Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society, December 1
Hi. I’m Jacob R. Martinson, and I specialize in saying disturbing things and smoking like a small freight train. Now, you might think that smoking is bad for you, but the Chinese government begs to differ. It gets ten percent of its revenue from its monopoly on tobacco, and this is what it says on its official tobacco information page: Many people ascribe the inability to quit smoking to a weak will. In reality, it is well known that many great men smoked, like Churchill, Mao Zedong, etc. Look at what we know about dictators: Louis XIV, Napoleon, and Hitler all abhorred smoking. Hitler harbored a rigid, fierce hatred of smoking. Nicotine can heal wounds and contribute to health, for as it oxidizes it is converted to one of the most effective forms of vitamin B.
Now, I know that you will say that smoking causes cancer. Well, it just so happens that Henrietta Lacks had cancer, and now she is immortal. Really. In 1951, just before she died, some of her cancer cells were cultured, and they’ve been growing independently ever since. Over 700 pounds of her cells are alive right now, which means that there is six times as much of her in the world now as there was when she died. Since the cells aren’t really human anymore, they have been given their own species name, helacyton gartleri, and are now the closest living relative of the human race. Man, smoking can make you a whole new species!!!
Now, on a more personal note I just want to mention how happy I am to be serving on the bench with Mr. Weiss the miniscule. This is the second time he and I have been working together beneath a woman, and let me tell you it’s real pleasant.
I was going to make fun of Ms. Pearl, and I guess I have a bit, but since she can’t be bothered to be here for her own inauguration, I don’t see why I should grace her with my sharp wit. Instead, I’ll make fun of Ballard here. How can I say it…he stinks. His B.O. would choke a cow. And that thing about not wearing pants…it’s actually true.
So yeah, I should be giving the minutes now. People were elected, and that was cool, but it took nine and a half hours, and that wasn’t. Ms. Meiers gave the critic’s report.
I guess that about does it. Mr. Hansen, my puppet master for the evening, would like to give y’all a big shout out, and wish you good luck on the finals.
Peace,
The secretarial gestalt |
University of Georgia 