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Once upon a time there was this
woman and she was really pretty and wore red and stuff and she was
like looking in her closet for some fishnet hose and it was really
cold and she just suddenly fell through the closet. There was snow
everywhere and she thought she’d have to burn puppies to stay warm
but then Confucius drove up in a sled and there was this white
chicken in underwear pulling the sled. Then there was a lion and
HEY I’m a lion ….
Hi I’m Leo Hudson. I woke up this
morning and it was like yeah, I’m the Secretary of the Demosthenian
Literary Society. WHOA, man, talk about pressure. Can I make
decrees form up here? Do I get to order people around? Cool, like
“BRING ME THE HEAD OF COURTNEY LOVE!” What? Oh, attached or
unattached? Gosh, I don’t know. There was this bald pizza guy at
my house the other day and it was like, WOW, I’m on Star Trek!
Stardate Log ….
Who am I again? Wow. Where did all
of you come from? What time is it? It’s after 7:00? My watch was
like upside down. You know I had this dream last night and there
was this huge thing looming over me and it was like Phil’s jaw. It
was so square and then I started thinking about my brother. I am my
sister. In slides, I can’t tell the difference. My brother Donna
Shillington is out there somewhere, she’s got enough soul to make up
for any of you that have lost yours ….
Oh, Hey! I’m Leo Hudson. At least
I was the last time I checked, I think. I like playing tennis with
women. Especially if I get to be the ball. Hey! Did y’all notice
we just moved into the 21st century? I’m the Secretary.
It took forever to get up here but this time I got smart. This
quarter will be different. Last quarter there was a paper weight up
here and before that a lead pencil with hair. It’s so weird. I
fixed those doorstops so they couldn’t run, though. This is just
gonna be so wild as long as we keep the dogs out.
Cheong scattered rose petals as the meeting came to order. Mr.
Shumaker, champion of the blue droids, was chosen as the critic.
Mr. Hortman repetitioned and was accepted back into the fold and all
the sheep went crazy. In Committee Reports we got to hear Mr. Van
Meter, again. He only gives a report every meeting, geez. HEY MAN,
I WANT MY SHIRT! His Librarian’s Address named all the evil
violators of Library land. I’m just waiting for Missile Envy
to come back. Mr. Bowman rose as Chief Justice and said he’d
continue the lock project if there were no objections.
Elections were next. Absentee, proxy ballots or anything like them
gained approval. Mr. Stuart began to weep bitterly as he found he
would be stripped of power, manhood, and the gavel…
Presidential nominations went to Mr. Pyrdum and Mr. Choi.
After much stumpness there were speeches and the memory of Mr.
Choi’s stunning figure got him elected. For the Office of Vice
President, Mr. Weaver and Mr. Bowman were nominated.
Mr. Bowman won and a mad dash for the appropriate attire was made by
both candidates. Many tries finally led to Mr. Hodgins,
Ms. Richie, and Mr. Shumaker receiving the nomination and
summarily the election to Judicial Council. Mr. Shumaker
rose out of the sea in an oyster shell to assume the position of the
Chief Justice.
Mr. “No New Dogs” Hudson quickly concealed, trampled or pocketed
all doorstops in sight and thus gained the office of Secretary.
Mr. Hortman was nominated for the office of Treasurer and was
summarily elected. Ms. Mingledorff and Ms. Cunningham
received nominations for Librarian and Ms. Mingledorff was
elected. All sleeping members awoke and found themselves nominated
for Custodian. Ms. Cunningham was elected despite the
powerful bids of Mr. Gable, Ms. Brignac, and Ms.
Moultrie. The office of Sergeant-at-Arms faced down Mr.
Smith, Ms. Brignac, Ms. Moultrie, Mr. Pyrdum
and Mr. Gable leaving a run off between Ms. Shillington
and Mr. Weir. Ms. “Soul Woman” Shillington was
elected.
The new officers were sworn in and
Mr. Shumaker, friend of the obscene short man (check his best
friend), beeped and whistled a critic’s report. The Society couldn’t
determine whether they had gotten Princess Choi or the Emperor in
disguise but they adjourned with relief that the evil tyrant, Dark
Stuart, was dethroned and back among the dogs. OH WAIT, sorry no
dogs, no dog.
I was awake the
other day and I was thinking, “Hey man, Ryan could be the next
Ralph Reed.” But, NO, not enough green. There just isn't enough
green and green is yellow so you know you gotta have that. There
are all these men trying to whitewash America, they must be CRs or
something but you gotta have color, geez man. I think Mike Shumaker
looks like Gumby when he dances. Clay bodies are cool. I want to
make you ONE promise. No mention of small farm animals in the
minutes, at least not many. I've been a chicken and you just gotta
know what its like.
What was my, OH
yeah- I'm Leo Hudson your new Secretary and this is gonna be a
really fun quarter!!
Respectfully
submitted this 13th day of March in the year 1997,
Read by
incoming Secretary Leo Hudson and authored on little sleep by
Rebecca Richie.
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