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Here are some
exciting coming attractions from: Demosthenian Home Video!
Move over Mrs. Doubtfire . . . Mr. Choi. star of such films as
The Black Hole and Shaft plays an out-of-work father, who
must raise 3 children on his own while running an entire society on
Thursday nights. Say hello to President Morn! You'll laugh
yourself ga-ga, as “the lovely” Mr. President is forced to leave
meetings early to buy Pampers for Ms. Ramirez, and is finally caught
sitting behind the bench naked from the waist down. And just what
happens when Demosthenian males discover that he is indeed not a
female member? You’ll have to watch and see!
Also starring:
Mr. Stuart as the 5-year old, Ms. Richie as the bratty 3-year old,
and Ms. Brignac as the babe Mr. Pyrdum as the clumsy waiter, Mr.
Gable as “Big Jirn Slade,” and the capital of North Dakota is
Bismarck!
“It’s . . .
It’s really quite amusing raves Dr. Parkes to the London Terrier.
“It’s not
really that funny!" shouts Mr. Bowman of the Bronx Zoo.
“I object!”
hails Mr. Hodgins of the New York Yankee.
For the best in
bad comedy, you can cast your vote for the man who looks better in a
dress than . . . well . . . than he looks in anything else!
President Mom.
(Rated PG-13,
offer not available in mainland China, some assembly required.)
Also available
from Demosthenian Home Video:
From the always
controversial Ms. Mingledorff, comes the action event. of last
Thursday:
Don't Call
Us Sistas. Starring Ms.
Shillington, fresh from the hits The Brother from Another Planet
and Shaft as a woman on the edge, trying to right the
society’s wrongs, armed only with a blood-soaked ball-point pen and
a taste for vengeance. With Ms. Moultrie, Ms. Baker, and Ms.
McKinney as her loyal hench-women. They may be quiet on the
outside, but inside they’re boiling over with lusty, Violent,
RAGE! Also starring: Mr. Hortman as the rookie ex-CR, just looking
for a break, Mr. Van Meter as his experienced, hard-nosed partner,
Mr. Weaver as “Shaft,” Mr. Pyrdum as the clumsy waiter and a host of
dead Demosthenian
“Better than
Star Trek!” extols Mr. Smith.
“Not funny at
all.” hiccups Mr. Bowman.
“I object!”
objects Mr. Hodgins.
For the movie
with all the action: “You'll take the Sgt.-at-Arms chair,
over my dead body!”
drama:
“Mr. President, that is a statement!”
suspense:
“Where are Robert’s Rules? What are we going to do?”
sex:
and violence: (see Mr. Choi’s
suit) look no further than . . .
Don’t Call
Us Sistas. If you think
we’re related. You’re in the wrong society.
(Rated NC-17
with 7.2% APR financing while supplies last, and the capital of
North Dakota is still Bismarck.)
Stay tuned
after our Feature for a special offer from Demosthenian Home Video.
And now, our
Feature Presentation . . .
The Meeting was
called to order at 7:35. Three first-time guests rose and were
subsequently lauded Ms. Richie was appointed critic. Two long-time
guests, Mr. Hodges and Mr. Miller petitioned the Society for
membership and were accepted.
Mr. Bowman rose in committee reports
to report on committee commitment. Mr. Hortman rose to give the
finance committee report and to tell the fabled travels of the
Hall's copy of College Life in the Old South. His report was
approved.
In Old Business: Mr. Bowman rose to
tell us the rules, and to present the society with Dr. Logue's
article on Damn Yankee Literary Societies. Mr. Hodgins was sworn in,
belatedly as an Associate Justice.
In New Business: Mr. Pyrdum rose to
grapple with the true story of the Brickheap Award and to present:
Be It Resolved, President Clinton
will be the recipient if the Winter Quarter Brickheap for his
premature and ill-thought-out call for a moratorium on human cloning
research.
Be It Further Resolved, the
Secretary will send Mr. Clinton two cloned letters informing him of
his dubious distinction.
Respectfully,
“Science” Carl Pyrdum.
Mr. Stuart rose to become morally
reprehensed by human cloning. He said that within a year to two
years, we would have the technology to clone human beings, and urged
the society to look morally at the decision.
Mr. Van Meter disagreed with the
previous speaker over possibilities of uses for human clones, told
an interesting story of a guy stuck in a woman's latrine, and argued
that the Brickheap award would have more effect if not given to
government entities.
Mr. Gable supported the resolution,
and said because something might lead to something else, does
not necessarily make it so. He explained that 90 days does indeed
equal 3 months.
Mr. Miller rose to support cloning
in general. He says options should remain open to science-fact,
rather than science-fiction.
Mr. Hodgins rose to oppose the
resolution because Clinton has done stupider things. He says trying
to stop progress is impossible.
Mr. Bowman wasn’t really supporting
it, but wasn't really opposing it, either. It is ridiculous to ban
something no one is doing.
Dr. Parkes says that at least
Clinton talks in complete sentences, and that there are enough
clones around already, but he wouldn't mind one or two more. There
was also something about crazed ex-football coaches.
Mr. Pyrdum rose again to support his
own resolution. He is sure that there is no human cloning going on
now, and that it is difficult to pin down exactly what human cloning
research is.
Mr. Hudson said
that a politician’s job is empty speech and that Clinton is good at
his job. He also said that we should use any means to better human
life.
The question
was called and the resolution failed 6-7.
Mr. Van Meter rose to speak
affectionately of Dr. Barks’ creative writing class, yet he could
not stand the infusion of politics with poetry and presented:
Be It Resolved,
Poetry and Politics do not mix. Respectfully submitted, Ryan J. Van
Meter.
--Sometime
later, a friendly amendment was made to add the word “Polemical”
before the word “Politics,” but I don’t know when.
Mr. Hodges said that political
poetry is essential, that the greatest of poems, even Humpty Dumpty,
started out as political in nature.
Mr. Shumaker says “I have a dream”
is a hymn, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a poet, and that the best
political poems wash around you.
Mr. Stuart says the presenter was
fundamentally flawed. Poetry came from politics, all poetry is
political.
Mr. Gable presented two slippery
slopes: either poetry in a vacuum or classifying everyone as a
special interest poet of some sort. He doesn’t like either slope.
Mr. Hodgins cited the Aeneid,
one of history's greatest poems, and overtly political. Politics is
timeless, he says. He also cited Eliot’s The Hollow Men.
Mr. Pyrdum is not really Noah
Webster. We should analyze what we mean by poetry, and that we need
to elevate it beyond politics.
Mr. Hudson gave a strange analogy to
science-fiction and said that poems should not be made into stump
speeches.
The question
was called and the resolution failed 3-5.
Mr. Gable told of a debate in New
York over what type of bullets to use for police officers. He said
they should probably switch to hollow points because they are safer
to bystanders than full metal jackets. He presented:
Be It Resolved, Police officers
should be armed at least as well as the criminals that they face.
Sincerely, Philip Gable.
Mr. Stuart says he agrees we should
use force strongly and safely, but disagrees on lethal hollow
points.
Mr. Hudson presents yet another
slippery slope argument comparing the resolution to the arms race.
Mr. Pyrdum recounted the story of
his father’s shooting and says that lethal force is not a question
of guilt, but a question of what type of threat the assailant poses.
Mr. Miller stressed his libertarian
views and said that the police use of hollow points may be a
question of tax dollars.
Mr. Hodgins spoke of his travels to
Venezuela and how heavily armed the police are. He also detailed the
relative inaccuracy of the hollow point bullet.
Mr. Hodges said that we should
better control the weapons that criminals have rather than matching
them tit-for-tat. He says hollow points are perverse forms of the
death penalty.
Ms. Mingledorff recounted a story of
hunting turkeys with an elephant gun, and said that we are raising a
generation of children for which guns are a way of life.
Ms. Shillington said that lethal
force is not necessary all the time, but says that when it is
needed, hollow points are more effective, and non-criminal citizens
are safer.
Mr. Bowman actually spoke on the
resolution. What for? He answered the presenter’s questions and said
that wit the general increase in firepower, more people would be at
risk.
The question
was called and the resolution failed 2-6.
The Society
moved to adjourn at 11:11 subject to Ms. Richie’s critic’s report.
From
Demosthenian Home Video and Schtump! Records comes the album that
absolutely no one is talking about: All Night Meeting: The
Soundtrack. Hear your favorite songs by Dernosthenians past and
present. You'll hear:
--Mr. Heath
(alumnus) singing “It’s Raining Men”
--Mr. Choi
singing “The Lady in Red” and by request “I Touch Myself”
--Mr. Stuart
singing “Like a Virgin” and a special recording of “Do You Really
Want to
Hurt Me” live
from the House of Sexual Terror.
--Mr. Gable
singing “I'm Too Sexy (for my shirt)”
--Ms. Brignac
singing “Whip It Good” live from the House of Sexual Terror.
--and even Mr.
Hudson singing “Do the Funky Chicken” soon to be released as an
exercise
tape.
We know you'll
enjoy All Night Meeting: The Soundtrack, and recommend it to
your worst enemy. Available now for just $18.95, wherever
8-tracks are sold.
This has been a Demosthenian
Production.
Submitted
Respectfully on this Third day of April, Nineteen Hundred Ninety
Seven,
Leonard D.
Hudson, Secretary.
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University of Georgia 