Minutes of the DLS: February 23, 1995

Second Officer’s Log: Stardate 9503.02

Mr. Presid-Captain, move to suspend the rules of the minutes regarding quorum.

The President did a double-take. “Um, well, all in favor of suspending the rules of the minutes regarding quorum, please say aye.”

There was not a nay in the house. And the rules of the minutes regarding quorum were suspended.

Finally, the minutes could proceed unhindered by silliness.

Unfortunately, I can’t continue with this Star Trek theme. It’s panned out. How many times can we have Glenn wet his Depends? Yes, yes, it does happen in real life, and that’s part of where the humor comes from. *Sniff* *sniff* Smells like he’s already soiled them. Bad Mr. President. Bad. We’re supposed to wait until the epilogue part of the minutes. Are you eating right? Feeling OK? I mean, your coat is shiny and all -- Hey, Deriso, check his nose. See if it’s wet. Or is it dry? I can’t remember exactly, and it’s all different, due to his age and all.

We could do the whole ‘Hi, I’m Forest Glenn, and people call me Forest Glenn bit,’ but well, that’s pretty close to real life as well.

I’ll think of something. While I’m thinking, I’ll do the other part of the minutes.

The meeting was called to order at 7:13 PM.

And there was a program. The bench was evacuated due to fire regulations and Mr. President took the floor.

Mr. Morrison gave his state of the Society address, as required by the Constitution, remarking on his progress towards the goals he set for his term.

The bench then resumed, Chinese fire drill over.

The Society recognized one first time guest and one second or third time guest.

Mr. Meadders was appointed Critic for the evening.

The Society then moved into Committee Reports and Mr. Merritt took the floor.

Mr. Merritt remarked on his inability to give 110% to the office of Sergeant-At-Arms and promptly resigned.

The Society then moved into Old or Unfinished Business.

The Society then moved into New Business.

Mr. Sheahan rose to yield the floor to Mr. Van Meter.

Mr. Van Meter rose to present the following resolution:

Be it Resolved: The Winter Quarter Brickheap should go to Professional Baseball.

Respectfully Submitted,

Apt 74 and others.

Mr. Barnett rose, alcohol free we think, to oppose the resolution, because baseball is too easy a target. Besides, who cares about stupid old baseball anyway?

Mr. Sutter rose to reread the resolution and to support it. He cares about baseball, so nyah nyah nyah Mr. Barnett.

Mr. Merritt was “troubled very deeply” and has “arduously dealt with this.” Baseball is one of the threads holding society together. He supported the resolution.

Mr. Shonek agreed with Mr. Merritt and added that he doesn’t blame managers for not wanting to manage scabs.

Mr. Sheahan noted that the resolution really is in the spirit of the Brickheap award, as this is the most glaring example of stupidity in society today. He also asked that it be noted that the Bulldogs beat Florida 101-85 at Florida.

Ms Minicozzi rose to giver her two cents. Greed bites.

Mr. Morrison rose to say that striking is very American. The players are striking. This is what America was built on, people.

Mr. Wright, Communist sympathizer and ninth speaker on the resolution said that there were two types of students, those that walks and those that ride the bus.

Mr. Pyrdum added that it isn’t the player’s fault that they’ve been paid millions of dollars. No one forced the owners. He opposed the resolution on the principle that no matter how greedy or morally reprehensible the players are, you have to side with them because the owners are so amazingly stupid.

Mr. Deriso related the story of the Brickheap. He then supported the resolution, as he has no sympathy for the players. Baseball is a business, not a charity.

Ms B Polentz descended from the President’s chair to oppose the resolution, as there are much more stupid things we could give the Brickheap to.

The question was called and the resolution failed by a vote of eight to eleven.

Mr. Shonek then rose to deliver a story of McDonalds and hot coffee. Greed, it was the theme for the night. He presented the following resolution:

Be it Resolved: There should be an upper limit on the amount of money one can sue for.

Respectfully,

Greg Shonek.

Ms Sullivan rose in agreement. You should be able to sue for as much as you can get.

Ms K Polentz spoke of her mother’s experience with faulty products and how this law was a bad step. However, she added that the reason medical insurance is so high is because of people suing for all they can get.

Mr. Gasaway things that McDonalds should pay us. And the problem with America is that we think Accident equals Millionaire.

Mr. Barnett rose to give us all a legal lesson, illuminating the difference between compensatory damages, and punitive damages. All were amazed. Truly.

Mr. Deriso rose to give the facts. When 700 people complain that your soup is too hot, you’ve got a problem. He disagreed with the resolution, but supported it wholeheartedly.

Ms Townley rose to relate her mother’s story, and her problems with Lockheed.

And the question was called and the resolution passed on a vote of 9 to 2.

Ms Spornberger rose and lamented the fact that she could not do her Censor Morem’s report since it was a Committee Report.

A motion was made to suspend the order of business.

And the order of business was suspended.

The Society then moved into Committee Reports.

And Ms Spornberger got to give her report. Complete with visual aids.

Mr. Kaiser then took the floor on behalf of Hall Preservation, to announce that the Society had raised $1000.

A motion was made to resume the order of business.

And the Society moved into New Business.

Ms Townley took the floor as a Quorum Call was made.

The Society adjourned due to lack of Quorum at 9:30PM

OK, so, like, well, the minutes weren’t really long enough for me to think up a good funny epilogue. No funny themes have come to mind. I mean, Hawaii 50 would be a pretty cool theme, if I could think up something to say besides ‘Book’m Glenno.’

*Sniff* *sniff*

What’s that smell? Glenn? Again?

Sheesh, boy... we’re gonna have to take you to the vet or something. Yuck. You’ve made a mess all over your President’s Chair.

Like, gross and stuff. Gag me with a spoon or some junk.

Anyway, I’d best just stop wasting time. The minutes just weren’t long enough, because of that nagging quorum rule.

What? There’s no quorum in the minutes again? Oh well.

Submitted respectfully this 2nd day of the 3rd month of the year of our Lord, 1995

Carl S Pyrdum,

Secretary.