Minutes of the DLS: April 1, 2004

What is your age?
What is your height?
What is your eye color?
What is color is your pancreas?

Do you have any allergies?
Do you take any medications?
Do you have any significant medical conditions such as epilepsy or asthma?
Did you know that in many foreign countries, epilleptics and asthmatics are considered delicacies?

What is your weight?
What is your weight on the moon?
What do you mean you don't know?
The last guy in here knew. Are you just stupid or what?

Do you have any pets, loved ones, or significant others?
How sure are you that they will be safe while you're gone?
I mean, there are terrorists and stuff out there, you know?
Do you really want to live with the fear that we might give a terrorist your home address while you're gone?

Do you have a toilet in your home?
Do you use toilet paper?
Did you know that some countries use newspaper to wipe their butts?
Did you know that other countries use poison ivy leaves and sandpaper? Wouldn't you prefer triple-ply?

What is your father's name?
What is your mother's name?
What is your date of birth?
What is the date and location of your conception? You know, like where your mom and dad did it?

Do you have a birth certificate?
Do you have a proof of residency?
Do you have a picture ID?
Do you have any idea how absolutely idiotic you look in this picture?

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Have you ever considered committing a felony?
If you had to kill a guy to travel abroad, would you do it?
There is a guy blindfolded in the next room. Here is a gun. How bad do you want it?

Here are the minutes for April 1, 2004.

The meeting started off with the joyful acceptance of Miss Benton into the society. Congrats and welcome!

We then moved into the election of a new faculty advisor, and after a short and enthusiastic debate during which Mr. Elliot acknowledged that he would have sex with Mr. Wesley after enough drinks, Dr. John Murphy was chosen to replace his fiance, the lovely and talented Dr. Lindquist.

In programs, we were addressed by Blake Tillery, a student running for the County Commission here in Athens. Despite his good looks and charming southern accent, his success among the society was doomed when it was learned had not watched enough Monty Python to understand the humor in the question, “What is your quest?”

Then the real fun of the night began: Oration and Declamation.

Mr. Misztal started things off with a speech about how although we do not need the society across the way, we benefit from having them there and should try to infiltrate them Gestapo style.

Mr. Theiss then shared with us about his faith and how Christianity should be about love, not grabbing someone by the throat and bludgeoning them with a Bible.

Mr. Keenan then showed us how women have to be aggressive and ruthless to succeed in business, like Martha Stewart.

Mr. Smith explained why he was not a Christian, but how he still respects religion because it represents humanity's best hopes and aspirations.

Mr. Moulds then ripped Mr. Tillery apart with his impeccable logic. He accused Mr. Tillery of running on the Red and Black platform and pandering to students.

Miss Crawford then gave a speech suggesting we hold a formal dance with the Heapers.

Mr. Trivedi then gave us interesting insight into who he really is--a gay, masturbating fornicator, apparently.

Next, Mr. Elliot tried to convince us that beer is the best form of alcohol. “Carbonated beer water,” he said emphatically, “Is better than no beer at all!”

Miss Aaron read a slightly sad, but very well written short story called “Life without Sex” which is currently entered in a competition with the GA Young Writer's Association.

Mr. Miller gave a speech defending the idea that the biggest limit on the economy is the human mind, so we should try to eliminate the restrictions on it.

Finally, Mr. Register, a guest, gave a hilarious list of reasons why none of us should ask him how tall he is. But Mr. Register, wouldn't you like to hear about my cousin who is also unusually tall?

After a (supposedly) five minute recess, we began Declamation.

Mr. Addison read a series of amusing but pointed articles by Louis Grizzard about whiskey, southern accents, and honorable veterans.

Miss Benton then gave a moving Funeral Oration for Pericles, originally delivered by Thucydides.

Mr. Wesley read a letter from Zell Miller to the President about discrimination against Hillbillys.

Mr. Misztal gave Dwight Eisenhower's Cross of Iron speech about the post WWII Soviet Union.

Mr. Keenan surprised everyone by how natural he looked in a CAT hat with a Miller Lite in his hand as he regaled us with a selection from Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Ms. Keyes-Blumer exhorted us to fight silly political correctness and unreasonable norms with a speech by Charlton Heston.

Mr. Owens then skillfully delivered the bitterly patriotic “America” by Allen Ginsburg.

Ms. Hines startled us with a series of unsettling quotes from men and women with eating disorders.

Ms. Perle, a guest, read “Defending Free Speech in Your Time” which warned against excessive curtailing of liberty in times of war.

Mr. Hansen then passionately read a speech on the liberation of the Congo.

Ms. Phillips, a guest, read some of Ayn Rand's ideas about money.

Next, Miss Aaron confused us all with selection from her textbook from Women in the Early Church. She then broke it down for us--all the pseudo-intellectual babble basically amounted to “making stuff up.”

Mr. Miller then serenaded us with a song explaining the philosophy of Emmanuel Kant, after which Mr. Owens had it noted that it was the first time he had ever actually understood Kant.

That ended Declamation, but, much to everyone's surprise, not the meeting, as we moved into new business with a speech from Mr. Addison. Unfortunately, we never got an actual resolution from him before time was called, but Miss Keyes-Blumer rose to speak on “BIR: Eating disorders are a disease of affluence and we should not pitty (sic) it. Respectfully, Matt Addison.” She said that this disease was caused by family pressure and could be inflamed by pressure from coaches.

Mr. Wesley used historical evidence about Victorian women to show us that eating disorders ARE a disease of the affluent, but it is a societal problem.

Miss Aaron said that eating disorders affect the lower classes, too, through obesity and that people without control deserve pity.

Mr. Misztal blamed the media and warned that as soon as you deny people pity, you become uncivilized.

Mr. Theiss told us that those afflicted deserve our compassion, but not our pity, because it is a matter of choice.

Mr. Owens disagreed, saying that eating disorders are not merely a matter of choice because people suffering from them have a skewed vision of self.

Mr. Miller reminded us that comparatively, all America is affluent and also that granting pity is not a favor, it is recognizing a sad state of affairs.

The question was called and failed 4 to 8 among the members and 0 to 2 among the guests.

It was then noted that Mr. Addison misspelled pity.

The ever eager Mr. Addison rose again to present “BIR: Man does not desire freedom, only a just master.”

Mr. Moulds spoke next admitting that the resolution was very good, but suggesting we table it so we could debate it in a less drowsy state.

We were adjourned by one vote, and it was noted that we silenced several members that wanted to speak.

Mr. Trivedi gave a brief but solid critic's report and we all trundled off to our warm cozy beds at three in the morning.

Respectfully Submitted,
Emily Anne Crawford (Acting Secretary)