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Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society for January
20th, 2000
As the guests left the upper chamber they left their
comment cards on the mantel piece for the president to see how they
thought the meeting went. Almost all of the cards had positive
comments on. That was except for one scrawled in black ink. It was
smudged on the sides with the foul stench of urine reaking from it -
much like that smell found embedded in the bricks of the building
across the way. The President tried to decipher the writing, almost
unable to read it due to the grammatical mistakes and the fact that
he could barely make out the script anyway, he decided to see if
anyone else could read it. Reverend Mr. Wells happened to be
standing near by and thought that he could make out the word boorish
and something about a flag… but they both felt it was not important
and threw that one away. Another guest had left a joke for the
group, hoping to brighten up the day – “What game does the student
body at Texas A&M like playing most? Jenga!” This offended the
President, but after a brief chuckle decided that it was quite funny
and announced it at Pepinos to the underage drunkards that are the
freshman members. Mr. Cureton was stumbling about in his usual
drunken stupor when he decided to inform demosthenian members of how
Canada got it’s name. He stammered “HEY! Cohoon! Canada Boy!
Hic! Do you know how your woosy little country – hic – got it’s
name? They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and the
Prime Minister pulled a letter out one by one to – hic – get the
name. The event went something like this… C… Eh? N… Eh? D… Eh?”
To that the bar shook with laughter and Mr. Cohoon bravely did as
his country would do and ran out of the room calling for his mummy….
The meeting was called to order at 7:30 p.m. with four
first time guests and six second or third time guests. Ms. McKinney
was appointed critic and a motion was made to skip all non-essential
items to get straight into debate. The society moved into new
business and Mr. Cohoon took the floor.
The presenter spoke of the recent Missile Defense System
tests. He asked how a country could be trusted if it can’t keep
agreements. Mr. Cohoon also asked why a country should waste
billions of dollars if we’re supposedly in an era safe from nuclear
attack. The resolution read: Be it resolved, The development of a
missile defense system is detrimental to global peace and
stability. Respectfully submitted, Joshua Head and Jack Cohoon.
Mr. Crouse took the floor asking why defense was a bad
thing. Defense is the opposite of nuclear aggression and
destruction; the missile defense system was sure to bring peace.
Mr. Glazer (guest) noted that we rely too much of what’s
moral and right rather than what’s good for the country. We can
hope for peace through treaties, but treaties don’t stop missiles.
Mr. Oudi asked us how we could trust our neighbours and
allies if we can’t trust ourselves. We should stop using a rusty
razor blade and develop a system to defend ourselves.
Ms. Johnson said that she couldn’t see the enemy. We’re
spending a whole lot of money on a tiny threat. We should give
other countries the benefit of the doubt.
Mr. Slone compared the recent events to the beginning of
the cold war. We shouldn’t be building up more defenses, but doing
more disarmament. Star Wars and patriot missiles failed, why should
we trust this?
Mr. Williams said that the US government agencies such as
the police and FBI protected us at New Years, we should let them
protect us from missiles too.
Ms. Mendoza said that we were afraid and that we’ll build
up so much that we’ll destroy ourselves.
Mr. Goggans (guest) said that Russia is our friend now,
but we’d better side with caution as we’re talking about Nuclear
Holocaust.
Mr. Roundtree (guest) commented on the communists
spreading westward. Nuclear weapons are tacky and politically
unpopular. He also noted that America’s biggest weapons were
McDonalds and MTV.
Mr. Westphar (guest) said that America is going to
violate the START and SALT treaties that assured mutual
destruction. If America violates the treaties, other countries will
start testing nuclear weapons whenever and wherever they want to.
Ms. Wood said that defense breeds mistrust.
Mr. Ramsay argued that rogue countries are still at war,
at least ideologically. A missile defense system would not solve
our problems and other wars would still take place.
Mr. Pyrdum, although blatantly incorrect, said that China
was OK until they built the Great Wall, then world stability fell
apart. He said that our peace-keeping tool is a large armament and
that because we can’t destroy information we have to defend
ourselves.
Mr. Miller said that all we have to do is get a missile
defense system that works. Don’t be surprised that if your
neighbour gets a gun, every other neighbour gets a gun to defend
themselves too.
Ms. Arnold (guest) said that this was not a question of
trust, but prudence. “Friendly fire isn’t” she noted and as
accidents do happen, we should be able to defend ourselves.
Mr. Meadowoods (guest) said that the US stockpiling of
nuclear weapons is like a 13-year-olds stockpile of porn. Maybe not
today, or tomorrow, but one day (probably a rainy one) it will be
used.
The question was called and failed 7 to 12.
Mr. Slone rose to the occasion for the 2nd resolution.
He said that sex was never talked about in his home and only learned
about the female body when he happened to stumble across a copy of
Playboy. Pornography is beneficial to society one of the reasons
being that women have all the power and the ability to earn much
more than a man. It was presented: Be it resolved, pornography
provides a net benefit to society, Respectfully, Jeff Slone.
Mr. Pyrdum explained how he learned about sex, giving a
somewhat disturbing story of a playful youngster and his genitalia.
Sex is not good for everybody and he felt that he would’ve been
better off left innocent.
Mr. Dick (guest) said that his parents were open with him
and asked where the line should be drawn. He asked how we can
regulate child pornography and asked if that was really OK for
America.
Ms. Moultrie, the sexual and intelligent female, said
that it is the unspeakable ness of porn that is bad. It is the
oppressive society that we live in that suppresses females to only
discover their bodies in college that is bad.
Mr. Goggans (guest) said that the porn industry rakes in
$10 billion, but what people do in their own room is their own
business.
Mr. Roundtree (guest) gave us five reasons to support
pornography including that porn web sites hold up the Internet.
However, it does often violate the rights of animals.
Mr. Miller expressed in a rather unnatural tone that
nature is natural and that without sex there is no joy.
Ms. Mikel said that porn propagates the population of the
planet.
Mr. Crouse noted that pornography is very addictive.
This could come from the websites that restrict to only adults, but
still have preview pictures and the like. The government does
nothing to restrict this practice.
Mr. Cohoon said that porn gives us instant
gratification. We are the first generation to have instant access
to pictures and videos. As a society we tolerate other vices, as we
should porn, but we need to keep a careful eye on it.
Ms. Wilson explained how porn was a way for women to
express themselves as they have been told not to be sexual for
years. Sex shouldn’t be kept behind closed doors and it’s OK if
people get their identity from porn.
Ms. Arnold (guest) said that Mpegs of animals in sexual
acts are very easy to come across. We have an obsession with the
forbidden, not sex. She stated that porn is the anti-repression and
we that we should find some middle ground between the two extremes.
Mr. Callahan prepaid fines for anything he might say and
then went on to say that porn is an illusion of real life. Everyone
should talk to their parents about sex as it becomes more meaningful
that way.
The question was called and passed 13 to 9.
Mr. Patton had a dream, a vision. The vision was of
Robert Toombs. He went on to explain about a little hair dilemma
which resulted in being Canada. The only thing in Canada is Maple
syrup and the Mountees. Therefore: Be it resolved, the United
States should annex Canada. Be it further resolved, the secretary
will write a letter to the US secretary of state informing her of
this decision. Be it further, further resolved, the secretary will
also send a letter to the Canadian Prime Minister informing him that
in the eyes of the Demosthenian Literary Society his country is now
a state. Be it further, further, further resolved, in the upper
chamber Canada will here on out be known as the state of Toombs.
Respectfully, Robert Toombs and Ray Patton.
Mr. Cohoon, who was deeply offended, said that his
Grandparents lived in Ontario, moved to South Carolina and invented
a new form of Cantalope. Canadian men don’t need Viagra and
furthermore they are a great warring nation who are very proud.
Ms. Frawley said that Canada doesn’t have a great army so
America should take over the whole continent. However, do we really
want Celine Dion and Quebec?
Mr. Kolychev talked about how Russia was nothing like
Canada and was no where near Canada either.
Ms. Mikel said that Canada is the best peacekeeper for
America and that really Canada wants to take over America.
Mr. Goggans (guest) said that he didn’t want Vancouver to
be taken over as that’s where all the cheap labour and TV shows are.
Mr. Callahan said that when he is president he will
invade that nasty country. They will not lose an American life
though as they’ll use air strikes and nukes. Callahan destroyed all
chance of ever running for President.
At this point Mr. Cohoon stormed out of the upper chamber
and was fined. It should be noted that he didn’t respond to the
claims that he was a) a Canadian spy, and b) a Communist.
Mr. Baggett (guest) said that Canada would be a mistake,
much like Texas. Plus, we would get all those nasty
French-Canadians.
Mr. Cureton noted that we should combover Canada with
Alaska. We should kill all the Canadian hair and grow American
hair, so to speak.
Mr. Oudi suggested that we just give Canada back to
Britain. Who wants an American to die for Canada anyhow?
Mr. Meadowoods (guest) said that England, France, and
Spain had their turn, now it’s Americas.
Mr. Cohoon motioned to have the resolution tabled,
however there was not quorum present to vote on the matter. Mr.
Goodhew motioned for a 10 minute recess to look at the moon (it was
a full lunar eclipse) and this was agreed by the society. After the
recess quorum still couldn’t be met as there were members who
refused to come into the upper chamber. Ms. Wilson was fined for
dereliction of duty. The remaining members in the upper chamber
were forced to adjourn subject to the critics report.
Mr. Cohoon soon came back however after realising that
they were all trapped inside. Why? Ice storm 2000 had caused some
branches to fall right across the entranceway of the restaurant, and
of course, being an Athens establishment, the place had no rear fire
exit. What made it worse was the fact that there was also 12 feet
of snow that had drifted against the door. What was Demosthenian
going to do now? With only a couple of Italians and a drunks to
keep the entertainment going the President was sure that some
members were going to perish. “We must decide who will sacrifice
themselves voluntarily like in the movie `Alive!` if it comes down
to it. I think Mr. Pyrdum should volunteer himself.” With that
there was a majority vote by the society and before Mr. Pyrdum had
time to even utter one word of a cynical, sarcastic, mean reply, it
was passed and he was being dragged off to the great Pizza oven.
The Demosthenian members started to chant and dance around the oven
singing “Kill the Pyrdum, bash him in, eat him up!” Mr. Oudi among
others had covered his face with war paint and had stolen Pyrdums
glasses, using them to make fire. Civil rule was breaking down as
the society formed two sides, skins and shirts. The President, now
a skin, was chasing down Ms. Mikel with drool dripping from the
sides of his mouth. Ms. Mikel protested strongly, using the
argument that she would make better breakfast than dinner… but that
wasn’t heard by the ravenous Rivner as his teeth sunk into her
neck. “Mmmm… all I need now is a beer… be-e-e-r”. Then, out of
nowhere came in a Navy crewmember with his full uniform on. He
walked in and said “Kids, I’m here to take you home to your par… oh
my God!! You barbarians!! With that he took out his handgun and
took out the blood covered President and his counterparts leaving a
mass of bodies piled up against the pool table. The other members
thanked the Navy seal and walked out peacefully leaving all their
worries behind.
Respectfully submitted on the 27th day of the
1st month of the year 2000,
Karl Goodhew
Secretary
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