| You might have thought – or even been disappointed – that nudity
seemed to be out of the news, since Janet Jackson has not had
any more wardrobe malfunctions. But I’m here to reassure you that
this is not the case.
Take, for example, Alan John Kiernan who had his own wardrobe
malfunction while going through Bangkok Customs. Mr. Kiernan
was stopped by police for wandering around without a shirt.
Much to their surprise, they then discovered $100,000 worth
of ecstasy pills in his pants. Now possibly facing the death
penalty for initially being caught without a shirt, Mr. Kiernan
was quoted as saying, “shit happens.”
Even more nudity is to be found in Vancouver where the University
of British Columbia is considering building two high-rise dorms
on the cliffs overlooking the area’s world-famous nude beach.
Nudists from the beach have protested, proclaiming that the
dorms will ruin their privacy. The University president said
they plan to run “tests” in June to determine if the plan will
be approved.
But now, here are the minutes for the meeting of April 8, 2004,
where there was, alas, no nudity.
The meeting began with 3 returning guests and 1 alumnus. We
then welcomed Ms. Perle into society.
Next, we progressed to the Hatton-Lovejoy Courtroom, to debate
with the heapers, “BIR: limitations based
on country of origin are an ethical means to restrict immigration
into the United States.”
Mr. Ballard began the debate with a brilliant speech, defining
terms, discussing the social contract, and challenging the society
across the way to come up with a better plan.
A member of the other society then spoke, asking what “based
on” really meant and assured us that their team really did want
to fight TERRORISM.
The lovely and talented Ms. D’Andrea presented that what was
ethical was what did the best for the most people.
As a lost member of the Beach Boys questioned her about TERRORISM,
I began to wonder if the Heap was secretly hiding an al-Queda
cell.
The other society’s Fox News anchorwoman told us of laws from
1924 and spoke of Canadian immigration law. But I ask you, who
wants to immigrate to Canada?
TERRORISM the next heaper speaker shouted! Mr. Trivedi masterfully
countered these claims, but, alas, few listened.
As the final heaper spoke, I began to wonder if their immigration
questionnaire would ask “are you a terrorist, please check yes
or no.”
Mr. Lerner then spoke of the wonderful things immigrants and
their children bring to our nation, such as Jonas Saulk and
his penecillian shot.
Alas, the final decision by the judges was 2-1 against us.
We then returned to the hall and, after cleansing it of the
contamination of the other society, discussed the situation.
Mr. Wesley got things started by reminding us that, sometimes,
bad things happen to good people. Moreover, he spoke of how
little faith the Heapers must have had in their team, since
there was no one to be found in their hall when he took a sizable
bet to present before them. But, in the end, at least Mr. Smith
didn’t have to lose ten pounds.
Mr. Theiss charged forth with “before there was football, there
was Demosthenian… before there was the Arch, there was Demosthenian…
we are the best.”
Mr. Addison acknowledged the debate team’s effort, knowledge,
and integrity. He went on to argue that it wasn’t really a loss
because we were able to cultivate a correct mode of speaking.
Ms. Aaron then claimed that the debate was kind of like “pissin’
on a hobo” and that the hobo had now risen from his urine-soaked
cardboard box and was shaking his stick at us. Our purpose is
now to punch said hobo in the teeth.
It is then noted that the hand of God looks like a hand puppet.
Ms. D’Andrea spoke of what a great experience being on the
debate team had been, even though lots of disagreement happened
in her apartment, although not the screaming “yes” kind, much
to Mr. Trivedi’s dismay.
Mr. Trivedi first said that it was all his fault because he
shaved his beard on Sunday and he should have known better because
normally when he shaves his beard, people die. He then said
that it was also all Mr. Lerner’s fault and regaled us with
the tale of the library IM conversation with pussypoker###.
Mr. Lerner acknowledged that in the past he had wanted to cut
all ties with the society across the way since they had nothing
to teach us, but his view has now changed because they were
able to find a flaw in the team’s argument and expose it. We
should use this as an opportunity to help us grow.
Mr. Miller spoke of inter-society debates back in the old days,
when there were losses, ties, and wins. He argued that we debated
for ourselves, to gain experience. He then invented the word
“bootstrappy.”
Mr. Ballard told us that his grandfather, an alum of the society,
had last been to a meeting in 1982 and thought the quality of
debate had lessened since he was a member. He then said that
he thought the debate now was better than anything they had
in his time. The Mr. Ballards were honored to be part of this
society.
Ms. Keyes-Blumer was honored to be the alternate alternate
and spoke of how she had learned to listen by being a part of
the team.
Ms. Brown said that the society’s behavior shows how great
we are – everyone had been a good sport, honestly acknowledging
what we did right and what we did wrong. She is honored to be
a member.
Mr. Owens then rose to say that we win every time we enter
this building and every time we debate. He told us, “they’re
the brickheap club, we’re the Demosthenian Literary Society.”
New business then began with Mr. Moulds speaking of how many
facts the Traditions Council had gotten wrong in the Red and
Black and to tell us how important it was to prevent our traditions
and history from being re-written.
Ms. Ballou claimed that this was actually part of a larger
problem of mis-information about the society and reminded us
of others’ claims that we were a scary secret society.
Mr. Owens then apologized for accusing Mr. Lerner of disciplining
Ms. Ballou.
It is then noted that even after receiving multiple emails,
the Red and Black refused to print an apology or corrections.
Ms. Aaron then presented a wonderful and funny critic’s report
during which Mr. Lerner and Mr. Addison fell asleep on the bench
and Mr. Wesley tried to eat his tie.
RS, Jennifer Skrmetti
|
University of Georgia 