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Minutes of the
Demosthenian Literary Society for January 13th, 2000
Demosthenian members had just decided
to buy the two $3000 couches for the hall. Two antebellum, comfy,
yet extremely expensive couches that complimented the hall well.
Ms. Bennewitz had just signed the $6000 cheque to the appropriate
company when it was realised that the account only held $2000. How
was Demosthenian going to pay the other $4000 before the creditors
took the hall away from them? An emergency meeting was held and
several suggestions were given. None of suggestions were going to
raise the total needed though. Then, the perfect solution was given
by Mr. Callahan, "Why don't we start a brothel? That way we could
have some fun while raising the money!" Support for Mr. Callahan
was scarce, if found at all. However, as the President went on to
explain, "Demosthenian really needed the cash, and the members had a
duty to at least try and save the society." With that a sign up
list was sent around and PR began. Ms. Frawley, committee head of
PR promised that she would have lines of frat boys lined up around
North Campus to get in. Ms. Kravig offered to supply the food and
Mr. Cohoon promised to be the DLS Pimp – that is organise who was
going to do what with who and when. Mr. Patton seemed to know a lot
about the going rates, so he supplied a price list. All that was
left was for someone to offer their body. There was no one
willing. The President, Mr. Rivner offered his body to get things
rolling. "Well, we won't make any money if this is all we've got to
offer" said Ms. Bauhan. "Hang on, didn't PK do this last semester
to enlist new members?!?" shouted Ms. Mikel above the crowd. "Darn,
we need to original!!" announced the President. "I have it!" Mr.
Rivner went on to explain that even though he had done a lot of
partying in his years, he felt that one of his kidneys was probably
still ok for transplant. There were several objections to this as
many of the members had seen at least one drink that could destroy a
normal man's innards. No one felt like performing the surgery
anyway and so the idea fell to the floor - much like the president
after one of those drinks.
The meeting was called to order at 7:21
p.m. with 11 first time guests and two second or third time guests.
Mr. Childs was requested to be critic, to which he agreed. Mr.
Slone moved to skip the first part of the meeting to get straight
into debate, to which the members agreed. However, a mistake was
made on the bench and only the minutes were missed. Dr. Lindquist
was sworn into her new office of Faculty Advisor, and she gave a
short introductory speech asking for people to get to know her. Mr.
Rivner then gave his presidential goals for Spring Semester
including the all time necessary goal of having the best all-night
meeting ever! Committee reports were given by Mr. Cohoon, Ms.
Bennewitz, and Ms. Frawley. The treasury report was accepted.
Ms. Frawley
presented the first resolution asking that the US should return
Elian Gonzalez to Cuba. She argued that he shouldn't be used as a
political tool as he is only six years old, and that if reversed,
with an American in Cuba, America would be in uproar. She
presented: Be it resolved, The United States should return Elian
Gonzalez to his father. Respectfully, Kelly Frawley.
Mr. Crouse asked
what the best interests of the child were. The US offers a better
future, and so that's where he should stay.
Mr. Roundtree
(Guest) asked if the Bill of Rights was really working. He also
pointed out that Cuba has better opportunities.
Mr. Slone argued
that Elian's mother must have had a conversation with the father.
He didn't want Elian to be a political pawn either, but the
outpouring of emotion shows the type of life he would have in the
US.
Mr. Morgan warned
people that soon people would forget about the little Cuban boy. He
is human and the media coverage has caused enough damage already.
Mr. Callahan
pointed out that love is the only thing that matters and that no one
should judge whether the father is good or bad. However, one day
the boy will realise that he is not with his family.
Mr. Kennedy
(Guest) noted that it's not what's best for the child as everyone
should have to follow the laws, no exception.
Mr. Miller
questioned America's xenophobia. The majority of immigrants want to
go home and America could be improved.
Ms. Bennewitz
pointed out that she wouldn't want to be separated from her father,
who she loves very much.
Mr. Goggans
(Guest) said that it was a two-part problem. Too much red tape and
the laws are there for a reason. They are needed to keep our
systems running.
Ms. Arnold
(Guest) gave us the mouse metaphor, noting that when the animal
activists save one mouse from the pet-store, there are still several
hundred waiting for the mouth of a boa constrictor. America will
forget about the kid within a week.
The resolution
was called and passed 18 to 2.
At this point it
should noted that the accordion was invented on this day 1854.
Mr. Crouse won
the call of the President to present the second resolution. He
spoke about a crude, white southerner that likes to spit at toll
booths. He presented the resolution: Be it resolved, The actions of
major league baseball involving John Rocker are not appropriate.
Respectfully submitted, Michael Crouse.
Mr. Childs argued
that everything he said was generally true, with a few exceptions.
The problem he has is that he's white and lives in the South.
Mr. Cohoon noted
that what Rocker said was horrible, and although he should be held
accountable by public opinion, we all say some stupid things.
Mr. Pyrdum gave a
great sarcastic speech noting that John Rocker and Sports
Illustrated were the two most important things in our lives. It was
SI that destroyed a career through bad journalism.
Ms. Moultrie
promised us that if we acted or spoke badly when representing our
employer in public we wouldn't have a job the next day. However, if
it were in our own home things would be different. The same works
with Rocker.
Mr. Bowman
(Guest) said that when Rocker signed up for the Braves he waived
certain rights. He may be as dumb as a brick, but he still
represents baseball
Mr. Morgan said
that Sports Illustrated pushed Rocker off-camera. If they punish
Rocker, they should also punish Ted Turner for his comments.
Mr. Miller,
although knowing nothing about baseball, said that Major League
Baseball has never had love between the teams.
Mr. Callahan, a
black man, said that he hates New York and what Rocker said was
true, but said in the wrong way. The KKK could have a baseball
team, just as long as they acted like a team. Would they be called
the "Wizards" or the "Klukkers"?
The question was
called and passed 11 to 8.
Mr. Slone
presented the third resolution. He pointed out amazing statistics
regarding TV watching, including the fact that in a cartoon every
1.5 seconds there is an act of violence. TV influences children and
this can't be a good thing. The resolution read: Be it resolved,
Television is a vast wasteland. Respectfully submitted, Jeff Slone.
Mr. Pyrdum
counter-argued the presenter’s resolution stating that there is
virtually no correlation between TV and violence. TV is more of an
illusion, but not a wasteland.
Mr. Cohoon asked
us to flip through the 400-something channels. For every good show
there are 20/30 really bad ones. However, every wasteland has its
oasis.
Ms. Mikel said
that Japanese cartoons are far more violent, but there is very
little crime, and of that 99% of the crime over there is solved.
Jerry Springer makes her feel relatively normal.
Mr. Ramsay said
that all of the statistics are flawed. TV has degraded over time,
but the attitudes of people do not.
Mr. Callahan's
soap operas teach him how to make moral decisions. The Man Show
teaches him how to be a man.
Mr. Patton has
seen much television, much violence, and he likes it. Patton
fantasizes to be Bond, or an assassin. Be scared.
Mr. Butler
(Guest) said that TV stops people reading and using their
imagination. He has stopped watching much TV.
Ms. Arnold
(Guest) misses Saturday morning cartoons. TV no longer has
substance or soul.
Ms. Mendoza said
that there is good TV, and it offers a face to many children. There
are also more soccer mums who don't like TV being their babysitter.
Mr. Miller noted
that the UGA library is a vaster wasteland.
The question was
called and failed 3 to 12.
Mr. Pyrdum
quickly spoke about the upcoming "debate camp", and then went on to
present the resolution: Be it resolved, Dr. Lessl should be awarded
Honorary membership in the Demosthenian Literary Society. Be it
further resolved: The secretary shall write a letter informing him
of his honor. Be it further resolved: The Demosthenian Literary
Society shall purchase a plaque to mark this honor. Be it further
resolved: Dr. Lessl should be invited to a meeting to be presented
his plaque.
The question was
passed on acclamation.
The meeting
adjourned at 11:40, after 4 hours 19 minutes of furious debate
subject to Mr. Childs' critics report.
Now that the
prostitution ring and body-part selling ideas had fallen apart,
another idea was needed. An excellent suggestion was given by Ms.
Johnson, "Why don't we setup a coffee shop here in the hall?
Starbucks have invaded the Athens coffee scene, why can't we?" This
seemed like a great idea especially since Mr. Cooper was an expert
coffee connoisseur. "But to compete with downtown shops we need
plants, snacks, and funky paintings too!" yelled a rather
intoxicated Mr. Cureton. "Mr. Cureton, have you been drinking
again?" asked Mr. Roca. Before he could answer, Mr. Cohoon came up
with all the answers "We do have plants! We can make the snacks,
and I'm sure somebody can paint in here" Ms. Moultrie offered her
cooking skills and her recipe to her "special secret brownies". Ms.
Wilson and Mr. Alsen generously offered to make some modern art
using a big roll of canvas and a tin of gloss body paint. "Well,
that should do it, all we need now are customers" exclaimed the
President. "That's easy, I have the perfect idea said Ms. Bennewitz."
The next day the
Red and Black read "Sophomore caught in Ford Explorer in Sanford
Stadium." Apparently, according to the article Ms. Bennewitz (now
under $10'000 bond) tried to spell out "DLS Coffee Shop - Now
Open!" This was a great idea, only with two major flaws. a) It
wasn't football season, b) It was pathetic. What were the poor
Demosthenians going to do? The creditors were coming the next day
to collect the money and they just didn't have it! Mr. Miller felt
it necessary at this point to look to the Greek gods and ask for
their advice. Alas, Mr. Miller didn't have any advice, only that
they not hurt anyone. Everyone just kind of smiled and nodded in
semi-agreement, semi-confusion. Finally, they had the winning
idea. Or rather, Mr. Pyrdum had the winning idea. Debate camp was
coming up on Saturday and he said that the only way anyone would be
chosen for the debate team for the intersociety debate would be to
pay the $100 entrance fee to debate camp. Why would anyone pay this
though? That's easy - If they're chosen for the team they're
guaranteed to be given the pleasure of showing the PK's who the real
literary society is!
Respectfully
submitted this day, the 27th of January 2000,
Karl Goodhew
Secretary
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