Minutes of the DLS: September 15, 2005

Last week, there was a lot of naughty, bad immoral talk dealing with sex and suchlike. This is Puzzling, for Aristotle has conclusively shown that the Good always leads to happiness, and since all men seek happiness, noone will ever knowingly deviate from right action. Therefore, I can only conclude that all of you deviated unknowingly and, having done bad, are now unhappy. In order that you may have joy, then, I now present you with a catalogue of right actions, a sumptuous stew of prescriptions, proscriptions, and punishments compiled from my very favorite lawbooks. I’ve got Leviticus, I’ve got the Hindu Book of Manu, I’ve got the Muslim Hadith Bukhara, and I’ve even got the Zend-Avesta. As I read, you will assuredly experience the joy that comes from knowing what is right and, so knowing, you will never again deviate from right action. In particular, let these quotations guide your conduct tonight.

If you kill an impotent man, your sin can be absolved by presenting a priest with a load of straw and a quarter ounce of lead. You must wear no garment that exposes your private parts to the sky. You must not look at a broken chair. O maker of the world thou Holy One, if a man shall smite a dog what penalty shall he pay? His soul when passing to the other world shall fly amid louder howling and fiercer pursuing than the sheep does when the wolf rushes upon it in the lofty forest. You must not urinate while facing a twice-born man. The prophet saw sputum on the mosque and scraped it off with gravel; he then forbade spitting to the front or on the right, but permitted to the left or under one’s left foot. There is shame on you if you take a wife who has passed puberty. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. A man should not eat with his wife, nor watch her when she eats, sneezes, yawns, or sits down to relax. You must not eat wearing only one garment; neither should you take a bath naked. A wise man must not go around annoying creatures that have the breath of life. A corpse when dried up does no contaminate. A king is the same as a man who runs ten whorehouses, or ten thousand slaughterhouses. You must have no dealings with those known as pale puppy cookers. A virtuous wife should constantly serve her husband like a God. Men must make their women dependent day and night, for a woman is not suited for independence. A man who has violated his teacher’s marriage-bed must cut off his penis and testicles, hold them in his two cupped hands, and set out in the direction of Doom, walking straight ahead until he dies.

The meeting was called to order at 7:20. We had seven petitions for membership:

Mr. Webber told us of the evil that is testing.

Mr. Steinberg spoke of an episode from his trip to Israel, and the power of the jellybean.

Ms. Natrajan expounded the thesis that affirmative action hurts everybody, including its intended beneficiaries.

Ms. Courtney Brown entered us into the mystery of scrappy art students.

Mr. Butt told us of our president’s gross misconduct at last Saturday’s football game.

Ms. Smith rebuked our culture’s withering interest in the classics of literature.

Mr. Webber then rose again to argue against capital punishment.

All were joyously welcomed to the society.

In New Business

Mr. D. Weiss spoke of Grenada, the mujahidin, and the failure of Reaganomics, and offered
BIR: The policies of Ronald Reagan have undermined the wellbeing of the American People.
RS, Josh D. Weiss

Mr. Williamson argued that we cannot know the future, so we help those who can help us now. Reagan helped the mujahidin when they were fighting a greater enemy.

Mr. Martinson stated that Reagan was a poor theorist with bad policies, but he was an excellent public figure.

Mr. Theiss said, “The resolution is asking us to look at an entire eight-year presidency and say, ‘that’s good’ or ‘that’s bad’.” Grenada had the support of a broad coalition, and saying Gorbachev caused the collapse of the USSR is like saying Hitler caused the fall of Nazi Germany.

A Guest reminded us that a communist Grenada could have done substantial harm to the U.S. and the Caribbean, and our actions in Afghanistan caused greater harm to the USSR than Vietnam did to us.

Mr. Pearl ruminated that when Roosevelt said, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” he most likely did not mean for us to beat people senseless with that stick. However, many of the things Reagan was blamed for had little to do with him.

Mr. Dowell brought us to Iran-Contra. Even assuming that Reagan was not directly responsible, he was ultimately responsible for the people who were.

Ms. Crawford recalled that when Reagan’s daughter’s goldfish died, he gave a beautiful oration on goldfish Heaven that so moved his daughter that she decided to kill all her other goldfish. Seemingly harmless feel-good people, when given power, can do great harm.

The Resolution failed 5-12 among Members and 7-9 among guests, with Mr. Pearl abstaining because he did not agree with the wording.

Ms. Hines soliloquized that everyone deviates from some norm, and presented,
BIR: Deviance is good for Society.
RS, Sherrie Hines

I then rose to state that since sexual recombination is the greatest engine for creating deviance, and since some once sexually-reproducing species have since become parthenogenetic, there must be at least somew populations for which evolution has determined that deviance is bad.

Mr. Theiss, the microbiologist, ridiculed my science, and therefore I will never be nice to him in the minutes ever again. He also redefined deviance as “breaking social norms,” and argued against that.

Mr. Addison stated that deviance is bad in the military and in fraternities.

Ms. Brown argued that the military makes a particularly poor microcosm of the universe, and recalled that while deviance is often harmful to the deviant, it can also result in greatness, and it is for that greatness that we must preserve deviance.

Ms. Hershman reminded us of all the distopias in children’s literature in which deviance is suppressed. Do we want our society to wind up like that of the Giver?

Mr. Misztal reframed the debate as a battle between the virtues of beauty and justice. When the expression of creativity and nonconformity masks those who are genuinely mentally ill and need help, should we prioritize the rights of the artist or the needs of the patient?

Mr Williamson said that philosophically deviance is always bad, but practically it is often good: the Jedi Knights were deviants.

The question was called, and 18 members conformed by saying deviance is good, while 3 deviated by saying deviance is bad. The guest vote was 6-2. Mr. D. Weiss abstained because he is a deviant, and Mr. Addison abstained because his speech bombed like a car in Basra.

Ms. McFarland made a personal attack on the president, and was fined $3.33, payable to herself as treasurer. She then presented a resolution applicable to all facets of life, but particularly academia:
BIR: Face down, ass up bitch.
R.S. Crystal S. McFarland.

Mr. Dowell extolled the moonie. Mr. Miller asked for as example, and left before he could be ejected.

Ms. almost gave an inadvertent demonstration, and said that the resolution might not be ideal from the woman’s point of view.

Mr. Theiss spoke in favor of the resolution because it is so very, very true to life. Time and again, life says to you, “face down, ass up bitch.”

The resolution passed 20-3 among members and 7-2 among guests. Mr. Martinson asked that the minutes reflect the civil society of work.

Ms. Kovall then proposed “a way to educate our kids,” with
BIR: Bert and Ernie need to come clean with their relationship.

Mr. Martinson spoke and fled.

Mr. D. Weiss asked what authority Ms. Kovall could have on Sesame Street if she has not seen it in years.

Mr. Dowell stated that just because Bert and Ernie live together does not mean that they are gay, saying, “I always thought they were brothers.”

Mr. Ballard attempted to illegally suppress a vote of no confidence, and was ejected from the upper chamber.

Ms. Wilkinson argued that Sesame Street should be more like Avenue Q, where we learn such interesting facts as (singing) ? “the internet is for porn! The internet is for porn.” ?

Mr. Earl said that even though Bert and Ernie had a portrait together, they are not necessarily gay. He himself almost had a portrait made with the Josh Gestalt.

Mr. Burkhart argued for a gay Bert and Ernie because of all the subplots that would become possible. Imagine Bert and Ernie being chased by a KKK muppet, or a Nazi muppet. Imagine Big Bird attacking Hitler.

Mr. Williamson earned a 25 cent fine. He stated that the tolerance of other people necessitated that they tolerate his intolerance, and said, “don’t mess with my Bert and Ernie!”

A guest reminded us that PBS is under attack, and could very well soon be wholly privatized. Think of the revenue opportunities for the new corporation: “Bert and Ernie, too hot for TV.”

A guest reminded us that Bert and Ernie are in first grade, and said that we are all sick.

A guest stated his willingness to be added to the no sex list, and said that Bert and Ernie coming out could greatly ease the pain of an inevitable social evolution.

Mr. Ballard was readmitted to the upper chamber, and the meeting was adjourned at 11 sharp, subject to Mr. D. Weiss’s critic’s report.

Respectfully submitted, Chris Hansen