|
And now, stay tuned for Action News at
11, with Dick Loach, Kermit the Frog, Sports with Coach Gable and
that Wacky Weather Guy, Mr. Bowman. Indecisive, Inconclusive,
Incomprehensible. Action News.
Hello, I’m Dick Loach, this is
Kermit the Frog, and this is Action News for this evening. In our
top story, Hurricane Choi has ravaged North Georgia for the past
year and a half, and its after-effects are still being felt. This
has people wondering when it will return to Florida where it
belongs. The intrepid Ms. Brignac reports. Ms. Brignac...
Thanks Dick. I’m standing on the
spot where the infamous Brickheap once stood, now, just a heap of
bricks. While no one particularly mourned this occasion, much of
UGA’s historic North Campus has seen damage from that terrible freak
of nature called Choi. Just two weeks after another bag of wind, a
Class 4 tornado named Hortman, destroyed so much, citizens are at a
loss for what to think. Local denizens had this to say:
-- Dr. Parkes,
English Professor, “It’s. . . It's not all that good, really.”
-- a tearful
Ms. Tomlinson, “Baldwin Hall was the hardest hit. Sometimes I just
wonder Why? Why?!”
-- local black
man, Ms. Shillington, “(Bleep), man, this (bleep)’n storm and all
that (bleep). Didn’t touch (bleep)’n J-School. Now I gotta (bleep)'n
go to (bleep)'n class? (Bleep)! Mother (bleep) coulda at least
gone to (bleep)’n South Campus.
With North Campus at a stand-still,
and Hurricane Choi still defiling the area, Mr. Smith could not be
happier, although plans are underway to rename the remaining section
of the University Georgia Tech. This has been Ms. Brignac
reporting. Back to you, Dick.
Thanks, babe. In farther
developments, the departure of Hurricane Choi brings another
potential threat, Hurricane Richie, in its wake. Local tribal Chief
Ryan Van Meter reports hewing Hurricane Richie speak, saying what
sounded like: Please Baby Baby, Please Baby Baby, Please, Please.
Kermit?
Hi-Ho!
Thank You, Kermit. In other news,
there’s no end of grief at UGA, as the school of Art was taken
hostage by a group led by Ms. McKinney. She reportedly got the idea
from speaking at Demosthenian one night, and as she says, “Now, I
feel like I can do anything.” There are reports of public hangings
and burnings of Mr. Pyrdum in effigy. “They can only push me so
far,” says Ms. McKinney. A splinter group, led by Ms. Mingledorff
took over the Music school soon after.
Stay tuned for
weather and sports after these commercial announcements.
The meeting was called to order at
7:40. 4 first-time guests rose and sat. There were no second or
third-time guests. Mr. Gable was appointed critic. Ms. Yarber
petitioned for membership and was accepted.
In
committee reports: Mr. Van Meter rose as “Chief” of the Softball
team, and announced the times for the first practice and game, and
that we needed a bat. Show me the Wampum! Mr. Hortman rose as Hall
Preservations chair to announce that the drawings are nearly
complete. Mr. Shumaker rose as Chief Justice to announce the
challenge for the intersociety debate to the Brickheap and announce
the topic.
Next, there was a special election
for a replacement associate justice. Ms. Ramirez was
nominated and elected. Something about a vast knowledge of sexual
toys.
There was no old business, and in
New Business, Mr. Gable rose to NOT agree with T. Kyle King, and
instead to agree with gay marriage. He presented: Be It Resolved,
Homosexual marriage should be legally recognized in the United
States. Respectfully submitted, Philip Gable.
Mr. Stuart rose to ask why ALLOW gay
marriages since they can still be married in a church, and the only
difference is the tax breaks. Said the majority still has a say,
even in protecting the minority or else there is no more democracy.
Mr. Weaver opposes the resolution on
many grounds, but mainly, doesn't believe in marriage at all in
America. Said the government is too big and the courts are too full
of divorce cases; we don’t need more.
Mr. Weir said something about
protecting our bodily fluids before opposing the resolution. Said
that you don’t need a license to be married, really, that tax
deductions are negligible and that a family can exist without a
marriage license.
Ms. Visser said that the
Constitution guarantees rights to MOST everyone and should be
interpreted to include sexual orientation. In order to have a
democracy, we must guarantee rights to all.
Mr. Hodges said that he is gay and
that he owns no taffeta. Said that he deserves the right to get
married as much as anyone else does, and that marriage is necessary
to feel a part of the community that is America.
Ms. Tomlinson said that the State of
Georgia has already defended marriage as union between a man and a
woman. Said that this decision touches many people and was against
the resolution because it was unrealistic.
Mr. Miller said that he is a freak,
but that he was not a freak. Said that he believes in Polyamourism
and that the governnent shouldn’t license ANY marriage.
Mr. Lowe (guest) said that marriage
was originally a political practice and an economic practice. The
contract is the important thing and the government should enforce
it.
Mr. Shockley (Guest) opposed
resolution and said that it was an important issue. Said that
historical tradition is the barometer by which the Constitution
should be judged.
Mr. Hortman cited the 3/5 compromise
and segregation as times when the minority was supported by some of
the majority. Not all discrimination is bad and that there are not
a majority of people against this discrimination.
Pres. Choi (guest) said that we
can’t just follow the majority and must look out for the rights of
the entire constituency. Supported the resolution.
Mr. Pyrdum said that 51% does not
mean it’s moral. Said that we cannot define marriage and thus
cannot find answers, only more questions.
Ms. Brignac talked about symbolism.
Said that marriage is a symbol, a tangible document that symbolizes
something different to everyone.
Mr. Hudson said that heterosexuals
get married for stupid reasons and the states still recognize them.
Said something about sodomy and then that people are up in arms
because they are frightened about people they know nothing about.
Ms. Cunningham said that U.S. must
protect the minority and that we can’t argue figures and percentages
until everyone in the world knows the truth about homosexuality and
can decide for themselves.
Motion was made, question was
called, resolution passes 12-6
Mr. Weaver rose to present a
controversial candidate for honorary membership, the only person to
be fined to speech by the FCC. He presented: Be It Resolved, Howard
Stern shall become an honorary member of the Demosthenian Society.
Respectfully Submitted, Jeffrey Weaver, Sarah Visser, Carl S. Pyrdum
III
Mr. Pyrdum rose to say that Stern is
not the “King of all Media” and that his comic book doesn’t have
enough boobs. Getting people to watch you doesn’t equal
intellectual achievement.
Ms. Visser said she hates Howard
Stern, but agrees with the resolution. Said that Stern has people
hanging on his every word and is a great orator. Also said that his
persona should not be confused with the man: married, kids,
loyal.
Mr. Miller said that Stern has
integrity and doesn’t back down. Said the society should be more
open and Stern should be an honorary member.
Mr. Smith said speaking ability
should be a great consideration for honorary membership. Agreed
with resolution.
Mr. Van Meter ran down the history
of honorary membership and said that speaking ability never really
mattered. Neilson ratings are not good indicators of intellectual
attainments.
Ms. Shillington opposed resolution.
Supports someone like Justice Blackmon, who more directly defends
the first amendment.
Ms. Tomlinson said that we as a
society function in an arena where there are rules to speech. Stern
the man made money from Stern the persona.
Mr. Fonsecka rose but a motion to
table quickly usurped the floor out from under him. The resolution
was tabled 7-2.
Mr. Fonsecka, never caught unawares
without a resolution, told the story of Old Sparky, the Florida
electric chair, and how it failed to work one day and barbecued
someone. Said that this is cruel and unusual and presented: Be It
Resolved, The practice of electrocution should be stopped.
Submitted, Nishan Fonsecka.
Mr. Pyrdum says that all punishment
is infringement on someone’s right, and added that, for capital
punishment to work, it must be swift and seen by all.
Mr. Gable was confused by the terms
“Cruel and Unusual,” and said that punishment should fit the crime.
In some cases, electrocution is too kind.
Ms. Moultrie said that she is for a
more humane type of execution than electrocution, possibly the
return of the guillotine in town square.
Mr. Miller likes the guillotine idea
and said that the worst penalty is the loss of freedom.
Ms. McKinney said the attitudes of
the people who talk about the death penalty are out of whack.
Society doesn’t value human life as it should.
The question
was called, and the resolution passed 7-2.
At 11:45, a
motion was made and accepted to adjourn subject to Mr. Gable’s
critics report.
And now, your
wacky weather, with Mr. Bowman.
Hello, this is... um... Mr. Bowman
with your... um.. wacky weather. Ahem,... There’s some sun....
um... over here... and, um... some rain... over there... um...
clouds... flurries... ahem,... back to you, Dick.
Thanks, babe. Now sports with Coach
Gable.
“Well, I don’t own a whip, Ms.
Baker, but... Hello! This is Coach Gable with sports. The Lady
Bulldogs tennis team staged a coup in upsetting #1 ranked Stanford
in the finals yesterday, thanks in part to the fine play of former
high school standouts Ms. Ramirez and Mr. Stuart. Asked whether she
had an unfair advantage, Mr. Stuart claimed, “It’s the shoes,
money. Gotta be the shoes.” Back to you, Dick.
Now, for My Two Cents. With all of
the misfortune, natural and otherwise, that has threatened UGA for
the past few weeks, I only have one thing to say. As long as it
doesn't reach Park Hall, there’s no real problem with it.
And that’s the news for today. On
behalf of Kermit the Frog, this is Dick Loach saying “This is Dick
Loach saying goodnight.”
Respectfully
submitted this Seventeenth day of April, Nineteen Hundred Ninety
Seven,
Leonard D.
Hudson, Secretary
|
University of Georgia 