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Zen and the Art of Qualifying
Through Practice:
Meditations on an Open Refrigerator #2
(A beat poem, in 3 parts)
Stop!
I must throw
away
These old bad
bagels
Preen, the
Green like
Great Grass
Grows. Ahoy!
Mr. Choi (!)
and his alumna...
Wrap the boy in
butta
Chief Van Meter
slips and slides
Glides! Past
the cold soda crackers
and processed
cheese spread.
Glides! Glides!
Out the Do';
Go, Go
Van Gogh; Fly!
Butterfly...
…2, 3, 4, Stop!
Deep South
Apple Jelly!
Nt. Wt. 16
ounces
The week-old
burger bun bounces
Back/on the
Ranch/Dressing/up Mr. Shumaker
with a salt
shaker and Quaker
Oats Cream of
Wheat…
Peach Fuzz!
...2,3,4,
(minutes typed by Mike Shumaker)
The Meeting was called to order at
7:37 PM. Some first-time guests were present, and a few second and
third-time guests were present and recognized. Mr. Wright and Ms.
Thompson were in attendance briefly. Two guests, Mssrs. Stevenson
and Slone, petitioned and were accepted into membership.
During Programs, The Great One, Mr.
Choi, addressed the Society with his State of the Society speech.
He highlighted the good things that have gone on, yet asked for any
and all bad feelings to be put aside. “We are all Demosthenians
here,” spoke the President.
In Committee Reports, Mr. Hortman
stated (surprise!) that dues were indeed due, and reported the
actions of the Finance Committee, which involved the allocation of
monies for fliers and for expenses surrounding the Inter-Society
Debate. His report was approved. Ms. McKinney then rose on behalf
of the Hall Restoration Committee, and advised the Society of the
results of a Committee meeting held earlier in the week about, among
other things, the color of the walls. The vote of the committee
came out in favor of white walls, yellow trim, and wood grain
wainscot. This report was also approved. Ms. Shillington then rose
and passed out ballots and explained the voting on the Augustin
Clayton, Demosthenes, and Albert B. Saye Awards on behalf of the
Programs Committee. The voting ended Tuesday. Mr. Shumaker,
showing for the first of many times his highly medicated state, rose
and gave a brief summary of the events surrounding the Inter-Society
Debate, and then urged everybody to do something in the upcoming
Oration/Declamation. Ms. Visser rose and told the Society about her
completion of the cataloging of the Hall’s treasures for the
imminent restoration. She planned to make a video account of our
lovely things, and asked anyone if they could lend her both a hand
and a video camera. Ms. Mingledorff strutted to the lectern, and
asked for assistance and assistants in her cataloging of the Saye
Memorial Library. She mentioned that by helping her, points to a
Speaker’s Key could be earned. A rowdy rabble then surrounded her,
as point hungry Demosthenians eagerly volunteered.
Following this stuff the Society
moved into Old Business, where Mr. Weaver presented the following:
Resolved:
A house divided against itself cannot stand.
Signed,
Jeffery Weaver
Sarah Visser
Michael Weir
S. Cheong Choi
Michael Shumaker
W. Derek Bowman
Donna Shillington
Ryan Van Meter
Philip Cable
Tiffany McKinney
Becky Brignac
The presenter
stated that we should all put any and all problems with each other
out into the open, and “just get it all over with.”
Stop!
Ms. Yarber and
Heinz 57
Oh!
I have a bunion
on my toe!
…2,3,4,
Mr. Hortman rose, and stated that we
should all air our differences, and that these differences only hurt
the Society as a whole. However, airing the differences upstairs is
not a very good idea.
Mr. Van Meter stated that we should
use the resolution as a basis for downstairs conversation,
but that this resolution is inappropriate for debate in the Upper
Chamber.
The question was called, and
accepted by acclimation.
The Society then moved into New
Business, where Mr. Gable cavorted to the lectern, full of artistic
whimsy, and presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved:
The Federal Government of the United States should continue to fund
the fine arts.
Respectfully,
Philip Gable
The presenter
argued that this resolution is, in a sense, a referendum on what
type of society we want to become. Continued by stating that
federal funding aids the spread of the arts, and that this movement
is positive for all involved.
Mr. Pyrdum rose and stated that
financing the arts is the least we can do, considering all the other
things the government spends tax money on and refuses to justify.
The real question is whether or not society can do without art.
This funding should be supported.
Mr. Hortinan stated that the NEA
started out well, but was quickly taken over by extremists.
Contrary to this assertion, funding for the arts, especially in
secondary schools, is a positive investment, and contributes to
making holistically better people.
Ms. Visser stated that we should
continuing funding the arts even though some of the art is offensive
to some people. In a sense, cutting funding would spell doom for
many worthwhile programs; the returns justify the funding.
Mr. Van Meter stated that
non-government funding is as effective now as it was in the past.
It is absurd to think that all arts would die without federal
funding: there was a Renaissance in Italy after all.
Mr. Smiley (guest) asserted that the
average individual contribution to the arts is about fifty cents,
about the price of a pack of gum. In reality, the cost of funding
hurts no one, and the result of funding lies in better art that
makes us think.
Mr. Weir rose and spoke on behalf of
all the common men out there. He argued for free will - that
everyone should decide how they want there money spent on the arts,
and supported a discontinuation of public funding.
Mr. Slone, fresh from his
petitioning efforts, stated that the masses need and deserve quality
art. The popular is not always the best, and without federal
funding, some works that have the capability to “push the envelope”
would be lost.
Mr. Choi loosed himself from his
perch on the bench, and flew down to feast on the resolution. He
stated that the role of art in our nation has changed greatly, and
that commercial efforts are largely the only ones seen. As a
result, funding should be continued to allow for the cultivation of
lesser known, and possibly better artists.
Ms. Tomlinson stated that art used
to be survivalistic, as opposed to today’s pattern of those that get
the money succeed. In her opinion, the ends justify the means: a
better sense of divers.., l mean, a better picture of all other
walks of life can be gained through public funding.
Stop!
Haiku!
Collard Greens
like cash
Mr. Hortman! I
ate my
dues with
Tobasco…
…2,3,4,
Ms. Mingledorf stated that public
funding doesn’t always make the difference, that private-sector
fundraising can be very effective. Used the Atlanta Symphony
Orchestra as an example of how public participation can aid the
arts.
Mr. Stuart took the floor, and
stated that public funding was worthless because the proper
recipients for the money were impossible to decide upon and find.
Consequently, misappropriation justifies a stop in funding.
Mr. Shumaker slinked to the lectern,
and stated that the government already does do a great deal of
funding of the common man’s art, and thus the funding should
continue. Because the amounts of money affect us so minutely, the
question is ultimately moot.
The question was called, and passed
with a vote of 8 to 6.
Mr. Choi, our faithful and virile
President, took the floor on behalf of women everywhere. He
presented: Be it Resolved: Women are better off without men.
Respectfully submitted,
S. Cheong Choi
Bonny Ling
Michael Shumaker
Mr. Choi cited
three technological advances that made men even more useless to
women:
1) New and more
advanced “pleasure creating technologies,” 2) Sperm donation, and
3) Himself, the
original “Sex Machine.”
Mr. Weir stormed to the lectern and
stated that without men, women would have a hard time finding
someone to hate. Companionship is required by women.
Ms. Thompson (alumna), argued that
the world would be better off without so many women. She prefers
hanging around with men, and this need for “someone to cuddle with,”
puts her vote on the negative.
Mr. Lowe argued from the scientific
point of view. In every sense, cloning is bad for both sexes.
Ms. Ramirez, single-handedly
defeated the entire Feminist dogma with her words. She argued that
men buy dinner and cut firewood. ‘Nuff said...
Mr. Stuart, the ultimate judge of
all things male, stated that most men ARE garbage, and that since he
is not, he considers all women equals, and all other men, unequal.
Ms. Tomlinson advocated the canine
position within the framework of the resolution: She currently finds
dogs nicer to be around than either sex. She stated that women are
often prone to infighting, and are ruthless in their pursuit of men.
Mr. Shumaker babbled something about
Scotland and sheep and women and stuff... Subliminally, we all
thought that prescription drugs are the real alternative to any sort
of male/female relationship.
Mr. Gable agreed with the
resolution, and stated that less destruction would occur without
men, save during the annual White Sale at the local mall. Noted
that it is no coincidence that missiles are phallic-shaped.
Stop!
Mr. Bowman!
A man’s heart
is cold
And hard like
leftover
Chinese food
Second shelf
from the
Bottom.
Ladies,
Reheat and
Serve…
…2,3,4,
Ms. Mingledorff told of the age-old
battle of the sexes with stories of her grandparents and parents.
Afier all is said and done, men and women need each other.
Mr. Stevenson started off his new
membership with a bang as he detailed his three main interests:
Science, Scotland and Sex (Catchy, eh?). Described how his tongue
has received commendations on two separate continents, and then, for
reasons lost on this here scribe, started talking about killer
sperm...I can see the headlines now.
Mr. Wright (alumnus) stated that men
provide women with feed, water and shelter ... What else could they
really want? Consequently, women are better off with men.
The question was called, and the
resolution failed 1-9. Mr. Choi wept bitterly at his defeat.
The meeting was
adjourned at 1:09 PM, subject to Mr Magda’s Critic’s Report.
Stop!
Debate!
Followers of
Demosthenes Unite!
The broccoli
leads the whey
The Cream ...
of mushroom
Today! Lettuce
sup-plant
the head
cheese,
the imitation
bacon,
margarine
nation
over there/I
can't believe/it's not butter.
In the square
circle/the wagon
train.
Soup-Rise!
We have nothing
to lose but our
Tupperware.
Cut… the
Mustard!
Bake… the Ham!
Boil… the Rice!
Men! Women!
Ra-Men!
Demosthenian!
...2,3,4,
Submitted
Respectfully this Fifteenth day of May, Nineteen Hundred Ninety
Seven,
Michael
Shumaker, acting secretary
Leonard D.
Hudson, secretary
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University of Georgia 