| April 14, 2005
We began the meeting by inducting three new members: Mr. Hogan
Bassey read two essays, one described his childhood in Nigeria
and his first taste of Beer.
Miss Sadie Royal warned of the perils of Facebook addiction,
eventually revealing that she herself had succumbed no less
than five hours earlier.
And Miss Lucy Huggins regaled with a big fish story that played
with our emotions like a hound dog with a dead critter. Congratulations.
We then continued into committee reports and announcements
from the chair, in which our ever hospitable President strictly
forbid guests from attending elections, then adding, “You’re
always welcome here!”
Mr. Theiss then presented
B.I.R, The state governments of Texas,
New Mexico, and California should support, and when necessary
and proper authorize, the formation of militias for the purpose
of guarding the boarder with Mexico.
R.S., John Henry Theiss
Mr. Fleischman opposed the resolution, because human beings
can make mistakes, and when they make mistakes with guns, the
results are permanent.. . . and messy, like a hound dog with
a dead critter.
Mr. Addison said that new technology can effectively guard
the border and that laws should be upheld, because they are
the will of the democracy.
Mr. Ballard, after flirting with ad hominem attacks, advocated
increasing non-militia border patrol, and raised the question,
in an unjust murder, who would you sue? That’s the first question
on every American’s mind. Who can I sue?
Mr. Moulds told of the danger of shooting legal immigrants
and getting involved with shootouts with the Mexican army. Perhaps
from personal experience.
Miss Prabhakar rose to say that illegal immigration from Mexico
is not a problem, but illegal immigration from Canada is. God
knows you can’t go to a fast food kitchen in Athens without
tripping over those kanuuks.
Mr. Weiss the Greater suggested a solution that worked for
China and Germany, a simple wall. We could use legal immigrants
to build it. We could also use illegal immigrants to build it
out of.
Mr. Williamson reminded us that militias can be good and asked
why we would ever want to let the Federal government do something
that the states could do. He then questioned the society’s southern
roots. He’s talking to you Hansen.
Mr. Crawford, my dad, rose to propose getting a militia together
to enforce other unremembered laws, like underage drinking laws
in Athens on game days.
Mr. Burkhart urged skepticism of the militias, because many
racist groups are interested in patrolling the border. They
don’t just hate women and Native Americans like he does.
Miss Pearl said that the United States allowed so many illegal
immigrants because if we did not, more of the population would
be hopeless and a social revolution could occur. Obviously,
Mexico is exploiting us!
I then rose to suggest tricking all the immigrants by secretly
moving the border in ten miles and starting a colony in the
new country. I then went out an invested in a map making factory.
Mr. Bassey called the Hispanic migration a Republican plot;
the acting secretary noted that this was an awesome speech.
The resolution failed 5/16 among members and also failed among
guests and alumni.
Mr. Weiss Abstained because New Mexico isn’t a state.
Mr. McGuire next presented
Be it Resolved: The primary purpose of
public education in the United States should be the promotion
of skepticism and critical thought.
Mr. Addison opposed the resolution because it put the cart
before the horse, claiming that janitors do not need to understand
the Pythagorean Theorem, but everyone needs an understanding
of civics.
Mr. Gallagher, an alumnus, also opposed the resolution, claiming
that the content of education should be up to the people who
purchase it. Only by kicking the impoverished out on their behinds
can we rid them of our cruel oppressive hand-outs.
Miss Brown rose to agree with the resolution saying that critical
thinking is the most important thing one can teach because it
pulls students in and retains information. She credits it with
inspiring her current major.
Mr. Bassey said that our students are not as dumb as we think,
but felt it is unjust that education levels can vary widely
from city to city.
Miss Koval supported the resolution, bemoaning teachers that
discouraged her from true critical thinking and skepticism.
Mr. Theiss reminded us that Demosthenian is not a microcosm
of the world, also claiming that critical thinking cannot exist
among eighth graders. Also, a sizable portion of the world does
not regularly get naked behind the podium.
Miss Raley claimed that sexism is the problem with science,
because women are socialized to like the humanities and not
the sciences. This helped explain the reason why Thiess didn’t
have a date.
Mr. Fleischman supported the resolution because all voters
need to make their votes intelligently.
Miss Pearl shared her triumph through school all because she
drew a smiling moon out of a bean with us, as an example that
schools often award students arbitrarily.
Mr. Vick said that the idea that critical thinking is classist
or sexist is insane, and that schools could be both flexible
and teach critical thinking.
Miss Wilkinson said that quality classes and challenging students
are key, because, who wants to be a fry cook?
Mr. Williams hailed the benefits of an informed citizenry,
saying that education only exists to make the country better.
Way to stick it to all those anti-educationalists!
Miss Hoekstra said that critical thinking looks at the whole
picture, but must be learned before college from friends and
family. Like sex education in the state of Georgia.
Mr. Dowell claimed that even at the University of Georgia,
some people do not have the basic knowledge of how to put sentences
together, and this must come before critical thought.
The resolution passed 13/4 among members and 3/0 among guests.
Mr. Weiss noted that we don’t need no education, and Mr. Lerner
abstained because he was at City Bar during the debate.
Mr. Earl then rose to present,
Be it resolved that men should throw down
the oppressive feminist regime in a symbolic at of integrating
bathrooms.
Mr. Vick paused his studying for his Psych 101 class to claim
that Mr. Earl must be suffering from schizophrenia.
Mr. Weiss then rose only to say that he had Maciek’s phone,
and he still hadn’t noticed.
Mr. Addison claimed that the major difference between men and
women is that girls cry. Period.
Mr. Lerner advocated feminism in all its forms, so he could
always go dutch treat on dates.
Mr. Thiess then said that women control the world. He then
launched into a biological explanation, and then started totally
spazzing out, claming that men have no need for clothes.
Miss Brown decried the pee all over the toilet seat in the
bathroom of Demosthenian, using it as proof that men don’t give
a damn about women.
Mr. Williamson then claimed that giving into women would be
a form of appeasement, and since our society stood for separate
but equal in the past, we should continue that now.
Mr. Bassey agreed that women control the world, summing up
his speech by saying, “You can’t fight the vagina.”
Mr. Hansen, who may have a great career as a porn novel writer,
rose to tell us about how slugs have managed to find a way to
equalize energy dynamics—the slug females knaw off the phalluses
of the males.
It was then noted that Mr. Addison was crying, and then further
noted by Mr. Addison, that crying at the thought of your privates
being knawed off was not irrational.
Mr. Burkhart said that the resolution does not go far enough—not
only should be integrate bathrooms; we should beat up women
Viking style as well.
Mr. Ballard claimed responsibility for Miss Brown’s janitorial
woes. We then attempted to place him on the no sex list, but
had to settle for the what sex list.
Miss Koval then explained that women use tears for power, to
bend men to their will. And Miss Hoekstra carried out her last
ejection when Miss Koval began a tirade about “If men could
menstruate.”
The resolution failed among members 4/10, 0/2 among guests,
and 0/1 among alumni.
It was then noted that Mr. Addison wasn’t sure what had just
happened.
After Miss Brown’s very thorough and much needed critic’s report,
we adjourned to Little Italy.
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University of Georgia 