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Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society
September 25th, 1997
Following an evening of stimulating
and thought provoking debate in the Hall on North Campus, our
fearless leader, the HortMan, felt as though he was flying. Never
before had he been around so many people that, well, seeing that he
is from Fitzgerald, it is safe to say that he had never seen that
many people, ever. Anyway, HortMan knew that the trip from the
Southland to Athens was worth it, for the people he saw were so
different from those back home.
It was this group of people that would
teach the HortMan some of the most important lessons he would ever
learn, especially the one they all called Stuart. Following the
sophisticated debate in the Upper Chamber, Mr. Stuart approached our
batter-fried folk hero, and introduced himself with the following:
"Hey man, I'm Lex Stuart. Do you want a beer or something?" The
HortMan didn't know what to do. He had been instructed by his
parents and the townspeople that he was to stay away from alcohol;
it was, in a sense, the Tree of Knowledge that the HortMan was
expressly forbidden to eat from. Consequently, Jason, doing what
came to him innately, shook Lex's hand, and stated, "Well, I don't
think that's my thing, but I'd really enjoy going out wherever you
go."
With this statement, Mr. Stuart knew
that he had our young hero. He had been down this road many times
before, and his followers all knew that it just a matter of time
before even the virtuous HortMan fell prey to the irresistible
compulsion to drink. With the careful grin of experience written
across his face, and his phalanx of victims lined up behind him, our
noble leader was about to face the strongest test of his fledgling
powers. Completely oblivious to his coming doom, the always
friendly HortMan began to introduce himself to the people standing
behind Lex Stuart.
The first two people he met upon
arrival at Munchie's seemed to be very similar in their attitudes;
the biggest difference between the two was that the shorter one with
the mustache had this swirly look in his eyes, evidence of the
influence of Stuart in his short Demosthenian career. The taller
one, however, seemed completely at ease, and seemed to thoroughly
enjoy the fact that his roommate did indeed have that swirly look in
his eyes. Next, the HortMan met a group of blue-blazer clad folks,
all of whom were having a very enthusiastic discussion about
welfare-reform, the decreasing quality of man, and how they were
going to overthrow the local government next week. One of these
blue-blazer boys had obviously caught fire, for a dark-haired man,
with the raddest hair in all of Camden County, leaped to the top of
the table, and began to rant and rave about how he was "Everybody's
Guy," and about how those "Commies" up in City Hall were all going
to understand the true power of the College Republicans...right
before they would be summarily executed.
The HortMan was enthralled by all of
these interesting people; never before could he even believe that
people such as the Mad Republicans and the Laid-Back Boys could even
exist. However, our hero had not seen anything yet, for from behind
the bar, a blond voice chirruped, "A new boy...For moi?"
The meeting was called to order at
7:30, and the Society was joined by a bumper crop of first time
guests including Sara Kravig, Jenny Swann, Kelly Frawley, Zeke
Bridges, and Jennifer Kauffman. During the course of the meeting,
the Society was joined by regular guests McNaughton and Fowlkes.
Mr. Scott Wells and Mr. Leo Hudson were present as alumni. Mr.
Smiley was appointed critic for the evening, and the Society moved
into Committee Reports.
Ms. Shillington scampered to the floor, and
thanked everyone who helped with the Activities Fair, and ordered
the Society to hang up flyers all over campus.
Mr. Shumaker rose and presented the Judicial
Council Minutes from Spring Quarter 1997.
Mr. Weaver called a meeting of the Programs
Committee, and asked for help from the Society in getting a head
start on Winter Quarter this quarter.
Mr. Bowman stated that the Finance Committee
approved $30 for food and flyers. This report was accepted by the
Society.
Following the Committee Reports, the
Society moved into New Business, where no creature was stirring, not
even a mouse, until the stalwart Mr. Hortman stepped down from his
high perch, and presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: Body Piercing
supports the basic morals and foundation of the United States.
Respectfully
submitted,
Jason C.
Hortman
Mr. Hortman explained himself by stating
that body piercing embodies a fundamental right of free expression,
in that it shows that you can express yourself in just about any
way, just as long as you don't hurt anyone else. Following from
this premise, body piercing depicts Americans acting autonomously;
consequently, this act can be seen as a representation of American
ideals.
Mr. Bowman called body piercing the
"mutilation of one's own body," and that the foundations of the
nation were based on limited autonomy. He explained that the
freedom of expression that was cited earlier pertained more to
speech, and that self-mutilation was probably not what the Founding
Fathers had in mind when they framed the Constitution.
Mr. Shumaker stated that though body
piercing is representative of what Americans are guaranteed by the
Constitution; however, the ability to act in this way is not at all
indicative of the nation's basic morals.
Ms. Shillington, never wanting to be
outdone, stated that she felt that body piercing was more indicative
of the American right to privacy. Who knows if you are pierced
unless you want them to know? (WE know, Donna...We all know...)
Mr. Weaver felt that body piercing
represents the decadence of the United States more than it
represents any sort of basic freedom guaranteed by the Constitution.
The question was called, and on a vote
of 9-3, the resolution failed.
Mr. Weaver quickly regained the floor, and
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: Ted Turner should not
be praised for his $1 billion gift to the United Nations.
He explained his resolution by stating that
charity starts at home, and that the money given to the U.N. could
have been better spent here at home. In effect, Ted Turner gave the
money to an undeserving charity.
Mr. Pyrdum stated that Mr. Turner did not do
the best possible act, but the donation he has promised to make is
still valuable to the world as a whole.
Mr. Bowman felt that even though Mr. Turner
could have done more, he should not be judged as a "bad guy" for not
doing more. He asserted that most of the criticism for Turner was
due to the jealousy of other charities that were not donated to by
Turner.
Ms. Visser stated that due to Mr. Turner's
pending tax break that will come about as a result of his gift, she
cannot personally view Turner's act as charity. In short, Turner's
gift could not be viewed as altruistic in the eyes of the speaker.
Mr. Shumaker took the floor, and explained
how Turner's gift showed how a market can really work. In short,
everybody involved in the situation is better off, and that increase
in the level of happiness must be seen as a positive.
The question was called, and failed on
a vote of 8-1.
Mr. Smiley took the floor next, and
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: Virginia's rape
shield laws violate the accused person's right to a fair trial.
Respectfully
submitted,
Adam
Smiley
Mr. Smiley explained that in the course of
the Marv Albert trial, crucial evidence was not allowed into court
that could have vindicated the defendant. Consequently, these laws
prohibit a full discussion of what actually happened.
Ms. Kauffman (guest) took the middle ground
on the resolution by stating that rape shield laws do have a place
in the courtroom, but the rights of the accuser still need to be
protected. In short, the right to privacy of the accuser is
essential to avoid putting the person who was victimized on trial.
Mr. Weaver stated that these laws protect
women, and that rights are tilted sharply to the side of the
accused.
Ms. Visser argued that the only relevant
issue in a rape trial is if the woman says no. However, due to the
lack of shield laws and the existence of many checks in the system,
it is almost impossible to convict someone of rape.
Mr. Norman felt that extremes on either side
of this issue were bad; while protecting the right to privacy of the
accused is necessary, action must be taken to allow the accused to
be presumed innocent before being proven to be guilty.
Mr. Bloomfield stated that it is impossible
to set down absolute rules concerning the admissibility of evidence,
for the submission of evidence should be relatively reciprocal. In
short, the real question is one of communication: How did the woman
say no?
Mr. Bowman conceded the fact that this issue
was a deeply emotional one, but that this emotion has gone too far,
and has begun to interfere with the court's ability to conduct an
investigation into what really happened. If one goes into the
proceedings assuming that the accused is guilty, then there is no
point in having a trial.
Mr. Pyrdum cautioned the Society about the
way we use our language concerning those involved in the trial; it
is too bold of a way to talk in ignoring the titles of accuser and
accused. If we ignore these terms, then it is useless to have a
trial at all. Mr. Pyrdum concluded by stating that the accuser's
past is relevant, and should be weighed into the ultimate decision
along with all of the other facts surrounding the case.
The question was called, and passed
5-4.
Ms. Mingledorff took the floor next, and
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: A life without heroes
is a life without direction.
Respectfully
submitted,
Ann
Marie Mingledorff
She explained that this debate was more of
one about the definition of what constitutes a hero; in her opinion,
one can base they way they live on the actions of a hero.
Mr. Weaver spoke of the lack of "father
units" in the world, and that this gap in parenting causes kids to
grow up to be thugs. He concluded by stating that a hero is not
someone that you have to look up to; instead a hero exists in
everyday life.
Mr. Bloomfield stated that we no longer make
heroes of ourselves because we look to others for inspiration. He,
personally, has no heroes, but has people that he admires.
Ms. Kravig (guest) felt that all people must
have someone that they can look up to. One doesn't have to become
the other person to emulate that person, and that this type of
relationship allows for direction to be found in many aspects of
life.
Mr. Bowman shocked the Society by stating
that he has grown too cynical to believe that any one person is a
hero. He believes that he focuses away from the shortcomings of
some people, and though he admires these people greatly, he doesn't
really want to be them.
Mr. Guy explained that a hero can be a role
model, and that everybody needs someone to give them direction in
life. The real purpose of having a hero is to find positive
characteristics in them and in others.
A person who sorta looked like Ms. Richie
took the floor and stated that heroes give a lesson in the worth of
others for they teach others positive values. In short, heroes
teach people that everybody is an individual and worthwhile by
helping to find strengths in yourself. ( OK, that was weird...I
could of sworn that Becky gave a really good speech...But it
couldn't have been her...Maybe it was her sidekick).
Mr. Pyrdum told the Society of how close we
were to losing our heroes due to the near bankruptcy of Marvel
Comics. This company made its super-heroes into people with amazing
powers. By making its characters appear more human, the reader has
a stronger bond with the character, and feels that he can relate
well with the character at hand.
Mr. Norman defined what constitutes a hero
much more broadly than most; he felt that a hero was one who does
something that has to be done. In short, fulfilling one's duties
and responsibilities is heroic.
Ms. Fowlkes (guest) stated that Society has
tried to create a hero by adding extravagant qualities to man, and
that these attempts largely miss the point. In her opinion, the
only real hero in the world is Jesus Christ.
Ms. Visser took the floor and stated that we
can only define everyday people doing everyday things for nobody
ever lives up to all ideals. However, heroes do serve as reminders
as to where we have strayed off of the path, and help us to regain
the direction we were on previously.
Mr. Shumaker stated that having many heroes
is better than having one, for all humans will let you down from
time to time. By having many people that you can depend on, one
cannot ever get far from their direction in life.
The question was called, and passed
13-3.
Mr. Wells (alum) took the floor and
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: The basic duty of the
President of a university is not fund-raising, but teaching.
Respectfully
submitted,
Scott
Wells
Mr. Wells began by stating that it is easy
for a president to forget that the university is an institute for
learning; consequently, the president should be more focused on
providing a better education to all students. This goal can be
accomplished by acting as the head of teachers, as opposed to the
chief fund-raiser.
Mr. Weaver stated that former President
Knapp was anti-student, and that this attitude was portrayed in an
overemphasis on research as opposed to the education of the
students.
In an ideal world, the president would be
entirely focused on teaching.
Ms. Mingledorff rose and stated that
teachers must lead other teachers, and that there should be a
balance between teaching and fund-raising on the university level.
However, this balance is not the reality, but the way things should
be.
Ms. McKinney told the Society of Lamar Dodd,
the former head of the Art Department at UGA. This man almost
single-handedly brought art to the South by bringing in quality
educators and raising funds. In Dodd, the balance between
administrator and educator was found.
Mr. Bowman felt that as long as the
president of a university doesn't do something really bad, then he
is personally satisfied with the job that the president is doing.
The president's job is to facilitate an environment where people can
do their jobs. In short, the president's immediate duty is to keep
things running smoothly.
Mr. Bloomfield took the floor, and stated
that if the president was supposed to be an educator, why wouldn't
any professor do? By delegating some responsibilities to the
president, everybody gains in the long run.
Mr. McNaughton (guest) stated that an
essential part of fund-raising is in research, and that this
research allows for a better, more up-to-date education. By
investing in fund-raising and research, there are gains for
everybody.
Mr. Pyrdum opened his speech by conducting a
critique of the flyers marked for distribution around campus, made
by the usually astute Ms. Shillington. He then began his speech by
stating that the university is to focus on giving out the most good
for the most people. The office of president is one that should
guide the course of the university by being part of an essential
division of labor; the president allows teachers to teach, while he
focuses on fund-raising.
Ms. Mingledorff regained the floor, and
stated that what is needed most out of a president is a dual
administrator/teacher, but the degree or focus of the president on
one of these jobs is entirely determined by the person.
The question was called, and the
resolution failed by a vote of 3-5.
The Society then adjourned at 10:50 PM
following Mr. Smiley's critic's report.
Let it hereby be noted that two standing
areas have been designated in the Really Lower Chamber of Caldwell
Hall: 1) By the pencil sharpener, and 2) By the wall socket about
halfway down the left-hand wall. Boy, do I ever love Demosthenian
traditions...
From behind the bar emerged a sight so
breathtaking that the intrepid HortMan had to take a minute to reel
his tongue back in from off of the table. Dressed in purple taffeta
and lace, was the true corrupting force in Demosthenian: Ms. Briggy.
Under the watchful eye of Mr. Stuart, Ms. Briggy began to work her
magic on the star-struck super-hero. After vamping about for
awhile, with Mr. Stevenson manning the requisite bass drum, she
continued with the plot detailed in her best-selling self-hurt book,
"How to Corrupt a Future President of Demosthenian in 12 Easy
Steps," she sidled up to our caped captain, and said, "Hi...I hope
you don't mind little ol' me sitting around here next to you. With
that person dancing on the table like that, I just feel so
nervous...Its nice to have a big strong super-hero around like you
in times like this." At this point, the HortMan could muster no
further resistance, and the predatory eye of Lex Stuart flashed with
glee he gave Ms. Briggy the go ahead to finish the job.
"HortMan, would you like to have some
beer?" Without anything more than a grunt, our fearless president
took the full pitcher in front of him, and chugged the whole thing.
Ms. Briggy knew what to do, and was in constant motion for the next
while, fetching more beer for her student. Unfortunately for Mr.
Stevenson, our blond bombshell soon found her bass drum
accompaniment so irritating, that with a fierce "HIII-YA," Dave soon
found himself karate chopped into the next county.
Soon enough, the effects of the
magically reappearing beer were seen in the HortMan. The Stuart
beer caused our hero to suddenly rise and fall to the ground with
absolutely no warning. In addition, the HortMan began to get even
more friendly, and started to compulsively shake everybody's hand,
multiple times. Finally, after floating all of Mr. Stuart's
prodigious supply of beer, it was time for HortMan's fate to be
sealed: He must forget his credit card at the bar, and pass out in
the Hall.
The next memory HortMan has is that
looking down on a small swimming pool. As he looks up, he is
greeted by the honeysuckle scent and swishing taffeta of Ms. Briggy.
"You are doing it all wrong," bellows our fair Chief Justice, "Let
me show you how to do this, 'cause I've done it a million
times...They don't call me the High Priestess of Porcelain for
nothing you know." With that, she shoves the heap of pudding that
our hero has become to the side, and assumes the position. After a
few minutes, she says, "HortMan, do you think you can do this the
right way now?"
With a mumble, grunt, and a cascade of
drool, the HortMan attempts to assume the position, but fails
miserably due to his complete lack of knowledge of where his body
parts are, let alone where they should go. Again, the HortMan
collapses into a heap on the floor. This final collapse is too much
for Ms. Briggy, and she exclaims, "You big dummy, why do you make
things so difficult?"
With a final, sheepish drunken grin,
our lovable lush replies, "Well, I guess its not easy being
green..."
Stay tuned folks...We're just getting
started.
Respectfully submitted on the second day of
October, 1997,
Michael J. Shumaker
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University of Georgia 