| April 7, 2005
Last night was that meeting that we all adore, the one that
only comes once a year—the beloved Oration and Declamation,
a night of stunning oratory, stupefying wit, and self aggrandizing
B.S.
Mr. Williamson went first in the portion of the night dedicated
to original speeches, telling of the horrors that abound in
Darfur, Sudan and pleading for U.S intervention and for the
label genocide.
Mr. Weiss informed us of the advantages of vegetarianism, saying
that eating meat, eggs and milk will cause colon cancer, breast
cancer and extinguish species all over the world.
It was then noted that an obscene number of pigs in a space
less than a twin bed sounded more like a bad end to a night
downtown than a PETA problem.
Mr. Elliot warned us of the perils of identity theft with his
Dial America shtick nightmare. During the intermission, I saw
Mr. Ballard asking for more details on the program.
Miss Hoekstra brought a more artistic speech to the floor with
a creative piece on her identity.
Mr. Duffy hailed the presence of Plan B ads at UGA, calling
anyone against it equal to men who rape their wives and then
saying, “Plan B supersedes morality.”
Miss Koval next took the floor, giving an animated speech in
French. It was all Greek to me, but the Francophones in the
audience were laughing, so it must have been funny.
Mr. Ballard noted that he understood every word.
Mr. Ballard then spoke on his brother’s struggle with autism
and his personal transformation from someone who wanted to eradicate
autism, to someone who saw great value in autistic people.
Mr. Fleishman spoke of the two heritages that America has,
its puritanical heritage, and its freedom-loving heritage. He
urged us to forsake our puritanical heritage and embrace freedom
on issues like Gay rights and decriminalizing drugs, but I think
he has ulterior motives for both causes.
Miss McFarland then shared another piece of fiction with us,
entitled “Potatoes Night,” about a girl traumatized by watching
her mother’s self-inflicted injury.
Mr. Misztal gave a speech celebrating the world’s greatest
car, the D’Lorean. He apparently is so enamored with the car,
he would rather fantasize about driving it than have sex.
I then rose to cry out for greater political representation
for prisoners, to help solve the pervasive problem of prison
rape.
Mr. Theiss made an argument for the existence of God by sharing
his struggle with his parents’ divorce and how God buoyed him
through it.
After a five minute recess, we moved into Declamations, in
which each speaker read a speech written by someone else.
Miss Calkins, a guest read the Anne Sexton poem called Cinderella,
which told the traditional fairytale, with a few alterations,
like the wicked step sisters mutilating their own feet.
Mr. Owns then regaled us with the antics of the late, great
Mitch Hedberg, whose comedy involved frozen bananas, a drunk
vacuum cleaner and a large, out of focus monster.
Mr. Williamson read what may be the best known speech in American
history, the Gettysburg address.
Miss Renert read a hybrid she put together of two of Bill Clinton’s
speeches: his speech on the liberation of Kosovo, and his speech
after being outed for having an affair and lying about it. Guess
which was more recognizable?
Miss Hoekstra gave a speech celebrating the merits of “hot
ass” in all its forms, from hot ass on a woman, to hot ass on
a bird to hot ass in an apartment complex.
Mr. Dowell then read one of my favorite poems, the Cremation
of Sam McGee. Who among us, who has experienced a New York or
Chicago winter, does not identify with the man who went north,
and became so cold, he begged that his remains be cremated,
just so he would not have to go to his eternal rest in frozen
solid ground?
Mr. Trivedi gave…
Miss Wilkinson informed us of how to get rid of telemarketers
like Mr. Elliot with such techniques as prentending to throw
up or ejaculate while conversing with the sales people.
Mr. Duffy gave a speech by Padraig Pearse, an Irish revolutionary
who spoke of the Gaelic strength and the desire to be free and
Gaelic.
Miss Koval read a speech entitled “What’s a leg got to do with
it?” about a woman lost a leg to cancer, but overcame disabilities,
much to the surprise of her friends and colleagues, and still
enjoyed all the pleasures of life, like sex, because—“What’s
a leg got to do with it?”
Mr. Weiss the greater, after totally faking out Mr. Ballard
and pretending to light a cigarette, graced us with Rocketman,
the Elton John classic.
Mr. Hansen gave two speeches, one by a man supporting the least
just war in history, Pope Urban the second inciting the crusades,
and one by a man opposing the only just war in history, Herbert
Hoover speaking against WWII.
Mr. Elliott then rose to give what he called “The most offensive
speech ever,” in which the N-word was dropped more times in
this upper chamber than it has been since 1961. Thanks for doing
this when we had an African American guest with us, Mr. Elliott.
Miss Pearle read a piece on the importance of diplomacy in
which she imitated the United states as it called up its girlfriends,
India, Pakistan, China and Iran for “a little coalish.”
Mr. Points, a guest, then read from Alice and Wonderland, describing
how the world distorted as she changed size.
Mr. Bassey, another guest, began his speech, “The sound of
the Trumpet” by informing us that he had just picked up a book
downstairs, The World’s Greatest Orations, and picked a speech
out of it. Amazingly, after he read the title, a car horn sounded.
I then read a modernized and Southernized version of John the
Baptist’s message to prepare the way for Jesus.
Mr. Addison then shared with us some profound thoughts on international
policy from Team America, which explained international politics
in terms of dicks, pussies and assholes. We, apparently, are
dicks.
Mr. Misztal spoke next, reciting a scene from The Devil’s Advocate,”
claiming that because God set his laws in opposition to our
instincts, he is a divine prankster.
Miss Keyes-Blumer then read a speech by Bill Clinton on Affirmitive
action, urging us to promote diversity without quotas or arbitrary
mandates.
After Mr. Trivedi’s Critic’s report, and nominations for officers
next year during special elections, we adjourned to Little Italy.
Respectfully submitted,
Emily Crawford
|
University of Georgia 