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Opening his eyes,
Howard Hodgins saw the light for the first time in quite a long
time, if not for the first time in his life. It was bright, and
moving, and seemed to be calling to him... "Howard! Howard! Get up
off the floor, you little redheaded rat!" Assured by the last
comment that he was not on his way to see Jesus (although his
personal history should have been enough for that) Howard sat up on
the floor of the lower chamber and squinted into the flashlight.
"Who is that?" he
said in his usual calm manner, "Why am I here?"
"Hell if I know,"
said our beloved President, "you've been here ever since the night
of our last meeting in the Spring. Didn't I tell you not to go out
drinking with Andrew?"
Incredulous,
Howard looked at his clothes and sure enough, he was still wearing
the same suit (the one he said was an Armani but all of us knew
better) cufflinks and all.
"Wow! That was
some hangover!"
"Yeah, that's what
the carpet said -- and has been saying for about 2 months. Becky
decided to go ahead and clean up your mess after the second week.
She tried to wake you, but you wouldn't budge."
"You mean the
lovely Ms. Richie, the light of my life, the passion of my days had
to clean up my puke? She touched me in my sleep, and I wasn't
conscious to realize it?! My existence is meaningless now -- please
let me go."
But as Howard rose
from the deep stain in the carpet, Madame President, pushed him back
down. "Not so fast, buster," she said in a sinister tone. "Now I'm
the light of your life, and you just have to deal with it --
starting now!"
For the first
time, Howard noticed that the lovely Ms. Polentz was not clad in her
usual attire. Instead, she wore an outfit more becoming of a
dominatrix, complete with leather strapping and whip. The important
parts were covered, though, and after seeing this in front of him,
Howard made sure his were too.
"Uh, I don't know
quite what you mean..."
"Well," said our
leather-bound Bethany, "all the women in the Society decided that
whoever was able to wake you up would have the privilege of you as
their slave -- it gets you out of the $5,125 in fines you've
accumulated during your stay in the Hall." I've been here for 4
weeks trying to get you for myself -- Rachel was here before me, but
she gave up when all she could elicit from you after 5 weeks was a
burp."
"I never agreed to
this! I don't think this is allowable under the Constitution!
Isn't there a sexual harassment clause or something?" Howard was
desperate now.
"Nah, you and
Andrew took a stand against that in the committee and got it taken
out. That was OK with me, though -- thanks for giving me this
wonderful opportunity! Don't worry, honey, I won't hurt your little
red head a bit -- we're just going to have a little fun!"
The meeting was
called to order at 7:35. The minutes of both the previous regular
meeting and the Special Constitutional Meeting were read and
approved by the Society with minor changes. There was one first
time guest and no second or third time guests. Three alums, Ms. K.
Polentz, Mr. Fitzgerald, and Mr. Deriso joined the Society this
evening.
The Society
entered Programs, where Mr. Deriso took the floor and presented, at
long last, the scrapbook for the year and some odd months that he
served the Society as Historian.
Then began the
annual tradition of farewell addresses, given by members departing
the Society due to graduation. The first to speak was Ms. Clark,
who opened her speech by saying that the debate brought her to
Demosthenian, but that it was the people that kept her here. Among
other bits of wisdom, Ms. Clark observed that strong people would
always try to mold the world around them to fit their worldview.
Speaking with only veiled reference to Demosthenian, she suggested
that it is worthwhile for all of us to accommodate people's
differences. She also told us that "good music is better when it's
loud," "life is too short to drink cheap beer," and to "make time to
share with people you care about." She read the poem, "Politics" to
the Society and gave her comments on it. She also gave Things We
Carry, a collection of short stories, to the Society's library.
Next to speak was
Mr. Gasaway, who spoke mostly about his first interactions
with members of the Society. His first experience was a party at
Apt. 74, where he spoke with Mr. Choi. He also remembered his first
visit to a meeting and listened to Mr. Trammell tell guests why the
Heap was so inferior. Mr. Gasaway mentioned that the night he
joined was also his 21st birthday, and that his maiden address was
about something from class that day (a trend that developed in his
speeches from then on). He reminded us all of his infamous
"Integrity" speech from his first Sgt. At Arms race His evaluation
of his time in the Society was that speaking gave him confidence,
the Society gave him great friends, and the key to the Hall was a
key to knowledge. His message to us all: "Putting a little guy in
with giants will always raise him up."
Mr. Gasaway gave
the book, Tao: The Watercourse Way to the library.
Ms. Spornberger
rose to give her second farewell address in as many years, and she
thanked us for the chance to do it all again. She said that while
she had been a member of both societies and relished the literary
society experience, she said she was a lot more grown-up as a
Demosthenian. Among other things, Ms. Spornberger credited the
Society with changing the way she communicates, and made her wish
that all exams were oral. While she would not give herself credit
as a student, she said that most of her learning had come in this
Hall and in life. She left Demosthenians with many words of advice,
among them: "be willing to say what you really think and stand by
it, no matter the offense," "keep Demosthenian in perspective," and
"maintain who you are, both as people and as a Society." She gave
to the Society a copy of C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters
and a USAir timetable.
Ms. Sullivan
spoke first about why she came to Demosthenian. After a
not-so-surprisingly bad experience at the Heap, she was invited to
Demosthenian by Ms. Tomlinson and found it a welcome change from the
sexual harassment of the Heapers (she has not yet seen that side of
our President, I suppose). She said she had always enjoyed debating
and spoke about asthma and smoking in her maiden address. As far as
what she learned here, Ms. Sullivan said that you must be willing to
back away sometimes to avoid being frustrated. Also, she echoed Ms.
Spornberger's sentiments, saying that you must always stand for what
you believe. Ms. Sullivan left us with these words of wisdom: "If
you don't like it here, leave!" She gave keys to the Hall to Ms.
B. Richie, Ms. Tomlinson, Mr. Sirak, and Ms. Polentz. She also
handed down the traditional dancing boots to Ms. J. Richie,
complete with spray paint.
Mr. Meaders
spoke next, saying from the start that he would not try to act as if
her was an active member. He described himself as not an eloquent
speaker, and said that he often did not know what to say. However,
Mr. Meaders told the Society it had given him a better idea about
how to go about speaking, and that he plans to start a Demosthenian
Union in the school where he teaches. While he tries to spread the
art of debate in the world, Mr. Meaders entreated the Society to
keep Demosthenian alive and well here on campus. He asked us to
remember him as one who loved the Society, and gave his key to the
Hall to a younger member who he said epitomized that love to him,
Mr. Hodgins (he's not the only one who thinks that, apparently!)
Mr. Merritt,
recently deposed from the bench, said that he was happy with the
Society and his personal accomplishments as a member. He hoped that
all of those present would get as much from Demosthenian as he had.
In his time here, Mr. Merritt said he noticed first the history,
then the debate, and asked us to maintain both with equal vigor. In
his usual direct style, Mr. Merritt closed saying that through it
all, it had been an honor to be a Demosthenian, and that you should
live your life and never look back. He gave keys to Mr. Hodgins,
Mr. Shumaker, Ms. Ramirez, and Mr. V-Van M-Meter.
Mr. Trammell
was the last farewell speaker of the evening, and surprised the
Society when he said that the first and last time he stood behind
the podium were both intimidating. Telling us that he had so much
to say and that the people here mean so much to him, Mr. Trammell
launched into a discussion of the Hall and its powers. Asking the
audience to focus on the yellow walls, he said "this Hall has powers
to effect me and all of us -- anger, euphoria, nostalgia -- in so
many ways." He continued with a narrative about why he came to
Demosthenian, giving the Society a family history that included a
Robert Toombs Trammell as his grandfather, a moral imperative to be
a Demosthenian if there ever was one. Mr. Trammell spoke of the
powerful cult of Toombs, speaking to the portrait hanging in the
upper chamber and saying that all this history is "echoes, very
important." For what is important, according to Mr. Trammell, is
not what we are saying here, which he described as a scratch in
time, but that we are saying it, here in this Hall, that is eternal
and meaningful. He spoke of the legacy of Dr. Saye, and that the
reverence the members expressed a feeling that all of us should
share, and ask ourselves, "How do you want the spirit of
Demosthenian to know you?" Mr. Trammell asked us to model ourselves
after Toombs, a man of passion, who believed he was right until the
death. He thanked the Society for allowing him to share the oath
with us and to participate in all these traditions and more.
Calling keys a symbol of immortality, Mr. Trammell gave one to
Mr. Shumaker, Mr. Hodgins, Mr. Bowman, Mr. Kaiser, Mr. Pyrdum, and
Mr. V-Van M-Meter.
The Society dried
its collective eyes and moved into Committee Reports. Ms.
Ramirez asked members to write their preferences for Fall
Quarter committees on a sheet downstairs. Mr. Smith related
to the Society his troubles in retrieving the Society's copy of the
Pandora and asked members to return books they had borrowed from the
Society before they left for the summer. Mr. Hortman asked
for $100 to be approved as a discretionary summer budget, and for
$20 for a banner to hang above the Tate Center plaza. Both were
approved by the Society. Mr. V-Van M-Meter rose and asked
members to complete the phone list in the president's office
downstairs. Mr. Stuart rose to remind the Society of the
importance of quorum during the Wall of Fame vote later in the
evening, and stressed that the new Constitution is official and
would be enforced that evening.
The Society then
moved into Old Business, and the Wall of Fame resolution was
untabled and discussed. Mr. Meaders, at his first meeting as an
alum, rose to support Mr. Darden's candidacy as a member of the Wall
of Fame. He said that Mr. Darden was not only a close family
friend, but was also a distinguished public servant in both Cobb
County and in the U.S. Congress. The question was called and Mr.
Darden was added to the Wall of Fame by a vote of 12-0.
We moved into New
Business, and Mr. Pyrdum took the floor and spoke about
closure, a thought that was inspired by the night's farewell
addresses and a book he had read, Small Gods. He presented
the following:
Be It Resolved:
Mortality is man's greatest asset.
Respectfully submitted,
Carl S. Pyrdum
Mr. Stuart
took the floor and agreed with Mr. Pyrdum, saying that he had never
seen closure like he did during farewell addresses. He further
stated that distance makes one seem godlike, and that we are all
gods unto ourselves, as long as others know you and you know
yourself. Sure, Andrew.
Mr. Hortman
rose and said that the greatest challenge in life is to become a
legend, not to achieve immortality. He told us that mortality
drives us to achieve great things while we have time.
Mr. Hodgins
spoke next and said that we all need to die to avoid getting bored.
The limit of death gives us perpetually something to strive for
(such as the death of short redheads in Armani suits).
Mr. Bowman
said that physical mortality gives great figures, such as the man of
the evening Robert Toombs, a motivation to accomplish the things
that have made them immortal.
Mr. Choi
employed the Golden Mean theory to discuss the resolution, saying
that we will all reach a peak in our achievement and then decline.
Disputing that anyone is immortal, he still boasted that he was
passing his seed along to everyone he came in contact with. All
those in the upper chamber looked frantically for Cheong's seed, but
most of us found nothing -- pretty scary!
Mr. Garrison
rose to disagree with the resolution, bringing up examples such as
Richard Nixon and Strom Thurmond who did their best work in their
old age. Instead, mortality serves as our greatest obstacle to
accomplishing all we hope to in life.
Ms. Ramirez
told us about her greatest role model, her grandmother, and
mentioned that her personality, not her mortality, was her greatest
asset.
Mr. V-Van
M-Meter identified death as an ulitmate end (duh!) and that
ultimate ends give the ultimate perspective on one's
accomplishments. Ironically, this perspective often shows us all
the limitless potential of our own lives.
The question was
called and passed 6-4.
Mr. Stuart
stepped to the lectern next to object to the weepiness that had
infiltrated the Upper Chamber. Saying that regardless of the end,
there is always a beginning on the other side. Somehow he made a
good segue to this resolution:
Be It Resolved:
It is not necessarily what you say, but it is necessarily how you
say it.
Respectfully,
Andrew
H. Stuart
Mr. Hortman
rose to laud the presenter for his resolution, proclaiming that
presentation is everything in speaking. He said that this
resolution explains both why Demosthenian should have lost (and did
lose) the annual debate with the Heap, and why Bill Clinton is in
the Oval Office.
Mr. V-Van
M-Meter stormed to the lectern, stating that people who have
nothing to say but say nothing well are the source of many of
today's problems. Presentation is important, but our education is
supposed to give us the information and ethics to be responsible
with that ability to present one's thoughts, and that responsibility
is a great one.
Mr. Pyrdum
entertained us all with an interpretive version of the argument
expressed in the resolution. He said that he "had a dream, that
there is a purple crocodile," which Mr. Pyrdum rode across the world
and explained the meaning of life to the Society -- and we believed
him! Point taken.
Mr. Bowman
rose and made a distinction between the resolution describing the
present or the resolution presenting the ideal. He said that that
those who follow the message of the resolution are simply pandering
to society's weaknesses.
Ms. Ramirez
somehow introduced the Brickheap Manifesto into the debate, but I'm
not sure is she pulled it off or not. She closed by saying that we
cannot completely turn our eyes from the importance of presentation.
Mr. Choi,
the Golden Mean boy (or is that mean Golden boy?) brought up the
preamble of the Society's constitution, which calls on us to achieve
both truth and the means to express it. Saying that the two are
inseparable, Mr. Choi said that eloquence can cause the thought to
echo in our heads and get the idea across.
Mr. Hodgins
presented the Society with an illustration of his own about none
other than...suits! He said that the members who wore suits to
meetings were listened to more closely -- members were unsure
whether this was a comment on gender or dress. He gave many more
examples, but made the jump to Mortal Kombat 3 and Streetfighter, at
which time he disproved his point about the worthiness of words
spoken by people in suits.
The question was
then called and the resolution passed 7-3... not a flawless
victory.
The meeting was
adjourned, subject to Mr. Bowman's critic's report, at 11:20.
Madame President
sauntered toward Hodgins, trailing her whip behind her and grinning
from ear to ear.
"I just don't know
about this...you mean, you want me to put my pole entz there?"
Howard was shaking now.
"Not yet, you
little devil! Now let me show you..." But suddenly, Bethany let out
a scream, and fell to the ground. Something heavy had grabbed her
and fallen on top of her. She was being smothered! Howard was
getting away!
"Oh, I'm sorry
Bethany. I didn't recognize you! Wow, nice outfit. Where was
Howard going?"
"I don't know,
Hortman," the President sneered in disgust. "Why are you here?"
"I guess I've been
here since June," Jason said with a look of amazement. "Wow, Andrew
sure can get you drunk can't he?"
"Where were you?
We never saw you here!"
"Oh, I woke up
under the Hall -- apparently I just ran right through the stucco
when I was trying to impersonate an elephant -- a neat Republican
trick I learned. By the way, it was a rat that died there a while
ago -- I met his cousins."
Bethany got up and
brushed herself off. She walked to the door, which stood wide open,
and picked up the tie that Howard had dropped during his frantic
escape. Draping it around her neck, she sighed, "I don't have much
time left here, but I will get some young Demosthenian meat before
I'm through. Maybe that Shumaker kid will succumb to my
seductions..."
Until next week, I
am your faithful and frightened Secretary, |
University of Georgia 