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The Minutes of The Demosthenian Literary
Society
November 6th, 1997
The words of the Donnamal rang out
clear and true. It wasn't the clarity of the words that scared them
so, it was the vision if the fantastic creature that strutted out of
the cave. This, this, THING had the body of a lion, and the wings
of a little yellow bird, and seemed very similar to the Sphinx of
Sophocles. It was entirely strange; instead of relying on the
massive legs that seemed to vault the creature from one place to
another, it attempted to fly everywhere using the two puny,
ill-fashioned wings that it had, futilely flapping the wings, and
rarely succeeding in taking off the ground.
Even more frightening and bizarre than
the actual appearance of the Donnamal, replete with a long and curly
mane flopping neither here nor there, was the seeming hyperactivity
of the monster: never did it ever seem to stop moving. The
Donnamal leapt from rocky crag to rocky crag, flapping its useless
wings, and examining each formation with a hand lens, an exclaiming,
"You are pyloric hematite, NO? Do not question me, for I will beat
you with my rock hammer."
The Demosthenians gathered around
below the cave were enchanted; some even stood agape with drool
tumbling out of their mouths at the sight of the sheer immensity and
strength that were contained in the lower appendages of the Donnamal.
For Sir Bert of Guy, the temptation was too much, and he left the
gathering saying, "I need a stiff drink and a whole bunch of liberal
female Democrats." The rest, however, were left wondering how they
could defeat this creature, a creature that seemed to be without
flaw or fault, a creature whose every act appeared to be the epitome
of grace and virtue. How could Demosthenians ever defeat something
like that anyway?
Norm of Norman was the first to
attempt to attack the Donnamal. After calling the rest of his
fellow Crusaders worthless and weak, Norm climbed up the mountain,
leveled his way-too-big-for-him sword at her, and said with a cruel
grin, "Surrender now, or you will meet your maker." The Donnamal
turned from her geological endeavors, and with a flash had scotch
taped Norm to the walls of her cave with her seemingly useless
wings. She said, with a thoughtful look on her face, "Demosthenians
always look good on walls, NO?" She turned to the rest of the band
below, and yelled fiercely, "You see what happens when you attempt
to dethrone me, NO? Come on up, I need some more things for my
walls!!" With this, she giggled demurely, and resumed her
geological studies.
At this point, Stalwart Demosthenian
was not feeling very stalwart. The guy with the real power, Lady
Ann of the Choir Loft, opened herself for all manner of suggestions,
and, like always when dealing with Demosthenians, the suggestions
began to rain over her: "Why don't we just go home...I hate being
stuck to walls," "Let's get a Coke and read some Terry Pratchett
novels," "Let's get naked and go and run around the mountain some."
Our tireless leader listened to all of the ideas, even those that
seemed to be counter to what she had worked so hard to prepare, but
then entered the most dashing and debonair of all of the
Demosthenians: Sir Mikey the Shirtless. Calling any sort of upper
body protection "wimpy," and declaring that all he needed to defeat
this creature was his pair of Dexters and a pair of floppy khaki
shorts, the proud knight strode amongst the teeming crowd with a
flock of teenage admirers following behind him, throwing their keys
futilely in order to, GASP!, get him to bend over to pick them up.
He announced to the group: "I'll take
her...It'll be no problem. If it is not today, it'll be
someday...She can't hold out forever...No one can ever resist my
powers for long."
With that, he gave some Miles Davis
music to Lady Ann, who began to play it seductively on her organ,
and climbed up to the top up the craggy mountain with a broad smirk
plastered across his face.
The meeting was called to order at
7:15 PM. The Society was joined by first time guests Masek and Soo
Min, and by third time guests Calhoun, Swann, and Frawley. The
Society then became trapped in the Faulkner-esque gray effluvium of
all time and space, a place where it is impossible to resist the
tides of fate that so cruelly play with us every day of our
worthless and meaningless lives, and began to endure the fact that
Mr. Wells (alum) was in attendance for yet another meeting...Really,
its all just an alumna that it full of sound and fury, signifying
all that we could be if we do not escape the pull of Athens, GA
following our graduations. Oh yeah, he was also appointed to be the
damn Yankee critic.
Mr. Leuwondowski then petitioned the
Society for membership. In his Maiden Address, he told the Society
about how he has learned and changed throughout his college career.
He was admitted into membership.
The Society then moved into Committee
Reports, where Ms. Mingledorff announced that as a result of a
brutal and bloody coup of her own doing, she had taken over the
Programs Committee chair, and was having a meeting soon to get a
preliminary itinerary set for the All-Night Meeting and Hall
Re-Dedication.
Ms. McKinney took the floor, and told of the
status of the all-fixed-up Hall. At the beginning of her speech,
however, the great and divine deity of the Demosthenian bench took a
brief moment to give himself a brief hug and pat on the back. The
speaker then continued, and stated that the Hall would be ready by
mid-December, and showed the Society the first brick that was laid
for the Hall...It ruled.
Following her speech, the Society gave
three cheers for the re-dedication of the Hall, and the efforts
exerted by those have worked through this massive undertaking.
The Society skipped Old Business, just for
the hell of it, and moved into New Business, where Mr. Slone
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: Physician-assisted suicide
should be legalized.
Respectfully,
Jeff Slone
The speaker argued the case for
physician-assisted suicide largely on constitutional and legal
grounds. Oregon has a law permitting this type of act, and the law
has been upheld on appeal by many different federal courts on the
basis of the protection of 9th Amendment. In short, a well-defined
law would allow people to exercise their rights and prevent any sort
of slippery-slope effects to take place.
Ms. Yarber stated that she felt that people
shouldn't have to live if they are in extreme or horrible pain. If
the patient is in a coherent state, they can choose to end their
pain if they so desire.
Mr. Bowman tried to balance two fundamental
philosophical positions: the rights of the individual, and the
rights of the community. One should not have to live on if one does
not wish too, but the effects of such an action would have a
deleterious effect on the community as a whole. In this vein, the
speaker argued that by allowing physician-assisted suicide, society
would gradually begin to have less value for life as a whole.
Mr. Pyrdum told of the early era of the
church in which lion/gladiator-assisted suicide was all the rage,
for people wanted to leave the material world in order to be with
God. This same phenomena was deemed to be incorrect back then, and
sticking with life against all odds was termed as being virtuous.
In this way, physician-assisted suicide would be a bad thing for all
of man.
Mr. Guy sermonized that life was too
precious to be legislated, and that we are in no position to draw
lines between what is right and wrong when it comes to the final
end. In short, we should focus on the pleasures of being alive
rather than worrying about death.
Ms. Kravig told the story of Lt. Dan, and
state that he was able to live a very happy life after wanting to
die for a very long time. She concluded by stating that suicide
"was a real wimpy thing to do."
Mr. Shumaker used his minimal training in
philosophy to argue that the point of life is to use our faculties
to their highest degree. By failing to utilize these cognitive
powers to their highest potential cheats us and cheats our friends.
Committing suicide automatically precludes using such powers.
Mr. Stevenson stated that he was fully in
favor of physician-assisted suicide except for the possible
violations of the doctor's rights that are inherent. It is not fair
to force the doctor to draw the line between life and death.
Mr. Leuwondowski (not a guest) worried about
the American system of values, for a person who goes off to war to
die is labeled as a hero, while the one that chooses to die is
labeled a quitter. We should all have the right to choose the end
that we prefer.
Mr. Pratt (guest) admitted that he is indeed
a "mighty man," and that he can take and subsequently enjoy a great
deal of pain. Although he feels this way, he cannot expect everyone
to, and feels that the government should stay out of this area of
man's private life. Consequently, he supported the resolution, not
because we should commit suicide, but because we should be able to.
Ms. McKinney told the story of her mother
who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and given six months to
live. The agony she went through was so great that the speaker
feels that people should have to actually experience this type of
pain before they could actually try to stop suicide.
The question was called and passed on
a vote of 10-5.
Our lovable misanthrope, Mr. Bowman,
took the floor, and presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: In the words of
Jean-Paul Sartre, "Hell is other people."
Respectfully
submitted,
Derek Bowman
The speaker argued that everybody has a
different goal in life, and that they must thus subsequently take
different paths to get there. Unfortunately, if we are trying to be
the best at something, other people get in our way, and thus hurt
our efforts to rise to the top. And that's why he hates everybody:
they are in his way.
Ms. Mingledorff argued that we have to have
other people to reach our goals, and that if we cut off our link to
other people, we starve.
Mr. Shumaker rose with his tongue firmly
planted in his cheek, and began to extol the virtues of the
completely non-competitive life that he leads. Anyone who differs
with him should, well, go off and live in a cave somewhere. He then
stated that competition was exactly that which makes people better,
and drew a neato graph that proved it.
Mr. Pyrdum stated that competition was all
well and good as long as you weren't the guy that was weeded out by
competition. He then argued that he was in the midst of other
people, and that that was not hell. What is hell, however, is
bringing up the fact that a roommate has not yet done the dishes in
front of a group of people.
Ms. Richie concisely argued that if you feel
that hell is other people, then you are hell.
Mr. Smiley stated that hell is that which we
hate the most, or are afraid of. Consequently, hell is that which
lies within us that we cannot deal with; hell is yourself.
At this point, our beloved Sergeant-at-Arms
corralled the ferocious Becky Monster, and made her get her lovely
legs back into the Assembly Room...Way to go.
The question was called and failed on a vote
of 3-9.
Mr. Stevenson leaped to the floor with
his safety goggles firmly affixed, and presented the following
resolution:
Let it be resolved: An individual
should not, under any circumstances, be required to be genetically
tested.
Respectfully,
David
Stevenson
The speaker argued that insurance companies
use this type of information to discriminate between people, and
that many are hurt in the process. In the end, he exclaimed, "Leave
my DNA alone!"
Mr. Slone told of three Army officers that
were dishonorably discharged for refusing to submit to DNA testing.
He continued his list of the harms caused by such testing with the
idea that with mandatory testing, insurance companies will insure
only those that do not need it. In the end, we would all be hurt.
Mr. Pyrdum stated that there are some
positives to testing. If we test babies at birth, we can better
treat all sorts of ailments, and possibly take preventative
measures. By testing all people, we can all alter our lifestyles
for the best.
Mr. Shumaker, who was greeted on the floor
with a scrawl of "Nice ass, hotcakes" in the Secretary's notes, told
that insurance companies could actually lower rates if they had
perfect information of people's medical histories. In the current
system there is a certain degree of inefficiency that results in a
higher price to the consumer: this price is the cost of privacy.
Mr. Bowman focused initially on the bad rap
that scientists are giving themselves: Not all science is bad!!
The real question of the resolution is how much testing we want; do
we want to pay for other people's medical problems?
The question was called and passed on
a vote of 9-3.
Mr. Shumaker, amid more lecherous scrawlings
concerning his "adorable" posterior, presented the following
resolution:
Be it Resolved: Chivalry will never
die.
Respectfully,
Michael J. Shumaker
The speaker told the story of his drunken
adventures in Scotland during Hogmany (New Year's Eve in Scotland),
and how people treated him with a respect and friendliness that he
had never encountered before. As a result, chivalry lies in this
type of act: the unexpected but necessary.
Mr. Wells (alum) conducted a long discourse
on the nature of honor. According to numerous authorities, this
type of honor still exists in today's life, and is the most
important thing anybody has. Honor acts as the basis of chivalry,
and thus we need both honor and chivalry to survive.
Mr. Pyrdum read from this real long and
boring book, that stated that chivalry was dead in the 13th
Century. The chivalric code dealt with honor on the battlefield,
and no one cares about this type of things anymore. As a result,
the resolution is completely false.
Mr. Bowman stated that though he enjoyed a
history lesson from a certain unknown speaker that came before him
and with whom he shares an apartment, definitions change over time,
and that chivalry can currently be defined as "common courtesy." By
stating that these small acts will never go away, we no longer
practice them. As a result, if we feel that chivalry will never
die, it probably will.
Mr. Bloomfield agreed that chivalry was a
form of common courtesy, and that it can be expressed in 1000
different ways. Chivalry is alive and kicking, but it has to be
taught from one generation to another to stay alive.
Mr. Slone drew a distinction between
chivalry and friendship: Chivalry entails a complete faith in
another person to do what is the best in any situation. In short, a
friend can be chivalrous by keeping the promises they have made
without any prompting, and by keeping the friend's interest first.
Ms. Mingledorff told of her Victorian
upbringing, and how chivalry applies to gentlemen and ladies;
unfortunately, honor between each set is not shown enough, and that
people do not treat each other with the respect they deserve. In
this way, she feels that "chivalry is a dying art."
Mr. Pratt (guest) argued that chivalry will
die and come back, and then the pattern will continue infinitely.
He is persistently chivalrous, and when he is denied respect in
return, chivalry is dealt a blow. However, by staying true to these
attitudes, chivalry will always come back.
The question was called and passed on
a vote of 12-2.
At this point, our valiant President's life
was placed into jeopardy by flying lip balm...The dangers of this
addiction have finally hit home: Just say no, kids.
Mr. Pyrdum took the floor and grandstanded a
bit, and read from a book that he had to write a paper on. Tried to
define chivalry again. He lost.
The Society then adjourned at 10:39
PM, subject to Mr. Wells's Critic's Report.
As the valiant and buff Sir Mikey the
Shirtless scaled the cliffs, the sky turned kind of blue, and the
air lilted with the jazz stylings of Lady Ann. As this brave knight
reached the summit of the mountain, the Donnamal caught sight of him
out of the corner of her eye, and scurried over to where he was
climbing, wings flapping needlessly all of the way. As she took her
first full look at this amazing specimen of man, she was overcome by
how much she really liked him...Perfect for her walls. After a jerk
of her knee, and a brief struggle, the mighty knight was cowed, and
then affixed to the wall of her cave with scotch tape, just like
Norm, except that he was hung, stomach facing the wall. The
Donnamal stood back to admire her newest addition, and began to rave
about it under her breath: "Wow!! Rad!! What great wallpaper!!"
After noticing his forearms, she
muttered, "Too bad all of his efforts were in vein...At least now I
get to see that compact butt of his for all time."
The Demosthenians milling about below
were amazed: their fiercest knight had been soundly defeated
without a word, barb or bouquet left to mark where he had been
destroyed at her own doorstep. The troops fell in disarray, and
each inevitably made a futile charge, and was promptly defeated by
the Donnamal. Her powers were so great, that she even resisted the
cunning subterfuge of Lady Ann of the Choir Loft; she was able to
see through the offer of a "jam session," and taped her to the
wall, guitar in hand and everything.
At this point, the Donnamal began to
crow about her victory to her new wall decorations. "I have
defeated you all, NO? You thought that you could sneak up on me,
but I would not let that happen. How could I ever let that happen?
It would have been an empty victory for you all...Why would you ever
want to pick on a little bird/lion item like me anyway?" She then
flashed her fake demure grin, and began to rave about how "delicate"
her cave was with the new additions, and how she enjoyed living so
close to the subway tracks. She then began to play with her curly
blonde mane, and ate some potato chips.
Despite all of her taunting and
jeering, her victory was not yet complete: there was still one
Demosthenian left.
Derek the Bowman stood paralyzed in
fear below. He realized that the Donnamal was the one who had drawn
him here; she was the one responsible for all of the evil he had
been imagining for so long. The scene of toga clad people flashed
through his mind, and his psyche was buffeted with the words, "Donna
RULES!!" over and over. He had to do something to conquer his
fears, and save Demosthenian from the doom it now faced.
So as all good philosophy students do,
our last hope pulled out his copy of "How to Deal With Vague and
Poorly Written Allusions to Ancient Greek Writings," and looked up
"ferocious creatures that do bad things to men." Sure enough, there
he found the smiling picture of the Donnamal, and he quickly read
the description.
Using this dossier, he began to ask
the Donnamal vague and rambling questions. Name, hair color, etc.,
until he hit upon something: Isn't she supposed to have a riddle?
With that, he looked up to the facing
of the cave and saw a bronze indoor/outdoor plaque with the
following words on it: "Do unto others as they have done to you."
He knew that this was the solution to
the problem, and he began to mull over what she had done to
him...Caused him great emotional pain...Embarrassed him in front of
his pals...Gotten him drunk...That was it!! He had the typical
"Eureka!" moment, and trudged off to the package store with much
throat clearing and head shaking.
Upon his return, he began to lob
bottles of a fine stout up to the cave. Quickly, the Donnamal leapt
upon them, and began to drink them so quickly that it seemed as
though she wasn't drinking for taste: she was in a competition.
Quickly, the Donnamal began to trip and stumble about, and her
speech began to slur, and soon, she began to wave the bottles
around, and proclaim, "I am the Black Man!! I am the greatest power
in the universe!! I am going on a long vacation!!!"
Derek the Bowman knew that victory was
his, and climbed to the top of the mountain, and found the Donnamal
curled up, asleep with only a quilt covering her naked body. He
quickly freed his fellow Demosthenians, ending with Sir Mikey. As
he began to free "The Dashing One," the Donnamal began to stir. She
rose, groggy, and exclaimed, "You think that you have won an
effortless victory, NO?"
Sir Mikey, now freed, used his
extraordinary speed, and ran like the wind off of the mountain,
taunting the Donnamal the whole time, yelling, "Look at my butt!!
Isn't it perfect?!"
The Donnamal now knew that she had
lost. A feeling of overwhelming shame gripped her, and she did the
only thing that a defeated Sphinx type creature could do: Throw
herself off of her crag, and perhaps then death would minimize her
loss. With that, the Donnamal was no more.
Stalwart Demsothenian gave a great
cheer. Derek of Bowman had sabotaged the plans of the Donnamal, and
the Crusade was over. With that, the heroes returned to their
castle, and the wings of the passed out Donnamal twitched again
against the backdrop of the bleak and chill sky...Forever lying in
shame and infamy...Still trying to catch her prey...
It has been fun folks...
Respectfully submitted this 13th day of
November, 1997
Michael J. Shumaker
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University of Georgia 