Handler petitioned the Society for membership, stressing the
importance of voting. If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.
Ms Handler was accepted into membership.
Ms Thompson repetitioned the Society, commenting on the bus situation
here at UGA, and advocating a No Cars for Freshmen policy.
Ms Thompson was accepted into membership again, possibly because
she did not once mention Morrissey or the Smiths in her speech.
Ms Townley rose on behalf of the Alumni relations committee to
announce a joint meeting with the Programs committee on Monday,
at 8:00.
Mr. van meter then rose on behalf of the Finance Committee, to
announce, as always, that dues are due. He appealed to the committee
chairs to get their budget requests in ASAP.
The Society approved an allocation of $11.10 for something.
Ms B Polentz rose as Chief Justice and said some stuff.
The Society then moved into Old Business.
Mr. Watson, still recovering from his seven state victory tour
rose to present the following resolution:
Whereas, by his own admission he is best suited to roll around
in a muddy ditch,
Be it Resolved: As a self -proclaimed piglet, Newt Gingrich
isn’t biologically suited to be the speaker at a Shriner’s Convention,
much less the Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Respectfully Submitted,
Kevin Watson.
He also announced that he had been lax in his giraffe hunting duties
and that women are susceptive to infections when in ditches. His
good friend Newtie told him all this.
Mr. Stuart rose, second as always, to oppose the resolution stating
he was a misogynist, and that he does roll around in the mud every
now and then, even though he has never hunted giraffe. He then declared
that the entire Democratic party was a piglet.
Ms Thompson rose to chide the Society for talking about people
behind their backs. Since Newt’s mommy wasn’t here to defend him,
it wasn’t fair.
Ms Sullivan rose to speak about orphans and the need for a better
system. She also asked what planet Newt was from.
Mr. Barnett rose to clarify the Newtmeister’s position on many
things and to applaud him for speaking on issues. He made no comment
on giraffe hunting, however.
Mr. Stapp rose in support of the resolution and was fined for repeated
usage of words I cannot print in the minutes. He might have said
something nasty about giraffes as well.
Mr. McAllister rose in agreement with the resolution and apologized
for his premature ejaculation. And he was forgiven. He also said
that he is against term limits. Newt is merely latching on to the
idea because it is popular.
Ms Spornberger rose to present a friendly amendment to the resolution,
further condemning Newt’s hair. But, she forgot to actually present
the amendment, so none was introduced.
Mr. Sutter rose in support of the resolution, but also failed to
comment on the giraffes.
Mr. Weaver rose as a Republican to say that when the camera is
on, Newt likes to talk. It’s really an issue of airplay. Newt’s
been crazy for years, just now, people are listening.
Mr. Strong was confused. Women are a majority of the population,
but still considered a minority. Politics disgust him anyway, and
Newt is an exclusionist.
Mr. Hudson rose afraid. Republican rule scares him. Reactionism
scares him. He supported the resolution.
And the question was called and the resolution failed by a vote
of eight to ten.
Ms B Polentz rose to present her virgin resolution. Funny how Hotlips
stayed pure so long.
Whereas language has been diluted to a point where it has
become utterly meaningless, be it resolved: in memory of language,
the Society will observe one minute of silence, to be timed by
the Vice President immediately after passage of this resolution.
Respectfully,
Bethany A Polentz,
Kirsten M Polentz.
Ms Polentz proposed that we must “Do violence to language,” that
words and phrases like “I’m sorry” are empty and destroy communication.
Ms Sullivan tried valiantly not to use the word um and she... um,
like, um, failed, um, and um, stuff. She finally concluded exasperatedly
that she has no language. She supported the resolution by default.
Ms K Polentz rose to clarify. The resolution is aimed at spoken
language. Words like I love you don’t mean what they should. She
supported the resolution. It was, after all, her resolution.
Mr. Gasaway rose to oppose the resolution. ‘Um’ has meaning and
is useful. Vulgarity means nothing, and he has a problem with slang.
Mr. Barret (Most Honorable Alum), rose in support of the resolution.
We say these meaningless things in an attempt to keep a part of
ourselves hidden. True communication is about revealing our innermost
selves.
Ms Richie rose in agreement. Communication is getting who you are
across to others, something nearly impossible with the current state
of language.
Mr. “Don’t you dare call me Sparky,” Pyrdum did not mention the
word ‘Um’ in his speech. He opposed the resolution, saying that
language is only meaningless if you don’t know how to use it properly.
Mr. Hunt (Guest) opposed the resolution. Without language we cannot
communicate at all.
Mr. Morrison did not agree with the resolution. Communication has
never been greater at any time in human history than it is now.
Technology allows us to communicate directly and frequently.
Mr. McAllister rose to say nothing. For a whole minute. Wow. There
is virtue to silence. We learn by listening and not by speaking.
During his minute of silence he was threatened with extreme bodily
harm on several occasions.
Ms Spornberger rapped a little for us and opposed the resolution.
The variation in communication is not a cause for despair, but for
celebration.
Ms Harris rose to say that she loves the sounds of nature. She
supported the resolution.
Mr. Stuart was not the second speaker on this resolution, and the
Society stood dumbfounded. He then expounded at great length upon
the points presented, citing a recent discussion with his pet rock
to support his arguments.
Ms Townley rose to quote Twain, “It is better to say nothing and
appear foolish, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” She
supported the resolution.
And the question was called and the resolution failed by a vote
of ten to fifteen.
Quick fact: Already tonight I’ve used the word ‘resolution’ twenty-seven
times.
Ms Handler rose next to present her virgin resolution.
Be it Resolved: The United States must strive to find some
unifying cultural identity.
Respectfully submitted,
Laurie Handler,
Laurie Handler,
James A Strong.
The US is not a melting pot, but it should be, said Ms Handler.
Mr. Barnett rose in favor of the status quo and opposed to the
resolution. It is great that we as Americans can live with one another,
despite our different cultural identities.
Mr. Wright rose to say that there are many nations within our nation,
and that economics is a dividing line, one that keeps us from true
unity.
Ms Spornberger rose in opposition to the resolution. People are
always unaware of their own culture. Ice, jelly, tube socks, sliced
bred, toilets, and individualism. This is our culture.
Mr. Shonek rose in support. Breaking down into sub-cultures is
bad. Disaster brings people together, he added, despite of sub-culture.
Ms B Polentz gave us a physics lesson, stating that melting pots
are bad, because when you cause something to melt, something is
lost. That is of course, directly opposite most laws of thermodynamics
that say that when something melts, it gains something, namely energy.
But Ms B Polentz is cute, so no one called her on it.
Mr. Strong, co-presenter of the topic at hand said that yes, there
is an appreciation for diversity, but there must be one great unifier.
Mr. Deriso was opposed, strongly opposed to the resolution. BBQ,
peanuts, college football, softball, blues, jazz, ‘57 Chivvies,
the Tonight Show, Twain, Senior Prom, Boy and Girl Scouts, Summer
Camp, Pizza, popcorn at the movies, Coca Cola, fireworks on the
4th of July, the Chia Pet and the Clapper. This is our culture.
That said, the question was called and the resolution failed by
a vote of 2 to 13.
The Society moved to adjourn subject to Mr. Wright’s abbreviated
critic’s report.
The Society adjourned at 11:26PM
“No! Not the sacred hair piece of Shatner!” came the cries of the
crew.
“Arrrrr, yes. The sacred hairpiece of Shatner. With that toupee’,
I could rule the world... and get a date with Ms. Handler.”
“You said that already, Mr. president -- Captain.” Squawked Number
One.
“Did I? Hmmm, did I also mention that I could rule the world with
it?”
“Yes, Captain, sheesh. Get a clue.”
“How about that Handler chick? Wowee!”
“That too, Captain.”
“Arrrr, Well yes yes, of course, but did I mention that I could
rule the world with it?”
Mr. Deriso the parrot rolled his eyes and flew off, leaving us
alone with our captain.
The captain turned to the crew. “Anyway, it’s just off over here
somewhere. Now where did I leave my spectacles? Arrrrrr therrrrrrrre
they arrrrrr.”
We sailed onward on this madman’s quest. He was still the captain
after all, and at least he hadn’t soiled his Depends yet. He usually
does that around this time in the minutes. He’s very regular that
way. Good to see that he’s still regular at his age.
Look, there he goes. Regular as clockwork he is. The Old Faithful
of Defecation.
“Arrr... me laddies, we’re just minutes away from arrrrrr destination.
The Senior Citizen’s Discount Platter will be mine!”
“That’s the toupee’ of Shatner, sir.” Lt. Cmdr Buff whispered.
“Arrr.. that too, that too.”
Submitted respectfully this 26th day of January in the year of
our Lord, 1995
Carl S Pyrdum
Secretary
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