Minutes of the DLS: February 12, 2004

Before I begin I would just like to share the tragic news that 300 sheep died earlier this week in a highway accident in New Zealand. Ah, the advanced nations of the world.

Mr. Vick began last week with “BIR: Part 1: We shall have a special meeting on Saturday, February 21st, 2004 and Part 2: We shall retain the meeting on Thursday, February 19, 2004,” gleefully submitted, Charles “The Sweeper” Vick. He also said that we would be cleaning the hall on Friday night, since we would be debating on Thursday.

Mr. Keenan opposed our cleaning the hall on Friday, saying we should instead hire immigrant laborers to do it for us. When Mr. Elliot asked if we could not use that same money to buy booze instead, Mr. Keenan pointed out that we would buy booze anyway. He also reminded us that he is an incredibly beautiful man.

Mr. Addison then rose to channel the spirits of Mary Webb, Ray Patton, and Ann Graham. He demanded his Thursday night off and asked us what other Thursday night we could go out drinking?

I then said that she liked the sound of her voice and wanted to debate on Thursday. She also pointed out that having a meeting on Thursday night would not prevent Mr. Addison from going downtown and drinking. Mr. Flanagan, acting secretary at the time, drew me a lovely smiley face stick man.

Mr. Miller said that the old tradition was to clean up on Thursday night and we should take advantage of the chance to speak before alumni on Thursday since they will be speaking before us on Saturday.

Ms. D’Andrea then told us that we will need a lot of cleaning time since someone, probably male, peed on the bathroom floor.

The resolution was then called, with part 1 passing 17 to 2 and part 2 passing 18 to 3, after which Mr. Vick cleaned up the bathroom. We love you Charlie. Mr. Keenan then pointed out that it was a “Vick-“ tory.

Next, Mr. Keenan rose to tell us that there are over 25,000 separate law enforcement agencies in the United States and “BIR: America should have a centralized system of law enforcement.”

Mr. Moulds said this was a horrible idea and said that such a system would be unable to enforce local laws. “Do you want the FBI to weigh trucks,” he asked.

I then pointed out that the various law enforcement groups did not share enough information and that by uniting them under such a system, you could improve communication, especially of forensic data and material.

Ms. Keyes-Blumer opposed the resolution, saying that it will simply create one huge bureaucracy. While she supports the creation of unified information systems, unifying the agencies is not such a good idea.

Mr. Elliot claimed that hell had just frozen over since he and I agreed on something. He said that no one likes to share information and that by combining these different agencies we will be able to eliminate duplicate jobs.

Mr. Addison told us that the people benefited by keeping the different agencies separate. By grouping all of these groups together, we will be changing the loyalties of their employees.

Ms. Duncan felt that the current system was inefficient but that democracy itself was as well. She thinks that a local law enforcement system works better than one run by the federal government would.

Mr. Misztal claims that this is certain to happen anyway because of inefficiencies in the current system and funding issues. He pointed out that the federal government already controlled local law enforcement agencies because they funded them.

Ms. Prabhakar claimed that the American spirit opposed centralization. The issue poor communication can be corrected within the current system without centralizing it like this; this plan will simply give people new titles without actually changing anything.

Mr. Keenan, acting secretary at the time, then notes that everyone who spoke against his resolution should be put on the no sex list.

Mr. Miller felt that a large organization is not more accountable for its actions and said that Libertarians were able to be elected to these smaller local positions, like Sheriff. He also, according to Mr. Keenan, made reference to “Escape from LA.”

Mr. Vick said that the federal government should be in charge of campus security so they could get neat fighter planes and hover outside your dorm room window. He felt this plan for getting larger guns should included SLC security, making Mr. Wesley a very happy man.

The question was then called and failed 5 to 12 among members and 0 to 7 among guests. Ms. Keyes-Blumer abstained because she no longer understands the nature of the resolution. Mr. Lerner asked that it be noted Mr. Elliot is out of Mr. Lerner’s peripheral vision when he stands up. It is also noted that hell froze over since Mr. Elliot and I agreed and actually voted the same on a resolution.

Mr. Moulds then presented “BIR: George W. Bush should be re-elected as President of the United States. *This is not an official endorsement by the society.”

Mr. Owens rose with “OH MY GOD!” and spoke of his issues with George Bush’s policies. He told us “it’s like saying if my feet are in blocks of ice and my head’s on fire, then I’m doing okay overall.” He also asked that Bush be put on the no sex list, a measure I wholly support because politics aside, the idea of him having sex is pretty gross.

Mr. Addison supported the resolution by saying that the war was credible and that Bush was a leader. He said that it was fine if the world hated us because we have bowed to them for too long.

I then rose in opposition to the resolution and the minutes say “she’s really pissed.” I think that about covers it.

Mr. Vick said that we should put money into stem cell research instead of the Mars mission. Stem cells don’t have souls and neither does his arm; if his arm gets cut off in a horrible cleaning accident, he wants them to be able to grow him a new one.

Ms. Aaron claimed that President Bush was like a really dumb school bus driver and that the problem isn’t just with him, but with his whole evil cadre. This evil cadre will doom us all, as will Bush’s new proposed budget.

Ms. Brown, a guest, said that Mr. Addison supports Bush because they both mispronounce things, earning her a cool point from Mr. Elliot. She then told us that Bush had broken 5 pages worth of campaign promises.

Mr. Misztal said that this must really be a joke resolution – realism is a bad foreign policy and that the EU is a better guarantor of world peace.

Mr. Elliot accused the society of being a hostile environment for conservatives. He told us that Dean said crazy things and ran out of money, Kerry is rich himself and will thus support the wealthy, and Edwards is a nobody. Bush is the lesser of all evils.

Ms. Prabhakar said that the Democratic candidates were horrible. She pointed out that it is a different world now than it used to be and that Bush was the person to lead us.

Mr. Miller claimed that this was about who should be elected, not who will be elected. He said that both Kerry and Bush were not right for the job and for a minute there he almost made me want to vote for the Libertarian candidate, but I don’t remember who he was now.

Mr. Martinson, after asking “please, sir, may I have the flo’r,” told us that this debate was making him have flashbacks to Crossfire. Presidents, whether Democratic or Republican, do the same thing and nothing ever changes.

Ms. Duncan said that not liking a candidate’s opponents was a bad reason to vote for them. This attitude elects bad leaders. Give third party candidates a chance.

Ms. Crawford told us about Bush’s funding to fight AIDS in Africa and of his opposition to prison rape. She said that both of these things will help the world and show that Bush is a humanitarian.

The question was called and failed 5 to 15 among members and 0 to 5 among guests.

Mr. Misztal rose with “BIR: The Preamble of the Constitution shall be changed as following: the phrase ‘and by these means we may acquire benefits and contract friendships which shall not be forgotten when we meet in the serious business of life’ shall be added to the third line following the word ‘manner.’” The resolution was tabled until this week.

Mr. Moulds then presented, “BIR: Article III, Section 3 of the Constitution should be changed as followed: ‘closing debate on a question and any call for adjournment shall require a ¾ majority vote’.” It too was tabled for this week.

Next, I brought up that dreaded holiday with “BIR: It is better to celebrate Lupercalia on February 14th than St. Valentine’s Day.”

Mr. Owens said he wanted someone to say “Remember February 14? You said you would!” to and reminded us that he is not yet on the no-sex list.

Ms. Aaron was insulted by this attack on Valentine’s Day because it was the one day of the year she could force her boyfriend to buy her things and then go buy discount chocolate the next day.

Ms. Brown, a guest, then told us that Valentine’s Day was her day to be inundated with gifts and that it was a wonderful holiday if you spent it with someone you truly cared about.

Mr. Addison complained about how much work Valentine’s Day was for guys, but said that it was worth it to have an opportunity to prove his love.

Mr. Lerner told us about his 10-year streak of bad Valentine’s Days. I was too traumatized to pay attention, though, after his story involving an old lady, some Crisco, and a cucumber.

Mr. Miller said that we could celebrate Lupercalia AND Valentine’s Day together on February 14.

Mr. Misztal warned us about what a horrible Lupercalia you could have. He then completely lost his mind.

Mr. Martinson said that he dislikes the idea of both Lupercalia and Valentine’s Day and is going to spend February 14 playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Ms. Hines told us that Valentine’s Day is important because you love people and if it is just another day in your relationship it shows you just how much you love each other.

Mr. Misztal, the acting secretary, has then drawn a stick figure with a whip with an arrow indicating it is not Indiana Jones.

Mr. Theiss then gave the most depressing speech I have ever heard. He told us of how, after being lonely for a while, he has made it is life’s goal to be leanly. He wants his adopted third world children to hate him and dance on his grave.

At this point in the minutes, Mr. Misztal has drawn Mr. Theiss as a stick figure offering up his heart and soul to us all.

Ms. Keyes-Blumer said that Valentine’s Day was just a time when people complained and it would be better to celebrate Lupercalia.

The resolution passed 9 to 7 among members and failed 1 to 2 among guests.

It is then note that Mr. Theiss needs a hug, Mr. Owens was too depressed to vote, Valentine’s Day is just a mutual agreement for sex, and Mr. Miller says that Mr. Theiss is a tall strapping young lad.

Mr. Elliot presented “Whereas the dating world is a very dangerous place, “BIR: There should be a Noble Prize for wingmen/wingwomen.” He also claimed that he would never again present a resolution because Ms. Aaron kept threatening him with physical harm.

Mr. Miller said that being a wingman offered one an opportunity to better your social skills and this was something our society needed.

Mr. Theiss said “Christianity teaches us we need to be more like Christ and who is more like Christ than the wingman.” He is, however, unsure as to if Jesus is his wingman. Mr. Keenan, meanwhile, was screaming “Amen Mr. Theiss” and dancing around.

Mr. Addison opposed the resolution because although being a wingman is a dangerous, dirty job, it should also be something you do for a friend, not recognition. Of course, there is also the understanding that the favor will be returned.

Mr. Misztal yelled how his being a wingman once resulted in leather thongs, and whips, and… and… and... fled screaming out of the upper chamber.

Ms. Aaron said that in middle school she was always stuck dating the wingmen and they are all con-artists that paved the way for a world filled with bitter, over-educated feminists. However, in response to Mr. Owens’ question, she did acknowledge that a human sized penguin was the ultimate wingman.

The question was called and failed 8 to 6 among members and 0 to 2 among guests. Mr. Moulds abstained because we were depressing him. Mr. Elliot then pointed out that he didn’t mean to depress everyone because this was a joke. And while Ms. Aaron does not hold Mr. Elliot personally responsible for the situation, Mr. Misztal does.

We then adjourned after what Mr. Owens referred to as “his really long thing,” a claim which, this time, actually proved true as it lasted 35 minutes. “Ouch,” Mr. Owens said.

Respectfully Submitted,
Jennifer Skrmetti