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A long time ago,
in a quadrangle not so far away, sat an abominable worm. It was
green, with a long tail, but no eyes (they had been shot out years
ago) and an ENORMOUS mouth. It lounged between two of the columns
of its squalid shack called the Heap, and thus he was known as Jabba
the Heap. Despite his repulsiveness, he had attracted quite a
following. A throng of gruesome creatures, all with their own
grotesque features and fitting names: Burnt Rice had a dark brown
complexion and a ridiculously oversized nose to match his ego;
Frankfurter Gerson had a carpet of fiber on his face and an
unsightly bulge in his pants all the time; and not to forget, The T.
Kyle Kingy-thingy, with a beak that could gouge out anyone's eyes --
if he were tall enough to reach them. He was also known for his
evil, wicked, and not-so-intimidating laugh.
This pile of filth
was not entirely benign. Occasionally they would venture out and
harass other beings on the quad. But they particularly liked to
bother a group on the other side of the galaxy. Made up of the
finest warriors in the universe, the Heap was no match for them.
For whatever reason, however, they never learned.
They had been
moderately successful of late, however. Finding one of the enemy
lounging on a neutral planet, they had encased him in a column of
frozen beer (they didn't know they were supposed to drink the stuff)
and displayed their catch outside their lair. The Demo Alliance
prepared their strategy to recover their lost comrade.
"O.K., Leo
Calrissian will dress up as one of them -- he's got the hair for it,
and they're dumb enough not to ask questions," Chief Van Skywalker
ordered. "Besides, they're always hard up for new members."
"Yeah, good idea,"
agreed Princess Polentz, who was eager to recover one of her young
male soldiers. "What do I do?"
"You just tag
along and look pretty," Chief said. "The men over there don't know
what a real woman looks like, and you'll stun them into submission."
"Screw that!" the
Princess raged, slapping Van Skywalker unconscious. "I'm not putting
myself on display for that bunch of slime. Now I'm in charge of
this mission."
All members of the
Alliance sat in stunned silence, and listened intently to their
imposing leader's demands.
"Willy-C3PO, you
and R2DShu scoot on over there and scout out the situation," Polentz
said.
"Oh, I'm not so
sure if that's in our long-term strategic interest, Madame," Willy-C
began. "I believe a more tangential attack involving high-powered -
OHhhhh!"
The Princess
switched off the protocol droid's power switch and watched in glee
as he fell to the floor. "I wish I'd found out about that a long
time ago! OK, crew, here's our plan..."
The meeting was
called to order at 7:41. The minutes were read and approved with no
changes. There were 12 first-time guests and 3 second- or
third-time guests. Two alums, Ms. Jennifer Sullivan and Mr. Robert
Gasaway, attended the meeting this evening. Mr. Choi was
appointed critic, and the Society moved into Committee Reports.
Mr. Pyrdum
spoke as Adlatus to announce the new policy of restricting Committee
Reports to those announcements by committee chairs that had to be
acted on by the Society. He also clarified speaking and questioning
procedures for our many guests (and some of our members).
Mr. Hortman
rose to present two rental contracts for the Society's approval, one
of those being a renewal of SGA's usage of the Hall for their
meetings. Both were approved by the Society.
Mr. Sirak
announced that, due to several unforeseen commitments, he would be
unable to perform his duties as Sgt. At Arms and offered his
resignation. Madame President scheduled a special election to be
held the following week to fill the vacancy.
The Society moved
through Old Business and entered New Business, where Mr. Stuart
took the floor and exposed to the Society the moral outrage of the
death penalty, presenting the following:
Be It Resolved:
Each of us has the right to forgive those who injure us, but no one
has the right to forgive those who injure another person.--Simon
Wiesenthal
Respectfully submitted,
Andrew H. Stuart
Mr. Carswell
opposed the resolution, saying that it absurdly forces us to
equate ourselves with criminals. He granted that we all have our
own lines at which we believe one's life is forfeited, but he said
that the current line that allows us to kill scum is a good one.
Mr. Hortman
agreed with the presenter, declaring the death penalty as wrong and
anathema to everything upon which our country was founded. However,
in both theory and practice, the resolution itself is refuted in
every regard.
Ms. Tomlinson
reminded us that if he was allowed, the father of the prominent
example, Polly Klaas, would have killed her murderer. She said that
until we have practical justice that allows us to live under laws
that reflect our ethics, we will always have the death penalty.
Mr. Pyrdum
started a revolution in this debate when he suddenly noticed that
the resolution isn't really about the death penalty. He argued that
the resolution is really a choice between anarchy and government,
and that those who enjoy order should oppose the resolution.
Mr. Hodgins,
continuing his recent trend of working objectivism into every
speech, maintained that it is the place of society to make moral
decisions, for someone must. He went further, saying that our
reticence to kill in the name of justice makes us criminals.
Mr. Shumaker
said that real life is just a series of things that people do
because they "just are" or "just work." He explained society's
norms as an aggregate of these individual actions and motives, and
stated that we must preserve this equilibrium to preserve justice.
Mr. Bowman
told us that while moral decisions come from people, the government
still has a distinct moral identity. The higher authority of
government gives greater weight to the moral decisions of
government, and with this comes a greater responsibility to make the
right choice.
Mr. Smith
ended the debate by arguing that governments have no moral
standards, but instead simply act in a practical and declaratory
manner. The lack of respect shown for the laws and life itself in
capital cases justifies retributive action.
The question was
called and failed 0-10.
Mr. Van Meter
took the floor next to recognize Tracy Chapman as a worthy poet and
speak out against oppressive control in relationships. He presented
the following:
Be It Resolved:
"I don' wan' no one to squeeze me / They might take away my life."
--- Tracy Chapman
Respectfully submitted,
Ryan J. Van Meter
When Mr.
Brantley rose next, I am unsure as to whether he or the person
taking notes went berserk, but I will do my best with this account.
He noted that long relationships suck, and he respects those of us
who can last more than a year. Wondering if she was the one, he
said he was afraid of becoming a trembling old man. He also
ascribes to the Silver Bullet Theory. Uh-huh.
Mr. Stuart,
the man who took the above notes, agreed by saying that you don't
want to hold on to someone so tight that you scare them off. He
also told us that he liked to have his chain yanked when he was 16,
but that he has since grown out of it. He instead yanks the
collective chain of the Society, I suppose.
Ms. Sullivan,
alumnus, said that squeeze is bad in a relationship and should be
avoided at all costs. She further explained that she classifies men
into two categories: those who she really loves, and those she would
like to see napalmed.
On that note, the
question was called, and passed 8-4.
Mr. Hortman
explained that our current political parties are not representative
of the country, as there are extremists in each party. He presented
the last resolution:
Be It Resolved:
Due to growing extremism in both parties, the two-party system has
failed the voters of the United States.
Respectfully submitted,
Jason Hortman
Mr. Garrison
rebutted that we already have a multiparty system, but the public
has chosen to make it a two-party system at the ballot box. He
opposed the resolution.
Mr. Brantley
took the floor, saying that in today's technologically advanced
society, the electoral college is obsolete. Systems such as this
which have become obsolete must be changed.
Ms. Polentz
descended from her throne to respond to disagree with a previous
speaker, noting that we don't really have a choice in the current
two-party system. She said that it is hopelessness and disgust, not
apathy, that is the pervasive feeling of the electorate toward our
political system.
Mr. Stuart
disputed the previous speaker's claim of hopelessness, stating that
every person can make a difference in the system. Even within a
party, members are not required to follow its stated ideals.
Ms. Tomlinson
expressed concern that all the freaks are currently in power, and
attributed this to the growing ideological nature of politics. She
disagreed with the resolution, however, saying that it took an
extreme position.
Mr. Weir,
guest, brought up the chaos that some multiparty systems endure, and
compared it to the stability that good ol' American gridlock
engenders. He also encouraged those present to read Federalist #10.
Mr. Carswell
said that changing the number of parties in America is an insane
idea. He agreed that the system is flawed, but reminded us that
historically countries have gravitated to a two-party system.
Mr. Stubbs
took the floor and, in pure Stubbsian fashion, turned an utterly
nonpartisan resolution into an opportunity to bash donkeys and
parade the Republican banner. He argued that Democrats were
responsible for every national disaster, natural and man-made, since
the beginning of time.
Mr. Pyrdum
tried to shovel the lectern out from under the load that had been
dropped upon it by the previous speaker, and then used said load as
an example of what is wrong with the two party system. While it
does simplify the election process, the system fails when its
participants focus more on what the party was rather than the
choices placed before them at the time.
Mr. Hodgins
agreed with Mr. Pyrdum just to avoid agreeing with Mr. Stubbs. He
stated that the country has prospered under a two-party system, and
to call it a failure would be political deconstructionalism.
Mr. Shumaker
spoke of Madison's fear of interest-bearing parties that would
inevitably try to screw each other. Calling for smaller, more
issue-oriented groups, he said that parties contain too many
interests to be useful.
Mr. Van Meter
rose to refute the previous speaker's position, arguing that
Madison's participation in the two-party system showed tacit
agreement with it. He reminded the Society of the Federalist
Papers, where Madison described the federal government as a
safeguard against faction, and he suggested that political parties
had the same effect on faction in the political process.
The question was
called and failed 9-3.
Mr. Choi gave his
critic's report, and the meeting adjourned at 10:47.
Han Stuart led the
charge across the quad, with the entire fleet of the Demo Alliance
in tow. As he approached the Heap, he heard the Kingy-thingy laugh
wildly in the distance. The Heap knew they were coming. There was
no attempt at interception, however, and the group stopped on the
lawn outside the slime-covered steps of the hovel.
"Oohh-gah-beeg-i-dah-wah, Demosthenians!" groaned Jabba.
"Yeah, Jabba,
we're here to take our pal Hortman back, and nothing's gonna stop
us," Stuart proclaimed.
Again, the
Kingy-thingy erupted in wild laughter, but this time, Carlbacca the
Wookie took the disgusting animal by the legs and, displaying the
wonders of centripetal force, hurled it through the window of the
next building. "That's your physics lesson for the day," Carlbacca
roared.
This attack began
a melee of fighting, but it lasted all of 30 seconds as the soldiers
of the Heap proved no match for the Alliance.
After Jabba's
minions had fled into the confines of their hovel, the dust settled
and several sights emerged. Leo Calrissian was laying on his back,
dazed by the experience and wondering if he really WAS a Heaper.
Han Stuart was busy freeing Hortman from his prison, licking
uncontrollably at the monolith of frozen beer. Most telling of all,
however, was Princess Polentz, mounted upon the foul worm that had
once professed to rule the quad, with her whip around its throat,
choking the breath out of it. The Demo Alliance triumphs again.
Respectfully
submitted on this 3rd day of October, 1996,
Ryan J. Van Meter
Secretary |
University of Georgia 