The minutes of October 6, 2005
Last week, the Society saw a glorious celebration of sadomasochism. Before the meeting, each member surreptiously sidled up to the hat and, casting his eyes first to the left and then the right, slid from his pockets a steaming pile of malodorous excreta, handful upon handful of foul resolutions designed to torment the soul and test the mind of whatever Demosthenian should be so unlucky as to pull them forth from the reaksome pile upon the podium. At the end of the meeting, many of the components of the mound had found their way to the floor, a fetid pool of sewage in the patterns of which it is possible to perform a Rorschach revealing the baser impulses of our little group. Here, then, I present you with the the resolutions garnered from the darker corners of our Demosthenian minds, the half-thought abhorrences to which we would never be willing to sign our names, but were more than willing to use to torment our fellows. They were drawn randomly, just as they would have been from the hat.
Be it Resolved: A bridge from San Francisco to Honolulu should be constructed in the year 2049. A 20 ft. concrete wall shall be constructed across the southern U.S. in order to curtail illegal immigration. All Americans shall be required to learn Spanish. Noncitizen residents should have a right to vote in the United States Metrosexuality is kind of stupid: gay people shouldn’t be allowed to steal Gucchi from the poor hetro’s (sic)! Babies are disgusting, mostly because they have no sense of disgust. We should reintroduce the blue carpet up here. Desperate housewives is the best show ever. The war on terror is irrelevant. The electoral system is superior to proportional representation systems for electing a leader. John Kerry would have been a worse president. False accusations of rape can be and often are as damaging as the act itself. The United States should do away with the current tax code. Stupidity is an STD. Humans should regain the right to create language. George Bush hates black people.Athens, Georgia: pinnacle of human civilization. I heard the funniest joke the other day. Demosthenians dating can never lead to anything good. Bears should be fined for polluting campsites for their numerous acts of forest defecation.Matt Addison is a bastard. Education majors are worthless. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs. A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. The Tate Preachers MUST BE STOPPED. More people should date Josh P. Weiss (formerly the Greater). Chickens may only cross the road between the hours of 9am and 4pm in order to avoid traffic hazards. Deep philosophical and sociological problems are often best expounded by reference to bizarre animal sex, as this example illustrates. Your mother is a whore.Abortion rights should never be celebrated. It would be a mistake to rebuild New Orleans.Suicide is now socially acceptable in the United States thanks to Kurt Cobain. Whereas researchers in Germany have created nicotine-enriched beer, the end of the world is nigh. What if God was one of us? Demosthenian’s ghetto name should be D-town. If rational beings are to exist in a univers of this size, the one thing they cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion.knowledge of the English language should be required It’s better to be happily unaware than miserably cognizant. Quagmire will never get laid.
Submitted, all you sick weirdos. Remind me never to sit next to any of you. And that was only half of the resolutions.
But now for the resolutions that were actually drawn:
The meeting was called to order at 7:15. There were five first-time guests and six second-time guests. I am told that the President gave his constitutionally-mandated progress report, but I must have slept through it.
We then entered the main program of the night, the Hat debate.
Mr. Addison rose first, and presented
BIR: the game Mario Brothers is racist against Italians.
In support of this, he said “Just because I happen to be descended from northern Europeans, and happen to be southern, and my grandpa happened to live in a big house, doesn’t mean I should be looked down upon. He also asked that I note that Dve Chapelle is not funny.
Mr. Theiss presented:
BIR: The unexamined life is the most worth living.
“I would be much happier if I didn’t ask deep questions. The examined life is for masochists, for people who cut themselves and ask what makes them bleed. Socrates asked too many questions, and he killed himself.” Mr Theiss then went to City Bar to get profoundly drunk.
Mr. Morgan offered
BIR: Corporal punishment should be offered to minors as an alternative to jailtime.
He argued that hospitalization is the line between child abuse and getting the hoodlums in line. Also, the fifties were perfect.
Ms. Crawford said, “ I’ve considered the psychological impact on the mother, I have thought about the crime rate, but I have not thought that ticklish people might have a problem.” She presented:
BIR: Abortions tickle.
Ms Natrajan gave us
BIR: The society should erect a statue of Demosthenes somewfere on the UGA campus.
She argued that the PR committee does not have enough work. Also, since most Greek statues are naked, this statue could actually be *erected.*
Mr. Pearl presented
BIR: the University of Georgia would be better off without fraternities or sororities.
He noted that walking is hard.
Mr. Williamson gave
BIR: America would be best served by a partisan press.
He argued that if noone feels the need to ask questions, it is a sign that everything is going well. Therefore, we should make sure people always know what to think.
Mr. Dowell offered
BIR: Demosthenian Hall needs a Jumbo-tron.
He stated that we cold blast the Demosthenian chant during the Illiterary Society’s interpretive dance, thus destroying them utterly.
Ms. Kovall submitted
BIR: The US should disband the armed forces.
She observed that our military is everywhere. We should destroy everything that protects us, because protection is bad.
Ms. Courtney Brown proffered:
BIR: The turkey should be the national bird of the United States.
The birds make a really cool noise, and they are handily shaped like the human hand, making them easy to doodle. Also, turkeys are nicer than eagles.
Mr. Misztal presented
BIR: Pat Robertson is the Sexiest man alive.
He noted that it is a tragedy, and philosophers will tell you so, that the sexy die old. James bond is sexy because he leads a dangerous life, and everyone wants to kill Pat Robertson; ergo Pat Robertson is as sexy as it gets.
Mr. D. Weiss gave us
BIR: We should pull out of Iraq tomorrow.
He stated that the only way the Iraqi troops will take authority is if we force them to do so.
Ms. Huggins proposed
BIR: No sex b/f marriage.
She stated that if the only sex you have is with your spouse, you will never know that it is bad. Also, you should never be alone in a room with a member of the opposite seex, because you might be tempted.
Ms. Royal gave
BIR: Let’s kill all the lawyers.
Lawyers are just haughty little snots in suits; we can argue cases ourselves.
Ms. Hoekstra suggested
BIR: DLS has an alcohol problem.
Alcohol is a crutch, and it damages our exquisite minds. The presenter lost brain cells on Saturday that she could have used for a test on Monday.
Mr Patrick Williams said “my dad always said, ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’” and presented
BIR: Due to bad luck with women, David Ballard should go gay.
It was noted that he could have sex with Pat Robertson.
The President noted that it might actually be smart to go gay.
A vote was taken, and the motion passed overwhelmingly.
Ms Wilkinson noted that the Spanish came to the New World for gold and silver, and presented
BIR: Shiny is good.
Because killer robots are shiny, shiny is attractive, and only attractive people should rule, killer robots should govern.
Ms. Murro noted that everything that is unusual or poorly understood must be supernatural; therefore,
BIR: economics is a voodoo science.
Mr. P. Weiss was fined 25 cents.
The President fined himself 25 cents.
Mr. Theiss was fined two dollars.
Allen Greenspan was added to the Sexy Old Man list.
Mr. Steinberg observed that in WWII, we didn’t have sissies standing there saying “Oh no, oh no, my boy died for a cause.” Therefore,
BIR: Cindy Sheehan’s protest is the moral equivalent of treason.
Ms. Meyers gave
BIR: If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, don’t make a pretty woman your wife.
She noted that ugly women have developed other skills, such as housekeeping, to make themselves attractive as mates.
Mr. P. Weiss presented
BIR: The cold war is the best-looking war.
He noted that the guns were out, but they weren’t fired.
Mr. Earl said, I go to the museum to see Rembrandt, and I see Campbells soup. I pay 10 dollars admission, and I can’t even eat it. He then presented
BIR: Modern art is dead.
Ms. Smith gave
BIR: When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung.
She noted her appreciation of Sir Mixalot’s efforts to glorify the female form at its most enjoyable.
Ms. Barnett gave
BIR: “Support our troops” is a terrible mantra.
She noted that good mantras should be long.
Mr. Miller gave
BIR: God is a woman.
We have hurricanes, we have terrorists: there is no explanation for these mood wswings unless the deity periodically goes crazy. Also, it is just like a woman to have all this power, throw it on men and blame them for everything.
Ms. Herschman presented
BIR: Women are a moral force.
She noted that both men and women turn to women for consolation. She spoke of man-whores, and Mr. Earl took off his shirt. There was a vote to make him put it back on, which the men of the society caused to fail. Mr. Pearl was fined 25 cents.
Ms. Wallace gave
BIR: We must save the institution of marriage. No one should be allowed to marry.
If marriage was not an institution, there would be no problem of arranged marriages. We could find something else to give tax breaks for.
Ms. Mcfarland mimed sex before presenting
BIR: The current state of our drug laws is having minimal effect on the flow of drugs while increasing the cost to society.
She did not want the government to tell her what she can or can not enjoy. The goal of the war on drugs is admirable but unachievable.
Mr. Burkhardt gave
BIR: the state governments of Texas, New Mexico, and California should support, and when necessary and proper authorize, the formation of militias for the purpose of guarding the border with Mexico.
He observed that all these jerk Mexicans are coming in, taking our jobs of sweeping floors. There should be a bounty on Mexicans, and we could create jobs by hunting them. Canadians, also, are more pale than good white men should be.
Mr Vick noted the best racist speech he had ever heard, and Ms. McFarland proposed a new understanding of the term “wetback.”
Mr. Richards noted that democracy has crippled our nation. Schools shut down on election day, causing us to sacrifice the future of oyur children for this sham of democracy. Therefore,
BIR: America should adopt a monarchy.
I then argued
BIR: Dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate or white chocolate.
Mr. Vick proposed
BIR: It’s about time we had us another witch hunt.
He noted that we need to get things done, and by getting things done he means burn people alive.
Despite having no experience, Mr. Butt presented
BIR: Vaginas rock.
After all, they brought him life.
Mr. Martinson noted that once drugs hit the market, the FDA ceases to monitor them, and animal tests do not correspond well to human results. Therefore,
BIR: the current method of testing and approving drugs by the FDA should be reformed.
Ms. Cabe gave
BIR: Jesus was totally a capitalist
Arguing that since hey-zoos spends all that time working at Ace Hardware, he must really like money.
Mr. Ballard submitted
BIR: I am a racist.
He noted that as a gay racist, he would be the best politician ever.
Mr. Weiss noted that Mr. Ballard did not need to do much soul-searching before the resolution.
Ms. Johnson noted that too few holidays is communism, and presented:
BIR: The U.S. should have at least one bank holiday each month.
Mr. Webber said Cindy Sheehan should die gladiator-style, and offered
BIR: Capital punishment should be abolished except in case of treason.
The meeting was adjourned at 11:15 subject to Mr. Williamson’s critics report
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