Minutes of the DLS: April 21, 2005

I, Mr. Chris Hansen, promised to open every meeting with a narrative. I was going to tell you about the members who took me up on the offers I made in my election speech, but they made me promise not to. Not to mention, such a long and explicit story, full of sex and toys and arcane religious rituals is not one you want to talk about, especially seeing as it concerns all the current bench officers, two thirds of the old ones, and various barn animals.

The meeting began by accepting Cathy Cabe as our newest member, after her speech about why Andy Warhol sucks.

Demosthenian then witnessed another changing of the guard, as we elected a host of new officers. The proceedings of the night remind me of an article I read recently in The Weekly Seventh Day Adventist Biology Reader for Southpaw Surgeons. I always bring a copy to meetings, in case one of the articles turns out to be relevant to a resolution. Unfortunately I can only fit in the last three years or so and still have room for the constitution of all the provinces of west Micronesia and 18th century treatises on the sanctity of the human spirit vis-a-vis fingernails. The article described a recently discovered species of Tasmanian mouse. When mating, the female of the species develops pseudo mammary glands that enlarge to half the size of Texas. She then shoves a nipple up the male’s nostril, to show her desire. To reciprocate, the male then bounces through the woodlands, attacking meat animals for their cruelty to their fellow beings. Which leads me to the subject of toilets in the western world and the effect they have had on elections since the Greek silver age. But I’m running out of time soooooooo….

Here’s to passing finals, a great semester in the coming fall, and at long last, jeans on Thursday nights.

And for anyone wanting to spend a large amount of the summer conversing about the phallic appendages of various invertebrates, this secretary is willing to fill that need any time. I am of course speaking directly to all the ladies. And all the gentlemen. And especially all the invertebrates.

I guess it is only civil to remind you that Mr. Hansen was forced to read this due to a very old and almost forgotten tradition of making fun of the incoming secretaries, the sexiest, most charming, and most god-lovin’ secretary since Ralph Reed,

Respectfully Submitted,

Emily Anne Crawford