Minutes of the DLS: February 19, 1995

Second Officer’s Log: Stardate 9502.23

And still, we lack a quorum in the minutes. So, instead of a funny part, I decided I’d treat the Society.

Ever wonder about those little notes people pass while they’re here on the bench? Well, somehow, they ended up in my notebook, after this year’s All-Night meeting.

Here’s the choicest of the bunch.

From the back of an All-Night Meeting program:

“See that girl @ the fireplace? You mean Bethany? Yes. So what about Bethany? I’m in love w/her. Her response? Pretty sure she feels the same. Just following your train of thought on attraction to female Demosthenians <some scribble> The isn’t a Demosthenian over a month, and I meant what. Bethany’s a good friend. She’s Catholic, though.”

From a really small bit of a spiral bound notebook:

“If I get to intro the Goff Res., I shall flambe (scratched out) flamboyantly use a mild profanity. Whack that gavel hard, big boy.”

“I ripped.”

From the front of an All-Night meeting program:

“I so drunk, my eyes no longer work.”

We now return you to your regularly scheduled minutes, already in progress. Hang on to your hats, boys and girls, there’s a lot of them.

The meeting was called to order at 7:25

And there was a program.

Mr. Morrison, our beloved President, address the assembled guests, members, and alumni, welcoming them. He thanked the alumni and promptly sat down.

Mr. McAllister rose to introduce the first guest speaker, former Congressman Don Johnson. Not the Miami Vice guy, though he did have stubble.

Don Johnson did not give the proper address, but since he starred on Miami Vice, it was OK. Wait, he didn’t? Darn, how are we going to fine him now? Mr. Johnson spoke of former Society member Crawford Long and his roommate Alexander Stephens. He took the Society through the history of the dreaded triumvirate of Lincoln, Toombs, and Stephens and the beliefs they espoused at different points in their careers.

Mr. Sheahan rose to introduce the next speaker, Dr. Hubert McAlexander.

Dr. McAlexander did give the address and did speak at great length. He spoke mainly of the novel _Gone With The Wind_, and how it is a fine piece of literature, a revisionist novel, a romance novel, a feminist novel, and a modern novel. His speech, while enlightening, was perhaps the longest given in the Society in recent history.

Mr. Meaders rose to introduce former member and most honoured alum the Honorable Watson White.

Mr. White shared with the Society a little of Mr. Meader’s family history and then proceeded to reminisce about the good old days of the Society when he was President, a way back when. He related his rise to power on the judicial circuit and was generally much briefer than Dr. McAlexander.

The Society recessed briefly.

Still in Programs, the Society moved into a two hour Alumni Debate. 17 Alumni were present at the beginning of the debate and several others soon entered.

Ms Anderson, Alum, spoke of the Susan Smith trial. She presented the following resolution:

Be it Resolved: Talk radio populism has gone too far; the electronic town hall has turned into an electronic lynch mob.

Submitted in good faith,

Katherine Anderson.

Mr. Boyter, Alum, rose to oppose the resolution. This sort of thinking goes back to what the white, male, landowning founding fathers wanted for this country... rights for white, male landowners. It is anti-individual and anti-progressive.

Mr. Jones, Alum, rose in favor of populism. Power to the people!

Mr. Johnson, Alum, rose opposed to the resolution. Yes, the mob is powerful, but the nature of our government allows it to survive the mob. Mobs have rights, too.

Mr. Derbes, Recent Alum, rose in favor of the resolution. The government was founded on careful deliberation. The electronic town hall undermines this.

Mr. McAllister, Wannabe Alum, asked America to be responsive, not reactive. Populism implies a lack of leadership.

Mr. Head, Alum, called the US a nation of fat, stupid, lazy whiners. Saying is too easy, doing is too much work.

And the question was called, and the resolution failed by a vote of 2 to 13.

Mr. Boyter, Alum, rose to inform the Society that at 4:00 on March 15, he’s walking into a McDonalds and killing as many people as he can. He presented the following resolution:

Be it Resolved: If abortion is murder, there is a moral obligation to stop it, no matter the means.

Respectfully submitted,

Ron Boyter.

Mr. Jones, Alum, rose to speak of presumptions and common ground. The abortion debate is representative of what is going on in America. He rejected the resolution, due to the presenter’s lack of humility.

Ms Anderson, Alum, rose to oppose the resolution, because abortion is killing, not murder. Like a tumor, the fetus is not a life.

Mr. Wells, Alum, made explicit bodily threats to the introducer’s life. He then asked the assembly to uphold the sanctity of life.

Mr. Watson, Alum, blamed corduroy for his speech. He then accused the introducer of trying to have it both ways.

And the question was called, and the resolution failed by a vote of 2 to 12.

Ms Fields, Alum, promise controversy and delivered with a startling new interpretation of Judeo-Christian philosophy. She presented the following resolution:

Whereas Christians accept the Bible as the Infallible and Inspired word of God,

And Whereas according to said scripture, all sins are equal in God’s eyes,

And Whereas Judeo-Christian tenets include that God has the final word on what’s what to Christians,

Be It Resolved: Homosexuality is no more a sin than wearing cotton ramic blend sweaters and not loving your neighbor as thyself.

Amen

Respectfully submitted,

Lee Fields,
Robin Kinly.

Mr. Boyter, Alum, seeking to jump start the debate, said that Christians are intellectually obligated to oppose homosexuality. He things that the bible is amazing. Then he said, “masturbation.” Huh huh... that was pretty cool.

Mr. Dominey, Alum, recited pi to 7 places. He criticized Biblical mathematicians and opposed the resolution. He said “tidbits.” Huh huh huh, that was pretty cool, too.

Mr. Derbes, Alum, said he could not resist temptation; he upheld the accuracy of the Bible. He said he did not want to play games, which surprised several of his former lady friends. He said “meat.” That was cool.

Ms Shattuck, Alum, said that the topic was inappropriate and criticized the presenters. She then talked about Hall Renovation. She said “Head.” That was cool.

Mr. Knox, Alum, parsed the resolution and found it logically errant. The former Methodist minister preached acceptance.

Mr. Fitzgerald, Alum, said that as a graduate of Catholic High School, he was not overly impressed by the Bible. Western Society no longer allows the comfort of blind faith.

Mr. Long, Guest, said that the Society was losing sight of the resolution. You either accept the Bible as a whole, or reject it.

Mr. VanMeter, not Alum, but pretty uptight, said “grip.” He then asked for a holistic view of the Bible. He rejected the resolution, because Christianity is too diverse for categorization.

And the question was called and the resolution passed by a vote of 10 to 4.

The Society recessed for a time, and then, still in programs, came the Faculty Advisor’s Address.

Dr. Parkes spoke of freedom and censorship. He proposed that the assumption that anti-censorship is anti-convention and anti-traditional is flawed. He also spoke of the conventionality of being unconventional. You cannot escape convention merely by being different. By trying for difference, we fall into a more devious trap. He added that all books are about sex, when you get down to it.

The Society then heard the Historian’s Address.

Mr. Deriso spoke of change and the prehistory of the Society, its roots, and its relationship to the rival society.

Mr. Owen, Alum, was appointed as critic for the evening as the Society finally moved from programs.

The Society recognized four first time guests and no second or third time guests,.

The Society then moved into committee reports and Ms K Polentz took the floor.

Ms K Polentz announced the cleanup on Sunday at 9PM.

Mr. Weaver rose to announce that tee-shirts were on sale.

The Society then moved into Old Business.

Mr. Winfrey, Alum, took the floor to apologize to the Society and to present the society with two things, a copy of the minutes from his term as Secretary, and the book _Culture of Disbelief_.

And the Society recessed again, for quite some time.

And then the Society moved into the Impeachment Trial of Glenn V Morrison. It was a courtroom battle that lasted ages... and even longer than Dr. Hubert Alexander’s speech. And it went on and on and on, and in general was not paid attention by the Society, who thought that they were all much more entertaining than anything on the floor. Even Ms B ‘Hotlips’ Polentz got hot under the collar, and banged her gavel a lot.

A vote was taken to impeach the president, and he was impeached.

A vote was then taken, after MUCH deliberation. The motion to impeach the President was reconsidered.

A vote was taken, and Glenn Morrison was reinstated as President.

The Society then moved into New Business and Mr. Pyrdum took the floor.

Mr. Pyrdum rose to present the following resolution:

Resolved: Poetry sucks. Long live prose.

Carl S Pyrdum III

Mr. Sheahan rose to defend poetry. He also added that the core curriculum at the University overstays its bounds, requiring too much. He proposed the following amendment to the resolution:

Be it Resolved: That the resolution shall be amended to replace the word ‘poetry’ with the words ‘Lab Science requirements.’

Respectfully submitted,

Matthew Sheahan
And two people with really bad handwriting.

The society then moved into debate on the amendment.

Mr. Meaders flouted decorum and spoke on the original resolution. “Poetry may suck, but it is all up to the reader.”

Mr. McAllister agreed that poetry inhaled, but then said that Lab Sciences and Poetry interconnect the branches of learning.

Ms Handler then rose to say, “So I took this road - BIG DEAL!”

Ms Luck, Alum and Demsoc-list ghoulie, rose to say that a poem is not a mathematical equation. Lab science requirements are OK.

Mr. Johnson, Alum, a fourteen year veteran of Demosthenian, attacked the wording of the amendment. It implies that all lab science requirements inhale, a prospect he opposed for medical doctors.

A voice vote was taken, and the amendment failed.

The Society then resumed debate on the parent resolution.

Mr. Stuart rose to debate the foiled amendment. Talk about beating a dead horse.

Mr. Morrison rose to say that most of the time poetry is really, really bad. He also added that he can’t stand Emily Dickinson.

Mr. Barnett, reeking of waste, cheap whiskey, and the musk of wild women... wait, check that, no woman would go near him that night, rose to say, “I don’t give a Yankee D-word (expletive deleted) what anyone says -- poetry sucks.” Amazing how eloquent a person can be when they are blasted off their A-word (expletive deleted).

The question was called, and the resolution failed by a vote of 0 to 19.

Mr. Watson, Alum, rose to yield the floor to Mr. Jones, Alum.

Mr. Jones, Alum, presented the following resolution:

Be it Resolved: Dark liquors are superior to clear liquors.

He added that the reason he hates Gin is that is “sucks like poetry.”

Mr. Meaders rose, cradling a huge bottle of Evan Williams to speak for the resolution, we think. “Dark liquor’s what this country was founded on.”

Mr. Votyer, Alum, who was currently wearing several brands of dark liquor waxed poetic, noting that vodka is made in the baby seal bashing atheistic bastion of communism. So there.

Mr. Gladwell, Alum, drank a shot of Evan Williams and announced that he wouldn’t do that with light liquor.

Mr. Watson, Alum, announced that clear liquor has been slighted love in this upper chamber. The most versatile of all drinks is tequila, the evil worm.

Mr. Sheahan said that if you wish to have fun with ice, use light liquor. If you want to -drink-, use dark. The ceremony surrounding tequila is procrastination. With dark liquors, you just shoot it, already.

Ms Luck, Alum, rose to say that liquor is a personal preference, like poetry or prose.

Mr. Hunt talk of moonshine, the liquor that makes you go hhhhhhhhhhagggghhhhh!

The question was called and the resolution passed by a vote of 7 to 6.

Mr. Head, Alum, rose to speak of his dealings with demons. 1995 is close enough to the next millennium. Bad things are happening. He presented the following resolution:

Resolved: Former Demosthenian Ralph Reed is the Antichrist.

Submitted,

Gilbert Head.

Mr. Knox, Alum, rose to call Mr. Reed a pasty faced, mealy mouthed piece of nothing’, then and now. Mean spirited he is, so he’s close to the antichrist.

Mr. Boyer, Alum, rose to say, “It’s 6AM, do you know where your sobriety is?” Ralph Reed is a sick man, but not the Antichrist.

Mr. Barnett, in all seriousness, and he was not drunk one bit... you want to see drunk? He’ll show you drunk... didn’t know who the antichrist was. He also didn’t know where his car was, or what his last name was.

Mr. Dominic, Alum, knew Ralph Reed when he was a drunkard Demosthenian. He was a big football fan, and thus could not be the Antichrist.

Mr. Deriso disagreed with the resolution. Ralph is standing up for what he believes; he just isn’t suave enough.

Ms Luck, Alum, thought the resolution didn’t go far enough. Was she bitter? Noooooo. He’s Drachieavellian! (Like the guy from _The Prince_, remember?) She submitted an amendment.

Be it further resolved,

That the Secretary shall write a letter informing Mr. Reed of this distinction. And then eat it.

Sincerely,

Glenn Morrison,
Harry something,
Monica Luck.

Mr. Johnson, Alum, was a friend of Ralph’s and said determinedly that Mr. Reed was one of the three most dangerous people in America.

Mr. Sheahan frowned on the resolution. It speaks poorly upon the Society to see us discussion Mr. Reed’s evil behind his back.

Mr. Winfrey, Alum, proposed that the Christian Right is neither Christian nor right.

The Question was called and the resolution failed by a vote of 6 to 13.

The status of the amendment is still unknown.

Mr. Meaders then rose to give his ‘Why I Love Demosthenian’ Speech.

Mr. Head followed suit, as the lights dimmed and the sacred shade rose, and spoke of his love of the Society.

A motion was made to Antler Dance.

And the Society Antler Danced.

A motion was made to adjourn, subject to Mr. Owen’s critic’s report.

The Society adjourned at 7:08 AM.

Submitted respectfully, this twenty-third day of the second month of the year of our Lord, 1995,

Carl S. Pyrdum,

Secretary.