| March 3, 2005
After the longest finance committee report ever, Mr. Theiss
presented in old business:
BIR,
The society shall except the recommendations of the Constitutional
Committee; by ratifying the revised addition of the Constitution.
BIFR,
The constitution will take effect for the election of officers
for the Fall semester.
BIFFR,
The constitution will come into full effect once the president
for the Fall ’05 semester is sworn in.
RS.
The Constitutional Committee
John Henry Theiss
Matt Addison
Radhika Prabhakar
He then rose in new business with BIR: The
U.S. should have declared war on the USSR after WWII. R.S.
John Henry Theiss
Miss Duncan then rose with a damning second speech, saying
that it was absurd to look back in time, because there is no
way to know what would have happened. Perhaps in the future
Demosthenian will heed her advice and stick only to non-absurd
resolutions.
Mr. Addison claimed the size, scope and timbre of the times
would not have permitted war. When questioned on his logic,
he said simply, “This is all revisionist history, I’m going
to write it the way I want to.”
Mr. Ballard agreed because America was not ready for sugar
and gas rations during another war. Let’s just hope that Americans
today are no indication of how willing we are to defeat an unjust
leader. America with limited sugar and gas would be like ….
Mr. Williamson supported the resolution saying that we would
have been a modern day Sparta—as in Greece. Glad you cleared
that up for us. Thought you were talking about Sparta, Ga.
Miss Prabhakar said that because of proliferation during the
cold war, now nukes can get into the hands of anybody, and therefore,
she supported the resolution.
Mr. Earle rose in support of the resolution, claiming that
we dropped nuclear bombs on Japan not just to end the war, but
to show them that we mean business. Nothing says I’m serious
like thousands of child leukemia patients.
Mr. Elliot, supporting the resolution, claimed that we pay
for the sin of not supporting the Russian people even today.
Miss Renert disagreed with the resolution because it was not
the right time, and reminded us that the cold war was an ideological
war.
Mr. Misztal said that we should have exhausted all our resources
to kill Stalin and end communism in Russia, and a stupefied
Mr. Theiss noted that for once, he and Mr. Misztal agree on
something.
Mr. Moulds disagreed with the resolution, citing America’s
racism toward Slavs and the fact that Russia would have fought
a dirty war.
Mr. Duffy claimed that had we invaded Russia, Europe would
have seen us as another Hitler, and would have destroyed us.
I’m sure post war France, Britian and Germany would have commanded
a formidable force.
Miss McFarland said that we don’t make treaties with countries
we don’t consider a respectable adversary. She then addressed
Mr. Addison and Mr. Moulds, saying, “Will you two girls quit
flirting with each other?”
Mr. Ballard rose to correct some facts and clarify some of
his points from his first speech in a second speech, making
me very angry and sad.
Mr. Smith then presented: WHEREAS: Mr.
Gerald Allen, of the Alabama House of Representatives, has presented
H.3.30, which would ban books containing homosexual themes from
Alabama’s schools and libraries, and in doing so, Mr. Allin
has committed an act that can only be described as worthy of
the Brickheap,
BE IT RESOLVED: The Demosthenian Literary
Society shall present Mr. Allen with a Brickheap Award.
Be it further resolved, that the secretary
shall write Mr. Allen a letter informing him of his honor.
Disrespectfully submitted,
David M. Smith
Mr. Moulds rose to say, “If you can’t read, what’s the point?”
claiming that this behavior was normal for that state.
Mr. Addison called Allen’s actions “A calculated political
move” to please his constituents.
Mr. Fleischman then rose to express his distaste for the liberal
homosexual agenda permeating our schools these days.
Ms. McFarland called Allen and his resolution “Stupid,” and
called Auburn, every kid’s backup school since 1875.
Mr. Misztal claimed that homosexual literature is a foundation
of art in our country, and urged us not to be shy about calling
out government officials.
Mr. Weiss then suggested starting a Bitchslap award for particularly
stupid people, with a picture of the prez doing this: insert
gesture here.
I then rose to say that the problem is not just in Alabama,
it’s probably in Georgia schools, too.
Mr. Hansen agreed, saying that even Mexico had used government
funding to support gay rights.
Mr. Ballard disagreed with the resolution, because he felt
it was anti-southern.
Mr. Sparks rose to say that taking yourself seriously is the
best way to lose.
Miss Koval said that reading David Sedaris had never made her
turn gay, much to the disappointment of men in the society.
Mr. Dowell said that getting rid of books is a bad idea in
general, especially when the Iliad, one of his favorite books,
would be banned.
Miss Keyes-Blumer said that we should be giving the children
of Alabama a chance, and then said she would be ok with allowing
porn in schools. Perhaps she wants to give Alabama children
a chance at masturbating in the bathroom.
The resolution passed 14/4 among members and 1/0 among guests,
with Mr. Theiss abstaining because Mr. Allen is “crazy like
a fox.”
I then presented Whereas Subway is offering
free 6” subs to women throughout the month of March from the
hours of 10 pm to 2 am, Be it Resolved:
The DLS should adjourn to Subway throughout the month of
March.
Respectfully submitted, Emily Crawford
It was noted in the minutes that my speech involved the longest
shotgun Mr. Weiss has ever seen.
Mr. Theiss gave a biochemical explanation of why we crave to
have Little Italy grease on our tongues every Thursday, and
furthermore, “claimed” to have a penis.
Mr. Moulds said that drinking is a requisite for Demosthenian
and essential to carry on our traditions. I’m glad we’re excluding
Mormons, pregnant women, Muslims and recovering alcoholics from
being “true” demosthenians.
Moulds was fined a total of $9 for his use of the euphemism
for urinate.
The guy with the popped collar, aka, Mr. Addison, then rose
to way that going to Subway isn’t cool. The acting secretary
noted that he said that “Demosthenian is debate,” therefore,
alcoholism is debate.
Miss McFarland suggested a dance off between men and women
to solve the issue, saying that Irish people don’t count.
Mr. Duffy was fined 50 cents.
Miss Koval said she felt Subway is perpetuating stereotypes
of women as financially insecure, when everyone knows that boob-bearing
welfare queens are doing just fine.
Mr. Ballard was fined 50 cents, and Addison was fined $1.
Mr. Elliott warned us to run from everything that claims to
be free, from Subs to sex. He also advocated drinking.
The President then retracted all previous fines from the resolution.
Miss Keyes-Blumer rose to say that she can’t hold her alcohol
and she steals from Oxford.
Mr. Owens used his skills from political campaigns and the
military to come up with a new committee, the P.I.S.S. for preserving
interesting society something or other.
Mr. Earl said that even for free, six inches just ain’t enough
for Demosthenian women.
Mr. Smith decried the quality of Little Italy subs and said
that Demosthenian is about debate, not drinking.
Mr. J.P. Weiss said that Little Italy is less healthy and has
more cultural heritage.
Mr. J.D. Weiss rose to say that it’s not free for him as a
man, and drag is just too complicated. He was fined 50 cents
for obscenity.
Mr. Williams compared the long communal seating style of Little
Italy to a church, whereas Subway can only fit 6 to a table.
The resolution failed 4/13 among members and 1/3 among guests.
Addison noted that all people who voted against the resolution
were flying in the face of 200 years of tradition.
After Mr. Hansen’s critic’s report, we were adjourned.
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