Minutes of the DLS: January 20, 2005

The meeting began with a committee report. Followed by another. Then another. The meeting actually began with a committee report from every single committee in the society. Mercifully, this did not scare off any of our four first time guests.

Mr. Duffy then rose to present:
BIR:Society should not criticize stereotyped girls for pursuing their comparative advantage. Respectfully submitted, Alan Duffy.

Miss Prabhakar agreed with the resolution, saying that the Greeks she knows will be the most successful people after they graduate UGA. One wonders if she was talking about being successful at those unparalleled scrapbooks sorority girls make.

Miss Brown disagreed, saying that it is not ok to use beauty over smarts, especially when you lord that beauty over people just to make them feel bad.

Miss McFarland, incensed by this resolution, made the point that even a stupid blonde will take forty dollars out of your wallet on a date. To which Mr. Ballard responded, “D’oh!”

Mr. Burkhart urged us to remember that beautiful people are people too. I suppose this means we should stop worshipping Mr. Ballard like he is a God.

Mr. Elliot pointed out that women are more than yard ornaments. Mr. Elliot, is the lectern really the place to bring up your peculiar affinity for garden gnomes?

Mr. Theiss rose to say that comparative advantage comes from intelligence and creativity and that it endures long after beauty.

I rose to disagree with the resolution because its underlying belief was flawed.

Miss Keyes-Blumer told us about how cheerleaders at her high school were more likely to drop out or become pregnant and called for moderation on the issue.

Miss Duncan asserted that the resolution is about conformity and reminded us that the timeframe for pursuing comparative advantage as a model is only ten years.

Miss Pearl considers herself an intelligent person even though she dresses like Mary Tyler Moore. She her argument was slightly weakened when she started singing “You’re gonna make it after all!”

Mr. Ballard suggested that intelligence is not always the best route, but that we should know the alternatives before choosing.

Mr. Williamson encouraged us not to look at people as only intelligent or only beautiful, but to allow for the possibility of a blend. Unfortunately, the society was too blinded by Mr. Williamson’s dashing good looks to hear what he said.

Mr. Weiss rose to disagree with the resolution, mentioning that he preffered popular science to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and miraculously managed to escape from being thrown out of the upper chamber.

Mr. Lewis, a guest, reminded us that you can fake beauty with make-up and push-up bras, but that brains merit respect.

The resolution passed 9/8 among members, 6/2 among guests, and 1/0 among alumni.

Mr. Elliot then presented:
Be it resolved: You have the right to oppress yourself. Respectfully submitted, John Elliot.

Miss Brown argued that oppressing yourself brings others down with you.

Miss Prabhakar said that no one will choose oppression over freedom. But Miss Prabhakar, what about your tendency toward autoerotic asphyxiation?

Mr. Martinson disagreed with the resolution on the basis that oppressing yourself means oppressing all others in your situation, a claim he never really substantiated.

Mr. Burkhart gave a stirring speech in which he cited the reformation, eloquently stating, “The church was being a bunch of poopheads.”

In true Republican fashion, Mr. Theiss proposed that stupidity is can be oppression. Perhaps if he does get his own country one day, he will enforce a Stalinistic regime on the uneducated and handicapped.

Mr. Smith disagreed with the resolution because it endorsed a logical contradiction.

Mr. Williamson made the point that subdivisions can be a form of self oppression. Oh, the cruel, cruel oppression of the subdivisions. How nefarious to insist that people mow their lawns!

Mr. Duffy rose to remind us that in Canada, even highly educated people sometimes choose to practice Sharia because of religious heritage.

Mr. Ballard pointed out that joining the military is a form of self oppression that can be rational and said that the resolution only worked with perfect information. Has Mr. Ballard ever been to a military recruitment officer? They are not known for their dispensing of perfect information.

Miss Keyes Blumer agreed with the resolution because cults even those as insidious as, say, Demosthenian, are joined willingly!

An alumni from thirty years ago urged us to look at ourselves as an indignant Muslim might.

The resolution passed 8/5 among members (with Miss Pearl abstaining), tied 1/1 among guests, and failed 0/1 among alumni.

It was noted that some of our alumni are awesome.

Mr. Weiss then presented
Be it Resolved: The fonz is a better fictional character than George Washington. Soon after, he was ejected from the upper chamber.

Mr. Theiss rose to say that it was the worst resolution he had ever heard, and was ejected from the upper chamber.

Mr. Martinson then noted that “this has already gotten a little boring.”

Mr. Elliot rose to say that we should be debating better characters like Archie Bunker and Homer Simpson.

Mr. Ballard then called the resolution the most pressing issue of our time, but said that he liked Andy Griffith best.

Mr. Martinson revealed that the fonz is his spiritual guide. This explained a lot.

Ms. McFarland disagreed with the resolution because George Washington survived hardships and got a job, whereas the fonz’s greatest accomplishment was getting herpes three times.

Miss Pearl disagreed with the resolution because George Washington had 1776, the musical written about him, and he was once played by Jeff Daniels, the guy from Full House.

Mr. Hansen rose to disagree with the res. Quoting, “Mr. Johnson, move your fat ass.”

This resolution failed, 3/7 among members, 0/2 among guests and 0/1 among alumni. Mr. Martinson noted that he was devastated.

Mr. Theiss then presented:
B.I.R. The U.S. should use its military might to impose proper bathroom facilities throughout the world.
R.S. John Henry Theiss

Miss Prabhakar rose to agree with the resolution, calling those in countries with sub par bathrooms “savages,” and then gleefully noting that she could do this with impunity, because she is brown.

The resolution was tabled, and after an entertaining and informative critics report by John Elliot, we adjourned for pizza at Little Italy.