It is the duty of all elected officers to break their campaign promises. This week, I have neither the time nor the energy to give you a full-blown introduction to the minutes. I am just going to give you three crummy jokes, and hope that my spin doctors will be able to convince you that it was an act of brilliant minimalism.
Ready?
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture.
Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? Strained himself.
And Because you are such a good audience, I’ll give you one extra:
Did you hear about the fat lady who backed into a fan? Dis-ast-er!
Hope you enjoyed.
The meeting was called to order at 7:10 PM.
There were four petitions for membership:
Ms. Bredden extolled the glories of Wal-Mart.
Ms. Dianna Brown spoke of the harm selfish people can do to the church.
Ms. Iqbal spoke of the hardship of growing up in a strict Muslim household.
Mr. Richards gave a comprehensive field guide to music snobs.
After a brief pause in which an evil presence oozed into the hall and was subsequently cleansed, all petitioners were joyously welcomed to the society.
In New Business
Mr. Elliot returned as a townie to tell us of the 16 kills by MP Maria Lopez, and presented:
Whereas the United States Military should not lower its standards,
BIR: Women should be accepted for full combat duty
RS John Elliot
Ms. McFarland stated that the right to give your life for your country is the greatest of rights, and women can not be called equal until they have it.
Mr. Addison enumerated the physical differences between the sexes, and said that the public would be less willing to accept female deaths than male deaths, thus hampering our war effort. Further, the survival of a unit depends on each member knowing every other member to the fullest extent, which would be impossible in integrated forces.
Mr. D. Weiss said that it is absurd to say military men cannot be trained to adapt to the presence of women. The purpose of boot camp is to force soldiers to adapt to whatever is necessary.
Ms. Johnson argued that there are very real physical differences between the sexes, and sociological differences as well. Do we really want shell-shocked mothers?
Mr. Steinberg reminded us that women can become pregnant. A billion-dollar airplane could be grounded if its captain became with child.
Mr. Pearl supported the resolution “not for some high moral reason, but because I don’t want to fight.” Also, the “man’s army” argument seemed very similar to the cultural disruption argument used against integrating African Americans into the armed forces.
Mr. Dowell reminded us of the Amazons, Joan of Arc, and an Amazonian tribe of women warriors. Athena was the goddess of just and skillful war.
A guest argued that sex in the military is not problematic. The greatest Greek warriors were driven expressly by their sexual love of their comrades.
Mr. P. Weiss stated that women are irrational, and bad at the snap decisions demanded by the front line. However, women are also sneaky, and would do very well in intelligence and command.
A Guest reminded us that it has been argued that captured women soldiers would be tortured more cruelly than men. However, we let Jews serve in Muslim countries, where the same risk applies.
The measure passed 19-4 among members and 1-0 among townies, while tieing 6-6 among guests.
Mr. Theiss stated that neither of our parties is in any way following the basic principles of the democratic governance of a republic. Therefore,
BIR:Due to the growing extremism of both parties, the Democrats and Republicans are a disgrace to our American Republic. R.S. John Henry Theiss
Mr. P. Weiss agreed that neither of the parties stands for anything, but stated that they are very good at holding on to power. Third party congresspeople would never be allowed to accomplish anything.
Mr. Williamson quoted Bill O’Reilly with a long list of things our government does instead of governance.
Mr. Butt reminded us that we elected these people despite their faults. They must be giving us something we want.
A guest stated that a system that allows gerrymandering allows incumbents to remain in power indefinitely. A parliamentary system allows greater accountability than our own.
Mr. Elliott alleged that accountability is itself the problem. Constant worrying about reelection prevents people from doing what’s right.
Mr. Misztal stated that politicians now know so much about the demographics that there is no difference between our system and direct democracy. When noone cares what’s happening, it is a sign that everything is going well.
Ms. Wilkinson cited the history of the senatorial veto as an example of what can go wrong when two entrenched parties play power games.
Mr. Earl stated that two party systems must inevitably do nothing.
Mr. Darcy stated that our democracy is a rank, stagnant and decrepit one. No one should put bread on the table by being a career politician.
Ms. Prabakhar stated that every parliament in the world, even if it has ten nominal parties, has two parties in truth: conservative and progressive. That is how human thought falls out.
Mr. Pearl stated that the parties breed an extremism that does not reflect the true composition of the American people. Also, they cause people to vote against candidates, rather than for them.
Mr. Dowell, wearing a ridiculous bowtie, said we pay taxes because politics are the greatest form of entertainment known to man. As such, they do an excellent job.
A guest asked, “where are the rock-ribbed individuals who are willing to defend the status quo?” Who would want to lose the donkey and the elephant?
The measure passed 16-7 among members, 4-6 among guests, and 0-1 among alumni.
Mr. D. Weiss presented a resolution that never happened. It never happened, do you hear? Never.
Mr. Ballard narrowly evaded being ejected from the upper chamber, but was fined two cents for saying certain forbidden words.
Mr. Vick proposed a “militia of irony” with
BIR: Me and my militia will destroy THE ARMS INDUSTRY! (and Dial America and the IRS). Submitted, Charlie Vick. For some reason, this was followed by the unequal sign (≠).
Mr. Dowell sang the definition of irony. Mr. P. Weiss asked that Mr. Dowell be ejected, which failed; then that Mr. Addison be ejected, which passed, then that he himself be ejected, which failed.
Mr. Earl reminded everyone that the government has its fingers in everything, so a militia against anything is just a plain old anti-government militia. Mr. Vick noted that Mr. Earl is a little too paranoid for his militia.
Mr. Elliott disparaged Mr. Vick’s poser-naughty word militia, and would have been fined if he were still a member.
Mr. Williamson said that the militia of irony was not ironic, and that’s ironic. Let’s have a militia to fight militias. The speaker noted that he was not making that much sense, but then he kind of was, you know? Mr. Vick noted that Mr. Williamson was smoking goofballs.
Mr. Theiss began “Militias. The bane of our existence, people with guns taking the law into their opwn hands. We need peace We need to make an antimilitia. With our philosophy of nonviolent violence, we will kill and murder everyone until we are all pacifists.
Mr. Steinberg said that nongovernmental militias have done a lot of good, and therefore the government should support them.
A guest asked that we not destroy Dial America, since if her internet went down, she would hen have no way to buy things from home.
The measure passed 16-3 among members, 7-3 among guests, and 1-0 among townies. Mr Weiss abstained because the Johntopian Empire would kill him if he joined the militia.
Mr. Miller made a motion to march out combat-style which was not entertained.
The meeting was adjourned subject to Ms. Prabakhar’s critic’s report.
Respectfully submitted,
Chris Hansen |
University of Georgia 