Minutes of the DLS: February 19, 2005

The president began the meeting by convening the 203rd anniversary of the Demosthenian Literary Society. We had three speakers, Dick Yarborough, syndicated columnist, Jim Virga, photojournalist, and Marsha Campbell, curator of the Robert Toombs house in Washington, Ga. After they spoke to us, we moved into the alumni debate.

Miss Skrmetti presented:
Whereas women’s studies programs have misrepresented women’s choices, Be It Resolved they have destroyed the spirit of feminism.

Miss Steinburg, in a feminist fury unseen since her graduation, claimed that we should be looking at the “rainbow of women’s studies,” clearly trying to sneak in a subtle plea for lesbianism.

Mr. Kennedy then proclaimed “Evolution has evolved!” and so has feminism. He also claimed that Playboy could be the great feminist magazine.

Sounding a bit like a republican pundit bashing the Democrats, Miss Ballou then claimed that feminists are “anti traditionalist” and “anti family”

Mr. Furr spoke of the three years he put into a PhD. in Social Science, before he realized that all his professors were completely out of touch with the real world, like women’s studies are completely separate from the reality of women’s lives.

Mr. Theiss claimed that we should switch to a degree in gender studies, and unselfishly stated, “I’m willing to do my part in bearing children!”

Mr. Ballard blamed the overwhelmingly liberal academia for a stagnant marketplace of ideas.

We then took a 10 minute recess, after which Dr. Catherine Babb gave a fascinating speech on “white people.”

Then we switched back to debate, and Miss Keyes-Blumer urged us to keep Women’s studies but agreed with the spirit of the resolution.

Mrs. Stuart spoke of an undeserved B in women’s studies due to the prejudice of her professor.

Mr. Van Meter then questioned whether feminism needed the movement it had needed past years, but encourage society to pursue equal values.

Mr. Hansen gave the most awesome speech ever when he explained that the phallus really could intrinsically be an instrument of oppression, citing female hyenas and their pseudopenises.
“Lie back and think of England,” said Miss Benton, suggesting that women’s studies can produce a dangerous us vs. them mentality.

Miss Renert then spoke of a Macedonian friend turned from a confident, self assured woman into someone scared who wanted to be dominated, as an argument against feminism.

Mr. Martinson bemoaned the fact that women aren’t seen as initiators and therefore, probably won’t ask him out.

The resolution passed 7/4 among alumni, failed 7/13 among members and tied 6/6 among guests.

It was noted that Mr. Weiss the lesser was added to the no sex list and that all four alums who voted against the res. Were men.

Mr. Choi then presented
BIR: Morality springs not from religion, but religion from morality. Respectfully, S. Cheong Choi

Mr. Furr claimed that religion stems from bad brains and said that the only moral we should hold is not to hurt other people.

Mr. Lerner, ever the nonconformist, said that both options are bad.

Sounding slightly schizophrenic, Mr. Owens said, “We have this voice in our head,” and religion and morality are our ways of explaining it.

Mrs. Stuart, agreeing with the resolution, spoke of working with a homiciadal, pyromaniacal kid in speech pathology and his inability to distinguish right and wrong.

Miss Ballou claimed that causation for morality and religion can go both ways.

Mr. Kennedy said that the root religion and morality came from people trying to exact control on others. He then urged us to sell all our worldly possessions and give the profits to him, if we wanted to ensure our eternal destination.

Mr. Vick said that when terrible people have fluffy, happy religious beliefs, it’s like slander.

I then urged religious people to have a less literal look at the Bible to understand morality better.

Mr. Sparks, a guest, then suggested that morality and religion and morality evolved that the same time, and that we must evolve with them to save our own species.

Mr. Misztal then said that religion needs people to be religious, and thus creates consequences for leaving the church. How brilliant. I thought the church just threw in that whole burning eternally in a lake of fire for kicks and giggles. Apparently it was just to keep people in the pews Sunday mornings.

Mr. Theiss said that a moral code was not essential to religion but that there is a philosophical spirit behind every religion.

Miss Hines said that there is not a link between morality and religion, because people adopt religion to understand the world or because they want salvation.

Mr. Weiss then claimed that people don’t follow the practices of their religions and therefore the resolution doesn’t hold up. I guess if people didn’t follow the practice of democracy, like voting, democracy would be totally moot, too.

Mr. Hansen shared statistics about high incarceration rates for born again Christians and claimed that this is because, when religion makes God a third party to morality, people act worse.

Mr. Ballard claimed that acts of courage and nobility in the face of overwhelming evil prove there is a God.

Miss Keyes-Blumer disagreed with the resolution because there is nothing in religion that applies to all beings, or to base a moral on.

Miss Wilkinson then said that religion helps remind her of what is right, but it doesn’t force anyone to be moral.

Miss Renert stated that the two spring from each other. She said that all morality is based on religion and therefore, it is not possible to be moral w/o religion. Apparently she hasn’t met any of the numerous virtuous atheists and agnostics of DLS.

The resolution failed among alumni, 0/1 and among members 1/10, and 2/3 among guests.

Mr. Duffy abstained because he doesn’t believe in morality.

Then, we welcomed our three newest members into the society, Miss Kovall, Miss Ward and Mr. Dowell. Congratulations, guys, and welcome.

Then, we impeached our esteemed president, which is not recorded in the minutes, because Sara Kravig was secretary, and she decided to doodle pornographic depictions in my notebook rather than taking notes.

Mr. Earle then gave the Historian’s address address on behalf of poor, laryngitis wrought Miss Pearle. The acting secretary records him mentioning the fireplaces, the censor morum report, and “many other foolish incoherencies.” The secretary also suggested using the fireplaces upstairs, because “It’d be awesome!” Awesome in the sense of not awesome at all when our 200 year old pine building burst into flames, destroying the Society’s membership, alumni and physical presence on campus forever!

I then presented
BIR: Addiction is the opposite of personal freedom.

Mr. Theiss, while hopping around without his shirt on, disagreed with the resolution because addiction IS freedom.

“What if you’re addicted to God, huh?” said, Mr. Register, saying that addiction is an option of personal freedom.

Mr. Vick claimed that addiction starts as a choice, but becomes something you have to do, pausing mid speech to strangle Mr. Register with his coat and tie.

Mr. Lerner then claimed that addiction actually allows an opportunity to demonstrate personal freedom.

An alumna then rose to demonstrate her addiction to red wine.

Mr. Weiss, then rose to beg someone to ask him to go to Ramsey on AOL instant messenger.

Mr. Ballard claimed that anarchy is the ultimate expression of personal freedom.

Mr. Hanson said that he could not manage moderation.

It was noted that Miss Keyes-Blumer was really drunk.

It passed among members 4/2 and among guests 2/1.

I then presented
BIR: It takes a madman like Saddam Hussein to preserve stability in the Middle East.

Mr. Kennedy then said that democracy might be hard, but that it takes time to gain stability.

Mr. Theiss said that the problem with dictatorship is that it tends not to work. This has not stopped him from trying to become a dictator, however.

Mr. Wesley stated that we have given Iraq rhetoric. He then said that he had forgotten his speech, but he knew he was drunk.

Mr. Furr then said that Wolfowitz is wrong, that U.S. forces were not greeted as liberators.
Mr. Weiss then read the address and walked out of the room, just to get off the bench. Genius!

Mr. Hansen said that complex systems only exist to ensure their collapse.

An alum then said that the amont of pornography in a country was directly related to its standard of living, so Mr. Duffy asked, “Are you saying that Iraq doesn’t need democratic elections, but democratic erections?”

Mr. Williamson compared Saddam Hussein to Hitler and said he feels better at night now because he knows no one will come and blow up Russell Hall.

The resolution failed 5/7.

Mr. Addison then presented
BIR: Libertarianism is a blight on society.

Mr. Theiss said that even though in libertarianism, everyone can do what they want, no one can ever really be free.

Mr. Addison was fined.

Mr. Fleishman claimed that a well designed democracy is a well armed one.

Mr. Vick brought up racial profiling and warned against extreme libertarians.

Mr. Addison then added BIR: Civil rights are a blight on society to the resolution.

I then claimed that the U.S. has a freer press than any other nation, and that is a good thing.

An alumnus then said that we take our safety for granted here.

Mr. Weiss then said that in America you have to have help from someone to be successful.

The first resolution passed 5/0 and the second failed with no votes. The first resolution also passed among guests with one vote.

Mr. Wesley then presented
BIR: Journalists should truely (sic) be held to report truth and honesty in the news and not mere rhetoric and bias.

Mr. Addison said that the FCC requires news on national channels once a day.

I said that bias was inevitable but respect was more important.

Mr. Kennedy, acting secretary at the time, then asserted that Mr. Williamson was drunk when he was speaking, and proceeded to refer to the next two speakers as “the lady in green and black” and “the guy who looks like Wally.”

Mr. Kennedy then gave the last speech of the night, and after the alumni imparted their wisdom, and Mr. Weiss gave his critic’s report, we were adjourned.