Minutes of the DLS: April 21, 2005

Oh demosthenian my honey-darlin’, do you recall that night when I, trembling, asked to be your secretary-man and you, gazing at me with those lovely dulcet eyes, said yes? Do you recall, oh my society my sweetling, how on that night I promised to treat you like the fine lady you are? Well, my lovin’-honey, today you’ve had a hard day, getting books and going to class. Now just lean yourselves back in your chairs and rest your achin’ feet, or, if you please, droop limpidly by the fireplace, and let your chrissydumplings make good on his promise, and make your wildest dreams come true.

Oh Demosthenian my dulcet darling, I have to admit I’m a little nervous. I’ve never recorded the proceedings of a body before, but you’ve already had 406 secretaries. The odds would seem to be somewhat against me. But oh my tender foe, and oh my lovely lady, I will rise to the challenge. Because nervous as I am, I’m excited too. Oh my love, on that night that you chose me I was, to quote that most consummate of jain scriptures, glad, pleased, and joyful in my mind, delighted, extremely enraptured, with a heart widening under the influence of happiness, with every hair of my body shivering and erect in its pore like the many-petalled flowers of Kadamba when first touched by morning dew. That’s how I felt and that’s how I feel, and that’s how I’ll make you feel tonight.

Demosthenian my joy, my adorable damsel, let me buy you chocolate. I will journey the world, visiting Belgium, Malaysia, and Paris in search of the most delectable chocolate to be had; I will go from shop to shop evaluating each on the basis of cleanliness, quality, and the dedication of each and every employee present to pleasing the most beautiful society in existence. The chocolate I select will contain a cherry, and also an almond. I will give it to you in a golden box and, kissing you passionately, I will whisper softly in your ear: “mon amour, meine Liebe, wo zui ai de, mon amour.”

My dearest, my darling, you are fine indeed. Let me catalogue your beauties:

Your president is so eminently presidential, few would doubt that that he shook the doctor’s hand when he first came out of the womb. Three of the five members who departed last semester cited a burning wish to dance with Ballard.

And Society, you have such a cute little justice team, what with your Dominatrix CJ backed by two stooping man-children. I like that. It’s kinky.

And sweetpea, I adore your recurrent Prabhakar. Just when I think your treasurer is through treasuring, she pops up again as hall administrator, coming back for more and more and more. I like that too.

Now my princess, I’ve heard the whispers about your being immodest. The mores of the day just seem to dictate that you keep your vice president all covered up. But girl, your Veep’s so fine….mmph!! ‘Course you’d want to show it off! No I don’t think you’re no slut, society! Of course not.

And oh my lithe and hirsute goddess, I know you’ve been hurt before. Ms. Pearl, your own Chief Justice, dumped you like a five-hundred pound maggot to go gallivanting off with Oxford union and its kilts. Well, that’s her problem.

Honey, You know I won’t treat you like that. Can’t nobody treat you like that if they’ve heard you debate. Why just listen to yourself:

The meeting was called to order at 7:15, and two first-time guests rose and were lauded.

In Programs,

Ms. Rennert was the first to grace us with a farewell address. She did not have a ke, and would not give it to anyone if she did, as she would use it. “Shut up and swallow it,” she said, as she prepared to tell us about Romania. Apparently, it has streets. Returning to America, she stated that she enjoys Dunkin Donuts and driving in trucks, and would gladly dance with Mr. Ballard. We were left with two pieces of advice: 1) “cool people should be cool,” and 2) “You’re the greatest people I’ve ever met, but you’re not close enough. You’re just not close enough. Get closer.”

Following her speech, a delegation from the chapel entered and asked us not to laugh, as they were memorializing the dead next door.

Mr. Duffy then rose and gave an impression of Mr. Ballard’s “incredible impression of a woman’s orgasm.” He alleged that “there are no normal people in Demosthenian,” and proceeded to give the society five books:
1) Junie B. Jones and the Mushy, Gushy Valentine, which he received instead of the Jerusalem bible he had ordered
2) A Documentary History of Slavery, “because freedmen have made Georgia the greatest state in America”
3) Native Son, “a book in the true Demosthenian spirit, since it angers absolutely everybody.”
4) Himalaya, and
5) We’re Looking out for You, because “Bill O’reilley is one of the best people to live since Jesus”
He then left us to contemplate the issue of heterosexual anal sex.

Mr. Elliott said “you will never wish that your farewell speech was concise,” and launched into a three-part masterpiece. First, “Nostalgia”: “I gave up drinking for paintball, and I gave up paintball for Demosthenian.” Second, “What I wish I’d doe differently”: “don’t be a whore for money;” and third, “me giving stuff away.”
Under this heading the wine and Spirits committee went to Ms. Brown, and six keys changed hands. The Potential Badass key was inaugurated, and given to Mr. Weiss the First. Last, he gave us advice: “Don’t get offended, and don’t think poorly of people unless you’ve actually seen them doing something morally repugnant.
Mr. Trivedi treated us to a one man filibuster lasting approximately three decades and beginning “These are the weirdest people I’ve ever seen in my life!” He shared many memories, including that of older members passing beer on down the line at the bar. He advised us to “do what we think is best,” and gave us six books to replace the six he’d lost over the course of his tenure. He had received 15 keys, but as he had eaten the Fudge Key, only fourteen were distributed. The “Boy am I glad you’re on our side” key was inaugurated and given to Mr. Owens.

Mr. Smith Proceeded directly to advice, offering “when you get up, get up for something you believe in and expect to be proven wrong.” Six books were distributed, comprising the works of Beckett, the “really godawful difficult philosophy” of Wittgenstein, the major works of Samuel Johnson, a short Introduction to Atheism, and Mary Wollstonecraft’s “Short Residency in Sweden, Denmark, and Norway.” Four old keys were distributed, and the “holy naughty word” key for the member who had been there the longest was inaugurated.

Moving into Special Elections, Mr. Martinson was elected associate justice, and Ms. Brown was elevated to chief Justice. Congratulations.

Mr. Sean Lovell and Ms. Khushboo Shah petitioned for membership, and were raucously accepted. Congratulations.

And then new business.

Mr. Addison rose, contending that “the greatest threat to American Democracy is democracy.” He offered,
BIR: America should adopt a Monarchy
R.S. Matt Addison

Ms. Prabhakar countered by proposing “a supreme court for everybody,” and her argument was only slightly weakened by the fact that she “didn’t know the correct ancient-greek-term-thingy.” The nominees to this court, she said, “would have to be so intensely nerdy that they won’t care what the people think.

Mr. Williamson stated “if you advocate losing democracy, you will find yourself in a very tight spot when they come to take your freedom.” He asked, “Do you want to trade all the freedom we have for a system where only the great have power?”

Mr. Weiss reminded us that those with no opposition can do whatever they want, and will do it inefficiently.

Mr. Duffy claimed to love everything about America except its constitution. “I think at times you should be able to take away basic human rights,” he said. We need to value leadership over freedom, and Vladimir Putin would make a great President.

Mr.Theiss reminded us that so far we had limited our consideration to monarchy, democracy, and oligarchy. However, “All of them are wrong. We must build a giant computer, and it will select our leaders…Put your faith in the monolith. You can’t go wrong.”

Mr. Elliott stated that we need a hereditary monarchy. Only someone whose children will inherit his legacy is likely to look to the future.

Ms. Johnson, a guest, claimed to want a Platonic philosopher-king, but then admitted she was kidding.

Mr. Earl asserted that democracy, monarchy, and communism have all failed, and computers will fail. We need to switch to government by benevolent robots, and give everyone guns.

Mr. Martinson urged us to consider the republic of Rome, and we all promptly went to sleep. “When regimes change,” he stated, “people die; they die in large numbers.” American democracy is a way of buffering regime change every four years.

Ms. Wilkinson argued that all governmental processes should be handed over to New Hampshirites.

Mr. Williams asserted that we are already living in a theocracy. Therefore, we should let the theocrats officially run the country for the fifty years it would take to collapse.

The resolution failed 7-13 with Mr. Duffey abstaining because America should elect Vladimir Putin. It was noted that Mr. Addisaon voted against his own resolution.

The meeting was adjourned at 1:50.

Yeah, girl, you said it. Ain’t no other organization can debate as good as that. And now, my delicate flower, my beautiful bee, the time for words is past. Dusk is upon us, and the night begins. Come here, darlin’, and let me show you what lovin’ is.

Respectfully submitted,
Chris Hansen