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That's right
Mr. President, Ms. Richie is really . . . your brother! (Dramatic
Beat)
And now, a few
words from our sponsors:
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--- the virile Mr. Gable
So run out and
get your Uncle Choi’s today! The taste grabs you and Ms.
Shillington makes you stay!
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Mr. Clean vs.
Mr. Pyrdum, tonight on WCW, World Championship Wrestling!
(static)
Nothing gets to
you, staying fresh staying cool! Ms. Moultrie, fresh, and full of
life!
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Sunday! Sunday!
Sunday! Coming to the newly erected Turner Field, ONE NIGHT ONLY!
It’s the once-in-a-lifetime Demosthenian Monster Truck
Rally-Rally-Rally!!! SEE Mr. Choi’s innocent white hatchback
TRANSFORM into The Volvo of Death! Mr. Stuart CHOPS UP all the cars
he’s ever driven and creates the INHUMAN Frankenstein’s Volkswagen!
Ms. McKinney trades in her bus pass to drive the LEGENDARY Bigfoot,
King of Monster Trucks! Also, built by the amazing Ms. Mingledorff
and controlled by a 12 FOOT HIGH pipe organ: it’s DEFORMED, it’s
MAD, it’s The Phantom of the Mud Bog! And don’t miss, ONE NIGHT
ONLY, Mr. Guy as Truck-Zilla! Tickets on sale by Ticketmaster all
week long! ONE NIGHT ONLY! It’s the once-in-a-lifetime Demosthenian
Monster Truck Rally-Rally-Rally! Be there!
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A pipe bomb
exploded tonight at a College Republicans meeting on the campus of
UGA. The FBI have no leads as yet, but then quickly added... It’s
Mr. Hortman. Tonight on Action News.
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The meeting was called to order at
7:30 in the PM. Two first-time guests were recognized and clapped
down. Two second or third-time guests were likewise recognized. Mr.
Stuart was appointed critic.
President Choi, as part of his
Spring Quarter Objectives address to the society, stated that we
were a society on the cusp, and said that we must undergo a massive
decultification of the society, beginning with stepped-up publicity
and hopefully ending with invigorating debate and many new members.
He also reminded us to remember the hall restoration efforts and to
support the intersociety debate team.
In Committee Reports, Ms.
Shillington rose to remind the members of the open house that would
be today. Mr. Hortman presented the finance committee report, and
the hall preservation report. $280 was approved for the PR
committee. Mr. Shumaker told all that Mr. Hodgins is indeed not
returning to the society and no longer a justice. Also said that the
debate team was decided and told all the criteria that went into the
decision. Mr. Van Meter rose on behalf of the softball team, urged
members to sign up and think of a name. Chief, “Wampum!” Ms. Brignac
rose on behalf of the alumni relations committee and, also announced
a secret meeting of women in the society, yes: coven Demosthenian,
at some later date. For what reason? You may not want to know.
In Old Business, Mr. Bowman reminded
us of the activities fair and makeshift debate on Tuesday. Also
called for members to sign up for committees and told of historic
homes and Gardens tour the next Saturday. Ms Mingledorff presented
the hardcover copy of College Life in the Old South that WILL NOT
leave the hall. Two more paperback editions were also donated and
can be checked out. Mr. Hortman rose to say that the hall was rented
out for a wedding on that Saturday.
In New
Business, Mr. Van Meter rose and said that two stupid things
happened this week, stupid enough to warrant the infamous Brick Heap
award. He was a real man, and chose, over the testosteroni
Norwegians, to present: Be it resolved, The Spring Quarter Brickheap
Award shall be given to Heaven’s Gate for their abrupt entry into an
alternate state of being (i.e.: they’re dead). Be it Further
Resolved: The Secretary shall e-mail the group’s website to notify
any stragglers of their dubious honor before they depart into the
cosmos. Respectfully Submitted, Ryan J. Van Meter, Philip Gable,
Nancee E. Tomlinson
Mr. Hortman rose to agree with the
presenter. Said that the leader of the cult looked plain scary.
Mr. Pyrdum rose to disagree with the
speaker. Said that all religions are the same and that you can’t
understand being castrated and eating pudding unless you arc
indoctrinated into it. Besides, wackos wouldn't understand a letter.
Mr. Gable Said web-geeks care, No
offense. But if we send a letter to them, we will definitely
irritate somebody. Agreed with resolution.
Mr. Hudson said that he would be
scared that aliens might want to harm him if he writes the letter.
too much X-files, maybe?
Ms. Shillington said that the
Heaven’s Gate people weren’t all that crazy, then lambasted the
“testosteroni” men in Mr. Van Meter’s other resolution.
Mr. Smith reviewed the
qualifications for what is a “cult”, and said that the Heaven’s Gate
was more of a “religious belief.” He feared the labeling of other
religious beliefs as cults and claimed the Norwegian guys were
stupider.
Mr. Shumaker talked about Dr. Will
Power, and cited an example to show that whatever you believe helps
you live a better life is OK, and not necessarily stupid.
Mr. Weir said Heaven’s gate is/was
not a religion. Religions are sacred and special, but Heaven’s Gate
people were stupid. “We should spit on them.” Supported
resolution.
Mr. Brantley said he has never seen
anyone rise from the dead, and also that we cannot judge others for
their religious beliefs. Said the Heaven’s Gate folks are more
rational than those drunkards downtown. I resemble that remark.
Mr. Miller said that we were made to
be individualistic (i.e.: selfish), also we’re made to be social.
said Heaven’s gate people were acting rationally.
-- At this time, the other
resolution was presented, to be voted on following the first. It
read: Be it Resolved, The Spring Quarter 1997 Brickheap Award shall
be awarded to the group of Norwegian males who turned to
self-mutilation and ultimately decapitation with a chainsaw to prove
their manhood, and Be it Further Resolved, The secretary shall
determine the exact origin of the story and send a letter to the
local newspaper, notifying them of their citizen’s dubious honor.
Respectfully Submitted, Ryan J. VanMeter.
Ms. Brignac rose to say that
religion has 2 parts, history and faith. Said a cult is a religion
and we should respect their faith.
Mr. Gable rose to say that he was an
iguana. and that his religion had a porpoise.
The question
was called and the first resolution failed 6-7, the second
resolution passed 8-5.
Mr. Bowman rose to lament waiting
for the presentation of his resolution. Talked about getting mad at
his television and at the newspapers. He presented: Be it resolved,
The Dallas Morning News’ printing of alleged Timothy McVeigh defense
documents constitutes a dangerous abuse of the freedom of the press.
Respectfully Submitted, Derek Bowman.
Mr. Van Meter rose to say that the
government doesn't have the right to stop the printing of
controversial material, but that prudence is needed, by the press
and the viewing public. We all must take responsibility to push
ourselves back up the “slippery slope.”
Mr. Hortman said the previous
speaker proved the point of the resolution, and that the published
documents may be damaging personally to McVeigh, let alone to his
trial. Definitely a dangerous abuse.
Mr. Miller rose to agree with the
intent, but disagree with the wording. Said unscrupulous journalism
doesn't really hurt society as a whole.
Ms. Cunningham agreed that the media
is not really interfering with Mr. McVeigh, and that individual
journalists are not damaging to the case. Said that if a large
group of people got angry about smut in the newspapers, it would
change. But they don't.
The question was called and the
resolution passes 12-2
Mr. Pyrdum rose to read from Terry
Pratchett. We all fly on the back of the great turtle. Said we must
battle chaos. He presented: Be it Resolved, Relativism will get you
nowhere. Respectfully Submitted, Carl S. Pyrdum III.
Mr. Hortman said that running your
life on absolutes is dangerous. “Pure” relativism may be just as
dangerous, but we need a mix of both. America was built on a form of
relativism: Compromise.
-- After this,
Mr. Pyrdum presented a friendly amendment to add the word “pure”
before the word “relativism”.
Ms. Cunningham said nothing.
Mr. Smith rose as an Aristotelian,
but in the absence of knowledge believes that it is vain to assume
we can define the forms. He said that there may be many facets to
the absolute, but there is one.
Mr. Miller agrees with the previous
statement, and used the presenter's handwriting to prove his point.
He believes in a lot of things ending in “ism”.
Mr. Tester (guest) rose to say that
the concept of pure relativism is a paradox.
Mr. Hudson rose to say that pure
relativism is the path to Heaven’s Gate, but not absolutely. Said
that relativism helps us to learn and grow as people.
Mr. Gable went on a Star Wars Trip
with absolutes, and said that multiculturalism disproved relativism,
which is true, “from a certain point of view.”
Mr. Choi stated that all humans
share absolutes, such as, if he pokes you really hard, you’ll bleed.
No comment.
The question was called and the
resolution passed 11 - 1, me, Al Frankin
Mr. VanMeter rose next to say that
Spring quarter 1969 had lots of famous guests, but not much debate.
Also, that Dr. Saye reinstituted an institution by donating 250
books to the library in that same year. He Presented: Whereas, his
contributions to the collection formed the bedrock for the
re-establishment of one of our greatest resources: our library, Be
it Resolved: The library of the Demosthenian Literary Society shall
heretofore be named the Albert B. Saye Memorial Library. Be it
further Resolved: A plaque or sign shall be obtained and displayed
in the library reading thus, as a testimonial to Dr. Saye’s
contributions to both the library and the society as a whole.
Respectfully submitted, Ryan J. Van Meter, Ann Marie Mingledorff,
Jason C. Hortman.
Mr. Hortman
said Dr. Saye was responsible for the society that we have today.
Agreed with the presenter
The question
was called and the resolution passed 13-0
Mr. Miller rose to inform the
society that ignorance comes from a lack of information. He
presented: Be it resolved, Fear is the mindkiller. Submitted, Billy
Miller.
Motion was made and
accepted to send the resolution to programs committee for possible
roll-call debate topic.
Motion was then made and accepted to
adjourn at 11:05, subject to Ms. Shillington’s substitute critic’s
report.
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Save! Save!
Save! That’s right folks, it’s Sale-o-mania time again at Brantley
Toyota, Nissan, and Edsel. Hi, I’m Mr. Brantley here with my lovely
assistant Mr. Shumaker and my dog Leo, and we got cars for
everybody! Men, women, dogs, aunts, uncles, and Ms. Richie. If
you’re a Brickheaper, we’ve got the largest selection of Gremlins,
Pacers and Pintos in the Southeast. For you WICAN’s we've got 20 of
the latest model brooms, priced just right. Sorry debaters, our
prices are not negotiable, but our safety standards are! That’s
Brantley Toyota, Nissan and Edsel. Tell ‘em how to get here Leo.
Woof! Woof!
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Ever get that
not so fresh feeling?
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If you don't
have a parachute.
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Cheeser!
Cheeser!
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Watch Ms.
Cunningham explains it all, weeknights on...
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. . . bloating,
irritation . . .
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Head for the
mountains of . . .
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Who knows what
they put in store bought sausage!
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Pepsi . . .
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. . . they keep
going and going and . . .
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(click)
Respectfully
submitted this Tenth day of April, Nineteen Hundred Ninety Seven,
Leonard D.
Hudson, Secretary
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University of Georgia 