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Demosthenian
Meeting for 16th of March, 2000
With the
re-release of the horror movie “The Exorcist,” Demosthenian thought
that it should make it’s own version... big question though, who
would play who? Well, of course, the old graying priest would be
easy to pick out, but what about the leading priest and his Mother?
Chosen for the role of priest was Mr. Cooper for his somewhat
soothing voice and deeply devotional ways. Chosen for his dead
mother, Ms. Johnson. This was based on the fact that movies can now
have excellent makeup and DLS was sure she could sound Italian if
she tried. Cast as the role of the housekeeper, Ms. Kravig.
Excellent cleaner, always checking that everything is ok. Now for
the lead roles: The mother of the kid, who’s actually a movie star
herself, Ms. Frawley. Although Ms. Frawley is usually a calm
person, DLS was sure that if we made that hair a little poofed up
and made her scream a lot she could act like her daughter was
possessed. And who would play the daughter? After much
consideration it was decided that Ms. Webb could have muscle spasms
sufficient to move the bed a whole foot off the floor. And finally,
the devil, the demon that possesses the young child. A particularly
well-chosen actor who is renowned for the evil that lurks inside
him. Famous for his other lead roles as Satan in films like “The 9th
gate”, “Event Horizen”, and “South Park”. Of course, only our
special president could be chosen for such a job, and we
congratulate Mr. Rivner for being the perfect demon.
The meeting was
called to order with 4 first time guests, 2 second or third time
guests, and 1 alum who was coincedently not Reverend Mr. Wells.
The President
kept us all informed with the evaluation of the Presidential goals.
Ms. Bennewitz gave her finance committee report and ms. Frawley told
us about Oration/Declamation that we should all prepare for on April
6th. Mr. Rivner then told us all about 99x’s decision to hire the
woman who won “Who wants to marry a multi-millionaire” and the
meeting began.
Mr. Pyrdum
complained how the government will be in a holding pattern until the
November elections. The reason, the Primary system. Months after
the beginning of the campaign, we know that the same people are
going to win. He presented: Be it resolved, The American people
should once again be excluded from the selection of Presidential
candidates. Respectfully, Carl Pyrdum.
Mr. Callahan
then rose to give us the picture of a smoke filled room where the
parties were corrupt. The press needs to be kept out until after
the exit polls.
Mr. Slone said
that Bush is evil. More questionable is why the Democratic party
gets to choose the Republican candidate. We should let the
proffesionals choose who runs.
Ms. Frawley said
that the problem lies with the parties, not the people. They need
to be more opinionated like the varing parties in Europe.
Mr. Rivner asked
us to close our eyes and imagine the smells of steak and cigars. We
no longer want big, fat, white guys getting corrupt kickbacks from
politics.
Ms. Mikell said
that the American people don’t take the Primaries seriously. She
reminded us of High School popularity contests.
Ms. Boggs
(Guest) said that the most popular person is going to win. Politics
is boring except for the very extreme topics.
Mr. Miller said
that we’re voting for a name, sex or violence, ie Bush or Gore. Sex
will always win.
Mr. Dick
mentioned his ironically sexual name and said that was the only
reason he won a vote.
Mr. Goodhew said
that those involved are the knowledgable ones. Each candidate
should get a night to state platform for November election as the
media rules who wins.
Mr. Lemoine
(Guest) said that America was formed out of the desire for
democracy. The further from divine rights, the better off the US
has been.
Mr. Patton said
we shouldn’t have the right to choose elites. If people aren’t
capable for choosing, why do we have a democracy?
Mr. Goggans said
it is a very boring primary year. He was happy to vote in 1992.
This is a good primary system executed badly.
A motion was
made to call the question which resulted in the motion to decide by
committee which resulted in several attempts to motion that we
should make the treasurer purchase cigars for the smoky room that
the committee needs to decide in. The motion to decide by committee
was passed 14 to 11.
Mr. Cohoon that
grabbed the floor and said that Americans are whining. Lots of
families own gas guzzlers like SUVs and they are unneccessary. He
presented: Whereas Americans are irresponsible energy consumers, be
it resolved, that the tax on gasoline should be raised to more
accurately reflect the true environmental, social, and health costs
of it’s use. Respectfully Submitted, Jack Cohoon.
Mr. Crouse said
that America needs cars because point A, B, and C are so far apart.
People should pay their fair share though.
Ms. Johnson
likes her bright red Camero, but get rid of all the ugly SUVs.
Mr. Goodhew said
that Americans are arrogant and will never change cars. We need to
inform the public of alternative modes that are available.
Ms. Boggs
(Guest) said that she is a whinny, spoiled, college girl and will
never give up her sunbird. She did offer an explosive alternative
though - Hydrogen. It’s efficient and only produces water.
Then, from
accross the way, a very brave Mr. Simko entered to read the response
to the debate team challenge. PK chose to be the affirmative and
they look forward to a great debate.
Mr. Slone then
continued, briefly pausing to allow a Demosthenian Cheer, twice. He
then said that the tax hike would be like a band-aid on a leaky
dam. We haven’t made any progress on the energy efficiency front
because the major car companies keep the technology secret.
Ms. Webb cited
the Fat of the Land, where women find out that kitchen fat
will serve as an ideal fuel. We can produce our own fuel to move us
around.
Mr. Goggans said
that the heart of the resolution is in the right place, shame the
brain isn’t. The tax should be placed against oil producers, not
the consumers.
Mr. Cooper said
we are finally seeing the negative consequences of increased gas
price. We need to protect the environment, but a tax increase is
not the way.
Mr. Lemoine
(Guest) said that when the government controls the economy by
taxation it almost becomes a Marxis Communist Russia. Using less
gas should be a personal decision.
Mr. Pyrdum then
pleaded the government to legislate morality! People will do harm
unknowingly given the opportunity and it’s the duty of the
government to make decisions regarding the welfare of the people.
The question was
called and failed 6 to 9.
Mr. Callahan
then took the floor to present a never-used ANM resolution. Be
free! Be your own person! He presented, Be it resolved, everybody
should pose nude at least once in their lifetime, Jeffery Bernard
Callahan. He then refused to give Demosthenian Women $50 each for
their services.
Mr. Patton said
that there is something enchanting about standing nude before an
audience, especially yourself! Some people are just not attractive
- particulary grandma.
Ms. Boggs
(guest) is a self-proclaimed streaker and has commited several nude
offenses. She is very confident about her body, as everybody should
be.
Ms. Graham
(guest) likes her body, but doesn’t have to stand naked in front of
a mirror to prove it. You are going to be less confident about your
body if you do that.
The question was
called and failed 6 to 13.
We adjourned at
10:10 subject to Ms. Johnson’s detailed critic’s report.
Mr.
Rivner’s Vasectomy
Many years from
now Mr. Rivner will be completely different. Once he leaves the
surroundings of Demosthenian he will lose all his intellectual
integrity. Here’s one of the stories from his future: After having
his 12th child with an Alabama lady, Mr. Rivner decided that he had
had enough (he could no longer afford a doublewide). So, the he went
Valdosta, 2 miles from his home to his doctor, Ms. Arnold, and told
her that he and his cousin err… wife didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. She instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to his ear and count to 10. Mr. Rivner said to Ms. Arnold, "I may
not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, he drove to
Macon to get a second opinion. Mr. Roca was just about to tell them
about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed how stupid the
man was. Mr. Roca instead told Mr. Rivner to go home and get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear
and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be
wrong, Mr. Rivner went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4,
5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.…
Respectfully
Submitted, Karl Goodhew |
University of Georgia 